Before the Storm (44 page)

need to protect my daughter. All my protectiveness had gone

toward Andy; I’d had none left over for her. Quickly replacing that need, though, was rage. How dare he!

“Does it matter who started it?” Dawn asked. “Lord have

mercy, Laurel! My boyfriend’s banging your teenaged daughter. Not only that, but she smokes dope with him.”

“I don’t believe that.” Maggie knew—I’d made sure both my

kids knew—that substance abuse was
out
in our family. I had

zero tolerance for it.

“Then you’re hiding your head in the sand.”

“I’ve got to get off the phone, Dawn. Sorry.” My hands shook

as I clicked off that call and then speed-dialed Maggie’s cell

phone.

“Did you have any luck?” she asked when she picked up.

“That’s not why I’m calling.” I ran my free hand around my

steering wheel. “I just had a call from Dawn.”

Maggie’s silence told me all I needed to know.

“Oh, Maggie.” Disappointment welled up in my chest. “It’s

true?”

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“Mom, let me explain. It probably didn’t come out sounding

too good from Dawn.”

“No, it sure didn’t.You’ve been lying to me all year.‘Oh, I

don’t want to date, Mom. I want to concentrate on studying,

Mom.’ How could you lie to my face like that?”

“Because if I told you the truth, you wouldn’t let me see

him.”

“Damn straight I wouldn’t! He’s twenty-eight and living

with his girlfriend.”

“She’s not his girlfriend. And why does his age matter?”

“Because there’s a huge difference between seventeen and

twenty-eight.”

“You always say how mature I am, so I don’t get what’s so

shocking and terrible. I love him. He’s the best thing that ever

happened to me.”

“You’re smarter than that,” I said. “Don’t you realize he’s

taking advantage of you? He’s living with Dawn and has you

on the side. Where’s the future in that?”

“He and Dawn are just housemates.”

“She seems to think they’re more than housemates.”

“Well, she’s wrong!”

“Everyone knows they’re a couple, for heaven’s sake.”

“He doesn’t love her. She’s just our cover.”

“Maggie!” I was shocked. “How dare you! If that’s

true…how can you use someone like that?”

“They are
not
a couple!”

“Maggie—”

“I’m not going to let you ruin this for me!”

“Ruin
what?
Do you think he’s going to leave Dawn for

you?”

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389

“How many times do I have to tell you, he’s not
with
Dawn!”

“What kind of future do you expect to have with him?”

“A
long
one!” she yelled.

“I wouldn’t count on it. If he’s cheating on Dawn, he’ll

cheat on you, too.”

“You’re not
listening
to me! If Dawn thinks he’s her boyfriend, she’s living in a fantasy world.”

“I’m afraid you’re the one living in a fantasy world, Maggie.

She said he wants to end it with you.”

“She’s so full of it! I’m hanging up.”

“Don’t you dare.”

“We can talk about it later.”

“No, now!” I said. “We can talk about it
now,
because I want

you to call him up and tell him it’s over.”

She laughed. “All of a sudden you want to be involved in

my life after ignoring me for seventeen years?”

“Maggie!” One of my heartstrings broke.
She’s upset,
I told

myself.
She’s just trying to hurt you.
“Never mind,” I said. “I’ll

call him myself.”

“No!”

“He’s probably had any number of lovers,” I thought out

loud. “Do you realize that? He could have a venereal disease,

for all you know.You could get pregnant.”

“Mother, give me some credit. I’m not stupid.”

“Yes, that’s
exactly
what you are!” The rain was so loud that

I had to plug my free ear with my finger. “You’re being

incredibly stupid. How could you trust a man who’d have a

secret affair with a girl half his age?”

“Because I’m not like
you!
” Maggie snapped. “I
trust
people.

You don’t trust anyone.You don’t even trust Uncle Marcus.

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You’re going to end up alone forever and I don’t want that to

happen to me.”

