Because of You (17 page)

Maddie

n my back pocket is my cell. I pull it out and dial a number I know by heart.

A woman answers. Her name is Carrie. “Miss Abigail Brevins’ office.” Each word comes out choppy, with bite.

“Hi Carrie. It’s me. Maddie. Martin,” I finish. It dawns on me I have no idea how many people Abigail sees. People, like me, who can’t deal with the life they were dealt.

“Oh, hi Maddie. Did you want to make an appointment? We haven’t seen you in a while. How’s college?” Carrie’s voice is mellow, full of comfort. The perfect voice for someone with her job description, and she really is sweet. Interested in what’s going on with me. Right now it’s grating on my last nerve.

“This is an emergency.” I plop down on a bench and place my head between my knees. Spots are floating across my vision. “Please. I. Really. Need. To.” My breathing is coming in gasps. I can’t seem to get enough air. It’s a panic attack. I haven’t had one in a very long time, not since I started getting tattoos. All it took was for Kyle to mention his father. Talk about him like he’s anything but an evil monster. It’s ripping my guts out. Tearing my heart into little pieces.

It isn’t fair Kyle gets to have a dad. It isn’t right he gets to talk to his dad about college, and a major.

More spots. I’m going to faint. Embarrass myself again and pass out.

“Hang on, Maddie,” Carrie coos, extra gentle. She puts me on hold. Irritating music pummels my ears.

Seconds later, Abigail is on the phone. “Hi Maddie. How’s it going?”

Hearing her voice calms me a little. I try to take a deep breath. “I’m freaking out,” I say.

“Deep breath. Go on. I’ll wait.”

I suck in a breath, allowing the cool air to fill my lungs. The sun is setting. I focus on the orange, purples, and pinks in the cloudless sky. I take another breath.

“Feeling better?”

“A little,” I say.

“Good. Now tell me what set you off.”

I take another cleansing breath and dive in. “My music professor asked me to play a duet for the Winter Gala. Doing so guarantees me another full ride next year. I agreed right away. Today I met my duet partner.” I pause. My heart is racing. Even at the thought of saying his name.

“And, how did it go?” Abigail encourages.

“At first. Okay,” I say honestly. “But then it got messy. Really messy. And I’m hurting. So, so bad.” I wrap an arm around my waist and pull my knees to my chest. I try to be as small as possible because the smaller I am, the less it’ll hurt.

“What happened? Why did the pain start?” Abigail soothingly asks.

“It’s Kyle,” I say softly, trying not to let the words touch my body, inflict any more damage. “He’s supposed to play the duet with me.”

I hear her suck in a breath. “Aww, well you thought you might see him. You were conflicted about it.”

“Yes,” I nod into the phone. “I-I keep going back and forth. It’s easy to talk to him, to be around him, until I remember who his father is. Then I lose it.”

“I see. What specifically set you off?”

At the memory of Kyle at the piano, talking about his dad like he was discussing the weather, my heart buckles. “He mentioned his dad.”

“What did he say?”

I stand, no longer able to sit still. “He said his dad wanted him to major in business.” Tears well up. They won’t stop and my eyes become blurry, the yellowing landscape glassy.

“Why did that upset you?”

I grind my teeth together. I don’t want to say the words she wants to hear. But I’ve learned from experience she’ll spin the questions until I tell her exactly what’s bothering me. “Because.” My voice cracks, and I stop.

“Because,” she coaxes.

“Kyle’s father is still walking around. Living. Breathing. Having conversations with his kid while my parents are dead. Gone. And it’s all his father’s fault!” I shout the last part into the phone. A couple holding hands moves off the sidewalk, giving me some much-needed space. I feel myself losing it with each rise and fall of my chest. A frantic fear is mounting. I don’t know how to reel it in. The anguish spreads like a wildfire through my body. It needs to stop, disappear.

“I get that, Maddie. I do. And you have every right to feel the way you do.”

Her words do little to comfort me.

“I-it hurts so much.” I fall to my knees.

The phone tumbles from my hands, and I don’t care. I’m being eaten alive. The grief gets bigger and bigger, so overpowering I barely notice I’m being manhandled. Words are being spoken but I can’t understand what’s said. Agony fills my pores and crevices. I want it to stop. It doesn’t. Instead it grows stronger. My world crashes, my heart shatters. I am nothing.

Kyle

I chase after Maddie. Something happened. Something’s wrong. I saw it in her features. When she collapses, I run to her. One emotion burns through my body—fear. It’s everything all at once. Memories of the two of us, unanswered questions.

Panic shoots through my heart. And I realize I can’t lose her. I won’t.

She drops her phone. “Maddie.”

I slide next to her, lift her head onto my thighs.

“Maddie. Maddie, what’s wrong?”

“I can’t. I can’t. It hurts too much.” Her words come out soft.

I have to lean down to catch what she’s saying.

“What hurts? Where?”

“My heart. It’s—I’m ruined.”

“No. No, you’re going to be fine. I’m here.”

There’s a noise coming from her phone, and I pick it up. “Hello?”

“Hello? Who is this? Put Maddie back on the phone,” a woman commands.

“Uh, this is Kyle. Hadley. Who is this?”

There’s a sigh. “This is Abigail Brevins. I’m Maddie’s doctor.”

“Doctor? Is she sick?”

“Kind of.” She sighs again. “I’m her therapist.”

“Oh.” What more can I say?

“Is Maddie alright? Can she talk?”

“She’s, uh, fainted. I think. Her eyes are closed.” I know I sound like a complete putz, but I need Abigail to tell me what to do because I’m losing it.

“Check her pulse.”

I do. It’s thumping steadily. “I feel it.”

“Good. She’s fine. Occasionally, her panic attacks can be severe, which is what’s happened. She’s fainted and may be out of it a while. If you want to take her to the hospital you can, but what she needs is to rest someplace safe. Can you do that?”

“Yes. Okay.”

“If I may be so bold…” she trails off, and I gather she’s waiting for me to agree.

“Say what you have to say.”

“You and Maddie have unfinished business. She doesn’t know your father died, does she?”

“I—no. I’m not sure, but how do you know?”

“Her aunt kept me abreast of you and your father and your story. Sadly, they wouldn’t let me tell her. They also kept her way too in the dark, feeling they should protect her when her world fell apart. Maddie is too accepting of their words. Perhaps you can help her work it out.”

“I—Really?”

I feel the shock on my face. What’s her point? So my father died. Does she think I’ll seem more sympathetic if Maddie knows?

“If you care at all for her, you’ll really talk to her. Got it?”

“Yeah, I guess,” I respond.

But I seriously have no damn idea what she means. Unless it has to do with our seven year separation. But that had nothing to do with me, and everything to do with Maddie. I tried many, many times to talk to her, and she never responded.

“Good-bye, Kyle Hadley.” I swear I hear her smile. “I think you’ll be good for her.”

“Thanks. Bye.” I hang up and tuck Maddie’s phone in my pocket. Then pick her up and spin in a circle.

“Need some help, man?” some guy asks. I notice a group of students have gathered and are talking quietly.

“Nah, I’m good.” I start walking to my Jeep. “I’m taking her home,” I say to no one in particular.