Beautiful Mess (37 page)

It
was her.

She
filled the entire wall.  Bri stood there in shock as her eyes swept over
her many renditions.  Some were small, some were large.  Some were
painted in color, some done in black and white,  and some were just
sketches.  At first it seemed like a random collection, but then she
realized what Cole had done.  Mortification spread through her.

Up
at the top were pictures Cole had done of her when they first met.  She
even recognized one of the drawings from the sketchbook she’d found in his
room.  There was always a distinct sadness and loneliness in her eyes, on
her face.  The pictures progressed through when she and Cole had started
hanging out, and then dating.  Cole appeared in a few of these. 
Through these pictures, the sadness and loneliness began to fade and were
replaced by a growing happiness and lightness.  And in some pictures,
desire.

Bri’s
heart stopped, and her cheeks flushed a deep red, when she came to a picture of
just her face.  She knew Cole had drawn it from that night in the back
seat of Layla’s car.  In it, Bri’s eyes were full of desire, but it was
the open, vulnerable, expressive look on her face that had the real Bri dying
of embarrassment.  She had let her guard down that night, and obviously
Cole had capitalized on it.  Moving quickly past that picture, Bri watched
in horror as love bloomed in her eyes and on her face in the remaining
pictures.  She came to the last picture, and literally couldn’t breathe.

It
was the two part painting Cole had had hanging above his bed.  The two
pictures of her and Cole looking lovingly into each other’s eyes, happy and
content in the security of their love for each other.  It took all her
strength not to collapse to the floor.

She
couldn’t believe what she was looking at.  All of her most private
emotions were painted all over that wall.  And then, her mind slowly began
to realize that she wasn’t the only one seeing it.   She hadn’t
noticed the large crowd standing in front of Cole’s display through her
shock.  But now she was painfully aware of them, and the way they were
staring at her.

Some
smiled at her in pity, while others were whispering and laughing discreetly at
her.  But the worst were the adults who smiled knowingly at her, like they
knew everything about her now.  It was all too much. 

Not
knowing where to go, but needing to escape, Bri pushed through the crowd and
ducked behind the partition holding Cole’s display.  There was a reception
area with refreshments set up in the adjoining classroom, but she could not go
in there and face those people.  So she stood, her back to the wall,
desperately trying to get some air into her lungs, and fighting to keep her
tears at bay.

Then,
the worst thing that could possibly happen, happened.

“Oh. 
My. 
God
.”  Serena’s voice, from the other side of the
partition, cut through Bri like a knife.  “Are you seeing what I’m seeing,
or am I hallucinating?”

“No,
I’m seeing it, alright,” Trey’s voice answered, sounding as shocked as Serena
did.

Perfect. 
The two people Bri would’ve rather died than have seen this, were here. 
Her stomach twisted, and for a moment she thought she was going to throw up.

“Wow. 
Can you say
obsessive
?  Seriously, this is borderline creepy,”
Serena huffed.

“Yeah,
like if Bri ever disappears or turns up dead, you know Cole did it, kind of
creepy,” Trey snorted.

“You
know, I don’t get it,” Serena sneered after a minute.  “Seriously, what is
so damn appealing about her?  I don’t get what he even sees in her.”

“Right,”
Trey scoffed, not believing her.  “You just don’t want to see it, because
then you’ll have to admit that there’s someone out there better than you!”

Bri
could feel the glare she knew Serena was giving Trey.

“Besides,”
he continued, mockingly, “how could you want to ruin such a
sweet
little
love story?”

Bri’s
stomach bottomed out, and her heart stopped.

“What?”
Serena asked.

“Don’t
you see it?  Look.  Bri starts out  as a sad, lonely, pathetic
excuse of a human being, and then she meets Cole.  He warms her, pulls her
out of her sorry excuse of a life, makes her feel things she’s never felt
before.”  The sneering, mocking tone of Trey’s voice caused tears to form
in Bri’s eyes.  “And then, they fall in love, and live happily ever
after.  Cole saves Bri from her sorry, pitiful existence.”

“Oh,
my god!  I can’t believe I didn’t see it before,” Serena practically
squealed with glee.  “She’s his project!  Something he needs to fix
up and save.  Now
that
I totally see.”

