Beautiful Oblivion (23 page)

My dear sweet baby girl,

Reese, you know how much I love you—how outrageously much I think the entire universe of you. I beg of you to hold on and be strong. Know that one day far, far away from this day, I’ll hold you in my arms again and dry your tears forever. But, until then, you’ve got a lot of living to do, missy. In no way do I want you moping around the house, or losing yourself in front of the television. I want you visiting friends, playing with your hula-hoop, and turning cartwheels in the yard. I want to hear your sweet laughter all the way up to Heaven. And most of all, I never want to see that precious smile leave your face. You are not a victim and neither am I. This is simply my time to go. I’m lucky in a sense because I was given a pretty accurate measure of when I’d be leaving the planet. It gave me time to create gifts for you through letters. You’ll be getting one from your father each year on your birthday until you’re a ripe old age. I’m sure you’ll get sick of me repeating how much you mean to me, to be a good girl, but I want to remain in your life somehow and this is the only way I could figure out how. I hope you won’t mind my yearly intrusion. I hope you’ll come to look forward to them and that they will never be a source of pain to you. I have a special letter for your wedding day (should you choose that road), and I have a special letter for the day you think you’ve fallen in love. I’m sure it’ll be more than embarrassing to ask your father for that one, so I’ve labeled it “special recipes.” Feel free to ask for it anytime.

One more thing I want you to know, don’t worry about missing me. Missing me will only bring pain. Try to focus on the special moments we shared like our walks to the park, sitting at the edge of the lake and watching the sun dip down over the back of the mountain, camping at the Forbidden Falls. Those moments and thousands like them are a part of who we were, who we are—not the grief, not the pain. Don’t let the sadness pull you in—emerge from it with a smile when you relive each of those special times we shared.

I love you, forever.

You’ll always be my special girl.

xoxo

Mommy

I hug the letter tight and pretend it’s her. I can smell her perfume on the paper. She was so light in my arms those final days. This doesn’t feel that much different. She knew I’d fall in love one day, and she wanted to participate in some small way. My soul sings just thinking about her giving me advice.

Special recipes.

It’s time to find my father.

The house is quiet as a tomb. Kennedy sits in the den watching television, so I poke my head in from the kitchen.

“Have you seen Bev and Dad?”

She ticks her head toward the window. “At the McCarthy’s, helping to get things ready for tomorrow.”

“Why would they be helping?”

Kennedy looks depressed as hell, not at all like her chipper self.

“They’re hosting for clients.” She tucks a pillow beneath her neck and turns to face me with her eyes laced with crimson. “No one does a firework show better than Loveless, so why not.”

I bite down over my lip debating whether or not I should call her out on the fact she’s been crying. Ken isn’t one to share her soft side. Confronting her on a meltdown often comes with a price.

“You’re right,” I say. Last year Dad and Warren senior held a picnic at the park, and it was bland as oatmeal. “Fireworks are always a good call. Speaking of fireworks…” I let her in on the fact I’m on the final frontier of becoming a woman and hold back a laugh because I know she’s going to zing me with some sarcastic remark.

“Really?” Kennedy pats a spot next to her, and I flop down on the couch. “I think that’s beautiful.” She wraps her arms around my waist and lays her head on my shoulder. “And, now, for the rest of your lives you’ll both think of each other on the Fourth of July. It’s like the whole country will be having barbeques and lighting off fireworks in honor of your special night—forever.”

“Very funny.” Although not half as clever as I would have pegged her for because it just so happens to be romantic as hell.

“No, I’m not trying to be funny. I mean it.” She pulls back and gives a hard sniff.

“What’s going on?”

Her mascara is smeared along one side, and she’s got track marks in her foundation where her tears once flowed.

“It’s Keith. I know we’re over, but it’s like we just won’t let it die. Sort of like you and Warren.”

“What are you talking about?” A part of me wants to push her off the couch in an effort to set her straight. Warren and I are nothing like her and Keith. “How many times do I have to tell you that I’m not into Warren like that?”

“Oh, really? Then why did you let him take you to prom in high school? Oh wait,
every
dance in high school? Why did you go with him to Vale for a part of your winter break and Cancun just after school let out?”

“Those were all group events.”

“No, they weren’t. I was there with Keith, and you were there with Warren. Sure there were a few stragglers, but you and Warren always sat together, always had dinner. He kissed you until you were both blue in the face. The only thing you never did was sleep with him, and, rumor has it, he’s got a line of skanks a mile long to satisfy him. But, for whatever reason, he always floats back to you. You’re his anchor, whether you like it or not.” Kennedy narrows in on me with her accusing stare. “For God’s sake, Reese—you keep a picture of the two of you in a heart-shaped frame on your desk.”

“Shit,” I hiss at the revelation. “I don’t know. In my mind it never went down like that. We had the same friends, so we hung out.” I turn and bury my face in her neck. This is it, the final unveiling of a truth I had been hiding even from myself. Warren and I had happened, we were still happening, and, as much as it hurts to admit, I’d keep the ball rolling forever if I knew it pleased my father. My mother crushed us with her death. I hated her for leaving, especially since she lit up our lives like an oil lamp. And then, in an instant, she was gone, and keeping my father happy had become my life’s work. “I don’t know how to do it. It’ll kill, Daddy. Besides, I told Warren we should see other people, and it’s like he didn’t even hear it.”

