Before Time (The Time Trilogy Book 1) (10 page)

ME:
Of course. But here on IRC, someone is telling people that he knows all this from real life.

Impassioned:
Shit. Did you have sex with someone from mIRC?

ME:
Nopes, never ever!

Impassioned:
How does Sunny know?

ME:
He is a friend of this guy.

Impassioned:
How does Sunny know you are that same girl? There must be some source.

ME:
I used to use this nick years back. He’s been after me, asking people about me, and finally he found something.

Impassioned:
What does he want from you?

ME:
He asked me to be his girlfriend, which I rejected. And well, he angered me, so I abused him.

Impassioned:
Did he blackmail you?

ME:
No!

Impassioned:
Do you think he can make you weak enough to have sex with him?

ME:
No! Never.

Impassioned:
Good! Remember one thing, you can never make it physically obvious that you are not a virgin.

ME:
I am not that weak, a few sentences by someone who is now my enemy can’t ruin me.

Impassioned:
Only have sex when it is extremely required, because as you refrain from sex, it will keep you in better shape.

ME:
I haven’t had it in six or seven months, and I don’t intend to.

Impassioned:
At least find a lover who can satisfy you with secrecy.

ME:
I don’t want a sexual lover.

Impassioned:
If you are seeking love, then my dear, I don’t want to disappoint you, as you know very well.

Sex is about satisfaction and that’s it, but then, there is no point of being physically used if you don’t feel anything.

ME:
I don’t believe in love.

Impassioned:
Do you believe in satisfaction in return of satisfaction?

ME:
Umm…I didn’t get that.

Impassioned:
It means feelings in exchange of feelings, and satisfaction in return of satisfaction is sex. You have to believe in one of these.

ME:
I can’t, because I neither believe in love nor satisfaction.

I started to believe he had a sore corner in his heart where he had poison for the fairer sex. I could sense it. Although I was a hopeless dreamer who failed to understand what real love was, I still wanted the sincere, unrequited love that seemed to exist only in stories.

Impassioned:
Now, this is something that I’m listening to for the first time.

ME:
Why?

Impassioned:
Tell me something here. Why did you have sex the last time if you didn’t want satisfaction? And why will you have it the next time if you don’t want satisfaction?

ME:
You know what; I just don’t want to think about this anymore.

Impassioned:
You have to understand this, babes, because you are misusing yourself.

ME:
Come on, try to understand. I really don’t want to understand.

Impassioned:
Listen to me. We don’t live in a society where these things are acceptable. Although living in your own world is fine; I sometimes live in my own world too, there is a real world out there as well, and it’s waiting for us.

ME:
I don’t want that world, and when I’m tired of my world, I’ll commit suicide.

Impassioned:
I wish I had you in front of me when you said this, because written words really have no weight.

ME:
Why?

Impassioned:
Because there was a time when I used the same words for myself.

ME:
What changed you?

Impassioned:
I realized that what deeds that I have done in this life aren’t good enough to take me to heaven yet. If this life has been hell, then I certainly don’t want to spend my afterlife in hell as well. You have to live, babes; we all do.

ME:
I really don’t want to as this world is full of liars. Sometimes, I feel so desperate that I want to put my head on someone’s shoulder and just cry.

Impassioned:
Most of the people who give you their shoulder to cry on at that particular moment would be the same people who would likely use the same weakness of yours and take advantage at some point in life. Do you feel satisfaction in spoiling yourself for the actual pleasure of sex?

ME:
I have never shared any of this with anyone, and what you say tries to weaken my resolve.

Impassioned:
I am nobody, just a weak human being who poses as a wall to the world. Really, I am no stronger than the autumn leaf that is about to fall from the tree. I’m a worthless nobody.

ME:
I don’t think so.

Impassioned:
Don’t torture yourself, as I have been there and done that. Life stops at nothing except death.

ME:
I know.

Impassioned:
You will be precious to someone out there. Don’t try to torture yourself by letting someone enter you for a few minutes.

ME:
That is all theoretical, as there is no someone out there and I don’t ever intend to marry.

Impassioned:
I won’t argue on that, but let me just give you an example.

ME:
Sure.

Impassioned:
Suppose there is a person who offers his proposal to a girl. He is a complete stranger and you know nothing about his life, just that he is average-looking. Perhaps he might not be in love with you, but his purpose in marrying you is that he just wants to get married. That average-looking person is a hundred times more respectable than the handsome lovers who expressed their fake love or even true love to you, but couldn’t actually complete your relationship. The person who is marrying at least has the courage to accept you in front of the whole world and take you in marriage, unlike the others, who couldn’t stand with you at any point in life.

ME:
I know.

Impassioned:
What happened in your past wasn’t your fault. But why are you taking the right of that person who might come in your life?

ME:
Nobody is coming in my life.

Impassioned:
For what reason?

ME:
I want to be alone. I want to spare myself the hurt that everyone inflicts on me.

Impassioned:
Do you really mean what you’re saying?

ME:
Yes.

Impassioned:
Then why are you applying to universities? Why did you adopt a social internet life? Why do you go out with friends when you can lock yourself inside and never come out? Is it because you at least have to live?

ME:
Of course, I have to spend my days somehow
.

Impassioned:
It might sound like a novel idea, but sometimes we have to live, even with a fake smile. At least live fully before you die. That doesn’t mean have sex frequently.

Impassioned:
Cheer up! And yes, no more drinking, that’s even worse than sex.

ME:
Alright! I’ll try to, and yes, no more drinking.

Impassioned:
Listen, there are people who have more burdens in their heart, yet they live, because dying is not that easy.

ME:
But…

Impassioned:
What is it that’s not coming to your fingertips?

ME:
I don’t have any valid arguments left.

Impassioned:
Everyone has weaknesses, my friend; some show, while some don’t. Those people, who don’t suffer internally live with heavy hearts, but they are better than those people who show pain as they suffer betrayal from their friends. Therefore, never make friends. Anyhow, you know the standard of friendship these days; friends are only those people who go out shopping with you or McDonalds, that’s it.

ME:
I know.

Impassioned:
One more thing: leave it to your fate or your parents to bring someone in your life. At least, don’t block their way.

ME:
I don’t want that someone.

Impassioned:
I know, but your parents and this society do want that, which you cannot leave unattended.

ME:
Why?

Impassioned:
Parents gave you birth, even if they didn’t give you anything after that and society gave you identity. Therefore, you can’t live without being born or without an identity.

ME:
I agree.

Impassioned:
I once knew a girl who had a very selective way of having sex. She always let her lover have sex with her, but never let him kiss her lips or any foreplay whatsoever. I asked her about her motive behind that. She told me that they deserved to have sex with her but they didn’t deserve to love her. They could have their satisfaction and she could have hers. So, next time, do the same thing.

ME:
I don’t think there is going to be a next time at all.

Impassioned:
I never said that you shouldn’t. I just told you a dignified way to have sex.

ME:
I don’t want it.

Impassioned:
I kind of like that idea.

ME:
Aha!

Impassioned:
By the way, you never said anything, and this conversation never happened.

ME:
Of course!

He didn’t talk again for a few minutes. Maybe he was tired of typing, or perhaps, busy with some work in his office.

ME:
Busy?

Impassioned:
This conversation has actually freshened some of my wounds and I was just thinking about life.