“Yes,
and somewhere along the way, the fell in love,” Trey mocked in a falsely sweet
voice.  “How pathetically sweet!”  He and Serena both laughed.

“That
is not love.  That is obsession,” Serena snorted.  “And soon it’ll
wear itself out, and Cole will move on.  And poor little Bri will be right
back where she started, sad and alone.”  Serena laughed happily. 
“Come on, let’s get out of here.  These pictures are freaking me out.”

As
Serena and Trey left, Bri’s humiliation overcame her, choking her.  Tear
threatened again, but she refused to let them spill.  Anger seeped into
her,  and slowly began to build, helping to keep her tears at bay.

How
could Cole do this to her?  How could he put her on display, and expose
her like that?

Her
anger at him mounted, until it consumed her.  She was a writhing mass of
fury, and she longed to be able to unleash her wrath on him.  She didn’t
realize she was about to get her wish.

“Bri? 
What are you doing back here?”

Cole
stepped up beside her, and Bri had to work really hard to keep her rage in
check.  She knew that if she exploded, everyone on the other side of the
partition, and in the reception room next door, would be able to hear
everything.  And she’d had enough public humiliation for one night. 
If she and Cole were going to fight, she did
not
want an audience.

“How
long have you been here?” Cole asked softly, oblivious of the raging inferno in
front of him.

“A
while.”  Bri kept her voice low and flat, refusing to look at him.

“Oh. 
Did you seen my exhibit?”

Her
anger spiking, Bri finally turned her eyes to him.

“Yes. 
I’ve seen it.”  She couldn’t mask the anger in her voice.

“Dang
it, Bri, why didn’t you wait for me?”  Cole was hurt and frustrated, but
Bri was beyond caring.  “I wanted to be there when you saw it.  I
wanted to be with you, to see your reaction.”

“To
see my
reaction
?”  Bri’s eyes narrowed as her anger bubbled
over.  “You wanted to see how humiliated and mortified I was to have all
of my most personal and private feelings plastered all over a wall for everyone
to see?  Or maybe you wanted to see everyone else’s reaction when they
found out what a
hero
you are, saving me from my poor, miserable life,
and finally giving me a reason to live?”

“What? 
Bri...”

“Are
you sure you didn’t want to see how everyone else reacted to
me
?” Bri
cut him off.  “Watch as they laughed and whispered about me?  Or
worse, how they pitied me and felt sorry for me?”

“What?” 
Cole looked horrified.

“Well,
I’m sorry to disappoint you, but you missed it!”  Bri turned and stormed
off through the reception room as quickly as she could without drawing too much
attention to herself.  She didn’t turn when she heard Cole call her name,
or acknowledge him as he chased her through the halls.  In fact, she
didn’t stop until she was outside the building.  She moved over into the
shadows, away from the door, and rounded on Cole.

“
What
? 
What more do you want?”  she yelled at him.

“I
want you to stop and talk to me,” Cole huffed back, equally confused and
frustrated.

“You
want me to talk to you?  Fine.  Let’s talk.  Maybe we should talk
about how completely mortified I am right now.  How I don’t know how I’ll
ever be able to show my face at school again.  Or maybe you want to talk
about how I can’t believe you would put me up on display like that.  Or
how I’m so angry right now, I don’t know what to do with you!”

“Bri,
I’m sorry!  I didn’t think you’d get so upset!”

“So
tell me, Cole, how did you
think
I would feel?” she asked dangerously.

“I
don’t know,” he sighed.  “Happy maybe?  Flattered?”  He ran a
frustrated hand through his hair.

“You
thought I’d be
happy
?”  Her anger boiled over.  “You put me up
on display like some sideshow freak!  You made me look like I’m some lost,
broken person you needed to fix.  You assumed you knew how I felt, and
then put it out there for everyone to see and laugh at.  I am the
farthest
thing from happy right now!  I feel totally exploited and
betrayed!  I feel violated!  Hell, I couldn’t feel more exposed if
you’d had me up there naked!  What were you
thinking
?  What
was even the point of all this?”

“I
was trying to show how love changes us, makes us better,” he sighed, sounding
defeated.

“Love?”
she scoffed.  “And what would you know about love?”

Cole
glanced up at her, sharply. 

“I
know more than you think.  I was also trying to show you how I really feel
about you, how much I really care about you.”

