Before Ryan Was Mine (The Remembrance Trilogy - Prequel) (14 page)

I woke up a little disoriented. I sat up and blinked, glancing around then down at myself. I was in Ryan’s room still fully clothed in the jeans and sweater I’d worn the night before when Ryan and I had gone to the movie. I put both hands to my head, and threaded my fingers through my hair. It was a snarled mess in the back.

“Ugh,” I moaned as I tried to pull through the tangles with my fingers, to no avail. I didn’t have any of my stuff, and I was sure my make-up was either smeared or completely worn off. I probably looked like total shit.

I pushed back the covers and climbed out of Ryan’s bed. I couldn’t help but wonder how many girls had spent the night in this bed. But
with
him. I shuddered as jealousy shot through me. Maybe there was something wrong with me. He didn’t seem to have issues with girls. And even though I’d joked the night before, I caught him looking at me many times, and I could swear he was pissed by my “almost” date with Bryan. The mixed signals were confusing.

When I padded down the hall, I found Ryan on the couch, one arm thrown over his face and his feet dangling off one end. He looked uncomfortable, yet he was fast asleep, his strong jaw darkened by the shadow of stubble.

I didn’t have a ride, but I didn’t want to wake up Ryan. “Shit!” I whispered to myself. My coat and purse were on a hook by the door, and my boots were under the coffee table. I could see through the kitchen window that it had stopped snowing, but it was still overcast. Who knew how much snow had fallen, and I’d have to deal with that. Ryan and Aaron’s apartment was within a mile of campus, but my dorm was on the opposite end. I wasn’t looking forward to walking that far in the cold.

Ryan wasn’t moving. It had been late when I’d fallen asleep and I flushed, remembering how he’d lifted me and carried me to his room. Too bad I was so out of it. It would have been nice to enjoy it more.

I sat down in the chair, crouching down to grab my boots and shove my feet inside. There was nothing else I could do if I didn’t want to wake Ryan up or sit there and watch him sleep. I had no choice but to walk. I quietly shrugged into my coat, put my scarf around my face and neck, and took my purse and carefully unlocked Ryan’s doors. When the chain lock clanked a little, I grimaced and glanced in Ryan’s direction. He was out cold. I’d text him later.

I didn’t have gloves, so I shoved my hands into the deep pockets of the new wool coat Ryan’s parents had given me for Christmas, but the icy wind hit me in the face like a million tiny needles. This was the coldest it had been this winter. I was used to Northern California, but the climate was usually more moderate then this freak snowstorm. I couldn’t remember one ever being this bad. Ryan shrugged off the temperature here, used to the extreme highs and lows of the Midwest. I’d been shocked at the frigid temperatures in Chicago, and this wasn’t close to that, but it was way below the norm.

My boots were more a fashion statement, but I was thankful I had them when I stepped onto the sidewalk. The snow was maybe six inches deep and my feet sank down to my ankles, walking would be impossible without them.

I had my head down against the wind as I walked, the wind whipping the snow around me as I hurried along.

“Julia?” Aaron’s voice called from the street. I stopped and looked up to find him in a beat-up, beige Toyota Corolla that I didn’t recognize. His window was rolled halfway down. “Is that you?”

“Ye-yes,” I stuttered, my teeth now in a full chatter and my body shaking with shivers.

“Are you coming from our place?” When I nodded, he continued. “Want a ride home?”

I thought he’d never ask. Rather than answer I hurried around the front of his car and hopped into the passenger seat. “Thanks. Holy cow, it’s cold!”

Aaron smiled as he pulled into the first driveway so he could turn around and head back in the direction he’d just come. “Nah. This is balmy.”

I smiled as I huddled in my seat. Thankfully, he reached forward and pushed the heater on full blast.

“Thanks for stopping.”

“You and Ryan have a late night?” he asked suggestively.

“We went to see a movie then just hung out. Did you get a new, old car?” I teased, wanting to get the focus off of Ryan and me.

“No. This is Jenna’s.”

“I know Jenna, but I didn’t know she even drove anywhere. She lives in my dorm. On my floor, to be precise.”

“Yes, I know.” He grinned. Clearly, he’d just spent the night there.

“So, you’re going to get kicked out of Stanford?” I asked. Cohabitation on campus property is against school rules. “How’d you get out of there? Guys aren’t allowed on our floor until noon.”

“Jenna snuck me down the stairwell.”

“So are you guys an item now? I like her. She’s a smartass.”

