Beginning of Forever (Heaven Hill #7) (17 page)

They had sat there for almost an hour in silence before Meredith had the courage to speak. “Is he right, are things going to be good?”

Her strong husband grunted, scrubbing a hand across his face. “I don’t know, and maybe that’s what scares me the most.”

She got up and started pacing behind the couch. “My biggest fear is if I allow myself to be happy about this, it’s going to go away. I’m going to miscarry, and then we’ve gotten excited for nothing. I’ve never been able to get pregnant before, what if I can’t carry the baby?” she questioned, tears in her eyes.

“Don’t even go there.”

“That’s the first place I went.” She threw her hands up in the air. “Do you know what would happen to me if I lost this baby?”

“You’d make it through, just like you make it through everything. You’re tough as hell, Mer. I wouldn’t have married you if you weren’t. You’re a hell of a woman.”

“That’s it, Tyler.” She walked around the couch and had a seat, the mask she wore to protect her feelings gone. “I know myself. This will break me if it doesn’t happen. Not even with Addie will I be able to come back from it.”

Frustration made him pull a hand through his hair. “You think that way, and the ‘damage’,” he made air quotes with his fingers, “is done. We haven’t ever used protection since we got married; we just figured we couldn’t have kids. Well, guess what. It happened, our dream came true. Now are you going to appreciate it, or are you going to be fucking miserable about it?”

She recoiled from his tone. “Don’t yell at me, Blackfoot.”

“Then stop being a brat.” He blew out a deep breath. “I understand that you don’t want to count on this, I understand that you’re confused about how this happened. I am too, even though all the doctors told us we were fine. It’s not something I ever let myself get excited about. Guess what, now it’s happened and we have six more months—we can’t drive ourselves crazy with it. I’ve never been scared of anything in my life, and I’m not gonna start now. We’re going to enjoy this.”

Meredith heard everything he said, she even understood it, but she wasn’t sure if she could make her heart and head believe it. “I want to enjoy this, but I’m so scared,” she cried, tears escaping from her eyes.

“I’m not,” he said strongly. “We haven’t been given something only to have it taken away. I firmly believe that. If we live in fear, then something will happen because you’ll have stressed yourself out so badly. Be the woman I know and enjoy this.”

“I want to.” She shook her head. “But I don’t know if I can. I don’t want to worry about this for the next six months.”

She was going to hate him, but he had to bring her out of this. “Then c’mon, let’s go.”

“Where?” she asked, grabbing hold of the hand he offered her.

“We’re going to tell Ashley you want to take care of it. That you can’t have this child.”

“What?” she screamed, fighting to get her hand free of his. “Are you fucking crazy, Tyler?” She dug her heels in, fighting to keep him from pulling her out of the house.

“You’re not happy about this, you want to not worry. Let’s fix it so that you don’t have to.”

She’d not seen him like this in years—at least towards her. His eyes were fierce and flashing, his face hard and unmoving. Not able to stop him from dragging her, she sunk to the floor and sat. “No.” She shook her head. “That’s not what I want.”

He crouched down so that he was on eye level with her. Cupping her face in his hands, he searched her face. “I know that, and you know that deep inside. You’re tired and you’re scared. Go take a nap, and when you wake up, things will look much different for you. For us. For our family. Don’t let this fear grab hold of you and take over. This thing, it’s amazing, Mer. We never thought it would happen, and damned if it hasn’t.”

She knew he was right, and she also knew she was so tired. “I do need a nap; I do need to let this sink in. Please don’t think I’m not happy,” she cried, pulling her legs up so that she could rest her cheek on her knees.

“I know you are, but I also know you. You’ve got to let yourself be happy about it,” he whispered as he gripped the back of her neck. “We’ll be fine, babe. We always have been.”

“I’m gonna go take a nap,” she told him, getting up from the floor.

“Sleep well.” He leaned down, kissing her on the forehead.

As she slowly made her way to the bedroom, he let out a deep breath. He hoped like he’d never hoped before that all of this would work out.

‡
Chapter Twenty

“I
’ve never seen Meredith like that before,” Bianca told Jagger as they drove to the clubhouse.

“She was in a bad spot after she was raped, but since then, I’ve never seen that blank stare in her eyes. Back then I was newly patched, so I wasn’t privy to everything that was going on, but I can remember Tyler bringing her to the clubhouse. For months afterwards, she had this blank stare that could see straight through you—even when she seemed happy. It was like there was a part of her that would check out and go to this place where she wasn’t sure how she felt about anything.” He shook his head. “I saw that today, and the thing is, I don’t understand it. She and Tyler have wanted this for a long ass time.”

“I imagine she’s scared,” B speculated. “I mean, think of it this way. Say you were never able to get pregnant, they told you everything was fine, but for years, you weren’t able to have a child—never even
got
pregnant. Out of the blue, she’s pregnant. I’m just saying if it were me, the first thing I would worry about would be a miscarriage. I wouldn’t want to get too attached to that child, just in case it didn’t work out.”