Bri
just shook her head, cynically.

“I
love
you, Ambria,” his eyes pleaded with her.  “
That’s
the
point.  That’s what I was trying to show you.  I love you.  I
love you so much, I can’t even think straight!  I love you more than I’ve
ever loved anything!”

Bri
was so shocked and astonished by his declaration, she couldn’t speak.  She
hadn’t expected to hear those words from him.  For one blissful moment,
she let his words, and what they meant, rush through her.  But then,
reality came flooding back.  She felt something twist in her heart, before
her anger kicked back in.

“
That
,”
Bri pointed back to the school behind her.  “That is not love.  It’s
obsession.”  Serena’s words echoed out of her mouth, and Bri felt
sick.  Cole looked like he’d been slapped in the face.

“You
betrayed me, Cole,” she said softly.  “You violated my trust, and my
feelings, and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to forgive you.”

“Bri,
no!”  Cole’s eyes widened in fear.  “I don’t know how I screwed this
up so badly, but I’m sorry!  I’m
so
sorry, Bri!  I’ll do
anything to make this up to you, to make it right.  Just, please, give me
a chance!”

“I’m
sorry, Cole, but it’s too late.”  She moved to walk past him, but he
reached out and grabbed her arm.  He gently, but firmly, turned her to
face him.

“No. 
I love you.  I’m not letting you walk away that easily.  I understand
I made a mistake.  But, it was a
mistake
, Bri.  I didn’t do
this to hurt or humiliate you.  I just wanted to show you how much you
mean to me.  How I can’t imagine my life without you.”

A
lump formed in Bri’s throat, preventing her from speaking.

“Yes,
I see now that the way I chose to prove this to you was wrong.  Believe
me, this all played out very differently in my head when I planned it.  It
was a very,
very
bad idea.  I see that now.  But to say that
you can never forgive me?  Why?  Why are you fighting...?” he trailed
off, looking at her like he’d just figured something out.  “You’re
scared,” he said softly.  “That’s why you’re pushing me away.”

“What? 
I am not
scared,” she protested.

“Yes,
you are.  You’re afraid of how you feel about me.”  A triumphant
light shone in Cole’s eyes as understanding set in.  “You love me. 
You love me, and it scares you to death.”

“I
do
not
love you.”  Bri replied sharply.  She was getting tired
of people telling her how she felt.

He
didn’t seem to hear her.  Or if he did, he didn’t care.

“I
knew it.  I knew something was wrong.  You’ve been so distant for the
past couple weeks.  You’ve been trying to push me away, and I couldn’t
figure out why.”  He looked at her, a cocky smirk on his face.  “Now
it all makes sense.”

Bri
felt her blood boil as her anger surged.

“I
am
not
in love with you!” she practically yelled.  “In fact, that’s
the reason I’ve been pulling away.  I can’t return your feelings, Cole,
and I never will.  That’s why I‘ve been distant.  We are going off to
different schools, to different lives, and I thought it’d be best to put some
space between us before you got your heart broken.”

“I
don’t believe you.”  He stepped into her, his eyes boring into hers
challengingly.  Bri’s body trembled at his closeness, and she wanted to
hit herself.  This was what was best for both of them.  She needed to
be strong.  This had to be done.

“It’s
the truth,” she replied flatly, not flinching from his gaze.  “I can’t do
this anymore.  I’m done.  You and me... we just don’t work. 
Everything has been difficult for us.  If we were meant to be, don’t you
think that
something
about our relationship would be easy?”  She
shook her head.  “I’m tired, Cole.  I’m tired of fighting for
something that I’m not even sure I want anymore.”

“You
don’t mean that,” he said forcefully.  “I know you don’t mean that.”

Bri
took a breath, steeled her nerves, and looked right up into Cole’s stormy eyes.

“I
do mean it.  I’m done.  It’s not worth it anymore.”  Bri felt
her own heart breaking as she watched Cole’s eyes shatter.

“You
really don’t love me?” he pushed one last time.

“No,
I don’t.  I’m sorry, Cole.  I never meant to lead you on, and the
last thing I wanted to do was hurt you.  I tried to push you away before
your feelings got too strong, but I failed.  I’m sorry.”

Cole
dropped his head.  When he finally raised it again his eyes were cold,
hard.

