Before We Fall (19 page)

Your heart is cold, cold as ice, but it’s mine to take.

I’ll take it and crush it because that’s what I do,

And you’ll ask for more, because that’s you.

Something about the way the dark words move her tightens my chest. It’s like she understands what he’s saying because she’s been there. Only unlike the rest of us, she came out of it unscathed, still innocent… and to be honest, I envy her that.

As we arrive at the track and get out of the car, I mention the song to her.

“I’ve asked Sin a few times what this fucking song means. He always just shakes his head and tells me that if I don’t get it, I’ll never get it. He sees himself as a complex artist and music is his canvas.”

I meant it as a joking dig at my brother, but Jacey looks up at me in surprise.

“You don’t get that song? It’s easy, Dom. It’s about a coldhearted guy who uses people for what he wants—women, usually. He can’t feel anything. I guess I just thought Sin wrote the song about you.”

I stop in my tracks, staring at her. I can’t help it. “Do you think I’m coldhearted?”

I don’t know why I care, but I don’t like the thought.

But Jacey is already shaking her head. “No, I don’t. But I think you do. And I think that every day, you try to live up to your own idea of yourself. You’re not giving yourself enough credit and you sell yourself short on a daily basis.”

I feel my eyes widen and then I get a hold of myself, shaking my head and hiding my thoughts. “Whatever, Dr. Vincent. Maybe you should be a psychiatrist instead of a waitress.”

“Maybe I will.” She sniffs. “I’m pretty good at reading people. But whatever.” She turns around. “What do we do now? I’ve never been here before.”

“You’ve never been to the Autobahn?” Before my words are even out, Jacey is snorting.

“Dominic, my old car couldn’t even make it to work, let alone around a fancy country club racetrack.”

“Good point,” I mutter. “Thank god you have a new one now. We have to start out by signing in and grabbing a helmet and a tracksuit. Then they’ll look at my car really quick for an inspection and we’ll hit the track. There won’t be anyone else here because I’ve arranged for them to stay open late for us.”

Jacey nods and we set off for the clubhouse. Within fifteen minutes, we’re suited up and buckled in, waiting for a green flag.

“You do this a lot?” Jacey asks, her voice muffled a bit by her helmet.

I nod. “Whenever I’m in town. It’s a good stress reliever. To just come out here and open up the throttle? I can feel the stress melting away already.”

The green flag drops and I floor it.

My engine roars as I double-clutch shift, my foot vibrating with the power beneath it. Jacey is gripping her door, her eyes gleaming with excitement.

“How fast can we go?” she shouts.

“How fast do you want to go?” I answer, shifting into third.

We take off like a shot, weaving in and out of the curves of the road, hugging the asphalt like a second skin. Jacey laughs, her head thrown back against her headrest because of the speed.

“Faster,” she urges.

I oblige. There’s basically no one else out here, so we’ve got the track to ourselves. That makes it easier to open it up and just go.

Jacey is utterly unfazed by the speed, by the danger that speed represents… and honestly, that pleases the hell out of me. I don’t even know why. I just like that she’s so able to toss her cares away, enjoy the freedom speed brings… and trust me not to lose control.

It’s at least one area where her trust is not displaced. I very, very rarely lose control. Of anything.

She looks over at me, laughing. “I want to drive. Can I?”

I don’t give a moment’s thought to the fact that this car costs more than Jacey probably makes in several years as a waitress. I don’t even think about the fact that she’s never driven something so powerful. All I can think about is the fact that she wants to.

I pull over on the next straightaway. “You don’t have enough experience to take a curve, but you can drive this straightaway. You can totally open it up, if you want to. Just start to brake by that yellow sign, okay?”

She nods, we switch seats, and the tires are squealing almost before my seatbelt clicks.

I grin as we fly down the straightaway, because the girl has no fear.

Jacey shifts gears flawlessly, moving fluidly from one gear to the next like she’s been driving this way her whole life. As we pass the yellow sign, her speed flashes.

“One eighty!” she crows as we start to slow down.

