Before the Storm (51 page)

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my car with the box of matches on my lap.
It’s okay to do this,

I told myself.
They’re going to demolish it soon anyway.
I thought

of the old houses the fire department sometimes burned down

to train the firefighters. How was this any different?

I decided I’d better drive over to Daddy Mac’s, though, to

make sure Ben’s van was still in the parking lot. I was stalling,

but I convinced myself I had to make sure as I drove to the restaurant.

Ben’s white van was parked right smack in front of the

entrance. I felt disappointed. I didn’t realize until that second

that I’d wanted the van to be gone to save me from my crazy

plan. But it was still there, and I could see it all playing out in

my imagination. The fire starting. Someone calling the department. Ben reaching for his pager. Ben racing down the street

to the fire station, climbing on the truck. He’d be so excited.

A little scared, but ready to show the other guys that he was

one of them now. That he could be trusted.

It was like a movie in my mind as I drove toward the church.

I decided to park over by Jabeen’s, which closed at six. That

way, I could walk to the church, set the fire, and run down the

block in the dark with nobody noticing me.

I got out of my car and tossed the bag with the containers

and f lip-f lops into the Dumpster behind Jabeen’s. Then I

realized if anyone found the containers, they’d also have my

flip-flops, so I reached into the Dumpster, got the bag and just

tossed the containers back in. My flip-flops I threw in the trash

can out front along with the wadded-up bag.

I started walking to the church, but I suddenly saw a ton of

kids around the youth building, which was completely dark.

What was going on? I stuck the box of matches in my jacket

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pocket and headed toward the youth building. The kids were

starting to walk in my direction and I was totally flustered. I

found Andy and pulled him aside.

“What’s going on?” I asked.

“The lights went out,” he said. “We’re going to the church

instead.”

I couldn’t believe my relief! I felt it from the top of my head

to my toes. I didn’t have to do it! Now I
couldn’t
do it, even if

I wanted to. It was like some crazy girl had planned the whole

thing and expected me to pull it off for her. I was free!

I ran back to my car and started driving toward Amber’s,

but I suddenly felt sick to my stomach. I pulled into the

driveway of a deserted house, opened my car door, and threw

up in the sand.

Then I knew where I wanted to go. It was Daddy I needed,

not Amber.

I headed for The Sea Tender.

I COULD BARELY BREATHE FOR THE TEARS. AS Maggie spoke,

I wanted to leave so she wouldn’t see me fall apart. At the same

time, I wanted to gather her in my arms and tell her everything

would be all right. I chose to stay because the thought that ran

through my mind as she told her story was,
Where was this girl’s

mother?

How had I missed all the signs? How could I not have known

that she was sneaking out of the house in the middle of the

night? That she rarely was where she told me she would be?

That she was not only in harm’s way, but capable of
doing

harm? Where had I
been?

I knew the answer, of course: I was with Andy. Letting

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Maggie fend for herself, as I had since her birth. I wiped my

cheeks with my hand.

“Are you saying you felt like two different people?” Marcus

asked Maggie, when she seemed to be finished speaking. “The

crazy girl and you?”

“You mean like a split personality?” Maggie crossed her

arms, tucking her hands beneath them as if they were cold.

“No,” she said. “It was all me.”

Flip, Marcus and I exchanged looks. I knew what we were

all thinking, and Flip finally put it into words. “But you ultimately
did
light the fire, Maggie, correct?” he asked.

“No!”
Maggie started to shake her head, then seemed to

remember the wound on her neck. “That’s what I’m trying to

explain,” she said, touching the bandage. “When I realized the

kids were going to be there, I just forgot about it. I would never

set fire to a building with people in it!”

Flip didn’t believe her. His expression didn’t change, but the

flat look in his eyes betrayed him.

I reached for Maggie’s hand, prying it from beneath her

arm. Her hand
was
cold and I held it between both of mine to

warm it. I remembered how Maggie had held my hand as we

rode together to the hospital after the fire. How she didn’t

want to let go of me. And I remembered her shock—her

genuine
shock—when I called to tell her the church was on fire.

“So, after you spoke with Andy, you drove directly to The

Sea Tender?” Flip asked.

“Yes. And I called Mom to tell her the lock-in was moved

to the church.”

Flip looked at me.

“She did,”I said.“But you were at Amber’s then,weren’t you?”

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“You thought I was, but I wasn’t.”

“Do you recall hearing anything in the background when

Maggie called?” Flip asked me.

“No.” I’d been working on a speech for a meeting with a

teachers’ organization and remembered little of the call other

than that the lock-in had been moved. That had worried me—

that the change might be confusing for Andy.

“What did you do at The Sea Tender?” Marcus asked Maggie.

“I…” Maggie looked toward the end of the bed, where the

covers bulged a little over a bandaged toe—her only other real

injury. With her free hand, she brushed a nonexistent lock of

hair from her forehead. I had the feeling she was stalling. “I sat

on the deck for a while,” she said.“I was…I felt like I’d dodged

a bullet or something.”

“Did anyone see you there?”

“It was…you know. Still March. No one was in the houses.”

Flip shifted in his chair, folding his arms across his chest.“So

how
did
the fire start?” he asked.

“I don’t know.” Tears filled her eyes. “Honest, I don’t. All I

know is that I didn’t start it. And neither did Andy.”

“Let’s take a break,” Marcus said, and I was relieved. Maggie

had been stoic and brave throughout the past hour. Now,

though, she was beginning to crumble. I wasn’t doing too

well, myself.

Flip clicked off the tape recorder and stood up.“Good idea,”

he said. “I could use a cup of coffee.”

