Before Ryan Was Mine (The Remembrance Trilogy - Prequel) (15 page)

Because I was unobserved by him, I stared at Ryan’s tall frame. His back was to me, and I noted he needed a haircut. His golden blond locks were well below the collar of his dark blue and black shirt. I couldn’t help notice how warm and snuggly the flannel looked and wondered what it would feel like to be held close to him. I closed my eyes and wanted to beat myself over the head with my textbook.

He’d dumped his leather jacket on the chair across from me before he went to get the coffee. When he came back to the table and set a steaming drink in front of me, he pushed his coat unceremoniously to the floor before taking his seat. The coat was expensive. Everything about Ryan was perfect in an expensive, effortless sort of way. Even when his shirt was rumpled as if he’d slept in it all night, and his hair messy, he was still really sexy and somehow seemed put together.

I noticed two girls at a table next to us blatantly eyeing him then whispering loudly to each other. Bile rose up in my throat. Could they be more obvious? I wanted to scream at them.
Sluts.

Ryan didn’t speak right away, and though he seemed oblivious to the girls ogling, he was also uneasy as he removed the lid of his cup and set it down on the table. Clearly, he was hedging.

“What’s going on?” I asked, tired of the dance between us. Something was clearly wrong. “Just say it, Ryan. You’re acting weird. Just get it out.”

He glanced up at me, flushing when his eyes met mine. His right hand reached up and rubbed the back of his neck warily.

I could see him visibly take a deep breath. “Nothing like getting straight to the point, Julia.”

“Well? You had me worrying about it all afternoon and that was mean. So just tell me.”

“I’m sorry. I wasn’t trying to be mean,” he said gently, sitting back in his chair. He waited for a beat, and I gave him my
“well?”
expression with a shake of my head. “I just—” He stopped and just looked at me.

“What?” I said, my voice raising. Panic rose in my chest and made it harder to breath and tears began to sting the back of my eyes. “Are you sick or something?”

He shook his head, his hand coming up to stop me. “No. Julia, I’m not sick.”

I visibly relaxed, sagged back in my chair and raised a hand over my eyes as I blinked away the telltale tears.

“I’ve been thinking about all the time I spend not studying and my last test in chem was barely an A. That’s not going to get me where I want to go. I need a 4.0. I feel I should be focusing more.”

My panic was replaced by other emotions. I felt hurt. He
almost didn’t get an A
? What the hell? “Are you saying I’m keeping you from hitting the books?” My eyebrows rose in question. My throat started to ache. “Just me? It’s my fault?”

“No. But I do spend the majority of my time with you. So, if I’m not as available, I didn’t want you to be mad or upset. I’m not blaming you. It’s my responsibility, and I let myself get sidetracked.” His blue eyes implored me to understand, but I felt embarrassed. My face began to flush. “You know how important getting into Harvard is to me. My father reminded me that out of the 6500 students that apply only 165 are sent offers of acceptance every year. I only have a small chance as it is, and I just can’t screw it up. Also, Aaron needs my help, too. I’d feel like an asshole if I made it and he didn’t.”

At some point, I had retreated from him, sitting back in my chair and crossing my arms over my chest as my defenses had gone up like a solid steel gate. Ryan was now leaning on the table toward me and speaking in soft, coaxing tones.

“Okay,” I said simply. “I’m not sure what you want me to do.” I shrugged. “So, why didn’t you stay in and study last night and let me go on my date?” I was starting to get pissed off. I scowled at him, even though my brain knew he was right. He had to keep his mind on school; but I wasn’t the only one in whatever this was between us. We were both equally guilty of blowing shit off to spend time together.

“I—” he began, but I interrupted.

“You said your dad reminded you. When?”

“Last week.”

I nodded, my chin jutting out. “Okay, so you knew this yesterday. I mean, last night. You
knew
. Why do I feel like you’re blaming me for your ‘almost B’? I blow shit off for you, too.”

His nod turned into a shake of his head. “Yeah, I know. We shouldn’t do that.”