“She is. I’m not sure yet, but I do like her a lot.”

“I’m glad.” I smiled softly. “She’s in some classes with Ellie, and we have a mutual disdain for this obnoxious woman on our floor who sings opera in the showers.”

“Maybe we can double date sometime.”

I flushed at the implication. Ryan and I with him and Jenna? “Um… double date?”

“Yes. One of my fraternity brothers is always hounding me to introduce you two.”

My heart fell. Of course, he didn’t mean me and Ryan and I quickly hid my disappointment. “Really?”

“Yes. He’s been after me since rush. Ryan doesn’t like him, but he’s a good guy. I’m a dude, so I can’t say he’s hot or anything, but girls seem to like him.” Aaron chuckled.

He pulled up on the driveway that went directly in front of my dorm entrance from the street. Suddenly, the car felt like a matchbox, and I needed to make a hasty retreat. I ditched a date the night before to be with Ryan, but given the weird status of our relationship, I wasn’t sure what was going on. “Um, okay. Text me the details? You can get my number from Ryan.” My hand closed around the door handle, I pulled it, and pushed open the door. “Thanks for the ride.”

I hopped out and was soon in the lobby of my dorm, waiting for the elevator. A dark haired girl I recognized from my literature class gave me the once over. “Was that Ryan Matthews’ brother?” I wanted to huff. Badly. True, Ryan was also in that lit class, but was there one woman on the fucking campus who didn’t know him by name?

“Yes,” I answered shortly, bowing my head a little and playing with one side of my hair. I pulled it down with my fingers, hoping if she couldn’t see my eyes, she’d stop probing about Ryan.

“So, are you guys a thing?”

“We’re friends,” I admitted with an uncomfortable flush rushing to my cheeks.

“If you’re not dating, can you hook me up? He makes me all fluttery.”

How gratifying for you
, my brain shouted. I wanted to gag. I stopped pulling on my hair as my head snapped up, and I glared at her. “Ryan doesn’t need me to arrange his dates. If he wants to date you, I promise, he’ll ask.”

“Do you think he does?” she asked hopefully.
Oh, my God!
She was dense. “I mean, really?” Her eyes were wide and beseeching.

I shrugged. The elevator finally arrived and I charged in front of her, hoping to hell she wasn’t going up as far as me. I pressed the ninth floor and she pressed the eleventh.
Crap.

“Well?”

“Sorry, not my day to babysit his schedule.”

Her lips turned into a pout. Her skin was almost as white as a sheet and her lips painted an obnoxious shade of red. At least on a nineteen year-old girl it seemed obnoxious.

“Geez, Julia. He’s so cute, and the Sadie Hawkins dance is coming up.”

I felt fairly certain Ryan wasn’t the Sadie Hawkins type. Hell, I wasn’t the Sadie Hawkins type. My eyes trained on the lighted numbers above my head as the elevator climbed, silently willing it to get there already. “It is?” I asked blankly.

“Yes. Can’t you help a girl out?”

The doors opened, and I stepped through then turned back to her, holding the door open with one hand. “I don’t tell him who to ask out. Ryan’s cool, but it would be weird if I tried to set him up.” If it wasn’t weird for Ryan, it definitely was for me.

She frowned at my words. Clearly, that wasn’t the answer she wanted to hear. “Would it kill you to drop a little hint?”

“Probably, yeah.” I took my hand away and let the doors close in her face.

I was feeling waspish. I was hot, my coat an annoyance, and I whipped the scarf off from around my neck on the way to my room. I pulled the key out of my pocket and shoved it in the door. Once inside the small space, the coat, scarf, and my boots were quickly discarded and shoved, unceremoniously, into the closet. Ellie was sitting on her bed doing something on her laptop when I threw myself face down on mine. Maybe I was feeling bitchy because I hadn’t gotten that much sleep.

“Rough night?” she asked.

I rolled over and stared at the ceiling, not sure I even wanted to talk at all. The ceiling had that white corkboard tile in rows. The overhead light was off, and other than that, we each had a lamp under the bookshelves that lined the walls above our beds. Ellie’s was on.

“No.” My eyes didn’t move from the ceiling. I sighed, feeling every ounce of air as it filled my lungs then rushed out.

“Did you finally sleep with Ryan?”

My head snapped over and I scowled at her. “Why is every woman, even
you
, on this fucking campus always thinking about Ryan in the sack? And why don’t you give it a rest, Ellie!” I felt my eyes begin to well with frustrated tears, and my throat started to ache.

