Being Jamie Baker (24 page)

I started repeating Mr. Edwards’s words in my head.
I’m the one with all the power
.
I’m the one
with all the power
. But somehow I think this emotional power must be a lot like my physical power. It was going to take a lot of practice.

It wouldn’t have been so bad except I couldn’t help thinking how much Paige was right.

Everything that was wrong between everyone in this school was because of me. Okay, well maybe not what was wrong between Mike and Becky, but everyone else? These people all used to be one big happy family before I came along. Why would they let me into their lives when I was the one responsible for breaking them all up?

It was the same exact thing as my old school. I’d taken Derek from them and they hated me for it.

Why would I expect things to be different here? I wasn’t even friends with these people before I took Ryan from them. I know Ryan had faith, but suddenly I was sure that any attempts to be friends with anyone in this school would be useless.

I didn’t know what was with me and the waterworks lately, but I started to cry again. “Right,” I sniffled eventually. I ignored Paige and Tamika and looked straight at Becky. “Forget I said anything.” I turned around to leave only to nearly run into Ryan. “Don’t touch me,” I warned when he reached out to pull me into his arms.

“What’s wrong?” he asked as he pulled his hands back.

“This isn’t going to work, Ryan,” I said through my tears. “You and me, friends, a life, any of it.

And I am so tired of fighting about it with you. You said I can’t be both people, but the truth is, I can’t be either. I’m sorry.”

I started to leave when I finally broke out into full-on sobs.

“Jamie, wait!”

“No! I tried, okay? I really did. But it’s not going to work, and I can’t take this anymore, so just stop! Please!”

I walked away, and it was hard to keep myself at a normal human pace because I could still hear Ryan as I headed for my car.

“It’s really better this way, Ryan,” Paige said with a sympathy that made me nauseous.

“Better for who?” he asked her. “For Jamie? For me? Or maybe just better for you. I can’t believe you, Paige! You have no idea what she’s been through! Pain like you could never imagine! And you’re throwing it in her face over and over again for what? Because I’d rather go out with her than with you?

You call her the ice queen, but Jamie would never do something like that to anyone.”

“But look at what she’s doing to you,” Paige said.

“She’s done nothing but make me happy, and she’s had to turn her entire life around just to do it.

You guys are the ones doing all the damage!”

“But, Ryan—”

“Don’t start with me, Becky! I told her you were different. I begged her to give you a chance. Do you have any idea how hard that was for her? She tried to be nice. She was terrified of you, but she did it for me because I promised you weren’t like everyone else, and you crushed her!” As I reached my car I heard Ryan sigh. “Maybe she was right when she chose not to be friends with any of us,” he said, sounding more resigned than angry now. “I thought I was helping, but all I did was give her hope and then throw her to the wolves. I’ve probably hurt her more than anyone. Thanks a lot, you guys.”

It sounded as though someone was crying, and I realized it was Becky when she gave Ryan a weepy apology. “Ryan, I’m sorry,” she said.

His response was “Just forget it.”

I don’t know if he said anything else because I was in my car now, and I revved the engine and blasted the radio so that I could tune them out. Then I went home and accidentally slammed my brand-new bedroom door through the bathroom wall again.

I guess I shouldn’t have been surprised when Ryan showed up at my house not ten minutes after I did. I mean the guy’s painfully dedicated
and
convinced that he is my boyfriend. It would make sense that he would come to me after he finished yelling at his friends on my behalf. But for some reason, when he showed up and begged my mom to let him in, I was still shocked. Shocked and angry.

“Hello, Ryan,” my mother sighed when she answered the door. I may have been stunned, but she didn’t sound all that surprised to see him. “Thank you for stopping by, but I really don’t think Jamie is up for any visitors right now.”

“Please, Mrs. Baker? Please just let me try to talk to her.” The power in the house was already out, but I was angry enough that the walls shook at the sound of his desperate voice. I didn’t mean to be so upset with him because I knew he really cared about me and he’d done nothing but treat me better than I deserved, but a girl can be told that things will be okay only so many times. I’d definitely reached my limit.

