Before Jamaica Lane (18 page)

I was happy.

Truly, peacefully, happy.

And I had no intention of analyzing it.

Analyzing it was sure to kill all the happy.

Lying with my head on a cushion, my legs stretched out across Nate’s lap, I looked at him out of the corner of my eye as he watched the movie and absentmindedly stroked my ankle.

Our sexual relationship had only escalated over the last two weeks, until nearly all of my inhibitions were gone. Sex with Nate was easy. I didn’t feel self-conscious. I wasn’t constantly worrying if I was doing it wrong.

My confidence had grown, yet still I was avoiding Benjamin. Instead I was lost in this world of sex and laughter and fun with Nate. We still hung out, but now it was intermingled with sexy time.

Freakin’ awesome sexy time.

We never hung out at Nate’s – I’d never even seen his place – because he said he preferred my apartment, so he often used the key I had given him. Today I was especially pleased to come home and find him on my couch, eating my potato chips and watching TV. I’d just had ‘the dinner’ with Dee that Dad had suggested a few
weeks ago, and up until I saw Nate in my space I’d been feeling a little raw.

I bent to kiss his temple to let him know I was happy to see him and then I got changed into a silky nightdress Nate had bought me. When I came back into the room he took one look at my face and patted the couch beside him. I sat down and let him enfold me in a hug.

‘You okay?’ he asked, pressing a kiss to my hair.

‘It was just … It’s fine. We just talked about Mom. It always takes it out of me.’

In response he cuddled me for a while. It felt wonderful.

Nate’s phone buzzed on the table and I pulled my legs off his lap so he could reach it. He flicked the screen, his eyebrows drawing together as he read the text message he’d just received.

‘Everything okay?’

‘It’s Cam,’ he murmured. ‘I think he’s getting suspicious. Wondering why I’m busy all the time.’

‘Just tell him you’re busy getting busy. He doesn’t need to know who with.’

‘I’ve been getting busy so much lately, he’s bound to know it must be with just one woman and he’ll want to know who. Even I can’t find a new sexual partner every day.’

‘We’re not having sex every day.’

‘Almost.’

I shrugged, acquiescing to the truth. ‘Fine. But we’re trying to cram years of experience into a few weeks here.’

Nate grinned and suddenly grabbed my ankles, pulling me down the couch before crawling over me. ‘I know, it’s so exhausting,’ he teased. ‘I’m utterly sick of it.’

He was so sick of it he yanked my nightie off and sat back to pull his shirt off and unbuckle his jeans. My thighs were already quivering with excitement as he pulled my panties off and threw them over his shoulder.

The apartment was soon filled with my pleading whimpers as he buried his head between my legs and brought me to climax with his tongue. I was barely coherent when he suddenly gripped the backs of my calves to lift my legs over his shoulders.

This was new.

His lips grazed mine. ‘You’ll feel me so deep this way, baby. Hold on.’

‘Nate!’ I cried out, feeling every inch of him as he pumped in and out of me.

He was right. His cock thrust in at the most beautiful angle and the pressure inside me was building, building, building –

‘Ahh!’ I yelled, clamping a hand around my thigh and gritting my teeth in pain.

‘What? What?!’ Nate stopped, panic in his voice. ‘Liv?’

‘I’ve got a leg cramp,’ I whimpered.

Nate immediately pulled out of me, his panting sounding really loud in the small room. ‘Which one?’

‘My left,’ I managed to answer through the ugly discomfort.

Nate coasted his hand up my leg and found the cramping muscle in the back of my thigh. My fingers bit into the couch as he began to massage it for me.

After a while the cramp began to ease, and as Nate felt the tension start to drain out of me the couch started to shake a little with his laughter.

Mortification instantly hit me.

I got a leg cramp during hot sex.

That was not cool. That was not sexy.

Blushing furiously, I slapped my hands over my face. ‘Oh, God.’

Nate laughed harder.

I was so embarrassed that I was on the verge of tears. I sat up, ducked my head, and pushed him off me.

‘Liv.’ No longer laughing, Nate grabbed for me, but I pushed harder, trying to crawl past him. ‘Olivia.’

‘Get. Off.’ I shoved an elbow in his stomach, but that just made him fight harder. And he was stronger than me. In a tangle of shoving limbs I ended up flat on my stomach, the left side of my face pressed into the couch and my hands held captive above my head.

Nate kissed my cheek. ‘Will you calm down, please?’

‘I’m humiliated,’ I whispered, closing my eyes.

I felt Nate’s chest on my back as he rested his chin on my shoulder, his lips close to mine. ‘Why would you be humiliated? Fuck, Liv, it’s just me.’

I shrugged, not very successfully, against his weight. ‘I took leg cramp. Interrupting sexy time.’