We stop and she takes her helmet off, then tugs at mine.

She leans over and kisses me hard, the exhilaration of speed turning her on. I kiss her back, hard, because I know how that feels. I feel that way every single time I get behind the wheel here. When she finally pulls away, her eyes are shining.

“That was fucking awesome,” she announces. “Now I see what you love about it. Let’s do it again.”

I chuckle, but open my door. “We can’t. The club will be closing soon and we need to head back to the front. I’d better drive now, Andretti.” Jacey grumbles, but gives in.

As we drive back toward the club entrance, I glance over at her.

“So… about you and Brand.”

Jacey stares at me, her face closing up cautiously. “What about us?”

I steer around a curve fluidly before I continue. “You say that he’s like your brother. But it’s clear to anyone who watches you that he doesn’t feel the same. Not anymore. He probably did once upon a time, but you’ve grown up. And he’s fallen in love with you.”

Jacey swallows, then stares at the floor. And it’s completely evident that she knows.

“You knew,” I say simply, and ice floods my heart. I’d been holding out hope that she wasn’t coldhearted. “You knew and you’ve been using him, anyway.”

Her gaze snaps back up to mine, and her eyes are gleaming.

“No. It’s not like that. I haven’t wanted to believe that it’s true. But lately, I haven’t been able to ignore it. I know you’re right. But I don’t know what to do about it. I love him like my brother. He’s always been there for me, and I don’t want anything to change. And I don’t use him.”

Relief washes over me, but I try to ignore it.

“So you don’t feel the same way about him?” I ask carefully as I pull the car in front of the clubhouse.

Jacey sighs, staring into the night sky. “I wish I did. It would make things a lot easier. Brand would never hurt me. Not ever. He’d rather die. And that’s the kind of person that I need. Sometimes I feel like I should just be with him, that maybe I could grow into loving him like that. He’s definitely someone worthy of that kind of love. But then again, because he’s so worthy, he deserves more than I can give him.”

“I know that feeling,” I admit, and I’m startled when I say the words. Jacey stares at me, and her voice is hesitant.

“What does that mean?”

“It means that I find myself liking you… more and more each day. I don’t want to, because I know what happens when you open yourself up to someone. You get hurt. Or you hurt them. The world is full of people hurting each other, Jacey. And I don’t want to do that. Not anymore.”

I don’t know why I brought our conversation to this dark and serious place. What happened to acting casual and normal? But truthfully, deep down, I think I just can’t stand the inevitability of it all.

I can’t stand pretending that everything is fine when I know that one day, very soon, everything is going to implode.

Right now, even I can hear the emptiness in my voice, and Jacey hears it too.

She stares at me. “Who hurt you, Dom?” she asks gently. “Was it Emma?”

Like always, her name forms a vise around my heart. I close my eyes, refusing to answer.

“I know Emma hurt you,” Jacey continues, refusing to back down. “I don’t know how. But I know she did. You’ve got to open up about it, Dominic. If you don’t, it will eat at you forever.”

I open my eyes and stare at her bleakly. “It will eat at me forever anyway.”

“So you’re just going to keep closed off to be safe, then?” Jacey asks, and she sounds sad and distant. “I know that whatever happened with Emma has defined who you are, from your sex life to your career. It’s why you keep to yourself, why you’re so distant. You want to protect yourself by never opening yourself up again. You shouldn’t do that, Dom. It’s not healthy. I know from experience. Do you want to know how I know?”

She stares at me, waiting, so I finally nod.

“Today’s my birthday, and neither of my parents bothered to call me. No card, no call, no gift, not even a ‘Hey, we brought you into the world on this day twenty-four years ago, so have a good day.’ They didn’t contact me at all. That’s why Gabe came here… because he knew they wouldn’t. And just like always, he wanted to protect me from that. But he can’t. Because even though he came and it was awesome, it doesn’t take away the fact that they didn’t even call. But even though they’re horrible parents and they hurt me all the time, I know that I can’t close myself off. That would only end up hurting
me
, Dom.”

