Believe Like a Child (13 page)
T
he weeks that followed were hard for Alessa. She kept getting lost in memories of that terrible night she was raped, the sequence of events revisiting her dreams every night. She longed for so much more than a life of unwanted sex and now, crime. One of Harlin’s crew members, a boy called Jake, had begun driving her to work and back. And she couldn’t help but notice the sudden change in Brady, the Dollar Store manager. Inexplicably, he was being very nice to her and was always considerate of her needs. It was clear, of course, that the other women employees were annoyed about having to share the late shift again. Despite the dirty looks they threw her and the whispered gossip about Harlin, from which she was pointedly excluded, Alessa confined herself to her work. She found herself bogged down by the monotony of filling shelves and sweeping floors.
She was still staying in Harlin’s spare bedroom and over the last two weeks, Tasha had slept there with her every night. Alessa was beginning to feel normal again. Though a trace of guilt, the outcome of feeling partly responsible for the death of Tag and his gang member, still remained, she derived an odd sense of security from the thought of enjoying the protection of Harlin and his gang. Yet, it was from this very sense of security that feelings of doubt were born. How could she feel so safe amidst a flurry of crime and violence? Why did she feel more protected in the company of a murderer than with her own mother?
In another four months, she would be eighteen. Then she could finally do what she wanted to and live where she chose—legally.
One night, while they were lying in bed, Tasha rolled over on her side and looked at Alessa. “Listen,” she said, “that Dollar Store job ain’t doin’ nothing for you. You know how you like to dance and all? Well, there is this place where girls get
paid
to dance. And they make a lot of money. A good dancer can make about 1,500 dollars a week—tax-free. I was talking to Harlin about it and he said if you wanted to dance there, you could live here with him and he would provide you protection—you know, make sure you get there and back so you ain’t got to deal with public transportation.”
Curious, Alessa asked, “What do you mean they get paid to dance? Are you saying that I would be a stripper?”
Tasha laughed. “Well, when you put it that way, you make it sound dirty. It ain’t like that. I mean, you do have to strip, but they don’t allow you to dance naked in this club. Only topless. And,” she added quickly, “they don’t allow their dancers to have sex with their customers. So you’re not going to be under any pressure to do that. It’s not like being a prostitute. You are just providing entertainment. You got talent and you might as well use it to make real money.”
Alessa was silent for a long time. Finally she said, “Let me think about it.
Tasha smiled and wrapped her arms around her. “Sure, whatever you want. You think about it and let me know.”
The girls continued to gossip until they had both fallen asleep.
When Alessa woke up in the morning, Tasha was already up and out of bed. She lay there for a while, considering the proposal her friend had made the night before. Alessa didn’t really want to dance in a go-go bar. But if she could make 1,500 dollars a week, she calculated, it would come in useful for getting a plan together and moving on with her life. If she took up work at the club, she could study for her GED during the day and maybe even go to college and get a degree after that. Living with Harlin would allow her to save a lot of money with which she might even be able to buy a house of her own later. And maybe someday, she would actually meet a nice man, marry him and have his children. Everything seemed possible to her now. Although the thought of being a stripper was unappetizing, Alessa rationalized that at least she would be making good money doing something that wasn’t nearly as revolting as the things she had been forced into doing as a kid. Maybe she could even buy a car and get some decent clothes. She could turn her life around and show her mother and her Uncle Danny that she was capable of rising above the role to which they had condemned her—that of a house whore.
When Tasha came back into the bedroom, Alessa smiled up at her. “I was thinking,” she began, “that maybe I could use my dancing to make money. I want to go and see the place before I make a final decision, though.”
“That’s no problem,” Tasha assured her. “The only other thing is that you’ll have to pay Harlin half of what you earn to live here and have his protection.”
Alessa’s mouth dropped open. “But that could cost me 750 dollars a week—if I really do earn as much as you say I would,” she protested. “That’s a lot of money, Tasha!”
“I know, but you have to consider that it includes your rent and protection,” she carefully reminded her. “Harlin will make sure you get rides to and from work. He will also make sure that no one messes with you. You know better than anyone that men can be pigs.”
“I thought this place didn’t expect the dancers to have sex with the men that went there,” Alessa retorted.
“They don’t, but you also need to be safe when you leave after work. Sometimes, men get really turned on and they take it for granted that the feeling is mutual. Well, Harlin will make sure that once you leave Doubles, nobody bothers you. When the gangs in the neighborhood find out you’re dancing, they might think you’re willing to sell yourself. Harlin will make sure that no one gets dancing and prostituting mixed up, especially here on the streets.”
