Begin to Begin (25 page)

I know that staying away from her is what is best. But since that morning, I have felt like a piece of my heart has been ripped away from me. Picking up one of the books that Marin gave me from the store, I heave it across the room and it slams into the blind on the window.

A few seconds later, there is a knock at the office door.

“What!” I yell, not caring who I offend or piss off at this point. Liam pops his head in the door, probably afraid that I’m going to throw something at him.

“Ummmm, you might want to cool your jets for a few minutes.”

“Yeah, and why should I do that.” He stares at me for a second before answering.

“Marin’s here.”

Jumping out of my chair, I run out but Liam stops me. “Sit down. I’ll go get her.” He turns back with a sly smile. “Don’t act too desperate.”

When he walks out of the room, I mutter to myself, “But I am desperate.”
 

I’m not sure what I’m even going to say when I see him. If he even wants to see me. But it was time to get everything out in the open. Even if it means we go our separate ways after this. Amelia was right; I needed to talk to him.

Liam walks back over to where I stand by the garage door. “Thank god you’re here, Marin,” he says as relief washes over him.

He can surely see the confusion written all over my face.

“Dalton has been unbearable to be around since the two of you …” He motions to me and then to the office door where Dalton waits. “Well, since you split or whatever the hell happened.”

“He didn’t tell you?” I ask, shocked that he wouldn’t know what happened. But maybe he didn’t know of Dalton’s other life.

“Oh, he told me some. And I know it’s been some time now but, my condolences on your fiancé. Dalton isn’t a man of many words, which I’m sure you know by now. So I don’t know everything, not my business, though.” He starts walking toward the office. “Come on, beautiful. I know he’s been waiting very impatiently to see you.”

As I approach the door, I pause.
Did I make the right decision coming here? What if he’s moved on and doesn’t care to see me?
Although, that’s not what it sounds like by what Liam said.
What if everything he has to tell me is worse than I could have imagined?

I’m terrified.

“I’ll let you go on in when you’re ready.” Liam nods then headsback over to the car he was working on.

breathtaking a deep breath, I push the door open slowly, not sure what is waiting for me on the other side.

Hell, not sure what I want to give to the person on the other side.

And there he is, staring at me from across the room. Intensity and hope in his stare.

We look at each other a long moment.

So many emotions overtake me and I don’t know what to say or what to feel. My brain is screaming
I hate you
but my heart is whispering
I love you
.

But what I am seeing from him is nothing but love and longing; hope and desperation.

I decide to be the one to speak first. I know he’s nervous. Hell, so am I.

“Hi.”

He takes a step forward, but I put my hand up to stop him. I’m not ready for the closeness yet. I don’t know if I will be able to feel that with him again.

Nodding, he steps back.

“Hi. Come in sit down.” He walks behind his desk and sits down and I take the chair across from him.

I’m starting to think this was a bad idea. I can smell the dark edginess that makes him Dalton. Those green eyes are trying to suck me back in, and I might let them.

“You look amazing, Marin.” I know he’s lying. I haven’t really been trying to look like anything for the last two months. I get up, shower, brush through my hair, and put it in a small ponytail—it’s finally long enough to do that—brush my teeth and throw on jeans and a t-shirt. I haven’t wanted to put any kind of energy into the way I look. It’s not important anyway.

“Thank you. You look good too.”

“Marin, I’m so damn sorry, I …”

“Stop. Please just let me talk first.” He jumps right in to apologize for everything but I stop him. I need to tell him everything I am thinking and feeling before I am ready for any type of explanation from him.

“OK.” He leans back in his chair and nods his head for me to continue.

“When I met you, it wasn’t planned, obviously, but I do thank God you were there when you were. I never thought you would be more to me than a friend at first. I wasn’t looking for any type of romantic relationship at all. I still loved …” I shake my head. “I still
love
Benji. I know I’ll never stop. But …” I have thought long and hard about what I was going to say to Dalton today, and I still don’t know if it’s right, but it’s what’s in my heart.

