Beautiful Pain (7 page)

After that fight I felt as though I was walking through a white fog and I was slowly falling into deep water. I was drowning again, and I was choking when these dark feelings of anxiety were pulling me away from my own body.

I purposely left the kitchen knife on the table in my bedroom. It was sharp and I knew that the relief would be incredible. I went to the bathroom, holding the knife in my hand. I locked the door and took my trousers off.

When the cold metal touched my skin I wanted to pull it away, but then I slashed my bare flesh with one swift movement. After that I couldn’t stop. I wanted to mark my skin even deeper, not feeling any pain. I felt incredibly light and numb. The anxiety was gone and I was just happy.

The blood was pouring from five deep cuts, while unbelievable bliss filled my stomach.

When Sophia thought about that day she wasn’t proud of herself. She wanted to cry, feeling stupid and useless. When she was harming herself she felt brave, ready to confront her mother about everything. Now those days were behind her and she wanted to forget what she had done to her own body. This wasn’t the way of dealing with anxiety and panic attacks. She looked back at Harry and swallowed hard.

“
For now, yes,” he replied, still looking at her lips. “Yes I was caught with cocaine and weed, but that doesn’t mean that I take drugs.”

“
Was it about the money?”

“
No, it wasn’t about the money,” he replied, shifting on the chair. “Your father is Libyan and you are from London, so I can’t really understand what you are doing here in this shitty city.”

“
Can we concentrate on you here?” she snapped, annoyed. She didn’t want to talk about herself; he was setting her emotions on fire.

“
This opportunity came along and I decided to take it. Belfast is a beautiful city, well maybe it’s more difficult to find work here, but at the end of the day it’s up to you,” she told him, feeling that she could fight the panic attacks. This never happened to her before, not at work. His eyes flickered in uncertainty.

“
I hate Ireland and I can’t understand why you would leave London to come here.”

“
So what about work, have you applied for many jobs?” she continued, ignoring his statement. She had to carry on; she needed to finish this report and make him leave.

“
I have applied for a few, but I have not heard anything back from anyone.”

“
That’s understandable,” she sighed. “Well, Susan mentioned a home visit in a few weeks ...”

“
Home visit?” he repeated.

“
I need to interview you within your home environment, don’t look so surprised. You knew that this was coming. We can arrange a date later on,” she said quickly. He sat back, tightening his jaw. Maybe he liked his privacy or maybe he was hiding something. Sophia was determined to get to the bottom of why he looked so taken aback by her comment.

“
Well, if you have to,” he said, running his hand through his hair. He knew that he was good looking. She always tended to stay away from arrogant guys, but she had to admit that something was pulling her towards him. This fascination was wrong; she could get into trouble. She could lose her job, her career, and family. Everything was on the line.

“
I think this will be enough for today. I will see you next week and we will discuss a home visit closer to the date,” she said with a steady voice. She needed fresh air. It was like the room was infused with Harry’s scent. It was all over her, and she couldn’t do anything to get rid of it.

“
Belfast is rough, and I can take you to the places that would make you run back to London. Trust me, you don’t want to be here,” he said, leaning closer. Sophia’s smile faded away.

“
I will see you next week, Harry, just stay out of trouble,” she said, trying to insinuate that this was good-bye and the end of this conversation. Harry licked his upper lip and rose. Even in this small room Sophia had to admit that he had an incredible body. The piercing and the tattoos were just making him more attractive. He was the type of man that she always avoided.

“
So is that a yes or no, Sophia?” he asked, still not moving. She wasn’t sure what to say or how to respond. Was he asking her if it was all right for him to show her Belfast?

“
I don’t think this would be appropriate, Harry,” she replied in a small voice. He laughed.

“
It’s not like I am asking you out, I am doing this because you have no idea what you got yourself into, so I just want to open your eyes,” he said and winked at her.

“
Good-bye, Harry.”

She smiled and went back to her computer screen until she heard him leave. Finally, when she was alone, she sat back taking long steady breaths. Her body was drenched with sweat and she wasn’t sure what was happening to her. Did she have another anxiety attack? She felt lightheaded. This wasn’t the way she should have conducted this meeting. Harry was arrogant; he interrupted other people when he spoke and didn’t seem to like following the rules. One word from Sophia and he could be in trouble again. She couldn’t forget how he made her feel. This attraction was filling her mind, body, and soul … leaving an eternal mark on her core. She shook her head, smiling to herself. She was attracted to him, but he was her client so nothing was going to happen between them.

***

Harry wanted to smash his fist into a wall. This meeting took way too long. When he saw Sophia for the first time he didn’t like her. She looked out of place and he could feel that she was weak and insecure. When he stepped outside, his breathing was shallow and he felt aroused. He didn’t even understand why he suggested this stupid game. Was he trying to find out more about her?