‘Babe’ – humor entered his voice – ‘please don’t
make me laugh, because I’m sensing laughter is not good right now.’

I glared at his mouth. ‘You’d be right.’

‘It was funny, though.’ He kissed my cheek again. ‘And not funny in the way that you should be humiliated. Just funny. The Liv I know can laugh at herself.’

I pushed my face into the cushion as if it would somehow hide me. ‘I guess I’m just still not confident about this stuff.’

‘What? You think a bit of leg cramp will turn me off you?’

I half shrugged again.

Nate’s weight lifted from my back, but as he sat up his hands gripped my hips. He jerked my body up so I had to bend my knees to steady myself. I rested on my elbows, the breath whooshing out of me as I stared at him over my shoulder. ‘What are you doing?’

He caressed my ample bottom, his eyes filled with a dark intensity as
his
knees nudged
my
knees apart. Without a word he slid inside me.

I gasped, watching as he closed his eyes as if savoring the feel of me. He pulled back and this time he slammed into me. I bit out a cry, watching as his eyes opened, his grip practically bruising on my hips. Through clenched teeth, he asked, ‘Does this feel like I don’t want you?’

I reared against him, silently begging for more. ‘No.’ I shook my head, and then arched back as he thrust into me. Just like that, Nate began to screw the mortification right out of me.

My head fell forward, my hair spilling across the couch, my cries mingling with Nate’s grunts as he rocked into me with increasing desperation. When his movements suddenly slowed, thus delaying my encroaching orgasm, I glanced over my shoulder at him through the strands of my wild hair. ‘Why?’ I moaned.

‘I want to feel you,’ he responded, his voice rough as his hand slid up the damp skin of my stomach. The pressure of his hold forced me back against his chest, changing the angle of him inside me.

‘Nate.’ I sighed in pleasure, my head resting against his shoulder.

He cupped my breast lovingly in his right hand while his other tickled back down my stomach. My hips jerked in reaction to the press of his fingers against my clit. As he worked me with his fingers, he began to work me again with his cock.

I moved against him, finding rhythm to his sensuous torture, sliding up and down on his dick, feeling out of my mind with sensation. I wrapped my arm behind me, my fingers biting into the back of his shoulder as I held on to him for dear life.

‘This is me and you,’ he panted, driving faster and harder into me. ‘Don’t ever run. Not from me.’

‘Okay.’ I shook my head against his shoulder. ‘Okay.’

He stilled his fingers on my clit. ‘Promise me.’

‘Nate, don’t stop, don’t stop,’ I whispered hurriedly. ‘Please, I’m so close. I’m so close.’

He rocked up into me and stilled.

‘Nate!’ I keened, my hands dropping to his hips, gripping him behind me. ‘Please!’

‘Promise me. Tell me you won’t run.’ He bit my ear, the nip almost painful. ‘Tell me you won’t run from me ever. And then beg me to fuck you.’

My brain was too busy firing neurons for me to even question it. ‘I won’t ever run from you,’ I gasped, urging my ass down on his lap. ‘Now please, please fuck me. Make me come.’

Suddenly I was on my stomach, Nate’s chest to my back, his animalistic grunts and growls filling my ears as he thrust into me over and over, pounding me into the couch, and pounding me toward an orgasm that blew my head off.

My scream of release filled the apartment, muffled only somewhat by Nate’s own hoarse shout as he came at the first clench of my climax.

The following Saturday I huddled under an umbrella with Jo as we waited for Ellie and Joss to step out of the house on Scotland Street. The estate agent, Ryan, an ex-colleague of Jo’s from when she’d worked at Braden’s estate agency, Carmichael & Co., began talking to Ellie as Jo threaded her arm through mine.

Adam and Ellie had found a place they liked. The spacious Georgian flat had stripped wood floors, high ceilings, and period details. Any work that needed done was merely cosmetic. Ellie was in love, Adam really liked it, and Els wanted our opinion.

It was a resounding ‘yes’ from us girls.

Once Ryan left, Ellie grinned at us excitedly. ‘I’m so glad you guys like it. I really appreciate you coming out to see it.’ She started down the stairs and Joss rushed to get under her umbrella with her as we followed. ‘Especially you, Liv.’ She smiled curiously over her shoulder. ‘You’ve been so busy lately.’

I smiled back in response, hoping it wasn’t a slightly startled, panicked smile.

Jo squeezed my arm against her ribs. ‘It’s funny,’ she murmured so only I could hear, ‘but Nate’s been busy lately too.’