“But what?” he asks.

“But I fell in love with you. I didn’t want to. I tried to stop it from happening; I tried to get you out of my system.” He flinches at my words. “But god help me, I fell in love with you.”

“I’m so fucking in love with you, Marin,” he says quickly as he steps toward me. He doesn’t have to tell me though, Iknow he is. I’ve known for a while. I could feel it in the way he touched me. The way his eyes burned into my soul. I smile sadly at him but continue with what I want to tell him.

“I know you love me, But, I just don’t know how to move on from here. I don’t know if I can forgive you for what you did to Benji. You knew since that night that someone died and you did nothing.” My words come out harsher as I go. “I didn’t want to know the whole story. Mostly because I don’t think I can live through being broken again. But I need to hear it. If nothing else for closure. So I can move on.”

“Please let me tell you everything, Marin.” He sighs and gets up and walks over to the window. He stands looking out for a few moments and I let him. I don’t want him to rush through what happens because it’s time for me to know everything that happened that night.

I’m going to lay everything out there for her. That’s all I can do and then hope for the best. Hope she still wants me to be a part of her life. I know it won’t happen immediately; I’m OK with that. The fact that she’s even here, sitting across from me, has me wanting to jump up and down like a mad person with excitement.

She’s so beautiful. Her hair has gotten a little bit longer turning the curls into soft waves, but she’s lost weight. I noticed that immediately. She’s still the most beautiful woman I’ve ever laid eyes on but she didn’t need to lose weight. She is so tiny to begin with; it can’t be healthy. But, God I’ve missed her so damn much.

I stare out the window a few minutes longer before I let myself go back to that night.

But this is what she needs.

“Dalton!” I hear Sonny yell for me from up the street where he stands with J.R. and four other guys I’m not familiar with. Not yet anyway. I’m sure I will be eventually. “Get up here, fuck face, before the shit hits the fan.”

Jogging up to where he stands, he introduces me to Miguel, Raphael, and Pedro. Obvious members of Sol del Sur. I hate dealing with these fuckers. They can’t be trusted. I know they have dealings in human trafficking and Miguel is a known drug lord that’s had several people that fell out of his good graces murdered. But every so often they hit Sonny up for a car. Sonny and J.R. run the chop shop out of Southside and me being their head mechanic and shop guy, I get pulled into a bunch of these runs and drops with them.

But I’m not sure what’s going on because I dropped the car an hour ago and then got a text from Sonny telling me to meet here. That there was a problem with the drop. Which is bullshit. I dropped the car, handed over the keys, collected the money, and took it directly to Sonny.

I don’t know why he wanted to meet here. This is one of the nicest areas in town, and I don’t think I’ve ever even done a drop here. The only thing I can think of is that the person that the car was for lives in the area. Most of these rich fuckers make their money the unconventional way. Drugs, prostitution, you name it. They figure out a way. It’s pure and simple greed. But I guess that makes me greedy too because this is how I choose to make my money as well.

After a few minutes of small talk, two other men arrive. I’m not sure who they are. They aren’t the men we dropped the car off too. I stand back out of the way. I don’t normally get involved in this part of the business. I don’t even like doing the drops, really, but the money is insanely good.

As I lean across the building and watch across the street, theirvoices get louder. They are arguing about the money. “Dalton! Get over here,” Sonny yells. I walk toward them when I hear shouts.

Before having a chance to actually comprehend what is happening, agun goes off and that’s all it takes for me to take off. I don’t wait around to see what happened, but as I run, I hear several more gunshots. I have no idea if everyone is alive or dead. I have no idea if anyone is following me with a gun drawn. Hell, I don’t even know who shot the gun.

I jump in my car and tear out of the parking spot around the corner from where I was told to meet them. I don’t want to stick around and find out what happened back there. Maybe this is just the push I need to put it behind me. As I turn onto South John Young Parkway, I see police cars flying by me and ambulances. How the hell did someone get called that fast? It’s only been a couple minutes. I can’t worry about that now. I need to get home. I need to get back to my dingy apartment and not tell anyone what happened. I need to put this life behind me.