“Please, Reese, don’t string people along for the sake of your dad, he’s got my mom. Maybe if you accept that, you’d see he doesn’t need you trying to balance yourself on a rolling log when what you should really do is drop in the water, swim to something more stable.” She pulls me back until we’re eye to eye. “You need to have a serious heart to heart with Warren. Let him know he’ll find someone special one day like you did.” She gives a wry smile. “Only don’t say that last part. Just leave it in a happy place.”

“Got it.” I rub her back. Kennedy’s sweet honeysuckle perfume comforts me. “Did Keith leave it in a happy place?”

“No. He didn’t.
He found someone else.” Tears fall fast and loose. “I guess that’s the funny thing about relationships, people always think they’re with the right person until they find out they’re not.
” She gives a hard sniff. “Anyway, enough about me.” She takes a breath. “As for your dad, have a nice sit down with him, too, and explain to him that Warren just isn’t the one. I mean, it’s not like you didn’t try. Sometimes when love taps you on the shoulder, you don’t always find who you expect on the other side. That’s one of the nice surprises life has to offer. Warren will still be a part of the family.”

A clatter comes from the kitchen.

“That’s Dad,” I whisper. My heart races like a prisoner who just climbed over the barbed wire. “I’ve got something to ask him, but I think I’ll hold off on the Warren speech until I can process it a little more.”

I go to get up, and she catches me by the wrist.

“It’s okay to have your excuses, Reese.” Her eyes spear right through me. “Just know you may not always have them. The sooner the better. Life has a way of unleashing the truth in the most inconvenient way. I should know. The more I learn about Keith and Joanna, the more I’m figuring out it wasn’t a one-time deal.”

“I’m so sorry.” I pull her into a hug and hold her like that for a long time. Kennedy is right, the sooner I tell my dad about Warren the better. Then maybe I can tell him how I feel about Ace. If my father approved, it would mean everything.

“Get out of here.” She pushes me up. “We’ll talk tomorrow before the real fireworks go off.”

The real fireworks. Just the thought of being with Ace buoys me with excitement, and I bump into Dad as I fly into the kitchen.

“Um…” Crap. “I was thinking about baking something for tomorrow. Do you think I can have Mom’s
special recipes
?”

Dad raises his brows. “Sure. I thought you’d never ask. You know, it’s the only letter I don’t keep in the safety deposit box at the bank.” He heads back to his bedroom, and I follow. “Of course, I had the teller make a copy of each letter and put them in separate locations in the event the bank disappeared overnight in an act of God. I promised your mother I’d keep them private just between you and her. I’ve never read them, but I’m hoping one day you’ll have mercy on me and show me one or two.” His features sag a moment, and I can see the grief prickling on the edges. “I do miss her.” He pulls me in by the shoulder and presses a kiss over my head.

We walk over to his bedroom, but I linger by the door. I find it creepy to be in the room he shares with Beverly knowing the things they might do in here, although I doubt it’s anything like what happened with Ace and me the other night. That was downright dirty magic.

He returns from his closet with another envelope that matches the ones I have upstairs. My mother’s loopy handwriting greets me across the front.

“
Special recipes,”
he chimes.

“Great.” I fan myself with it a moment before kissing my father on the cheek. It’ll most likely be the last kiss from his little girl. I bring the envelope to my lips and take in its warm scent as if it were my mother.

I’m on my way to becoming a woman. And, now, I’ll have my mother’s words of wisdom to guide me.

My thumb and forefinger create small circles over the envelope for a long time. The paper warms beneath me until it’s hot to the touch.

I can’t do it.

Instead, I tuck it away with the rest of her letters and swear to myself that I’ll read it in the morning. If it is my last night as a girl, I may as well save my mother’s life-changing advice for my life-changing day. Tomorrow a whole new world opens up for me, and I might as well start the day off with a word of advice from my mother.

Around nine-thirty, after Ace has a chance to shower and wash all his woodcutting efforts from Sherman County off his body, he meets me down by the gnarled oak at the base of my house.

It’s dark out, the moon is hardly a sideways sliver, but those are the best nights in Loveless because you can see the stars spray out like pinholes, trying desperately to expose the glory of heaven. Beverly once said it reminded her of a shattered crystal vase, and that pretty much solidified the fact that Beverly could see the negative in just about anything.

I run over to Ace and wrap my entire body around him, and he spins me while landing a dizzying kiss over my lips.

“I missed you like crazy,” he whispers hot in my ear. He smells good and clean like spices and mint, a slight woodsy scent mingles in the background.

“You did?” I give a playful tug at his ear. “I missed you way more than you could ever miss me.”

“Doubtful.” He swoops in and picks me up.

“So”—I draw a soft circle over his chest as he carries me over the dirt trail—“are you as excited about tomorrow night as I am?” I gaze up at him. He’s so stunning. He presses against the night sky with his dark hair catching the light of the moon, picking up blue highlights. His dimples go off, and he’s trying to withhold a smile but it breaks free anyway.

“More than you’ll ever know.”

“What’s the plan for tonight?”

“I thought maybe we’d hang out—be the awesome Ace and Reese for one last time.” He bears into me with a slight hint of sadness as if he missed the old us already.