I feel bad for her, because honestly, I can’t imagine what it must be like to have parents who don’t give a shit. And even though Gabe clearly doesn’t like me much, I’m glad that he’s such a rock for his sister. Even still, I don’t know what parallel Jacey is trying to draw.

“What does that have to do with me?” I ask woodenly. “What point are you trying to prove? Are you trying to show me that your parents fucked you up, but you’re trying to get past it? Because good for you.”

Jacey shakes her head.

“I want you to see what I learned… because you need to learn it too. It’s taken me a while to learn it, and honestly, I’m still trying to deal with it all. But even though our situations are different and we react to our situations in different ways, we’re dealing with the same kind of pain.”

She pauses, and I stare at her dubiously.

“It’s true, Dom. People have hurt us. But the lesson for us both is that people will hurt us in life, and we just have to get over it. We have to keep going and keep opening ourselves up to people. Will we get hurt again? Maybe so. But maybe we won’t. Maybe we’ll end up with something real.”

I don’t say anything, so Jacey continues.

“If something doesn’t change, you’re going to end up sad and alone, Dominic. I don’t want that for you. It doesn’t have to be this way, you know. There’s something between us… and I know you can feel it too. We have the opportunity for something real, Dom, even though we’re pretending that we don’t. We really do.”

A sharp rap on the window interrupts her, interrupting the moment at the same time. A worker hands me the clipboard to sign out, and I scrawl my name. I fire my engine back up and drive toward Chicago and try to ignore my pounding heart.

There can be no more pretending now. Jacey just confronted things head-on.

We’re quiet now. Awkward. Tense.

I can feel Jacey staring at me from time to time, waiting for me to react to what she said, but I don’t say anything and she doesn’t either. As I pull up to the curb, I make no motion to get out.

“I’m sorry,” I tell her tersely. “I can’t do this right now. I’m tired. Good night, Jacey.”

I’m once again trying to delay the inevitable.

She starts to get out, but pauses, looking into my face. With a cool hand, she traces my cheekbone, and I fight the urge to close my eyes and lean into her hand. But I don’t. I remain rigidly in my own seat.

“Dom, if you ever want to talk about it, I’m here,” she says quietly. “I’ll never breathe a word to anyone, I’ll just listen.”

Her face is so sincere, so genuine… it’s all I can do to remember to breathe. She doesn’t ask for anything, she’s just concerned about me.

“Thanks for the offer,” I tell her. “But…”

“I know,” she interrupts. “But you’ll pass. Why don’t you come in, Dom? We don’t have to talk. We can just watch a movie or something. I don’t want you to be alone.”

I don’t bother telling her that I’m always alone, even when I’m surrounded by people. Instead, I just shake my head.

“Not tonight. I think I’ll just go. Happy birthday, Jacey. I’m glad you got to see your brother.”

Jacey hesitates, then gets out, closing the car door. She stands there, gorgeous and quiet in the night. As I stare at her, I know what I have to do. I swallow hard. If I don’t do it now, it will be too late and I’ll have crushed her.

For once in my fucking life, I’m going to do the right thing.

The decent thing.

“Jacey, I can never give you what you want. You want someone who can open up and discuss feelings, someone who will be an active participant in your life. That’s not me and it never will be. We need to pull the plug on this thing now, because once again, you’re falling for the wrong guy.”

Jacey sucks in her breath and she’s frozen for a second. But then she leans down, staring in at me, and there’s something pained in her eyes.

“What are you afraid of, Dominic? Really? What are you afraid of?”

I stare at her, long and hard, before I answer.

“Everything,” I admit.

And then I drive away.

How is it that I’ve fucked up so badly once again?

I’ve opened myself up to someone who is emotionally unavailable and has more baggage than he can even keep track of. He’s detached. Distant. Unable to give me what I need, and, what’s worse, has never tried to hide it. He told me all along.

But still, I fell for him.

Still my heart breaks because he’s gone from me. Because I honestly thought that he was different. That deep down, he was a good guy and I could save him. Once again, I thought I could save someone who is apparently unsaveable.

I’ve done this to myself.