Alessa was clearly disappointed, now that she knew she would have to give up fifty percent of her earnings. The Dollar Store job was making her about 500 dollars a month, which meant that if she got to keep only 750 dollars a week from her income as a dancer, she would still be in a better place financially. It just might take her a little longer to save the money she had already spent in her head a few minutes earlier. Besides, she would be living with Harlin and that seemed to be working out. Alessa was starting to feel like part of a family at last. She had come to enjoy being with Harlin and his crew and they even called her by her name now. She figured she would give it a try, knowing if it didn’t work out, she could just quit.
“Where is this place, Tasha?” she asked.
She explained to Alessa that it was in Horsham, near a military base. It was close by, but far enough away from this neighborhood to ensure there would be less riffraff there. Alessa liked the idea of it being outside the city of Philadelphia. People seemed a lot tougher in the city than they were in Plymouth Meeting. Maybe the people in Horsham would be more like what she was used to. Alessa still felt out of place whenever she ventured outside Harlin’s house. She was afraid to make eye contact with people and they seemed less tolerant of just about everything. Alessa knew that this life, the life that had become hers, was enough to sustain her for now, but it would never be enough to fulfill her dreams.
The following night, Harlin and his crew took the girls to Doubles. As they walked in, Alessa observed that while there were girls dancing on the bar and on stage, the place had the ambiance of a regular bar. Men were sitting around, talking and drinking. The girls were up dancing and focusing their attention on the men who were giving them money. The staff behind the bar seemed friendly. It wasn’t dirty or sleazy, like Alessa had feared it would be. She sat on one of the bar stools next to Tasha and they both ordered beers. The bartender carded the girls who immediately flashed their fake IDs. Harlin was off talking with some of the other men in the bar. Every now and then, Alessa noticed, he would stuff a bill in a dancer’s thong.
They stayed for a couple of hours. Then they all piled into Harlin’s van and headed back to North Philadelphia. Back at his house, Harlin told Alessa, “I was talking to the bar manager tonight. He was checking you out and promised to give you an audition. I told him I would take you back there tomorrow night.” He handed Tasha 200 dollars and said, “Take her out tomorrow and buy her some costumes. Make sure you get her some really sexy stuff. I like those garter things that attach to stockings. Get stuff that matches and make sure it’s unique. Jay, the bar manager, is real picky about the girls he hires.”
For the first time since the subject had come up, something about the whole deal made Alessa feel cheap. Harlin was talking about her as if she weren’t a living being standing right there in his presence. And when she heard him giving Tasha instructions about the kind of costumes she should buy, a stab of fear ripped through her gut. What if Harlin forced her to do things she didn’t want to do? The reality of her new career, regardless of how much money she would make, was starting to sink in. She began to have doubts that she could actually get up on stage like the other girls for men to gawk at and pay her to put her ass in their faces. She did love to dance, but it hadn’t escaped her that the dancers at Doubles had to make it a point to dance exclusively for the men’s pleasure. Alessa had always danced for herself.
As Tasha accepted the money from Harlin, she was aware of how distant Alessa suddenly seemed. She suspected that her friend was probably overcome by doubt as to what she was about to do. Grasping her by the hand, Tasha said enthusiastically, “We are going shopping tomorrow and it’s going to be so much fun. Just think how hot you’re going to look in all the beautiful things we’ll be buying you!”
She shot Harlin a look that told him he had said something he shouldn’t have, but he wasn’t sure what exactly that was. He wasn’t used to women, other than his sister, being around. He was realizing, though, how sensitive Alessa was and it was beginning to wear on his nerves. He wanted her to do exactly what he had planned for her and stop her pouting. He had no intention of sugar coating anything. In fact, he didn’t give a fuck.
T
he next morning, Tasha took Alessa to Frederick’s of Hollywood to buy the things she needed for her audition that night. Tasha picked two outfits that she thought would blow them all away. The first was a white lace thong with a matching garter and white fishnet stockings. To offset all the white, she bought zebra-print pasties. The second costume was a pair of black-and-silver-striped panties that might as well have been a thong too. They sat low on Alessa’s hips and were cut so high in the back that they exposed her ass. Tasha also bought the matching stockings that came up just over the knee and topped it off with silver-and-rhinestone-studded pasties.
