Before Ryan Was Mine (The Remembrance Trilogy - Prequel) (25 page)

“
Because
she’s so great is the reason.” Shit! I knew that was the wrong thing to say as soon as the words were out. I didn’t need a light on to sense Darcie’s anger. “Just… I gotta go.”

“You’ve got problems, Ryan!” Darcie spat. “You’re a dick for treating me this way!”

I turned back around on my way out the door, getting pissed myself. “How did I treat you? Other than I didn’t tell you about Julia? We’ve only been out a few times, and you wanted to have sex as much as I did. We both know it. I’m sorry you’re upset, but I didn’t do anything to you.”

I walked out of her room and to the door of her apartment without a backward glance, hoping she’d never call me again.

When I got home, I went into the shower and let the hot water rush over me, soaking my hair. I wanted to get any remnants of sex with Darcie off my body. I soaped down then leaned against the side of the shower stall, my hand falling onto my heart.

Ugh!
I thought. I had to get a grip. It was true I had to help Julia finish painting the table the following day, and despite the orgasm I’d had, I wasn’t ready to sleep. Aaron wasn’t back yet, and I wondered if he would be. Maybe he’d be staying at Jenna’s place.

I rubbed my hair dry and pulled on some old sweats but no shirt. I didn’t bother combing my hair, but I did brush my teeth before going into the living room and grabbing the remote. I threw myself down on the couch at an angle. I began flipping through the channels. I felt off balance, and it fucking sucked.

It was worse since Julia and I had the “friends with bennies” talk last semester. It was as if now it was a real possibility I’d be able to be with her like that.
It could happen
. She wouldn’t have brought it up if she hadn’t thought about it. She must want it to happen, and I wanted it too. Badly. But I wanted her in my life more than I wanted to fuck her. I might even need her in my life. She was the balance and that was why I was feeling so fucked up right now.

“Shake it off,” I said to myself. “Shake it off.”

“Shake what off?” Aaron asked. He’d come in quietly for him and I barely heard the door open.

“I’m not talking to you.”

“Real mature, Ryan.”

“What do you want from me, Aaron? What’s your purpose in this?”

“Nothing. Just trying to keep you from doing something you’ll regret.”

“Too late. You said enough earlier.”

“Ah,” he said knowingly. “Did you see Darcie?”

“Yep,” I answered shortly, not elaborating as I flipped through more of the cable channels.

“Did you screw her?”

“No comment.”

Aaron went to the kitchen and came back with a glass of water. “How’d that make you feel?”

“Fuck off, Aaron. I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Well, you aren’t going to talk to Julia about this, and you need to talk. You’re wound up.”

I sat up and threw the remote on the coffee table. “Okay. Yes, I was with Darcie. And thanks to you, I couldn’t get Julia out of my head!” I threw my hands up as I scowled at my brother.

He laughed and sat down on the chair closer to the TV. I wanted to punch him in his smug face. “Oh, it’s not because of me… it’s because of her, shithead.”

“Look, Aaron, I don’t want to talk about it anymore. It’s between Julia and me. Just stay out of it, got it? It’s none of your business.” I hoped my voice relayed some of my frustration and my need for him just to respect my wishes. “It’s hard enough as it is.”

“Yes, I can see that.”

“But nothing is going to change, and you just make it worse. Let us handle it.”

“Ryan, you and Julia are inevitable. When are you gonna accept it?”

“I have. I know we’re going to be in each other’s lives forever. No matter what I have to do or not do,” I said earnestly. “She might get hurt if we move this beyond friendship and it doesn’t work out. I couldn’t live with myself.”

“You might get hurt, too. Isn’t that what you mean?”

“Maybe, but I don’t matter. Julia does.”

“You’re both hurting already.”

We were. I knew it, but it was a different kind of pain than not having each other. “What? Are you a girl, now? We’re fine. We’ve discussed it. Just stay the fuck out of it. Please.” My throat got tight. This was, maybe, the most honest I’d been about my feelings about Julia. To myself or anyone else, and it hurt. I was sick of repeating myself to my brother and hoped he’d let this be the end of it. “Just let it go.”