I grab a pair of boxing gloves and start swinging at a bag. I catch the attention of Jake and Tig and they come over to observe. Tig watches while Jake holds the bag.

My foot is still sore, so I can’t kick, but I take can out my aggression in punches—so that’s what I do, until I’m dripping with sweat and I’ve taken all of my frustration out on the bag. When I’m finally spent, Jake stares at me.

“Anything wrong, Jacey?” He’s hesitant, and I have to smile.

“That apparent?”

“Uh, yeah,” he answers. “I thought you were going to punch the bag off its hook. I’m just glad it was the bag and not me this time.”

I chuckle, but I don’t answer as I pull off my gloves. There isn’t a women’s locker room, so I have to wait to shower and change until I get home. After I grab my bag, I pass Dom and Joe in the hall.

“You heading out to California this weekend?” Joe asks Dom. Dom nods, and my heart breaks again because it’s a reminder that we’re truly separate now.

Separate lives. Separate people. We’re nothing to each other.

“Yeah,” Dominic answers. “And I know, don’t be late on Monday or don’t bother coming back.”

Joe chuckles, and part of me is happy that he is finally warming up to Dominic. But the other part of me is crushed because Dom barely looks at me. It’s been two days since my birthday, two days since Dominic broke things off. He’s been virtually silent ever since.

No texts, no calls, and almost no communication at work.

He’s like a wall… vast and silent.

Joe continues into his office, but Dom doesn’t turn around to talk to me.

Again.

Surprising myself, I decide I have to let it go. One thing I’ve definitely learned in life is that you can’t make someone love you. Or like you. Or want to be with you. It’s a lesson I’ve learned hard and well, but it doesn’t take the sting out of the rejection.

When Dominic almost reaches his car, I call out to him.

He turns around. He doesn’t say anything, but he looks directly at me, a question in his famous green eyes.

“Fuck you,” I tell him stoutly. Because even though I know I have to let it go, it still fucking hurts.

The corner of his mouth twitches, but he doesn’t answer. He just drops into his Porsche and drives away, leaving me standing here alone.

It seems fitting. It pisses me off even more that I can’t be mad. Dominic told me from the beginning not to get drawn in, not to get attached.

I’ll crush you without meaning to,
he’d said. How he can’t see that Sin wrote that song about him, I’ll never know. He must be fucking clueless.

I sigh and head home to get ready for Saffron.

As I drive past a tiny little bar on the way, I glance at it, briefly tempted to stop. Not to get a drink, but to soak in the attention that I know I would receive there.

Seeing the eyes on me, the guys who would inevitably hit on me… it never fails to bolster my self-confidence and make me feel better.

But not this time.
My hands grip the steering wheel and I force myself to drive past.

I’m going to break old patterns. I don’t need another guy to make me forget Dominic.

I don’t.

My heart hurts, but I’ve got to do the only thing I can, the healthy thing. I’ve got to keep going and keep putting one foot in front of the other, instead of dive-bombing into the nearest bed.

I can do this. I can stand alone.

Before I know it, all of this will be a distant memory…

It’s a façade. These guys lust after me, and it makes me feel like they really want me. They don’t. They want to fuck me, and there’s the difference.

I need to find my self-respect again, which means getting another job ASAP.

Kaylie scrunches up her nose. “So, let me get this straight. You’ve been hanging out with Dominic Kinkaide for weeks now. And you haven’t fucked him—although he took you to his Hollywood Hills house for an entire weekend? And now it’s all over and you aren’t seeing each other?”

I nod silently, wishing I hadn’t chosen to vent to her. I love Kaylie, but she’s got a one-track mind, and unfortunately it’s always on sex.

“You’re insane,” she decides, handing me the red lipstick. “You need a touch-up before we go. And hurry up. We’re going to be late. Again.”

I put the lipstick on as Kaylie stares at me. “If he’s anything like his brother in the sack, then you missed out.
Big time,
” she adds, for good measure. “Seriously. In fact, I think I’m going to get a tattoo on my ass.
I fucked Sin Kinkaide.
Ohhh. Or maybe
I’ve Sinned.
”

“Classy,” I mutter. “I get the point. I’m sorry for bringing it up.”