Forcing myself not to react, I couldn’t say anything. I didn’t want to lie outright, so that meant I was left with ignorant silence. In truth, we were five weeks into our lessons – could we call it lessons anymore? – and now I was getting a little desperate to talk to someone about what was going on with me and Nate. Jo was more experienced than I was about relationships, and men in general, and now I was at a point where I was so in need of advice that I wondered if I should let that need overshadow all the reasons I had
not
to go to her.

We came to an abrupt stop on the sidewalk as Joss’s cell rang. She fumbled in her purse for it and smiled apologetically at us as she answered.

Watching her was disconcerting. It was disconcerting because something I didn’t understand but definitely didn’t like entered her eyes. Growing pale, she muttered her thanks to whoever was on the other end of the line and let her phone dangle in midair as she stared off into space.

‘Joss?’ Ellie shook her gently, sensing what both Jo and I did.

Something was seriously wrong.

‘Joss, what is it?’

She blinked suddenly, and looked over at us, her eyes glassy with fear. ‘I have to go.’

‘Joss?’ Ellie took a step toward her as she began to back away. ‘Jocelyn?’

‘I have to go.’

‘Go where?’

‘I … just’ – she touched a hand to her forehead, turning paler by the second – ‘I have to go.’

‘Seriously, you’re scaring me. What’s going on?’

‘Ellie,’ she snapped, but as soon as her eyes clashed with her sister-in-law’s she softened. ‘Just … I need to be alone for a little while.’

After a moment’s thorough contemplation Ellie finally nodded. Silently, we watched as Joss turned on her booted heel and slowly walked away from us, her arms crossed over her chest, her chin tucked.

Ellie, Jo, and I shared concerned looks. ‘What. Was. That?’ I asked, feeling my stomach shift with unease.

Ellie didn’t answer as she pulled out her own cell with shaking hands. She flicked the screen a few times and began typing quickly.

‘What are you doing now?’ Jo looked down at Els’s phone, then turned her gaze back in the direction of where our friend had taken off.

‘Texting Braden to let him know.’

I burrowed closer to Jo to comfort her. ‘Does anyone know what that phone call could have been about?’

‘Not a clue.’ Ellie hugged herself, almost causing her umbrella to hit a person walking by. But Ellie wasn’t aware of anyone else at the moment, and her panic was making my unease increase. ‘But I haven’t seen Joss so guarded in a long time. It’s definitely not good.’

‘She’ll be okay,’ Dad reassured me, pulling me into his side for a hug.

After Ellie texted Braden she’d jumped in a taxi to go home to Adam, and Jo and I jumped in a taxi to head back to her flat. When we got there, the boys were back from judo class and we told them all what had happened with Joss. No one had a clue as to what it meant.

It was only afterward, as we were sitting around the living room, that I realized it was the first time in two weeks that Nate and I were in the same room with our friends. This time it felt weird. It felt weird because after I’d been watching four loving couples for the last few months it seemed to me that what Nate and I had wasn’t that different. Not only were we having
mind-blowing
sex, but we hung out, we talked about things that bothered us, we laughed … we snuggled. Nate joked and teased with me and stole my phone to take random snaps of me all the time.

We cared about each other.

A lot.

Hiding what we obviously had behind the excuse of lessons in sexual education and keeping it a secret was beginning to gnaw at my gut. Mostly because I knew Nate.

He wasn’t over needing to see that ‘A’ on his chest in the mirror every day, and I didn’t know if he’d ever be. It was becoming increasingly obvious to me that I was in danger of getting hurt.

Yet somehow I wasn’t smart enough to extricate myself from the situation.

A few times that afternoon I felt his eyes on me and
it made me squirm uncomfortably, as if he could see inside me to exactly what I was thinking.

Soda Pop, if he knew what you were thinking he’d be out the door faster than a fugitive
.

So when my dad called and invited me over for an early dinner I jumped at the offer, hurrying out of Jo and Cam’s with barely a good-bye to Nate.

Dad had thrown together marinated chicken, potatoes, and salad, and I sat on the stool next to him, picking at my food while he reassured me after I told him about the Joss incident.

I shook my head at his assurances. ‘You didn’t see her face. She looked … haunted.’

‘Braden found her, right?’

‘Yeah. Els texted to say he found her at the castle, where he thought she’d be.’

‘Well, we’ll just need to wait and hear from them.’

I nodded but kept pushing my food around my plate, my thoughts consumed by Joss and Nate.

‘You’ve lost weight,’ Dad commented. ‘Eat up.’

That was another upside to constant and active sex. I really had lost a few pounds and even toned up a little. Not that I could tell my dad the reason why. My cheeks burned just at the thought. ‘I’ve been really busy. Not a lot of time to eat.’

Dad raised an inquisitive eyebrow. ‘I have noticed these last few weeks you’ve been a little distant. Is it work keeping you busy?’