Jagger didn’t think about life like that; he was balls to the wall, whatever happened—just happened. “I don’t even understand that, but I also understand that not everybody is how I am, not everyone has my outlook on life.”

“No.” She laughed. “Not everybody gets to sing whatever night of the week they want to and have women throw themselves at him and then go home with his wife. You’re a special snowflake.” She leaned over, kissing him on the cheek.

“I am,” he agreed as Addie giggled from the back seat. “Even she agrees.” He smiled at her, making a funny face in the rearview mirror so that she could see it. He was awarded with another giggle from her.

“I don’t know what in the hell we’re gonna do with you,” Bianca told him, as she checked her phone, doing her best to ignore him for the rest of the ride.

*

Meredith woke up from a very deep sleep. She wasn’t sure how long she’d been out, but she felt much better than when she’d initially gone there. Putting her hand on the mattress, she propped herself up, eyeing the bracelet at her wrist they had given her at the hospital. Slowly blowing out a deep breath, she threw herself back against the pillows.

“I don’t know why you’re being such an idiot about this,” she told herself. “You’ve wanted this for so long and now you’re scared.”

Tears popped into her eyes, and she hated the fact that she was so emotional, but now she knew why. The emotional feelings had been there for months, over the stupidest things, but she’d always thought she was tired. Maybe even possibly overwhelmed, but not once had she ever thought she was pregnant.

The bedroom door opened and Tyler came in, holding out a bottle of water for her. “Figured by now you’d be a little thirsty.”

She was, now that he mentioned it. Gratefully taking the bottle, she drank almost half of it in one gulp before sitting it on the bedside table. Tyler looked uncomfortable. In all honesty, she couldn’t remember the last time he’d ever looked this way. “Are you okay?”

He took that as an invitation to lie down next to her. Situating himself, he looked over at her. “I’m fine, I just don’t know where your head is, and I hate that. We’ve been together for years, and except for those first few months, I’ve always been able to know where you are, Mer. When I don’t, my world ain’t right, and it’s not right now, because I can’t tell if you’re really happy about this or not.”

The silence was deafening as they were both left alone with their thoughts. Finally, her soft voice broke through.

“I prayed for this. I can’t tell you how many times I would drop to my knees and pray for this. It was more often than I even want to admit to you. I’m in shock that those prayers were answered, long after I had given up hope that they ever would be.” She was trying hard to explain her shock.

He turned in the bed so that he spooned her from behind and ran his hand down her side, caressing her hip in a soothing manner. “You know as well as I do that stuff doesn’t always happen on the timetable that you want it to. You know I’m a very spiritual person, and I truly believe that before, we probably weren’t equipped to handle this. We got Addie when we were supposed to, and we’re getting this baby because we’re supposed to. That’s how it is, and that’s how it’s going to be.”

“I know that you’re right.” She entwined their fingers together, bringing his arm over her stomach and resting their hands there. “I can’t believe it actually happened,” she whispered.

“It did,” he whispered back. “It really happened, and now we have a choice, babe. We can worry for the next six months and make ourselves crazy, or we can enjoy the hell outta this. If you’re asking me? I want to enjoy it. I want to experience everything with you that we never got to experience with Addie. She’s going to be an amazing big sister.”

“She will.” A smile spread across Meredith’s face, and she exhaled a cleansing breath. Tyler was right; there would be nothing they could do either way about having this child. It was either going to happen or it wasn’t, and she couldn’t get caught up in the worry.

“Are you good?” he asked, as she exhaled deeply and let her body relax against his.

“I am.” She nodded. “I have to let it go and give it up to the universe. I have no say in what happens. I had no say in whether I got pregnant or not, what makes me think I’m going to have any say in how this pregnancy goes?”

“That’s my girl.” He kissed the side of her neck. “Let me take care of you, and we’ll wing it together.”

She turned over so they faced one another. “I guess this explains why I’ve been so emotional lately.”

“Really?” His smile was wide. “I hadn’t noticed.”

She giggled. He had noticed. She’d cried at a commercial on TV the other night, straight out sobbed. “I thought I was stressed,” the protest was in her voice.

“I thought you were too.”

Tyler kept to himself that he’d noticed the weight gain, but he hadn’t wanted to say anything to her. What kind of husband would he be if he had? The only reason he was still in such good shape was because of Drew. They’d worked out together for years, and it wasn’t something that he wanted to stop. He enjoyed those early mornings with his friend—and that’s what Drew had become.

Placing her hand on his chest, she bit her bottom lip. “I kind of thought I was depressed. I had made an appointment to see Doc Jones at the end of this week,” she admitted.

“Fuck, Mer, why didn’t you say anything to me?” Keeping things like that from him was a hard limit, and it pissed him off. He tried to be understanding, but sometimes it really got to him.

“Because I wasn’t sure what was going on. I wasn’t sure if I was burnt out, or what.”