“Don’t
be.  At least we had some fun, right?  Because that’s all this really
was.  One last fling before heading off to college.”  He shook his
head.  “You’re right, this is probably for the best anyway.  I mean,
it’s not like you even considered asking me to go to Stanford with you or
anything.”

“What?”
Bri breathed, ice gripping her chest.

“Yeah,
I never told you, but I actually applied to Stanford, just in case you wanted
me to come with you.  But, I see now how stupid that was.  Obviously,
I never figured into your future at all, did I?”  He gave her a scathing
look.

“Cole,
I...” 

“Save
it, Bri.  You’ve already said everything you needed to say.  But, now
it’s my turn.”  He looked coldly into her eyes.  “I thought we had
something really special.  I thought you and I could’ve taken on the world
together.  But, I see now that I was mistaken, in myself, and especially
in you.  I hope someday you meet someone who can finally break down that
huge wall you have around your heart.  I really thought that I could do
it, but obviously I was wrong.  Goodbye, Bri.  I hope one day you can
stop getting in the way of your own happiness.”

And
with that, Cole stormed away.

She
stood there frozen, too hurt and stunned to move.  Bri watched him go,
tears streaming silently down her face, what was left of her heart breaking, as
Cole walked away from her.

Bri
spent the whole weekend in bed, crying.  She refused to speak to anyone,
and couldn’t eat.  She was surprised at how much breaking up with Cole had
hurt her.  She’d thought she’d be okay, or at least functional, after a
day or two.  But when Monday rolled around, she was still achingly
devastated.

She
walked around school like a ghost that week, not seeing or interacting with
anyone.  She knew she was the object of stares and whispers again, some
mocking, some pitying, after word of Cole’s exhibit got around.  But she
couldn’t bring herself to care.  She felt so hollow and empty inside, she
couldn’t bring herself to care about much of anything.

Cole
had migrated back to his old friends, including Serena who welcomed him back
with open arms, both figuratively and literally.  Whenever Bri saw them
together, Serena always had her arm around him or was holding his hand. 
The satisfied, triumphant smirk on Serena’s face was like a punch in the
gut.  She was obviously determined to help Cole get over Bri as quickly as
possible, and back into her.  Bri tried to ignore the knife in her heart
every time she saw them together, but the sharp pain in her chest was too persistent.

Bri’s
friends were supportive and patient with her, even though she was practically
comatose.  She felt bad that she was basically shutting them out, but she
just didn’t have the energy to pretend everything was fine.  She didn’t
feel like doing much besides crying and sleeping, which she did a lot of.

That
Saturday was Prom.  Of course she had planned to go with Cole, but that
definitely wasn’t happening anymore.  Despite Layla’s valiant attempts to
get Bri to go to the dance anyway, Bri stayed home and spent another weekend in
bed with her tears.

The
next couple of weeks passed in the same dull blur.  As the anger and sting
of Cole’s betrayal began to fade, Bri expected that she’d start feeling better,
that she’d be able to start moving past Cole and move ahead with her
life.  But, the absence of her anger did little to curb her misery.

She
couldn’t figure it out.  Breaking up with Cole had been the right thing to
do.  She hadn’t wanted to hurt him anymore, and the longer she had waited,
the stronger his feelings would have gotten, and the more painful it would have
been for him when they finally said goodbye.  Bri had expected the breakup
to hurt for a little while, but she’d fully expected that after a couple weeks
she’d be back to good and moving on.  After all, her feelings for Cole
were superficial, mostly just a physical attraction.  She didn’t feel
anything deeper for Cole... did she?

Her
confusion and misery were only compounded by guilt.  She had been watching
Cole at school, and he was not doing well.  He walked around with a blank,
glassy look in his eyes, and his spark and charm had disappeared.  He was
just going through the motions, keeping everyone and everything at a
distance.  He looked as lost and miserable as Bri felt, and knowing that
she was the cause of this, broke her heart all over again.  She was a
mess, Cole was a mess, and Bri didn’t know how to fix either of them. 

The
weekend before graduation was the Senior Dinner Dance.  It wasn’t a
bring-a-date kind of dance, just a chance for the senior class to celebrate
together one last time before graduating and going their separate ways. 
Layla, refusing to take no for an answer, was finally able to wrangle Bri into
going.