‘Yeah, work … and, you know, sometimes I help Nate out with his job as a reviewer.’

I caught the curl of his upper lip out of the corner of my eye. ‘Surely he’s getting paid to do that himself.’

‘He’s my friend, Dad,’ I warned.

‘I can’t help it. He’s twenty-eight years old and hasn’t bloody well grown up. He swans around taking photos and playing video games and watching movies,
and
he takes to bed anything that moves. That’s not a man, Olivia. That’s a boy. One that’s trouble. And I don’t like him sniffing around you.’

‘Hey, that’s enough!’ I snapped, my fork clattering to my plate.

Dad stared at my angry, flushed face in surprise.

‘You don’t know him,’ I said before he could reply. ‘You don’t know anything about him.’

‘Then enlighten me. What is it about this guy that you find worthy of your respect and time?’

‘He’s a good friend. A loyal, caring, compassionate friend.’

‘How? Why? What has he done?’

Crossing my arms over my chest, I leaned back, staring at the beautiful bay window that looked out over Heriot Row. I couldn’t quite meet my dad’s eyes as I admitted, ‘Last Thanksgiving I lied to you. I said I was okay, but I wasn’t.’ I felt the air around him thicken as he tensed. ‘When I left you I went home and went into a crazy meltdown. I cooked a turkey, potatoes, everything, but I burnt it and started to freak out. I mean …
really
freak out. Luckily, Nate was just dropping by and he caught me in the middle of it and he sat with me while I sobbed all over him about Mom.’ I chanced a glance at my dad and saw his jaw was taut, his eyes bright with sadness. ‘Nate was really there for me, Dad. And he got it. He got me. He lost the love of his life when he was eighteen.’ My voice cracked on the words ‘love of his life.’ ‘She died of cancer.’

‘Jesus.’ Dad bowed his head, drawing his hand down his face as though exhausted by the news.

‘They were childhood sweethearts and by all accounts she was pretty special. He hasn’t been the same since. You can’t tell anyone, Dad. He doesn’t talk about it.’

Dad looked at me, his gaze sharp. ‘Are you seeing him?’

My pulse started racing, my limbs shaking as I lowered my eyes. I couldn’t lie to my dad. I just couldn’t. ‘We’re not in a relationship, if that’s what you’re asking.’

‘Oh, baby girl.’ He groaned as if he was in pain. ‘I hope you know what you’re doing.’

Feeling tears inexplicably prick my eyes, I looked away and picked up my fork to play with my food again. ‘You can’t say anything. No one knows about us.’

‘And who am I going to tell?’

I smiled weakly at my plate. ‘Are you disappointed in me?’

‘No.’ His hand came down around mine, stilling my nervous movements. ‘But my girl deserves more than whatever you two are up to. You deserve to start making
a life with someone.
You
deserve to be the love of some man’s life.’

Somehow I managed not to cry. Instead, I smiled brightly at him, pushing all the negative stuff into my deep, dark pit. ‘Believe it or not, Nate has taken me a hundred steps closer to finding that.’

‘I don’t understand.’

‘You don’t need to, Dad. Just know that I’m better than I have been in a really long time.’

He studied me for a moment. ‘Okay. I’m glad, sweetheart.’

My phone rang, interrupting our heart-to-heart. Seeing Jo’s face on my screen, I reached for the phone hurriedly, as I realized she was probably calling about Joss. ‘Hey.’

‘Ellie just called,’ she said without preamble.

‘And?’

‘Joss is pregnant.’

I froze, frowning as I looked over at Dad. ‘Isn’t that good news?’

Jo sighed heavily. ‘I think it’s stirred up some ghosts, Liv.’

Understanding, I squeezed my eyes closed in empathy. ‘Her family?’

‘Aye.’ Jo’s exhalation was shaky. ‘Ellie says Braden’s pretty upset by Joss’s reaction. It’s supposed to be one of the happiest days of his life.’

I felt terrible for them. ‘They just got married. This whole time is supposed to be amazing for them.’

‘Yeah. Anyway, I knew you were worried, so I thought I’d let you know.’

‘Thanks, Jo. We’ll talk later.’

After we hung up, I turned to my waiting father. ‘Joss is pregnant.’

Dad looked just as confused as I’d felt at first. ‘That’s not a good thing?’

‘From the sounds of it, it’s opened some old, very painful wounds … about her family.’

‘Sometimes that happens. It’s just … something … triggers it. And you’re feeling everything all over again.’

I guess we understood that too. ‘I just hope she can get through it.’

‘She will.’ Dad sounded certain. ‘Braden’s her family. She’ll fight through it for him.’

I could only hope my optimistic father was right, because if anyone deserved happiness it was Joss and Braden Carmichael.