Beautiful Pain
Authors: Joanna Mazurkiewicz
by
Joanna Mazurkiewicz
“
Beginnings are usually scary and endings are usually sad, but it’s everything in between that makes it all worth living.”
Sandra Bullock in
Hope Floats
Copyright © 2013 by Joanna Mazurkiewicz
First published in Great Britain in 2013 by Joanna Mazurkiewicz. The right of Joanna Mazurkiewicz to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by her in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act of 1988.
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are product of the author’s imaginations or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events or locales is entirely coincidental.
No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means without the prior written consent of the author/publisher, except by a reviewer who may quote brief passages in a review to be printed in a newspaper, magazine, journal or blog.
Smashwords Edition
Table of content
Prologue
Everything began when we were sitting in the living room. My cousin Jessica was there. I thought that I was much stronger, that I could deal with everything, but deep down I was just a small scared child who couldn’t feel anything at all. Jessica was still dressed in her school uniform and her blonde hair was tied up in a ponytail. She listened to her mother with admiration. Her brown eyes were wide and took everything in. I hated those afternoons with Aunt Lucy. It was torture sitting next to my mother who kept admiring how well Jessica was doing in school.
“
I think we should take Sophia to those art classes in the same college where Jessica goes next week,” said Aunt Lucy, smiling. “A famous artist from Australia is interested in Jessica’s paintings.”
I could have only hoped that mum didn’t take the hint, but it was already too late.
“
Yes of course, Sophia, what do you think?”
“
I am not interested in art, Mum—”
“
Oh nonsense! You need to have a hobby, look at Jessica, soon she will be famous around Britain with all her wonderful paintings,” Mum cut me off dryly and I blushed.
“
Oh yes, Sophia, the talent is in our family,” exclaimed Aunt Lucy, smoothing her blonde hair. I wanted to tell her that I hated art. I had my own interest but mum didn’t even want to hear about that. My cousin Jessica was the daughter that my mother always wanted. She had excellent grades, baby blonde straight hair, and she went to the most prestigious Art college in London.
“
If you do well in school you could apply for a place next year. You will be able to meet all those famous artists.” Jessica beamed with an expression of utter content. She made me sick, her perfect pale complexion and designer clothes. I wanted to throw up.
“
Sophia’s grades aren’t bad, but surely she can do better,” said Mum, smiling widely.
“
Jessica’s always had good grades, it’s all about hard work. You should hire Mr. Nicholson for Sophia’s tutorials, her grades would go up within a few months,” Aunt Lucy advised my mother. My mother wasn’t going to let go of that idea and I knew that she was going to tell me that she’d hired Mr. Nicholson for a trial lesson. My grades were never good enough and I was fed up with being compared to my cousin, Jessica, on a daily basis. I sat digging my nails into my skin, boiling all the emotions inside me but continuing to listen, hoping to block all the negative thoughts away.
When they left I ran upstairs and locked the door to my room. Closing the curtains, I sat on my desk for a while. I felt as if I was going to blow up, there wasn’t enough air in my lungs and I was choking. My mind was spinning, anxiety rushed through my body, and I started sweating because I couldn’t release the pressure that had been building inside me for days, weeks, or maybe years. It felt as if I had been in water for minutes and I couldn’t get above the surface. I pushed my legs and arms, swimming, but the water was getting inside my nose, mouth, and into my lungs. Then I saw them; a small pair of nail scissors lying there where my mother had left them. My hand was shaking when I picked them up. My heart was beating faster and I wanted to stop drowning so I pushed my chair away and lifted my skirt. I touched my skin with the scissors and then pressed, digging the sharpness inside my flesh. I felt a piercing pain. I cut as deeply as I could and then I threw the sharp object away. The thick liquid emerged from the small wound and I was staring at it completely mesmerised and fascinated. The anxiety was long gone; it was just long, blissful peace. I smiled, not feeling anything at all. The pressure eased off and I felt better than ever before.
I was finally liberated.
Chapter One
Six years later
“
Are you sure that you are ready for this?” asked Collette Foster, slamming the bulk of the papers on the table in front of Sophia. Her nostrils flared with annoyance and impatience. Sophia smiled and tugged her hair behind her ear. She knew that Mrs. Foster wanted to double check if she was ready to take this assignment. After all, Sophia didn’t have that much experience, and if anything went wrong Mrs. Foster’s job could be on the line.
“
Of course, I have been thinking about this all year,” said Sophia, not taking her eyes off Collette, who had found this exciting contract for her.
“
All right, if you’re really ready then I can’t stop you. I just want to warn you that this will be hard, challenging, but they agreed to have you as temporary Probation Service Officer,” continued Collette, watching Sophia carefully. She received a phone call this morning asking if Sophia was ready to start as soon as possible. Someone was on long term sick leave and Collette thought about Sophia straight away.
“
I am aware of it, Mrs. Foster, but I like a challenge,” chuckled Sophia.
“
You sound like a clever girl. They are important clients so I am expecting no problems whatsoever, but I am still willing to find you something in London if you don’t want to be away for the whole summer.”
Sophia tightened her jaw and pulled back her sleeves. Collette Foster wasn’t going to take any nonsense from her, she knew what she was talking about and Sophia couldn’t hesitate.
“
I just need to get away from here. I hate London in the summer,” she marveled, but her voice was tense. Collette narrowed her eyes and pushed back her glasses.
“
It’s your choice, Sophia, so I am not going to dwell on this anymore. When you arrive in Belfast you have to report to Susan O’Brien at the Probation Board for Northern Ireland. All the details are in this envelope,” explained Collette and patted her brown hair. “Any problems just call me. You know what is acceptable and what isn’t, so just make sure you are careful.”
“
I know, Mrs. Foster, but I am really looking forward to this, it’s a great opportunity,” replied Sophia, firmly taking the envelope as she stood up.
Collette was a short thin woman in her mid-forties. She was one of the Recruitment Consultants who took care of positions within the Probation Service, and when Sophia first came to her she was reluctant to work with her. Collette knew that Sophia worked as a temporary Probation Service Officer last year, it was only two days a week for a few months mainly to gain relevant experience, but she wanted to give her a chance. Moreover, Sophia had just done her second year of Psychology and Criminology and she was doing her Diploma in Probation Practice. Her CV needed a little work, but in the end she sent it to a few prospective employers. After many weeks of silence she was going to tell Sophia that she should look for a work placement as no one had responded. When she was just about to call a new candidate, she received a phone call from Belfast. The Probation Board for Northern Ireland liked Sophia’s CV and they wanted her to start straight away. They had been looking for someone for a while and a three month contract during summer holidays was ideal. Sophia had a small case load last year when she worked in London so she shouldn’t have any problems getting used to the Irish way of working.