My mother sounded scared as she attempted again to shoo him off. “I’m sorry, Ryan, but now is just not a good time.”

“It’s okay, Mrs. Baker.” There was silence for a moment while Ryan hesitated. “I know about Jamie. About her powers, I mean,” he finally admitted. “And I know the rules. I won’t get too close, but you have to let me see her. Please! It’s my fault she’s so upset. I owe her an apology.”

“You what?” my mother gasped.

I’d like to pretend that my mother was surprised because Ryan claimed he was the reason I was crying, but I knew that’s not what caught her off guard. Ryan apparently knew it too because the next thing he said was, “Please don’t be mad at Jamie for telling me about herself. I sort of didn’t give her a choice. And don’t worry—I swear I will never ever tell anyone.” There was a pause for a minute, and then Ryan spoke again, in a much smaller voice. “I care about your daughter, Mrs. Baker. A lot. I want to protect her just as much as you do.”

I knew Ryan cared about me—that much was obvious—but I’d never heard him say it out loud before. And for him to say it to my mother! It was so bittersweet. It made me feel so much better and so much worse, all at the same time. My anger subsided, but my despair increased tenfold and I started crying even harder.

I was too exhausted now to keep up the anger inside me, and the house stilled. My mother knew I could hear the conversation and must have figured that what he said had calmed me down, because she didn’t say anything, but Ryan let out a huge breath. “Thank you, Mrs. Baker!”

“Ryan?” my mother called with an exasperated sigh. “Keep your distance.”

“I will.”

Ryan didn’t say anything as he came down the hallway and crossed the war zone of my bedroom’s threshold. I guess he wasn’t all that surprised to see my missing door. Eventually he broke the silence with a simple “I’m sorry.”

“Go away!” I shouted, and then my voice broke.

“I’m so sorry. I was wrong about my friends. But just forget them, okay? I did.” His face was sick with worry, and I suddenly felt guilty all over again. “They’re your friends,” I said, attempting to gain some control of myself. “You can’t just forget them.”

“If they were really my friends they wouldn’t treat you like that.”

“But they’re right. I’m a jerk, and you’ve been different. You can’t blame them for hating me—

they’re just worried about you.”

“That’s bull! They’re just jealous, and if they can’t get over it, then it’s their loss. Jamie, if I have to choose a side, then I choose yours. And for once in my life I don’t care if it makes everyone in the entire school hate me, just as long as you don’t.”

“Don’t be stupid. You can’t give up everyone you know because of me.”

“But that’s just it—I shouldn’t have to. I don’t want to be friends with people that expect me to forget about the best thing that’s ever happened to me, just because they don’t understand you. They won’t even listen to me long enough to let me explain.”

“Maybe that’s because they’re right this time. I’m no good for you. You may not want to listen to them, but I don’t have a choice. Becky’s right. I’ve been selfish because I like you, and for your own safety it has to stop. I’m sorry, Ryan, but there’s no side to choose. I’m on their side this time.” I dried my tears and looked him straight in the eye. I meant it this time, and I had to make him see that. “It’s over.”

I don’t know how long he stood there just staring at me in silence, but it felt like forever and I had to look away. I couldn’t keep staring at the tortured expression on his face because I absolutely couldn’t give in this time.

“You can’t give up,” he eventually whispered. “You were doing so great. You can’t just quit because of something Paige or Becky said.”

“You don’t get it!” I screamed. “It’s not about what they said!”

“So explain it to me then, Jamie! Because I honestly can’t understand why won’t you let me get close to you. I know you want to!”

When I didn’t answer him, he lowered his voice and kept talking. “I don’t just mean physically,” he said. “You’re scared to be in a relationship at all. You’re scared to let me in. Is it because of Derek?

Because you can’t let one accident keep you from ever living your life again.”

“It’s not Derek.”

“Then what is it? Don’t you want me? Don’t you trust me?”

“Of course I do.”

“Then what?”