“What are friends for?” Kaylie turns to me, grinning widely, and all of a sudden I just really miss Maddy. Kaylie’s fine, but she’s a superficial friend, someone to have fun with. Maddy’s levelheaded and smart and she knows me better than anyone. I make a mental note to call her tonight on one of my breaks.

Kaylie and I pile into my new car and we drive to the Saffron office. Our boss, Big Jim, calls to us from behind the counter.

“Hey girls! Your jobs for tonight have changed. Well, not yours, Kaylie. You’re still serving at the Gable bachelor party. But Jacey, your presence has been requested at Sinclair Kinkaide’s house yet again—and he’s paying me twice your normal wage to make sure you’re there. I don’t know what you’re doing, but it better not be anything illegal.”

Big Jim stares at me, but then grins. I shake my head. “I don’t want to. I’m sorry. You’ll have to send someone else. Send Kaylie.”

Big Jim scowls now, his big jowls twisting as he shakes his head. “No. It’s gotta be you. And if you value this job, you need to go. My word is my bond and I already promised that you’d be there.”

“Can’t you call him back and say that I’m sick?” I ask as panicky feelings well up in my lungs. “I can’t go there, Big Jim. I just can’t.”

“You can,” he assures me. “And you have to.”

“What about me?” Kaylie demands. “Did Sin say anything about me?”

Big Jim shakes his head. “Not a thing, darlin’.”

I feel sick to my stomach as I stare at Kaylie. “You might want to hold off on that tattoo.”

She scowls at me, but I sit down in the chair by the cash register. I don’t think I can do this. I don’t want to face Dominic. Not after he dismissed me the way he did. And then I all but told him that I’d fallen for him. Why the fuck did I do that? Don’t I have one little speck of self-respect left? God.

Maybe not, but there’s only one way to fix that: find it. And find it fast.

“Okay,” I say aloud to no one in particular. “I’ll go.”

Big Jim doesn’t even glance at me, because to him it’d already been settled. I slip outside without another word and head my little car in the direction of Sin’s mansion. The closer I get, the heavier my heart feels, but I ignore it.

I can do this. I can walk in there with my head up and be totally unaffected by Dominic.

I can do this.

I’m practically chanting that as I walk around the house and go in through the back door, making my way to the kitchen. I already have this routine down pat; I’ve done it several times already. When I step inside the kitchen though, Henrietta, the shift leader, looks up at me.

“You’re supposed to find Mr. Kinkaide the second you get here,” she says to me curiously. “I don’t know why.”

She’s looking at me as if I can offer her an explanation. I shrug. “I have no idea.”

She doesn’t believe me, but I don’t care. It’s not my problem. I make my way out into the main part of the house, intent on finding Sin but avoiding Dominic.

It proves to be easy. Dominic is nowhere to be seen, and Sin is lounging in his main living room, in jeans and no shirt. For a minute I smile, remembering how Dominic has complained several times about Sin always walking around half-naked, but the smile dies at the thought of Dominic.

“You wanted to see me?” I ask Sin quietly. He’s looking through a pile of papers and seems deep in thought. He looks up.

“Oh, hi. Jacey, right?”

He knows my name. And he knows that’s exactly who I am.

Sin Kinkaide knows who I am.
It’s mind-boggling. He grins, and I can see Dominic in that grin. It’s cocky, charming, and sexy all at once. “I requested for you to work my party tonight.”

“I know,” I tell him slowly. “But why?”

“Because my brother’s been happier these last few weeks than he’s been in a very long time,” Sin tells me seriously. He twists a bottle of beer around in his hand as he speaks, and each time he moves, a silver ring with a ram’s head on it clicks against the glass. I must look doubtful because he laughs.

“It’s true,” he assures me. “I know it’s difficult to tell when my brother is happy or when he’s not, but trust me. He’s been happier, which makes my life happier, since he’s been staying here. But he came home in a bitch-ass mood last night, and when I asked why, he almost bit my head off. Logically, I know that can only mean one thing. He fucked things up with you.”