She was probably just a baby and she just moved to Belfast. Plus, she was his probation officer. During the first meeting he couldn’t forget that long hair and those amber eyes. He intently didn’t want to be polite, he was angry that Susan had decided to hand his case over. Even her name was driving him insane. He started walking towards town, thinking about today’s meeting. He was hard now and he wasn’t happy about that. He played it cool in front of her, but inside he wanted to know everything about her. No wonder why she had such beautiful hair; she was half Libyan.

He was irritated because he told her that she shouldn’t be in Belfast and he offered to show her the city. What was wrong with him? No one in their right mind would do that. He was sure that he needed to fuck someone, and then he would forget about Sophia. Maybe Kirsty was free today.

He’d parked his car in one of the nearby streets earlier because he had to ship some of his goods today. He couldn’t wait any longer. He needed more money, so he pushed thoughts about Sophia away. Besides, if she had known the truth about him, she would report him and he would be back in prison. The home visit might complicate everything. He wanted to hide the reality about his mother for as long as possible. Maybe she was young and inexperienced, but she wasn’t stupid.

Harry got into his car. Clenching his fists, he tried hard not to think about her but he couldn’t deny that she was making him hard. He picked up his phone and dialled Kirsty’s number.

“
All right, babe, fancy seeing me tonight?” he asked with his usual seductive voice.

Chapter Seven

After the intensive day at the office Sophia crashed on the sofa, rubbing her head feeling exhausted.

“
Hard day?” Vanessa asked, walking into the living room.

“
You can’t even imagine,” sighed Sophia, staring at her friend. “Are you going somewhere?”

“
Yes, I’ve got a date with Paul and this time no one is going to interrupt me.”

“
That’s great,” said Sophia, smiling. “I am sure you will have fun.”

“
He has been pestering me with text messages, so he is pretty up for it,” she marveled. “What about you?”

“
Me? Well today I had a really strange conversation with one of my clients. He told me that I shouldn’t be in Belfast and he offered to show me around,” she stated, rolling her eyes. Vanessa stopped brushing her hair and looked at her, bewildered.

“
What does that even mean? Did he ask you out?”

“
I don’t know what that meant. His name is Harry and he behaved like a total prick when I met him for the first time, but today he wanted to know everything about me,” explained Sophia, biting her lower lip. Vanessa’s pupils dilated.

“
Wow, so he did ask you out. Is he hot?”

She smiled, thinking about Harry.

“
Oh my God, so he is hot and a naughty boy, this can’t get any better,” screamed Vanessa with excitement.

“
C’mon, you can’t label him like that! I am his probation officer, so don’t start jumping into some inappropriate conclusions,” protested Sophia, now regretting that she said anything at all to Vanessa.

“
Are you crazy? This is so hot. You have to say yes to that,” she demanded, narrowing her eyes.

“
It’s my second week, Vanessa, and I am not going to say yes to anything. I am his case worker and no matter how attracted I feel to ...”

“
So you are attracted to him?”

Sophia sighed, feeling that her face was heating up and she’d made a schoolgirl error. Vanessa sat next to her smiling.

“
Fine. Yes, if you must know I feel attracted to him,” she replied.

“
Tell me who was the last person you had sex with?” asked Vanessa, looking at her reflection at the small mirror in her hand. Sophia felt a soaring sensation in her stomach. She really wasn’t comfortable with Vanessa knowing that she hadn’t actually slept with anyone yet, but her scarlet face was probably already giving her away. “Hey, Sophe, please tell me that you’ve had sex already.”

She finally looked at her. This couldn’t be any more embarrassing. She exhaled.

“
Well about that ...”

“
No,” shouted Vanessa getting up, “don’t tell me that you are still a virgin?”

“
Vanessa, a lot of things happened when you left London and I ...”

She couldn’t finish, she wasn’t ready to tell her about all of her pain, this was too humiliating and her friend wouldn’t even understand why she was insecure.

“
Don’t worry, darling, you are in Belfast and you have a hot boy that is interested in you. I am sure that your first sexual experience will be amazing. I am not judging,” said Vanessa, smiling. Sophia was glad that Vanessa wasn’t making fun of her.

“
I am not looking for a one night stand, Vanessa,” pointed out Sophia, getting frustrated that she was afraid to tell her friend what exactly had happened to her. She was afraid to talk about it, feeling that she would lose her dignity.

“
What about that other guy, Mason? He was cute.”

“
He was, but I didn’t take his number as you know, if we ever meet again I promise that I will deal with this differently,” said Sophia feeling stupid now. She should have given him her number. It’s not like she didn’t want to have sex, she did, but she knew how difficult it would be to explain the reason behind all the scars on her body. She was worried about being rejected.