“Ryan.” I sighed. “You know what.”

“What, your powers? I’m so sick of you using that as an excuse.” Ryan’s voice sounded so resentful all of a sudden that it startled me, and I became defensive again.

“It’s not an excuse!”

“It
is
an excuse! Don’t tell me you can’t control your powers because we both know that you can.

Maybe not one hundred percent but enough. We’ve been fine for weeks. It’s just that this is finally turning into a real relationship, and you can’t handle it. You’re scared!” I was suddenly enraged, and I jumped to my feet. “Of course I’m scared! Have you forgotten that I nearly killed you yesterday? What if it had been
me
lying there unconscious in front of
you
? Would you be able to live with yourself if you ever hurt me like that?” This time it was Ryan that couldn’t meet my gaze. Tears poured down my angry face, and my body started to shake, but I had to keep talking. I had to make him understand, and there was only one way I could see to do that. I had to tell him the truth. I had to tell him the one thing I’d sworn I’d never tell another living soul. I figured he would hate me after that, but I didn’t see any other choice.

“I killed Derek!” I screamed through my tears. “Me! Not the truck, not the power lines,
me
!” I took a breath and lowered my voice. “The accident wasn’t even my fault,” I explained. “It was his.”

“What are you talking about?”

“That night Derek and I got into a huge fight, and I broke up with him.”

“What?”

I ignored the shock in Ryan’s voice. “He tried to argue but I took off running. Like I told you before, I beat him back to the car. When I started the car, he figured I was going to drive off and leave him stranded in the middle of nowhere. He dashed onto the road without looking first. The truck driver swerved to miss Derek and ended up hitting me instead. The accident—the toxic waste, the power lines, the explosion—it was Derek’s fault, and he watched it all from safely across the street.” I suddenly felt weak and had to sit back down. Ryan looked worried about me, but he kept his promise to my mom and stayed back. Even from across the room, though, I could see the look in his eyes. He was finally starting to get it.

“When I woke up I thought I was dead because nothing hurt the way it should, but then Derek was there, screaming my name. I climbed out of the car, and of course he rushed over and threw his arms around me. But I was so mad at him, and I was so frightened. When I started to electrocute him I didn’t even know what was happening. He just started screaming and shaking. He couldn’t seem to let go of me, and I couldn’t escape him. I was in shock. The way he looked and the smell… And then he just stopped screaming.”

I fell silent for a minute as I remembered the single most horrific moment of my life. “I had to pry myself out of his arms,” I sobbed when I could speak again. “Derek is dead because of me.
I
killed him.

I know it wasn’t my fault—I get that—but, Ryan, you have to understand that’s exactly why we have to stop this.”

For once in his life, Ryan was speechless, but surprisingly, that only made me feel worse. “It’s the only way I can be sure that I won’t hurt you like that,” I whispered.

After that I had to get out of there. I turned to leave and froze when I found my mother standing in the doorway to my room, completely shocked. I took one look at her horrified expression and the tears flowing down her cheeks, and I freaked out. “I’m sorry,” I cried. “I just never knew how to tell you.” I didn’t stick around for any kind of reaction from either of them. How could I? I didn’t want to hear what they would say. I couldn’t bear the looks on their faces. I just wanted to be alone.

* * * * *

I was so mentally exhausted that I didn’t have the energy to do anything but walk. I had no more fight in me. No Grand Canyon this time. No Miami Beach or Mount Rushmore. Just up my street and down the next.

Eventually I ended up in the park. It was deserted since the sun was starting to set, so I decided it was the perfect place to sulk, and found the nearest bench. I lay down, closed my eyes, and tried to empty my mind. But I couldn’t rid my brain of my problems until I felt a faint surge of energy pop up around me. It startled me, but it was only the street lamps turning on as it became dark.

I don’t know what happened then, but I just snapped. I couldn’t take it anymore. I hated the energy I felt. Hated it! No matter what I did or where I went, I couldn’t escape it.