Both outfits were revealing enough to make Alessa a little uneasy, but she had a good time trying everything on. To soften the harsh reality underlying the purpose of the outfits, Tasha turned it into a game of dress-up. Happy with their purchases, the girls headed to a trendy shoe store where Tasha bought her a pair of five-inch zebra-print heels and a second pair of five-inch heels in silver, decorated with black studs. Alessa was laughing as she tried to walk in them. She felt like a small child wobbling about like a drunken sailor, as it took its first steps in life. Tasha reminded her to practice walking in them once they got home.
Back at Harlin’s, they rushed into the spare bedroom that was now Alessa’s room. Alessa immediately tried on the zebra print outfit, her favorite. Tasha yelled out for Harlin and he came into the room and studied Alessa critically. Standing under his penetrating gaze in a costume that left little to the imagination, she grew more uncomfortable by the minute.
Harlin turned to Tasha and said, “Go wait in the living room.”
By his tone, it was clear to his sister that this was an order, not a request. Alessa’s heart started to pound as Tasha left the bedroom, throwing her a glance over her shoulder. Harlin shut the door behind her and sat down on the bed. “Come over here and stand in front of me,” he ordered Alessa.
Oh God,
she thought,
this can’t be happening to me!
Had she been that stupid again? Alessa approached Harlin and stood two feet away, not daring to move a muscle.
“Come closer,” he commanded. “I want you to stand right here.” He pointed to the space between his legs as they hung over the edge of the bed. Alessa inched herself forward till she was standing close to his knees. Harlin suddenly lunged at her, grasped her by her bare ass with both hands and pulled her roughly toward him so that she was standing right between his legs, her knees grazing the side of the bed. His strong hands released her buttocks, only to cup both of her breasts. Then he slowly began exploring her body. She felt his hands sliding down to her waist and past her hips, until they were finally at her inner thighs. Alessa thought she would die when he instructed her to turn around, but she did as she was told. Harlin repeated the same kind of exploration, starting at her bare shoulders and moving down to her ass before finding his way to her inner thighs.
Then he stood up and said briskly, “I think you look okay. You’ll need to practice, though. I’ll send Tasha back in to fix your hair and put some make-up on your face. I want you out in the living room in fifteen minutes. You’re going to dance for me and my boys.”
Alessa felt as if someone had choked off her airway as she struggled to get air into her lungs. Tears welled up in her eyes.
Harlin noticed that at once. “Listen, none of that fucking bullshit!” he warned. “This is business and I need to make sure you’ll be able to convince Jay to hire you tonight. I don’t want any of that crying and looking all sad. I ain’t got the time or the patience for it. You understand?” When Alessa didn’t reply, he raised his voice and said sharply, “I asked you if you understood me!”
“Yes, I got it,” Alessa blurted out.
Harlin left the bedroom, satisfied that the girl was going to make him a lot of easy money. Hell, an extra 3,000 a month in his pocket just for driving her to work and back and letting her sleep in his spare bedroom! He was proud of his entrepreneurial capability. It wasn’t that selling weed didn’t make him good money, but this extra sum would help him expand into other things.
Once Tasha was back in the bedroom, she immediately asked her what had happened between Harlin and her. Alessa explained that he had just wanted to see how she looked. Tasha eyed her suspiciously.
“That’s it?” she asked a little skeptically.
“Yeah, that’s it. Now I need you to help me with my hair and make-up. Harlin wants me to practice dancing for him and his crew before we go back to see Jay tonight.”
As usual, Tasha worked her magic on Alessa, giving her a dramatic hairdo that made her look exotic, without robbing her of her innocence. She applied more make-up on her than she normally did, using liberal amounts of blue eye shadow and bright red lipstick. When Tasha was finished, Alessa thought she looked good, but a bit trampy. Tasha explained that if she was going to dance at an exotic club, she needed an edgier look than she usually sported. To add the finishing touch, Tasha gave her a pair of hoop earrings to wear.
Taken aback by their size, Alessa remarked, “But these are huge! They’re going to look stupid on me.”
“Trust me,” Tasha said confidently. “You need to wear big earrings. Everything you do in this job will have to be big. You need big hair, loud make-up, in-your-face jewelry and very high heels. The only thing that can’t be big is what you wear on your body.”
Painfully aware that all she had on was a thong and pasties, Alessa followed her out into the living room wearing a terry-cloth robe, which she clutched to herself for dear life. She had to resist the urge to turn around and run away, as the reality of what she was about to do hit her. Harlin’s crew was present in full force; no one was about to miss the big moment.