Aaron stood up and walked behind the couch. He put a hand on my bare shoulder and squeezed. “Okay. I’m going to bed.”

“Night.”

“Are we working at Julia and Ellie’s tomorrow?”

“I don’t make plans for you, but I am. Before I left, she said she’d make breakfast.”

Aaron stopped halfway down the hall. “What’s she making?”

“Muffins, eggs, and bacon, I think.”

“I’m there, then. Did she like the shirt you bought her at the thrift store?”

“I bought it for painting, Aaron. Obviously, it was a dude’s shirt.”

“I know why you bought it. Did she like it?”

I remembered the way her face lit up when I gave it to her. “Yeah. Yeah, she liked it.”

~10~
A Night out at Stanford

I hated this fucking place! The music pounded in my ears and it was almost packed body-to-body. The sort of uncomfortably packed that was only okay if you were drunk off your ass and you didn’t care if some other dude rubbed up on your date. The club was swanky, bordering on cheesy, but to me, it felt like a throwback to a 1970s disco, circa Saturday Night Fever. Except not as cool, and the sort of mind-numbing rhythm that was just a beat littered with a series of grunts, held little resemblance to actual music.

Normally, I wouldn’t be caught dead here but my date Leah, picked the joint, not me. It was dark, the walls deep burgundy with a dance floor in the back of the large room that was just a continuation of the wood floor. The DJ and twenty or so couples bouncing up and down were the only things that set it apart from the rest of the room. Low couches were lined up around square tables, and they were littered with women and men who were drinking too much and carrying on together. I almost visibly cringed.

Fingers tightened possessively around mine as I led my date through the throng, shouldering my way in between the crowd toward a vacancy on one of the couches near the dance floor. I would have preferred a greater distance from the speakers, but as my eyes adjusted to the dim light, I realized actual seats were hard to come by, and it was so busy, people were lined up against walls and stacked up two and three deep at the bar. The darkness was broken by only a few flashing lights that reflected off the mirrored ball above the dance floor. My brain fought back the urge to turn around and leave, but instead, I motioned for Leah to take a seat.

“I’ll go get drinks. Do you want one?”

She lifted her eyes to mine. She was pretty with delicate bone structure and bouncy blonde curls that barely reached her shoulders. She was also model-thin, and besides wasting twenty bucks on a meal she hadn’t touched, it just wasn’t that attractive.

Her father was a bigwig in the California legislature but, from what I gathered from her dinner conversation, her mother spent all day in the spa and did little else. My father might approve on the surface, but my mother would raise a cynical eyebrow, especially after meeting my best friend. Substance—Julia had loads of it, and most of the women I dated weren’t worthy to stand in her shadow. I’d fucked my chances at ever getting my mother’s approval on anyone else after taking Julia home for Christmas last year. Maybe that was why I didn’t bother.

The woman in front of me looked properly primped and groomed, completely coiffed, even if her bones did poke out more than I preferred. I knew, all too well, that appearances could be deceiving, and while I’d hoped for depth, her personality was a little too narcissistic for my taste. Sure, my friends gave me shit about my looks all the time, and I played into it for fun. Mostly because it made Julia blush and I loved to tease her. I had a hard time admitting it, even to myself, but a part of me puffed up that she found me attractive. It was mutual, and we both knew it, but somehow we managed to push it aside when we were together. As much as I’d tried to deny it and overcome it, I was still suffering a serious pull to her. It was a much-needed balm to let myself believe Julia had to deal with the same bullshit I did.

I’d only known Leah since the semester began a couple weeks earlier, but I’d already gathered she detested being Mommy and Daddy’s perfect little princess and was looking to rebel in a big way. She might look fragile, but the beginning of the evening had shocked the shit out of my expectations. The suggestive expression in her eyes and the way she continually found excuses to touch me left me with little doubt the evening could end up between the sheets if that’s what I wanted. Intuition was telling me to keep my dick in my pants or I’d be sorry. My father had schooled both Aaron and I to be wary of women with little or no ambition.