My hands flew up, and with a frustrated scream, I pushed the energy away from me, sending it back to those lights with as much force as I was capable of. It was like pure rage shot out from the palms of my hands in the form of lightning bolts that went whizzing across the park.

I didn’t just burst the bulb of the lamppost I was aiming at—I blew the whole freaking pole out of the ground.

For a split second, the whole world came to a stuttering stop, and I blinked down at my hands. I’d not only controlled the lightning, but it somehow felt twice as powerful as it had at Ryan’s cabin. And I felt stronger too. I wasn’t fatigued like I’d been then. My muscles weren’t weak.

I didn’t know how I’d managed it, but I was sure I could do it again. Yeah, somewhere deep down I was vaguely aware of what I was doing. But it felt too good to release all that pent-up rage. Way too good. So before I knew it I had blasted two more streetlights.

The power was intoxicating. I mean, there I was in the middle of a public park, where anyone and their mother’s dog could have seen me, or even been severely hurt by my actions, but I hadn’t stopped to think about it. It was like I wasn’t in touch with reality anymore. At least not until I heard my name being called.

“Jamie!” Carter screamed frantically. “Stop it before you kill somebody!” He startled me so badly that I instinctively whirled around and let go another burst of lightning, which obliterated a small tree just to his left.

“Whoa, Jamie! It’s just me! Cut the pyrotechnics before someone sees you!” I looked in the direction Carter was pointing. A crowd was already gathering around the mess in the street, and now they were all squinting at me through the dark, trying to see what had blown up the tree.

Reality started to catch up to me and I panicked. My instinct to protect myself kicked in and without thinking I grabbed Carter and took off. Seconds later I was dropping him on the front steps of the school.

It took him a few minutes to recover from traveling at superspeed. And it gave me great satisfaction, twisted as it may be, when he hurled all over the bushes. It was enough of a distraction that I could finally think rationally again. Well, as rationally as I was capable of where Dave Carter was concerned.

“You do
not
want to mess with me right now, Carter!”

“I didn’t realize you had any control over the lightning stuff,” he said after wiping his mouth on his sleeve.

Not that I would have shot a lightning bolt through him any more than I would through Mike Driscoll, but like Driscoll, Carter didn’t know that, so I held my palm out in his direction. “You want to find out just how much control I have?”

Carter waved off my threat. “You’re not going to hurt me, Jamielynn. You don’t have it in you.” Okay, maybe he was a little smarter than Mike, but I wasn’t in the mood to play around, and his cockiness wasn’t cute like Ryan’s. Not even close. I had him pinned to the ground before he could blink, and he grunted beneath the pressure my fists were putting on his chest. “You’re so sure about that?”

“If I wasn’t,” he grunted, “I wouldn’t be here.”

I guess the man had a point. He obviously knew I could kill him if I wanted to. Just showing up in the first place was a way of calling my bluff. Still, I couldn’t just admit to my weakness. “You have thirty seconds to convince me not to prove you wrong.”

“I’m not here for a story. I’m trying to protect you.”

Now, that was just funny. Except I wasn’t laughing. “By selling me down the river in the name of science?”

Carter stopped struggling beneath my weight, and his eyes got huge.

“That’s right,” I said. “I know all about Visticorp.”

“You mean they contacted you?”

I didn’t understand the fear in his voice. “How much are they paying you?”

“They aren’t paying me, Jamielynn.”

“Why? They demanded proof first? If you think I’m going to let you give them anything on me, then you’re more delusional than Ryan.”

“Will you let me go so that we can talk?”

I debated his request for a minute. I really didn’t want to let him go, but I did need answers.

Besides, it wasn’t like he could run from me.

Carter got to his feet and brushed himself off, scowling at me the whole time. “Nice to see you being rational for once,” he grumbled.

He wasn’t the only one who could be cranky. “You’d better tell me what is going on right now, or I’ll get really irrational really quick.”

“I think we’re past the threats, Jamielynn,” Carter said dryly.