“It was a long time before I knew that anyone was hurt. Hell, I was a coward and ran. I thought for a few months that maybe Sonny or J.R. did because I didn’t hear from them. But then Sonny showed up at the garage one day and they told me that one of the men from that night died and that someone else got shot. Someone that wasn’t with us. I didn’t know at first that the person died. I still didn’t want to know. It was bad enough that I was involved in a shooting let alone a death.”

When I’m finished talking I take in a deep breath. I’m afraid to look at her. I don’t want to see the anger in her eyes. But when I do, all I see is hurt.

I continue with the rest of what she needs to hear. “When you told me about what happened. About Benji. It was too much of a coincidence. Same area of town. Same time frame. Person was never caught. I had to find out the truth. I had to find out if I was responsible for ending the person’s life that you loved most.”

“Dalton,” she says sadly.

“You see, I had to talk to the detective andhad to know for sure. He obviously didn’t tell me all the details. Not at first, anyway, but he told me the location, the time, the date. All the information that enabled me to match it up to that night.”

“I don’t know what to say,” she whispers, looking down at her folded hands in her lap. I see the tears on her face, and I want nothing more than to wipe them away.

“For whatever it’s worth, I do love you, Marin. I love you with every ounce of myself. Fate has a fucked up way of showing itself.”

She looks up at me sternly and wipes away those tears that I wanted to wipe away.

“I still don’t understand why you didn’t tell the police right away. Even if you didn’t know who got shot, you still knew someone did.”

"The thig is, I guess I was just at a point in my life that I didn't care about anyone but myself. I knew something bad happened that night. But I refused to face the truth of what really happened. I didn't want to know that someone died and that I had anything to do with it. When you told me about Benji it knocked the wind right out of me. How could the girl I'm falling in love with be connected in any way to the worst night of my life?"

She looks at me defeated. I see the despair in her eyes. Not only did she lose the man of her dreams, but she lost me too. I don’t want to lose her. I don’t want to let the only light that’s ever shown in my life dim. But, I’ll let her go if that is what she wants. If that’s what she needs.

“So you never even had a gun that night?” she asks softly.

“No. I swear, Marin. Most people wouldn’t believe me if I told them but I don’t like guns. I don’t even own one.”

Marin looks at me a little shocked by my statement. But it’s the truth. Sonny bought a gun once and gave it to me, and I ended up giving it to one of the other guys in the old chop shop. I didn’t want the damn thing.

She drops her head to her hands and groans. “I don’t even know what to think. I’m so fucking confused.”

There is nothing more for me to say, so I sit in silence, hoping for the best. Nothing I say at this point can make her love me or forgive me. She has to want it. And, honestly, I’m not sure if she does.

“I need to go home. I need to be alone and think about everything that’s happened.”

Not wanting to watch her walk out that door but knowing that I need to, I can only hope that this won’t be the last time I see her. The fact that she’s even here gives me hope.

“I’m sorry, Dalton. I just don’t know what to do now. I need time.”

“OK.”

It’s all I can say right now.

She doesn’t get up and move immediately, though. She stares out the window for a few moments. Marin then stands, walks over to me, and looks up at me. I’m afraid to say anything because I want to breathe her in right now. She reaches up and places her warm hand to my cheek and closes her eyes.

Not wanting to let her go, I place my hand over hers, holding her to me.

And then she turns and leaves.

As I drive home, tears flooding my eyes, I’m not sure how I’m supposed to feel. It should be wrong to understand why he did what he did. But I do. God help me, I do.

I cry for Benji and his life lost. I don’t think I will ever cry enough tears for him.

I cry for Dalton and the life he led. The life that led him to crime and then to me somehow. He was right, fate really did fuck us over. But I can’t help but feel that fate brought him to me for a reason.

Dalton brought me back to life. He showed me that I could love again. And if it wasn’t for him, Benji’s killers would still be walking the streets.