Beautifully Broken (4 page)

I caught a glimpse of Gray
smiling down at his mother, and I could see a part of Mr. Weston in his smile.
It filled my heart with happiness. I slowly stood up to grab myself a glass of
water. Gray and his mother were caught up in a discussion about our current
health care system, and I had no problem tuning them out. I stood in front of
the sink staring out into our backyards with overwhelming sadness. Even though
there were others in my house to keep me company tonight, I still found myself
feeling alone.

I noticed that Gray and
Reagan were still chatting amongst themselves, so I snuck out the sliding glass
door out onto the lawn. I took a long sip from my water glass and steadied it
on the edge of the porch.

I lay down in the overgrown
grass, staring into the star speckled sky. I had spent many nights after my parents’
death, just lying in this very spot wondering if they could see me. I caught
the small tear that had started to fall down my cheek just as I heard the back
door crackle as it opened. I didn’t have to turn around or even sit up to know
that it was Gray. In a matter of seconds he was lying right next to me.

His hand slid through the
grass, searching for mine. When he found it he intertwined our fingers,
squeezing tight. I didn’t say a word, just reciprocated by squeezing his hand
back. I found peace just being in the presence of Gray, and tonight was no
exception.

I gradually turned my head
in his direction, only to realize that he had been looking at me the whole
time. “Do you even realize how beautiful you are?” He whispered quietly, I’m
not even sure I was meant to hear him.

A small smile reached my
face as my eyes instantly locked onto his. “You know this, me and you, won’t
work right now right?” I knew I was ruining this moment we were sharing, but he
had to know.

He turned his head to face
the night sky. “I know Bennett. I wasn’t asking for anything from you. I never
have.” His voice was laced in anger and I knew I had ruined our perfect moment.

His fingers let go of mine
and he pushed himself into a sitting position while shaking his head. “Don’t
you see it Bennett? Can you really not see beyond yourself? I lo-. Just never
mind, dinner is ready, let’s go eat.” He stood and wiped his hands down his
pants before heading inside.

I huffed as I stood up and
grabbed my glass from the porch. I knew I had hurt his feelings just now but if
he was leaving me in a couple of months, I had to start pushing him away now.
It only made sense to spare myself the heartache I knew that I was going to
have to endure. It was inevitable, and it made me want to die.

Dinner was amazing. I hadn’t
had a home cooked meal or at least one that hadn’t come from a box, in I didn’t
know how long. I made sure I told Gray, at least a dozen times how great it
tasted. He was acting strange and I knew it was my fault. Mrs. Weston prattled
on about meaningless things; I could tell that she sensed the tension between
the two of us. I knew it wasn’t in her nature to pry. When we were all done
eating, I immediately went to cleaning and loading the dishes into the
dishwasher.

Gray helped clean off the
counters and then turned to leave with his mother. I was taken aback with the
fact that he didn’t even hang back a second to hug me good-bye. Mrs. Weston
said a quick good night and they both walked out the front door. I stood on the
other side of the closed door, baffled. What had just happened? My sadness
suddenly turned into pure rage, unleashing all of it onto the contents of my house.

Picture frames and glass
shattered at every corner of the living room. I heaved the half moon wicker
chair across the entryway along with CDs, books and movies. I ripped each and
every picture from every wall in the house, my nails chipping the paint in the
process. I moved my way into the kitchen and nothing was left untouched. Pots,
pans, plates, silverware, glasses and vases were helpless to my fists. When I
finally made my way into my bedroom, I slumped down against my bedroom door
tears falling uncontrollably down my face.

I wish I could say that my
fit made me feel some sort of relief, but it didn’t. If anything, I ended up
feeling worse off than before. I sat my head against my knees that were pulled
up to my chest and let every emotion I had boiling up inside of me, out. When
my legs started to fall asleep, I crawled across my bedroom floor and up onto
my bed. I curled up in the tightest ball possible and faced my back towards
Gray’s window. I knew that he would at least check on me that way, but I wasn’t
going to give him the satisfaction of seeing me.

My eyes felt like twenty
pound weights on my face when I woke the next morning. I let out a yawn,
stretching the length of my bed in all directions. My body was extremely stiff
due to the fetal position that I had stayed in all night, but nothing compared
to the pain that went shooting through my knuckles. I instantly cried out in
pain. I wandered into the bathroom to wrap my hand.

I put some antibacterial
ointment on my knuckles after checking for shards of glass. I wrapped it in
gauze and then again in an ACE bandage. As I was fastening the Velcro on the
bandage, I heard crunching glass. I flung open the door and started screaming
as I ran down the hall. “BE CAREFUL! ITS EVERYWHERE!” When I finally reached
the source of the noise Hannah stood staring with a perplexed look on her face.
All I could think, was at least it wasn’t a look of pity. I was getting really
sick of
that
look.

“Hi Han.” I made sure to
keep eye contact, with no hint of forgiveness in mine. “What are you doing
here?” I was pissed and I needed her to know. I walked into the kitchen pantry
to grab the broom, ignoring Hannah in the process.

“What happened to your
house?” She whispered.

“Nothing. I’ll say it again,
why are you here Han?”

She moved to sit at the
kitchen table. “I came by to apologize Bennett. I am s-” I cut her off mid
sentence. I was so over her and Gray, and their apologies. For once, I just
wanted one of them to be honest. I knew what I was going to say next would make
her never want to speak to me again, but I was beyond caring.