Sadly, I may have been getting better at controlling my power, but my temper? Um, yeah… That still needs some work. I’m embarrassed to say that Carter’s annoyed attitude was all it took for me to lose it. I let out a scream of frustration and then pushed him against the wall of the school.

All right, fine. I picked him up and threw him against the wall. But I didn’t hurt him. I just startled him. “I am so sick of your attitude! You come to
me
, and you act like
I’m
the one trying to ruin
your
life?”

“Well, you sure aren’t making it any better,” Carter grumbled, still a little breathless from his short flight. “You think I enjoy babysitting an obnoxious teenager all the time?” Obnoxious? Okay, maybe I had to give him that one. I wasn’t exactly the queen of pleasantries when he was around. But “babysitting”?

“Watching out for you? Covering for you?”

“How is contacting genetic research companies covering for me?”

“Jamielynn, they contacted me!”

“Right!”

“They did! And not for the first time either. Visticorp has been keeping tabs on you since I printed the story of your first accident. They stopped bothering me when I couldn’t find any evidence, but the moment you saved that gardener they came back. They’re sure of you this time, and they wanted me to get them proof.”

I have really got to work on my poker face. It probably wasn’t in my best interest to let Carter see how scared I was, but I was so stunned by his revelation that I gasped. My worst nightmare was coming true. There were people out there that knew. They knew and they wanted to study me. And this man was here to bring me in.

I staggered backward, and let the energy inside me boil until I could feel it whipping my hair wildly about my head again. I could feel it radiating off my skin, burning through my eyes, ready to attack at my command.

“Incredible,” Carter whispered as he scrambled to his feet.

“You’re not turning me in to them,” I warned, and this time, I wasn’t so sure that I wouldn’t hurt him.

Carter remained calm, though, ignoring my hostility. “I don’t want to take you to them,” he snapped.

“Then what
do
you want?”

“I told you. I want to help.”

“You’ve never been interested in helping anyone but yourself.”

“I met these guys, and they aren’t the kind of people you want to be involved with. Not even someone like you.”

I dropped my hand to my side, willing myself to be reasonable and listen to him. I asked the only thing my brain could come up with. “Why?”

“They’re rich, powerful, and like to play God. You wouldn’t be able to stop them by yourself.”

“But why would you help me? All you’ve ever wanted to do is expose me. They must have offered you a lot of money. Why not just take it?”

I was surprised by the expression that washed over Carter’s face. Guilt, anger, fear, and even remorse. All emotions I was sure the man was incapable of, and yet they were all right there, plain as day in his eyes. “Just trust me on this.” His unsteady voice was merely a whisper. “I’m here to help.” Yeah. Like I was going to trust him? He was totally hiding something. But I still couldn’t ignore how shaken he was. “And how do you plan to help me exactly?” Carter swallowed hard and then straightened his posture. “The only way I can think to stop them is for you to out yourself before they get their own proof and come for you.” I started to shudder at the “come for you” part until I realized exactly what he’d said. “Out myself?” I took a deep breath when I felt my rage creeping to the surface again. “Come clean? Tell the world my secret? And just how is that supposed to help me?”

“Jamielynn, I don’t think you understand how valuable you are. Even the guys at Visticorp don’t know the things you’re capable of. If you came forward, you’d be the most famous person in the entire world in a matter of minutes. No one would be able to touch you. The government would have to protect you.”

“What makes you think the government wouldn’t do everything these Visticorp guys plan on doing?”

“They wouldn’t be able to because you’d already be a celebrity. They’d want to claim you as their own. Show you off to the rest of the world.”

No way did I ever want that happening. “I think I’d rather take my chances with the mad scientists.”

“It wouldn’t be all bad. There’s definitely perks.” Carter slowly reached inside his jacket and pulled out a video tape. “This footage is worth so much more than Visticorp offered to pay me.
You’re
worth so much more. If you let me take you public, I could turn you into a star. I could make you rich beyond your wildest dreams. Your parents would never have to work again. Think about the possibilities.”