“I’ll join you.” Marcus got to his feet as well. “You all right,

Maggie?” he asked.

She gave a little nod, not looking at him. Not looking at any

of us.

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“Coming with us, Laurel?” Marcus asked. I supposed he and

Flip wanted me to join them so we could discuss all we’d

heard, but I wasn’t leaving.

I shook my head, still holding Maggie’s hand. “I’ll stay

here,” I said.

Once the men left the room, Maggie began crying for real.

“I’m sorry, Mom!” she said, gripping my hand.“I’m so sorry

for everything.”

“Shh,” I said. “I know.”

“I’m so relieved, though!” she said. “I’m so…I should have

told the truth as soon as people started thinking Andy did it.”

Yes, she should have. But she didn’t. “You’ve told us now,”

I said. “That’s the important thing.”

“There’s more,” she said.“I mean, not so big. It’s big, but not

like that. Like the fire. And it’ll only matter to you. It’s about

The Sea Tender.”

“I know you’ve been meeting Ben there.”

She shook her head. “Not just that,” she said. “I’ve been

going there ever since I got my driver’s license. My permit,

actually. Alone, I mean. Not with…a boy or anything.”

“Why?”
I asked. I remembered Dawn telling me she smoked

marijuana. Did she go there to do drugs?

“You’re going to think I’m crazy. Or crazier than you already

think I am.”

“I don’t think you’re crazy.”

“I felt close to Daddy there. Sometimes I’d sit on the deck

at night and I’d close my eyes and suddenly feel like he was

there. His spirit or something.”

I felt a chill. I could almost feel Jamie in the room with us.

“Do you think I’m deranged?”

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“If you are, insanity must run in the family, because I’ve

dreamed he’s…visited me at night sometimes, too.”

Her pretty brown eyes opened wide.“Honest? Do you really

think it’s him?”

“I have no idea, Maggie. I just think he left a mark on both

of us—in different ways, of course—and we must both have

a need to stay attached to him.”

She suddenly stopped crying, looking right at me. “I’m

sorry about how I laid that whole Daddy and Sara thing on you.

That was so mean.”

“It hurt, finding that out,” I acknowledged. That pain already

seemed weeks old instead of hours, usurped by a more immediate heartache. “It helps me understand how you must be

feeling about Ben right now, though.”

She turned her head toward the window. In her eyes, I saw

the rectangular reflection of sunlight.

“If he cared about me, he’d be here with me,” she said. “At

the hospital. Wouldn’t he?”

I thought that even if Ben
did
care about her, he was wise

to stay away from Marcus and me right now.

“I think he would be,” I said.

“Do you think Ben was really…you know,
with
Dawn the

same time he was with me?”

“Yes, sweetie, I do.” I remembered Dawn at her house the

night before, wrapping her satiny little robe over those long

legs as she swept into the living room.
Who’s here, Benny?

“I trusted him totally. I loved him so much. I still do.”

“I know it hurts.”

She turned back to me. “Aren’t you totally
furious
with

Sara?”

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I sighed. I
was
furious. That was something I’d have to deal

with on my own, though. “It was so long ago, Maggie,” I said.

“And there are things I did that I regret from long ago, too.”

“Drinking.”

“That’s for sure. Other things, as well. I guess most people

do things when they’re young that they come to regret. Sara

and I have been friends for so long. I hope we can find a way

to put it behind us.” I thought of Keith’s injuries. How could

Sara ever forgive my daughter? In her place, I wasn’t sure I

could.

“Mom, I just hurt so much!” she said. “I want to erase everything. The fire. Ben. Everything!”

“I’d love it if you could wipe all of that from your memory,”

I said. “But you know what your father said to me one time?”

“What?”

“You know that my parents died when I was little, and then

my aunt and uncle cut me out of their lives, right?”

“Yeah.”

“I tried, especially with my parents, not to think about

them. To just keep going on with my life. Moving forward.

Never looking back. And when I told your daddy that, he said

that if you don’t think about your losses, they’d come back to

bite you.”

“Bite you?” Maggie smiled. “That’s his exact words?”

“Yes, because I’ve never forgotten them, even if I haven’t

always followed his advice. He meant that sometimes you just

have to go through the pain.”

“So did you try to think about them?” she asked. “Your

parents?”

“Not until I was in rehab. I cried buckets about them then.

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But the thing I learned was that you don’t just get over one

loss and then you’re home free. Life keeps tossing them at you,

and you have to learn how to handle them. How to keep going.

Ben won’t be your last heartbreak, honey. But there’ll be wonderful experiences to make up for the hard times.”

My own eyes teared up at the thought of the hard times

ahead of her. She read my mind.

“Will Andy still have a hearing?”

“I don’t know how that works, but he won’t be going to jail.”

“But I will be, won’t I.” It was a statement, not a question.

“I’m going to find an excellent lawyer for you. And I’ll be

by your side the whole time, Maggie. I will.” I’d been so strong

for her brother for fifteen years. I wanted to be strong for her,

now. Finally. “I’m sorry for not being a better mother for you.

You were so independent and Andy so dependent, that I sometimes forgot you needed me as much as he did.”

“I didn’t, though,” she said. “But I think I really do need you

now.” She licked her lips and looked squarely into my eyes. “I

know it looks like I set the fire, Mom,” she said. “I could tell

Flip totally didn’t believe me.”

“No, I don’t think he does. But I believe you.”

“You do?”

I smiled. “Absolutely, sweetheart.”

There was so much I didn’t know about my daughter. At

this point, I barely felt certain she wouldn’t burn a church with

children inside. But one thing I did know with absolute certainty: she would never burn a church with
Andy
in it.