“I do so trust people,” I said, grabbing her bait. “I trusted

your father completely.”

“Well, guess what, Mom. Turns out that was pretty stupid

of
you.
”

“Maggie! Why would you say that?”

“Because he was cheating on you, that’s why.”

“That’s ridiculous,” I said.“Don’t try to turn this into something about me,” I said.

“It
is
about you,” she said.“You think Ben’s so untrustworthy

and you talk about Daddy like he was a saint. Well, guess

what? He wasn’t. He was in love with Sara.”

“Sara?”
Where in God’s name was this coming from? “Sara

helped him a lot when you were little.Is that what you’re remembering?”

“Keith is Daddy’s son!”

I nearly laughed, it was so ludicrous. “Maggie, where are

you? You’re scaring me.” I’d never heard her sound so vicious

and desperate before. “I’m going to ask Marcus to come stay

with you.”

“Mother! It’s Uncle Marcus who told me everything. Daddy

confessed it all to him when they were on that boat the day he

drowned. He was going to leave you for Sara and Keith.”

My mind spun as her words sank in.
Impossible.
“Even if this

is the truth, why would Marcus tell you?”

“Because Keith knows and Keith told me.”

“What?”

“Uncle Marcus never wanted you to know. You play ice

queen with him because you think he had something to do with

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Daddy’s death, but all this time he’s just been trying to keep

you from finding out. He set up a college fund for Keith after

Daddy died and Keith found the papers or something, so now

he knows the truth. Uncle Marcus was going to wait until after

the hearing to tell you.”

My car closed in on me, the rain sheeting down my windows

like a second layer of glass. I felt the blade of a knife slip into

my heart, then twist.

Maggie was crying.

“I’m sorry, Mom,” she said.“I didn’t mean it to come out that

way. I know this is a bad time, but you pushed me about Ben.

Please, please, just accept that he and I are together. Dawn’s

jealous, that’s all. It’s not like he’s cheating on her. He told her

he just wanted to be friends a long time ago. She’s angry that—”

“Maggie—” I wasn’t really listening to her “—I’m on my

way home. It’s been a terrible day.”

“Why? What did the neurologist say?”

“We can talk about it in a few hours when I get home. It’s

raining here and the wind’s blowing and I want to miss the

worst part of the storm if I can.” I sounded remarkably calm

to myself even though the knife was turning and twisting and

cutting me deeper.

“Mom, just tell me you understand,” she pleaded. “That

you believe Ben and I are together for the right reasons. I love

him.”

“We’ll talk when I get home,” I said. “And don’t forget to

pick Andy up from swim practice.”

“Have I ever once forgotten him?” Maggie snapped, and

then the line went dead.

I flipped the phone closed, pressing my forehead to the

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steering wheel. Jamie had always been mine, I thought. Solid

and supportive and loving. We had a few good years after I got

sober. All those
I love you
’s
.
Tender moments with the children.

With each other. They were excellent years, weren’t they? Had

they been my imagination? Were those
I love you
’s meant for

Sara, not me?

Sara?

Why
wouldn’t
Jamie have fallen for Sara? She was pretty,

sweet and his helpmate. Her husband had been frequently

absent and emotionally distant even when he was around,

while for years I’d been drunk, slovenly and very, very hard to

love.

And Marcus. Had he really been keeping the truth from me

all these years, while I froze him out? I wanted to call him, to

separate what was true from my angry daughter’s manipulation of things he’d told her. But I needed to get home and I

couldn’t possibly drive in the pouring rain and talk on the

phone at the same time. Not today. Not about this.

I turned the key in the ignition and pulled back onto I-40.

ANDY RAN TOWARD ME THROUGH THE RAIN as I got out of

my car in front of the rec center.

“I’m getting good at butterf lying!” he shouted to me in

greeting.

“Good, Andy,” I said, opening my umbrella.“Wait in the car,

okay? I need to talk to Ben. I’ll just be a minute.”