Harlin looked up at his sister. “Tasha, baby,” he said, “it’s time for you to go. I can take it from here.” When she protested, he silenced her with one gesture of his hand. “I said it’s time to go,” he repeated. “Everything will be fine. Trust me, it will be easier on everyone, especially Alessa, if you aren’t around at her audition. I’ll call you on our way back from Doubles and you can come back over then. Okay?”
Tasha reluctantly agreed. As she headed down Dauphin Street to sell weed for her brother, she wondered if she might have made a serious mistake in persuading Alessa to become a stripper.
Alone in a room full of staring men, Alessa began to feel dizzy with nervous anticipation. But before she knew it, there was music playing and Harlin was instructing her to climb up on the coffee table in the center of the room. When she did so and stood there frozen, he ordered, “Dance!” Alessa started to sway her hips and slowly, with the men watching her intently, she began to feel the rhythm pulsing through her body.
“Take off that robe, girl,” Harlin demanded. “Nobody wants to watch you swaying around in old-lady shit.”
Cringing with embarrassment, Alessa untied the sash around her waist and dropped the robe onto the floor.
At the sight of her nearly naked body, the men became instantly aroused. Some begged her for more. “Yeah, baby,” they pleaded, “remove that stuff. Take off that thong.”
Alessa looked at Harlin with pleading eyes. He shook his head, indicating that she was not to remove her thong. She continued to dance and was soon drifting into that mental state where, with her eyes closed, she could forget her surroundings and be completely at ease. It was as if the music possessed her. She was startled back to reality when she felt someone tug at the front of her thong. She opened her eyes swiftly and realized that one of Harlin’s boys had slipped a dollar under the strap. She continued to move to the music and one by one, the guys approached her and slid money into her thong. Some of them took the liberty of running their hands down her breasts or across her flat stomach before they pulled open the thong to insert their dollar bills.
Suddenly, she found Harlin right next to her. “You need to bend over, baby, and touch your toes,” he whispered. “Put your ass and that pussy in their faces. Then you’ll make some
real
money.”
Alessa carried out his instructions and the men groaned with excitement. But it was not enough for Harlin.
“I want you to lay on your back on the table and spread your arms and legs out sideways as far as they can go, like an X,” he demanded.
Alessa obeyed and at the sight of her open crotch, the men who were facing her had to struggle to hold themselves back from pouncing on her.
Harlin was not done, however. “Now turn over onto your belly and raise that ass in the air,” he ordered. “Shake it to the rhythm of the music and rotate yourself around the table so everyone gets some.”
The men were now sliding money in between her thong and her vagina. She felt a couple of them exploiting the situation to plunge their fingers inside her, as they did so. But with the memory of Harlin’s displeasure over her tears serving as a warning, she tried not to react, desperately pretending to be quite oblivious to what was happening. She reminded herself over and over again that it was all a part of the business she was in. Harlin too had noticed what his crew was up to. But he persuaded himself that if Alessa had decided to be in this profession, overtures of this kind had to be the outcome of a mutual understanding between stripper and client. Nobody was stealing anything from her. Besides, it was something she had to get used to.
When the music stopped, Alessa leaped off the table to snatch her robe up from the floor. But as she reached for it, Harlin grasped her by the arm. “No, it ain’t over yet,” he told her firmly. “Now we’re all going to have a couple of beers and you are going to move around the room and let the guys get a good look at you. When you mingle with them, they’ll be in the mood to give you more money when you’re dancing.”
Alessa moved through the room, feeling like a cheap whore, as she tried to make small talk with the boys. Some of them rubbed up against her as she passed; others touched her breasts or felt her ass. Finally, Harlin handed her a short silk robe and said, “We need to get going. Wear this robe instead. Used to belong to some girl I knew.”
Alessa sat in the backseat of the van, sandwiched between two of Harlin’s friends. One of them was rubbing her knee, while the other one squeezed the upper part of her inner thigh. Alessa prayed all the way to Doubles that she had made the right decision. Only a couple of weeks ago, these men were all protecting her; now they were treating her like their plaything. She couldn’t describe how sleazy she felt. The closer they got to the club, the more convinced she was that she had made a terrible mistake. After what had just happened in Harlin’s living room, she felt defenseless and vulnerable, a prey to anything these boys might want to do to her. As they pulled into the club’s parking lot, Alessa had no doubts at all that she was being taken to a new prison. She was about to embark on another dark and difficult journey.