Believe Like a Child (16 page)
T
o Alessa, Doubles seemed like a prison now, a prison where she was forced to fuck every sleazy bastard Harlin could find. Worst of all, though, was the fear that Jay would catch on. The number of lap dances she was doing now on a single shift far exceeded that taken on by the other girls. When she talked to Harlin about her share of the money, he told her curtly that she would be getting only fifteen bucks.
“I have to put a lot of work into getting these men lined up.” he told her with a brazenness that astonished her. “That’s worth at least seventy percent of the takings. As for you, all you do is show up.”
Knowing she could never win with Harlin, Alessa let it go. Having escaped from Uncle Danny’s clutches, she was back to feeling like a prisoner again. It was just like being at home once more with her uncle, only worse, because now she got paid to be sexually abused. Without her even realizing it, Harlin had transformed Alessa into a prostitute, bit by bit. She wanted to run away again, but wasn’t sure how to break free from Harlin’s grip. Besides, even if she could escape, was there any place left in the world that was safe for her to run to?
The morning after a long night at the bar, Alessa walked into the bathroom, still half-asleep. Pushing open the door, she came upon Harlin sitting on the edge of the bathroom tub, a belt fastened around the top of his arm, with one end clenched between his teeth to hold it tightly in place. His other hand was inserting the needle of a syringe, filled with his heavenly fluid, into his arm. Startled, she stood there watching him for a moment, wondering if she was still asleep and dreaming. He looked up at her and grunted for her to get out. She ran back into the hallway, stricken with fear. She realized then that she had to do something drastic to get out of his house and his life. She also knew that the fact that she supplied the money to support his habit would make it that much more difficult for her to escape.
Things at the bar had changed. Rumors were flying around about Alessa’s lap dances and she could tell that both Jay and Shiver were on to what she was doing. Shiver suspected the truth: that Harlin was making her have sex with the men. And Jay, as she knew, had zero tolerance for employees having sex with customers.
On a busy Friday night, Alessa had just begun to mingle with the clients in the bar after her dancing was over. Harlin had already lined up more men for the lap dances than Alessa could handle. When the first guy, now a regular customer, approached her, she led him to the room where the performances took place. She had danced for no more than ten minutes when the man shoved his penis into her. At that very moment, the door flew open and there stood Jay.
He was angry and outraged that she had jeopardized the reputation of his bar and disgusted that she had turned out to be nothing but a whore. He ordered her to gather her costumes and leave.
“Don’t ever set foot in this bar again!” he told her.
A flood of tears began to roll down her flushed cheeks, as Alessa walked back to the dressing room to collect her belongings. She noticed Jay out on the floor, standing close to Harlin and motioning to his bouncers to escort him to the door. By the time she reached the dressing room, Alessa was crying so hard she had to gasp for air. The other girls were trying to comfort her, as Shiver came busting through the dressing-room door minutes later.
“Why, Alessa?” she asked. “Why would you do this? You knew the rules. Besides, you’re made for better things than that. You don’t have to sell these pigs sex.”
Alessa looked into her eyes and said, “I’m in big trouble, Shiver. Harlin is going to kill me. He’s shooting cocaine and he made me do this for the money he needs. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I don’t know how to escape him now. He’ll just keep on making me dance at the bars where the girls are expected to do more for their clients.”
Shiver understood Alessa’s plight. She too had been in the same predicament when she was younger. Unfortunately, Alessa would need to figure things out for herself. Shiver didn’t want any trouble at this stage of her life. She had escaped her own “Harlin” when she was in her early twenties. She tried her best to muster up an encouraging smile and said to her, “You need to be strong. Find a way to move on. You need to be very careful, though, because once they’re shooting that shit, they become very unpredictable. He is going to panic tonight, because he knows that the money he was making off you is gone—here at this bar, anyway.”
Alessa’s bloodshot eyes widened with fear.
“Listen, Alessa,” Shiver went on. “Be prepared. Harlin is going to turn you out on the streets, until he can get you into another go-go bar. The first time he puts you out there, you need to keep going. Don’t stop and don’t look back. Just keep going.”
Alessa understood exactly what she meant. She had done it before, when she left her own home. Now there was more uncertainty in store for her.
The two women embraced for a long time. When they parted, Shiver said, “I love you.” She knew she wouldn’t see Alessa ever again and hoped she would follow her advice. She knew everything would be harder for Alessa. She needed to start over. This meant facing the unknown, having nowhere to go and not knowing whom to trust.
For Alessa, the ride home with Harlin was filled with apprehension. Normally, she would be embarrassed that he yelled at her in front of his crew, but tonight, she was glad for their company. She was afraid that Harlin might actually kill her in his fury. He blamed her for everything. He told her she was a stupid loser and she would need to make it up to him. The next part she had already anticipated, because Shiver had warned her.