I ran into the building and downstairs to the pool. Ben was

talking to the parents of one of his team members. He demonstrated a stroke, his arm arcing through the air. He was so

amazing.
Oh, God, please don’t let this be the end.
I sat down on

the lowest bench of the bleachers to wait for him. He spotted

me and excused himself from the parents.

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“Dawn told my mother,” I said when he was close enough

to hear me.

“Damn.” He sat next to me. “I’m sorry. I was afraid she

would.Your mother had a fit, I bet.”

“Yes, but there’s so much else going on,” I said. I’d tried to

call Uncle Marcus to tell him I’d blown it with Mom, but he

hadn’t picked up. I thought of texting him, but he was totally

lame at text messages. Besides, I was afraid to tell him what

I’d done. I’d been so mean to my mother. Part of me felt guilty

about it, but another part loved every second of hurting her.

I’d had the empathy of a rattlesnake. “You won’t believe it all.”

I looked up to see another mother walking toward us. “I have

to talk to you. Can you call me later?”

He stood up, turning his back to the woman who waited a

few feet away. “I’ll try,” he said.

“Ben…” I got to my feet. “My mother said that Dawn told

her you want to break up with me.”

He shook his head. “You know Dawn,” he said. “She’s just

trying to make trouble for us. We’ll talk later, okay?”

Outside, a gust of wind nearly blew me off my feet. I put

up my umbrella, hanging on to it while the wind tried to tear

it out of my hands. I was soaked by the time I got to the car.

“You look like you fell in the pool,” Andy said.

“I feel like it, too.” I shivered as I turned the key.

“Did you bring my iPod?”

“I forgot it. Sorry.”

“The thing with the butterfly is you have to get the breathing right,” he said, as I pulled into the street.

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“Just like everything else in swimming.” I knew I sounded

snippy, but he didn’t seem to notice.

“I want to be the champion.”

“Andy, you don’t need to be the best at everything all the

time.”

“Yes, I do.”

“Why?”

“So I’ll be happy.”

I had to laugh. “Your life is pretty simple isn’t it?” I asked.

“Yes.”

Did he know about the hearing tomorrow? He sure didn’t

sound worried about it. “It’s good that you try hard,” I said,

“but part of growing up is learning how to lose gracefully.”

“What does that mean?”

“You know when Ben tells you to congratulate the winner

on the other team?” I liked hearing myself say Ben’s name.

“I hate that.”

“That’s losing gracefully.”

“It’s still better to win, though, right?”

“I guess so.” I sighed. I couldn’t focus on the conversation any

longer. “I’m in charge of dinner tonight because Mom won’t be

home till later.” Oh, I dreaded seeing her! “What do you feel like

eating?”

“Pizza!”

“I think there’s one in the freezer. I’ll make it while you

get changed.”

I was sliding the pizza into the oven when the phone rang. I

checked the caller ID. Uncle Marcus. He was going to kill me.

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“Hey, Maggie,” he said when I answered. “Is your mom

home yet?”

“No, and I blew it,” I said. “She called and I got mad at her

about something and I told her.” I bit my lip, waiting for his

reaction.

“
Why,
Maggie?” He sounded more shocked than angry.

“She was giving me grief, and then she said how Daddy was

the only trustworthy man she ever knew or something like that

and it just came out. I know I shouldn’t have. I couldn’t help

myself.”

He was quiet, and I scrunched up my face, waiting for him

to yell at me.

“Do you know how she made out with the neurologist?” he

asked finally. “She left me a message, but I think her phone’s

off.”

“I don’t know. She said it was a terrible day.”

“Damn.”

“It’ll be okay, though, won’t it? Tomorrow, I mean?”

“Not if Andy’s bound over to adult court, it won’t be.”

“But—” I was confused “—Mom said that probably

wouldn’t happen.”

“She said that
today?
”

I tried to remember my phone conversation with her. “No.

She told me the day Andy came home from jail. I was going