“You mean—you don’t? Think about him like that?”

“No,” I lied and turned my back on her, pulling the extra blanket at the foot of my bed up and over me. “I need to sleep for a couple of hours.”

“Because you didn’t sleep?” The innuendo was back in her voice.

I closed my eyes in annoyance because she wouldn’t drop the subject.

“I slept. We stayed up late watching old SNL episodes, and I’m tired. Besides, it’s cold and gray; it’s sleeping weather.”

“Julia, it’s just… you guys are always together,” Ellie persisted. “You cancel dates to be with him. I mean, what is that, if you aren’t interested in him?”

She was right. If Ryan was giving me mixed signals, probably, I was doing the same to him. “It’s us being good friends,” I answered, annoyed, and still with my back to her.

“How many students attend Stanford undergrad, Julia? Eight thousand? He’s probably one of the nicest, smartest, most beautiful guys on campus.”

“Then
why
don’t you date him?”

“Because my best friend would hate my guts, that’s why! But it’s probably the only reason.”

What could I say to that? I was thankful she didn’t go after him because I wasn’t sure how I’d handle it. She knew how I felt about Ryan without my admitting it, but I just hoped I wasn’t as transparent to Ryan. I couldn’t talk about it with anyone, even Ellie, because then it became more real. For now, it was tucked away inside my mind, heart, and portfolio.

My phone vibrated in my back pocket, and I’d forgotten I’d shoved it there before I’d left Ryan and Aaron’s apartment. I willed myself to ignore it but my hand was already reaching for it. I knew it would be from Ryan.

Aaron told me he dropped you off. Sorry I didn’t wake up.

I quickly typed out a response with both thumbs.

No problem. I’m going to crash for a few hours. I’m wiped.

Too much SNL?

Maybe.

I have some homework to do first, but coffee later?

Say no, Julia. Just say no
, my mind screamed. I held the phone in my hand, and as I fought with myself, another message from Ryan came through.

I want to talk to you about something.

Why didn’t you talk to me last night?

I’ll explain when I see you.

Is everything okay?

Yeah. I’ll call you in a few hours. K?

To say I was anxious and worried was an understatement. I wish he’d just tell me and get it over with. I mean, nothing like dumping shit in my lap and making me wonder for hours. Ugh!
Whatever
, I thought in frustration.

K.

I texted back and shut my phone off. I had calculus and a résumé assignment for my business writing course that needed to be finished, but I was so flipping tired. Maybe I should sleep then be too busy for the coffee date. I silently chastised myself for even thinking the word “date.” We spent time together, but we didn’t date. If we were dating, or if he even had the desire to do so, I was sure Ryan would have made a move by now.

I slammed my fist into the pillow next to my head. What the fuck was I doing? The sooner I stopped mooning over Ryan, the better. That wasn’t going to happen if I canceled dates with guys I knew did have that kind of interest in me to be with my best “buddy.” I felt disgusted with myself.

“What was that about?” Ellie asked, surprised by the sound of my pillow punch.

I sat up, threw my legs over the side of my bed, and stood up abruptly. “Nothing. I have too much to do to sleep.” I walked to the closet that was at the foot of my bed and grabbed the white towel I had hanging on a hook behind the curtain that served as the makeshift door. Each side of the room was a mirror image of the other, the twin beds along the sides, shelving above each of them, with a built-in desk at the head of each bed, and a closet at the end. There was a sink near the door, and a little refrigerator underneath the window that was between the desks.

I felt her eyes watching me as I reached under the sink for my shampoo, conditioner and shower gel. “Um, okay,” she said uncertainly. “I thought I’d go to the library for a while, but want to meet back here at six? We can go to the Union for dinner. Wanna?”

“Sure.” My hand closed around the doorknob and I yanked open the door so I could head to the shower room down the hall. “See you at six.”

*****

I watched from a small table by the window as Ryan got our coffee. The Beanery was more crowded than usual, and though we liked to take a seat near the fireplace on the couches and plush chairs that rested there, today they were in use. The crisp chill outside made the fire inside and the warm drinks all the more inviting. Many of the students filling the establishment were reading, others had their laptops open and were studying or typing. Probably most were on social media. I tried hard not to fall into that trap, though I barely missed it. I had a small circle of friends who I spent all of my time with, and we kept in touch via text and phone calls, so I didn’t really need it for anything other than the groups some of the professors set up for my various classes.