“Your ass will be out on Dauphin Street tomorrow night, you get it?” he seethed. “Now you’ve made my job harder, because I got to keep you safe on the streets. You’re a little bitch for what you did to me tonight! And that little prick, Jay, is a fucking asshole! He will pay for treating me that way.”
Ten minutes into the car ride, Alessa mentally shut off Harlin’s abuses. She was already planning her escape. She had managed to save 4,000 dollars of her dance money. That gave her enough to leave the following night and start over again. She realized she hadn’t talked to Zoe in months and silently scolded herself for being so self-centered.
When they got back to Harlin’s, she immediately went into her bedroom and continued to plan her exit. About an hour later, Tasha came in and sat on the bed. She looked at Alessa and said, “I heard what happened. I figured he was making you do those things. I’m sorry, Alessa. I did not want this to happen.”
Alessa sat down on the bed next to Tasha and put her arm around her. “It’s not your fault,” she said soothingly. “No one is to blame, but Harlin. He is shooting the cocaine now.”
Tasha stood up quickly. “What? Are you sure?”
Alessa told her about what she saw in the bathroom. She also told Tasha everything, starting from the first lap dance Harlin had made her perform, to the scumbags at the bar and their antics and how Harlin had handled all the “business”. Tasha listened, appalled to discover the truth about her brother, but not entirely surprised. She was aware of the big changes that had taken place in him over the last several months.
Alessa then told her about Harlin’s plan to turn her out on the streets the following night.
“He told me tonight on the ride home,” she said. “I can’t do it, Tasha. I need to move on. Please don’t tell him or he will kill me. You understand, don’t you?”
Tasha hugged her. “Yes, I do.”
Her confirmation that Harlin could, indeed, kill her, if things didn’t go his way, sent a chill up Alessa’s spine. She confided in Tasha about her plan to leave the next night, when she knew Harlin wouldn’t see her. Tasha agreed to help divert his attention to give her enough time to make her escape.
Alessa packed a small duffle bag of clothes and threw it outside her bedroom window. As Tasha was leaving, she picked up the bag, planning to bring it back to her the following night. Before Alessa went to sleep, she pulled a shoebox, where she kept her money, from under the bed. She opened it, only to find it empty. As she stared at its bare cardboard lining, her heart sank. That motherfucker had stolen all of her money!
She took out her purse to count how much she had made that night. She had just under 200 dollars from dancing and another 150 that she had stashed away for emergencies. She knew that 350 dollars wasn’t much, but it was enough to get her out of North Philly. She had learned a lot since she first arrived here. She was no longer scared of the streets or the people in them. She had learned that most people were harmless, that they were more unfortunate than dangerous. Alessa had seen much during her short stay and knew she would find a way to move on.
T
he next morning, Harlin barged into Alessa’s bedroom without knocking and declared, “Tonight when we go out, I want you wearing something real sexy. I already have some guys lined up. These are people I can trust. So I ain’t worried you’re gonna get hurt.”
Alessa pretended to pay attention to him, but nothing he said mattered any longer. With the help of his own sister, she would be long gone. She stared silently at him as he droned on. But with every word that emerged from his pie hole, her mind was screaming:
fuck you, fuck you, fuck you!
Tasha came over at dinnertime and the two girls went out for a quick bite. They went over their plan again. Tasha told her that a cab would be waiting for her. She should get in and take it to Broad Street, where another cab would be waiting to take her to the corner of Juniper and Arch Streets in Philadelphia. There she would find a homeless shelter that took in women and children only. Tasha assured her it would be a safe place to stay for a couple of days. Alessa was immensely grateful to her for all the help that she provided. The two would miss each other a lot once they parted, but they realized it wouldn’t be safe for them to be in touch, because if Harlin found out they had worked together to thwart his plans, he would kill them both.
As promised, Harlin yelled for Alessa to come out at nine o’clock that evening. When she stepped into the living room, he looked her over carefully. She was wearing a red midriff top with black shorts that sat on her hip bones. At Harlin’s command, she turned around. The shorts revealed the cheeks of her ass. Her five-inch black patent-leather boots rose to a point just above her knees. Harlin nodded with approval.
“Let’s get going,” he said. “I have your first client set for ninety-thirty, but I want you out there for others to have a long, hard look at. Once you’re done with the first guy, they’ll be rushing to line up for their turn.”
Alessa nodded, confirming that she had understood his point. When they got out on the street, Harlin told her on exactly where to stand. “When the first guy shows up, you take him up that alley,” he directed, pointing to one midway down the block.