“Hannah, I don’t give a shit
how sorry you are. You claim to be my best friend. You have always been there
for me, but then you hide this shit from me.” I began waiving my arms in the
air for emphasis. “You straight lied to me more than once. Not once did you
think to yourself, maybe I should tell Bennett. Not once. You and Gray are
beyond selfish. You were only concerned with yourself and how he made YOU feel.
Well, I deserve a better friend than you. I would have never done this to you,
EVER! Now get out of MY house.” I slammed the broom into the dustpan as I
continued to sweep. I didn’t have to look up to know that Hannah was running
out of my house, in tears. I heard the door slam and I let out a deep sigh.

“Well, if I would’ve known
that this was who you were going to become, I would have never told you.” His
voice startled me and I couldn’t help but roll my eyes and continue cleaning.

“What do you want Gray?” I
whispered.

“What happened here
Bennett?” His voice was stern. It was sexy as hell.

“Why the hell do you care?
Nothing happened here. You left. Some pictures fell shortly after.” I couldn’t
turn to look at him.

“That’s bullshit Bennett,
and you know it. Did you decide to throw yourself a little pity party? Huh?”

It took everything in me not
to turn around and deck him across the face. Who did he think he was coming
into
my
house and accusing
me
of throwing a pity
party. “You’re damn right I did, asshole. When you turned your back on me last
night and didn’t even say good-bye, I guess I did throw a pity party! What’s it
to you?” I spat.

“Are you trying to push
everyone away Bennett? I’m pretty sure after that little speech, Hannah will
never speak to you again. I hope that makes you happy.”

“It does! Now leave me
alone!” I turned to walk into the living room but a strong hand caught my
forearm in a tight grip.

“Don’t touch me Gray. Just
let go and leave.” I jerked my arm trying to free it, but he only gripped
tighter. He pulled me into his chest and I immediately gave in. I leaned into
him and couldn’t stop the sobbing that followed. He gently wrapped his
comforting arms around me, squeezing me just enough to let me know he wasn’t
letting go. “Stop pushing everybody away Button.” I heard a chuckle vibrate
through his chest.

“Don’t call me that.” I
chuckled back.

Gray led me to the kitchen
table and sat me down, while he fetched me a glass of water. “Here drink this.
Plastic was all I could find that wasn’t broken. You sure did a number on your
parent’s place.” He sat next to me with his hand on my knee.

“Don’t call it theirs Gray.
Its been mine now for two years.” I tensed under his gaze. I could tell that he
had forgotten that it had been exactly two years ago today, that I had lost my
only reason for living.

The back of his hand brushed
down my cheek gently, instantly calming me. Tears began to fall again, and he
caught them with his fingers one by one. “I am so sorry Bennett, I should have
remembered.” He hung his head in what I could only guess was shame.

“I’m fine Gray, I promise.”
My tears told another story. He leaned in to hug me but I squeezed past him,
heading out into the living room to finish cleaning up my mess.

“I’ll help you.”

I nodded in appreciation. We
cleaned in silence for at least two hours. I gathered each broken picture frame
off of the glass-covered floor, not being able to bring myself to look at the
pictures they held. We finished around 3:30pm and I glanced over at Gray and
smiled. I saw my best friend as a new man, and not a young boy. I ran into his
arms and apologized profusely. I
needed
him to forgive me, almost as much as I
needed air to breathe. I looked up at him through my veil of hair and squeezed
him tighter, before letting him go.

“You want to stay and hang
out for a bit?” I was surprised when he said yes.

We spent the rest of the day
lying in each other’s arms on the couch, watching movies. After one in the
morning I shifted around to look at him. “Will you stay with me?”

He nodded his head and I
snuggled deeper into his chest and drifted into a dreamless sleep.

Graduation had come and
gone, as did summer. I had known this day was coming for exactly eight months
and ten days. It still didn't make the fact that he was leaving me any easier.
Knowing the time was coming only made it that much harder to deal with. Gray
had literally been my whole world for the last thirteen years. He knew me
better than I knew myself, and I was petrified to be without him. Sure, I would
be starting college soon but it just seemed wrong that our lives were headed in
separate directions.

When Gray told me he was
going to be joining the police academy, I cried for two whole days. I couldn’t
bring myself to leave my house. This wasn't how we had planned it. We were both
supposed to go to the same school, have some classes together, and share the
college experience the way best friends should. Knowing that Hannah would be
there with me gave me some sense of relief but it just wasn't the same.

It took some time, but she
eventually forgave me for my outburst and we ended up closer than we had ever
been. It took a little while for her and Gray to be able to hang out around
each other, but we managed. We all ended up having the best summer ever. We
went to parties, clubs and even made it into the city a few times. I was sad to
see it all end.

Once the last bit of pink
sky turned to black, I decided to head back into the house. I had spent most of
the day in the tree house. Gray was busy getting his things together and ready
for the academy. I figured I might as well get used to the loneliness now. I
slid open the back door not knowing what to do with myself. I glanced at the
clock on the kitchen wall and sighed heavily realizing that sleep would most
likely be evading me, yet again. My house had turned into my solitary
confinement since laying my parents to rest, and I had learned to accept it.