“
Really?
” I mocked incredulously.

Ryan’s mouth pressed into a line. “Look, I’m not sure why you’re mad at me. I’m trying to be honest. I didn’t want you thinking I wasn’t your friend anymore or was blowing you off!” His voice became harder. “I care about you, but I have to be serious here.”

“Then stop asking me to blow off other guys! Especially the day before you tell me you can’t hang out anymore. That’s not fair!” I felt like crying. I blinked to stop my eyes from tearing up and prayed my emotions weren’t all over my face or in my voice. But, I knew I was an open book where Ryan was concerned. He did this to me, but I had to get a grip. He weaseled his way into my life, became the center of every thought I had, and now he didn’t want to see me. Maybe school was just an excuse for something else. Maybe he had a girlfriend who couldn’t handle us being friends. My chest constricted further.

Ryan’s face softened. “You’re right. I shouldn’t do that. It’s selfish.”

“You think?” All I could do was agree. I felt if I opened my mouth, I’d start bawling all over the place. I tried to concentrate on breathing through my nose so a sob wouldn’t break from my chest.

“I’m sorry. It won’t happen again.” It was difficult, but I kept my voice fairly steady.

We both sat there, staring at the other until I had to look away. My throat was aching and any second, the floodgate of tears would open. I had to get out of there. Now. “Okay. I’m gonna go.”

“Julia.” Ryan reached for my hand across the table, and I pulled it away abruptly. If he touched me, I’d lose it. I couldn’t look at him as I shoved my arms in my coat. I didn’t want this to matter so much. Why the fuck did it matter so much? Why did it hurt like someone set my soul on fire? We were friends; most likely, we’d stay friends, just not so up close and personal. It wasn’t like he was breaking up with me. So, why did it feel that way?

“Um, so I’ll just talk to you when I talk to you then.” I dismissed him. “Or, see you in lit?” I hadn’t touched my coffee and it didn’t matter he’d just paid five dollars for it. This was the shortest time we’d ever spent in the coffee shop. Usually, it was at least two hours.

“Jules this doesn’t mean I don’t want to see you at all.”

“I know.” I swallowed and stopped, turning back to look at him, my backpack laden with books weighing me down. “I have to meet up with Ellie.” I shoved my hands in the pockets of my coat. “It’s just the way this has happened. It’s really abrupt and you make me feel like it’s all my fault. Like, I don’t care about your goals or something, and somehow lured you astray. But you know that isn’t true at all.”

“I know. Will you sit back down, just for a minute?”

I glanced around the coffee shop and several people were looking in our direction. Those two girls were eyeing me up and down, and I wanted to punch something. Or scream. “Why?”

“Because. It’s not your fault. It’s mine. And, because I still…” he stammered. “We’re still friends. If I have time for anyone, it’s you, okay?”

I sat back down and met his eyes, salvation nudging me gently at his words. Still, I wouldn’t let him humiliate me. There had to be rules. “Why are you doing this? You were finishing strong, now your flailing around like a wimp. You don’t get to have it both ways. My schedule isn’t hanging open for you just when you have time. I won’t rearrange shit for you, and you can’t ask me to. If it works out, great, but if not, then that’s tough. And you’re going to stop dumping on every guy that’s interested in me.”

It was a good five seconds before he answered, his eyes boring into mine. “That’s fair. But—” He stopped.

“But?”

“Let’s still plan on coffee every Sunday at 4. We’ll meet here every week at the same time to catch up with each other.”

I sucked in my breath, the pain in my chest easing slightly. It was something, and at least, it meant he wasn’t trying to ditch me altogether. I wasn’t sure which one of us was sucked back in.

“Yeah?” he asked, when I didn’t answer right away.

I shrugged; noncommittal. I wanted to see him, but I felt like my heart was broken. It was stupid and I felt like an idiot. “Like I said, if it works out.”

I picked up my cup and left him sitting in the coffee shop with those two women looking him over and inwardly cheering at our falling out.