I was beginning to feel overwhelmed by the amount of energy pulsing through my body. The anger created by his lies was starting to push me over the edge. I clapped my hands sarcastically, and my voice shook as I fought to keep control. “You almost had me fooled. You reporters will say anything for a story.”

“Jamie, I’m serious. I’m not just—”

“Your thirty seconds are up,” I interrupted.

I was so angry that I turned on the juice and gave him just enough of a shock to writhe in pain for a minute. He never expected I would actually hurt him, so even though I didn’t do any real damage, the jolt broke his confidence.

When I saw the fear in his eyes, the thought of just finishing him off flashed through my mind.

After all, he was evil. He wanted to ruin my life. He wanted to out me to the world for his own fortune and glory. He’d tried once already and in a way succeeded. This time he had the proof that could destroy my family and my entire life forever, instead of just forcing me to relocate. All I had to do was push a tiny bit harder and my problem would be solved. I doubted that anyone would even miss him.

For one tiny second, the thought of killing him consumed me, and I knew he could see it in my eyes because the look on his face instantly turned to fear. “Please!” he coughed with what little breath he had. “You may have killed Derek, but that was an accident! You don’t want my blood on your conscience. You’re not a murderer, Jamie!”

Derek’s name, the image of him dying in my arms, his charred lifeless body resting at my feet, snapped me back to reality and brought reason back to my thoughts. Shocked by my actions, and the feelings of malice I was apparently capable of, I collapsed on the steps right there in front of my school, letting my tears flow freely.

I hated to cry in front of Carter. I hated giving him the satisfaction of seeing me vulnerable, but he was right. I didn’t want his blood on my hands. I’d never felt more confused or scared in my entire life.

The thing of it was, I wasn’t upset that I’d wanted to kill him. I was upset that I couldn’t. Here was a man who could destroy me, and as powerful as I was, there was nothing I could do about it. Even with superpowers I wasn’t strong enough to protect myself.

Knowing I was angry for not being able to do it made me feel awful. It made me feel like a monster even though Carter was still breathing. It made me wonder about Derek. Made me question whether or not I was glad he was dead. And if I was glad he was dead, then I may as well have been a murderer, accident or not.

While I sat there having a legitimate mental breakdown, Carter managed to get himself back on his feet and put the tape back inside his jacket. I wanted to swipe the tape and fry it right then and there, but knowing Carter, he’d made a copy. I didn’t know what other proof he had. I had to make sure that there was nothing else, so I got myself under control and played his game. I asked, “Can I think about it?”

“You don’t have much time, Jamielynn. If I don’t bring them something soon, they’ll send someone else.” I hated that he sounded sympathetic.

“You’re asking me to give up my whole life. Just let me sleep on it.” He looked at me for a moment and then released a deep sigh. Nodding reluctantly, he said,

“Tomorrow. Or I’ll release this tape with or without you.”

“How do I find you?”

“I’ll find you.”

Ha! He didn’t know who he was dealing with. I was the ice queen, remember? And if he was going to try to blackmail me, then I was going to put him on ice. “Tomorrow then,” I agreed coldly, and flew from his sight in a flash.

I was around the corner before he was done muttering, “Incredible” again, but I didn’t go any farther. I was on a mission now.

It wasn’t hard to follow him without being caught, and the stupid guy headed straight home. Nice place, by the way. Not. I thought I’d try to exploit me for money too if I were him. On the bright side, I didn’t feel too bad about ripping down the front door to get in after he left the house again. Not as though anyone was going to try to break in. Well, besides me, I guess.

It gave me the creeps to go inside. I’ve never really been one to break the law, but it’s a really good thing I followed my instincts this time. Carter had been watching Ryan and me for weeks. There were surveillance photos of me and my parents, me at school, and me and Ryan at the cabin. Pictures of basically everyone I interacted with at all—Paige, Mike, Becky, even Mr. Edwards. There was a whiteboard with what seemed to be a timeline or a schedule. There were all kinds of articles about my accident, and then one about the accident I tried to stop. Next to that one was a copy of the police report with certain parts highlighted.