Her red-tipped fingers wound around my bare forearm, below the rolled up sleeves of my midnight blue button-down—a shirt Julia had given me this past Christmas. Already, it was one of my favorites. She had a blouse in the same shade, and I’d mentioned that I loved the color, but I meant I loved it on
her
. She said it matched my eyes, and my heart hammered a little at the admission. She was amazing. She’d given me the shirt and paid for an online study course for the MCATs. I’d looked into it myself and knew it was more than a couple thousand dollars. I’d been shocked at her generosity, though later I realized she was just being Julia. My parents would have paid for tutors or anything else I needed to prepare, but my original plan was to pay for it myself. I was so moved that Julia had done it. She’d loved the art table I got her, too, but it couldn’t compare with the MCAT course. It was funny. She didn’t buy herself an art table because she’d used all her money to pay for the course and I bought her the art table in lieu of the course, knowing my parents would buy it for me. It still made me smile thinking about it. It was like a modern day Gift of the Magi, and Aaron rubbed my nose in it every chance he got.

Julia and I were still managing to keep our dating lives and our friendship separate. It was tough because I wanted to know everything about her, but the truth was, ignorance was probably bliss and I’d be a stupid ass if I pushed to know more. She was incredible and other guys flocked to her like crazy. I saw it everywhere we went.

Leah’s mouth moved, but I couldn’t hear her over the din or my wandering thoughts.

I leaned down, and her thick perfume wafted around me. It was strong and just like Leah; subtle when you observed it from a distance, but a little too overdone up close.

“What?” My words were just shy of a shout.

“Whatever you’re having is fine.” She echoed the volume of my voice.

I huffed silently and nodded with a fake smile as I turned toward the bar. She couldn’t even decide what she wanted to drink? I was bored, if I was honest, and now I was pretty much guaranteed to end up with a pounding headache before the evening was over. I found myself wishing I’d stayed in and just invited Julia over for pizza and a movie instead.

This past semester we’d perfected our silence pact and now it was an unspoken rule there were some things we just didn’t talk about. While at times it killed me, it meant we could spend more time together. Lately, it had occurred to me we were getting way too close, and our comfortable friendship was beginning to become more. I wanted to hang out with Julia. She was fun, funny, gorgeous, and smart. The harder I tried to keep things on an even keel, the more I noticed her tight little ass or the way she used the tip of her tongue to lick hot chocolate off her full lower lip. It was getting more difficult to be around her and not touch her. The yearning was becoming unbearable. It felt like the natural progression of us, and she excited me more than any plastic Barbie doll-wannabe ever could. But that was just the problem. If it was bad last year, now it was excruciating. It was sort of a blissful torture that I needed like some sort of intoxicating addiction. If I weren’t careful, it would only be a matter of time before I did something stupid.

I inhaled deeply and ran a hand through my hair on my way to the bar. It was in the back, opposite the door. I leaned in to get the bartender’s attention and ordered two bottles of Budweiser.

“Can I get a glass with one of those, please?” I asked loudly.

“Sure.”

As I waited for him to bring the beer, I pulled out my money and unfurled a ten-dollar bill. A cocktail waitress standing next to me was loading up a bunch of lemon drop shots on her tray before she returned to the floor. My mouth quirked as I handed over the money and prepared to take the beers, one of them with a glass resting upside down over the neck.

Of course
, I berated myself silently. The corner of my mouth curled in a sarcastic grin. Another reminder. Lemon drops were Julia’s favorite shot.
Could I not get a fucking break?

I turned around, lifting my beer to my lips at the same time, ready to take a long pull on my way back to the table, when a hard hand on my chest stopped me dead in my tracks, and almost spilling beer down the front of my shirt.