As I walked out into the cold and began my trek across campus, I tried to tell myself this would be better for me, too. I was already more than half in love with him and I had to get it out of my system. It would be a change not seeing him every day, but I’d deal. I’d deal, and… I’d draw.

~6~
Smoke & Mirrors

I’d fucked myself.

It had been two weeks since I’d seen Julia other than in literature class and she always sat with someone else. As I sat there, my eyes watching the door like I was starving, waiting for her to walk through the one place I was certain to see her, I couldn’t decide if I was more pissed at her or me.

Even if I was a dumbass in my reasoning, didn’t she know me better than that? So what if I’d said that stupid shit two weeks before? She had to know this was harder than hell for me. It was worse not seeing her. I couldn’t focus on school because my mind was always wondering what she was doing. I was moody and snapping at Aaron and Jenna whenever she was over, but she snapped right back, which effectively ruined any chance I had of asking her to tell me what was up with Julia. I felt like an idiot; like my dog just died, or worse, that I’d lost my best friend. Well, it was ridiculous to feel like I’d just chopped off my right fucking arm, when all I had to do was talk to her. Didn’t I? This was our first fight, to speak of. We’d been inseparable, and of course, it would hurt her feelings when I tried to shut it off like a faucet, but I truly believed it was better than being in pain whenever we were in the same room. I still had a gnawing ache, it just moved about two and half feet further north.

I leaned back in my chair, my movement abrupt and jerky enough to draw attention from a girl sitting next to me. She always came in after me, and sat in the conspicuously vacant chair to my right. She was pretty in a hard, angular sort of way. Her hair was almost pitch black, she had pale white skin and lips painted crimson. Besides her over-skinny frame, she had huge gray eyes that looked out of place around her thin, almost pointed nose and overly pronounced cheekbones.

She was talking, but I wasn’t listening. My eyes still searching for Julia’s softer curves and long, flowing dark brown hair, silently hoping she’d make eye contact. When she came through the door with the dude who had now become like a parasite, attached to her at the hip, I tensed. Her eyes met mine briefly. I could see the same sadness I felt before her gaze ricocheted away in a brief instant. She was carrying her coat, lopped over and through the straps of her backpack, and had on a dark green sweater I was particularly fond of over a dark pair of jeans. I couldn’t see her eyes, but I knew the color of the sweater made them even more brilliant. My heart, that sped up at the sight of her, fell at the rebuff.

I opened my notebook, blocking out the babbling of the woman next to me. The professor came in and started to lecture and engage a discussion about
Great Expectations
, but I was too busy watching the way the guy next to Julia was leaning into her and trying to make her laugh.

I felt sick when she smiled at him before directing her attention back to taking notes and listening as the instructor spoke.

“So, Ryan… Julia mentioned she’d talk to you about me. She said you might be interested in going out together?”

My brain registered nothing other than Julia’s name, but it was enough to make my head turn toward the gaunt girl beside me. “Wha—?” I said, distracted. “Hmm?”

“Your friend. She said, well, this is weird because I was hoping she’d introduce us. But Julia said you might like to take me out?”

Anger settled in my chest as well as confusion. It didn’t seem like Julia to set me up with someone, especially given she knew I had recently rearranged my priorities. I frowned and blinked at the girl. “She did?”

“Yeah. Um, I’m in her dorm, and she mentioned it one day in the elevator. I was wondering if you two were a couple, and she set me straight.”

My jaw shot out, and my mouth clamped into a line. My eyes went back to Julia who was glancing over her shoulder, right at me, and this girl whose name I didn’t even know.

“I’m sorry,” I rested my chin on my fist and fell in a half-assed lean over the desk in her direction as I made the pretense of taking notes, my eyes still returning to land on Julia’s back several rows in front and to my left. “What was your name?” I asked quietly then wrote it down when she answered.
Jessica.
“Sorry, Jessica. Maybe she forgot, but she didn’t mention you to me, but then we haven’t been hanging out as much lately.”