I start to protest, but Sin holds up a hand.

“Did he or did he not?”

I swallow. “You don’t understand. There wasn’t anything to fuck up. We were just hanging out to have fun. We were never going to be anything serious, so there wasn’t any need to bring me here. Trust me, if Dom was in a bad mood, it wasn’t because of me. It was his idea that we stop hanging out.”

“And he told you that yesterday?” Sin raises an eyebrow.

I see where he’s going with this. “Yes, but that was just a coincidence. Trust me.”

Sin shakes his head. “Trust me. I know my brother. But this brings me to my point of having you here. I’d like for you to serve him tonight exclusively. Follow him everywhere. If he goes to his room, you go. Don’t take no for an answer.”

This annoys me, and I glare at Sin. “What the hell do you think I am? I’m not a personal servant or a sex slave.”

Sin stares at me. “I know you’re not. But I think you care about my brother. You must, or you wouldn’t have put up with his shit for this long. Look, my brother has been buried under a rock for way too long. Years. But he came out from under that rock for you. I’d like to see him stay that way. The key to that is you. Trust me.”

“I seem to be doing a lot of ‘trusting you,’ ” I point out. “And I don’t even know you.”

“Of course you do,” Sin pacifies me. “Everyone knows me.”

I have to roll my eyes. I can almost hear Dom in his arrogant tone. “Everyone knows
of
you. They don’t actually
know
you,” I remind him. “Including me.”

“Okay, valid point,” he concedes, his face a blank slate but for a smile. “Tell me what I can do so you’ll trust me. Sing you a song?”

I start to laugh, until something occurs to me. “Tell me about Emma. And why Dominic blames Cris.”

Sin sobers up quickly, staring at me. “Hmm. Straight for the jugular. So Dominic won’t tell you?”

I shake my head. “No. All I know is that she was his girlfriend and he blames Cris for something really bad. That’s all I know.”

Sin sighs and takes a swig of his beer as he settles back into his seat.

“I don’t know why he blames Cris,” he admits. “We all have our suspicions, but no one knows for sure. Dom won’t talk about it and Cris won’t say. But I can tell you that it fucked him up. Big time. Whatever else happened, Emma died and Dominic blames himself. But that’s all I can tell you. It’s his story and he should be the one telling it. Maybe he’ll get the chance tonight… because you’re going to be his shadow. I don’t think he’s home yet, but I’m pretty sure he’ll be back soon. He’s going to stay at the party for a while before he flies out to LA.”

“What if I don’t want to be his shadow?” I ask as cold fingers of dread curl around my stomach. Sin smiles.

“You might think you don’t want to, but I think you really do. And from what I’ve seen of you, you don’t do anything that you don’t want to do.”

I stare at him, not wanting to say anything, because deep down I know he’s right… on both counts.

I turn to leave, but hesitate. “Do you really think he’s been happier since he met me?” I ask slowly. Sin nods.

“I know he has.”

I walk out quietly, lost in thought. Dominic blames himself for Emma’s death? That’s quite a bit different than just grieving a dead girlfriend. A million different scenarios run through my mind, but I’ll never know the truth unless he tells me.

I don’t see that happening.

With a sigh, I turn into the main hall and grab a tray of champagne. Until I see Dominic, I might as well hand out drinks.

It doesn’t take too long. Twenty minutes later, I feel him walk into the room. I feel his stare, buried between my shoulder blades. Sure enough, when I turn around, Dom’s green eyes meet mine, and I can see a strange fire in them.

I set my tray down and walk straight to him. He doesn’t move, he just leans against the doorframe and waits.

“Jacey,” he greets me, nodding. “To what do I owe this pleasure?”

So polite, so civil, so distant.

My throat tightens up. Maybe Sin was wrong.

“Sin brought me here,” I explain, fighting the urge to run my fingers through his hair, to push back his rakish bangs. “I’m supposed to exclusively serve you tonight.”