Alessa got out of the car and stood on the sidewalk. Before driving off, Harlin told her he was going to score some weed and would be back. He assured her there was no need to worry about her first customer, since he knew him well.
Once he had pulled out and disappeared down the street, Alessa headed toward the location where Tasha had told her the first cab would be waiting. When she got there, Tasha was standing by the cab, waiting anxiously for her. Tears streamed down Tasha’s cheeks as she handed Alessa her duffle bag. They embraced in silence, too overwhelmed by the moment of parting to speak.
Alessa got in the cab and rolled down the window. “Tasha,” she murmured tearfully, “I love you. I will never forget you.”
As the cab pulled away, she realized that despite the fact that Harlin had turned out to be another nightmare, she would always remain connected to his sister.
Reaching Broad Street, the driver pulled up behind a second cab. Alessa got out and climbed into the other cab. This time, the driver took her to the corner of Juniper and Arch Streets. She paid the driver and stepped out into the cool night air. She looked around at the buildings and absorbed the impressions the people walking by on the streets made on her. Everyone here looked normal. She headed up Arch Street, just as Tasha had directed her to, and noticed a large brick building decorated with a bright floral mural on its side. It wasn’t until she reached its front door that she discovered that the beautiful mural belonged to her final destination: the Eliza Shirley Shelter. Like many of the buildings in the area, its windows were guarded by thick iron bars, but at least it looked safe.
Alessa climbed the steps, then murmured a quick prayer, before walking in. She hoped she had done the right thing by coming here. She pressed a small button to the right of the door, heard a buzzer go off inside and waited anxiously for something to happen. Finally, after what seemed like five minutes, she heard the door’s inside lock click open. She pushed through and headed up the stairs. There she found a small, stout woman sitting behind a gray metal desk. Alessa’s eyes met hers. The woman’s serene expression exuded a deeply reassuring quality as she approached her visitor and introduced herself as Sam, the night manager.
“Short for Samantha,” she explained. “And how are you tonight, honey?” she went on. “You doing all right?”
Dressed the way she was, Alessa was immediately taken aback by the woman’s non-judgmental attitude. Sam hadn’t even noticed or seemed not to care that she looked like a prostitute. Had Alessa been wearing a Chanel suit, she would have treated her in the same manner. She relaxed immediately as the tension of her escape from Harlin seeped out of her.
“My name is Alessa,” she told Sam. “I don’t have anywhere to stay tonight and was wondering, hoping, that I might be able to stay here.”
Sam’s smile faded. She took Alessa’s hand gently in hers and said, “I’d love to help you out, but we can’t take anyone in after ten p.m. It’s already eleven o’clock. I feel like breaking the rules for you, but I can’t. But listen, I want you to come back here tomorrow morning at eight. The day manager, Ebby, will be here. Tell her I told you to come back, okay?”
Visibly disappointed and worried about where she would go that late at night, Alessa had little choice but to sheepishly agree. She turned to Sam. “I would like to change out of these clothes. Is there a bathroom I can use? I don’t want to be out on the streets tonight dressed like this… Please?”
Sam had worked at the Eliza Shirley Shelter for almost twenty years. She was well aware of the kind of hardships people like Alessa had endured. Reaching over, she gave her a hug.
“Of course,” she said. “Let’s go to the ladies’ shower room. You can take a quick, hot shower and change out of your clothes.”
Alessa followed Sam down a long hallway and into the shower room. It was well lit and clean. Sam handed her a towel and pointed her toward the shower.
“I’ll stay out here on the bench. I can’t leave anyone who isn’t a resident unattended,” she explained apologetically.
Alessa was relieved that Sam would be nearby as she showered in this unfamiliar place. As she allowed the water to stream down her body, panic gripped her again. Where she would stay for the night, she asked herself. With only 350 dollars, she couldn’t afford to stay at a hotel. That she knew.
Anxiety continued to gnaw at her, as she dried herself with a towel and put on a warm baggy jogging suit and sneakers. She thanked Sam for her kindness and the two headed back to the front entrance. Just before Alessa left, Sam put her hands on her shoulders.
“Remember,” she reminded her, “eight, tomorrow morning. Ebby will be waiting for you. I’ll make sure of it. Be safe tonight. And you be careful where you sleep. Don’t eat or drink anything that someone might try to offer you. Eight, tomorrow morning, you hear?”
Alessa gave her a small smile and headed down the front steps. Once back on the sidewalk, she reminded herself it was almost midnight. She only had eight more hours to go, until she could come right back to the shelter. As she headed down Arch Street in search of a safe place to camp out, Alessa noticed the fenced-in parking lot right next to the shelter. With her duffle bag on her back, she climbed over the fence and made her way in. Rows of mostly white vans were parked inside the lot. Alessa headed to the far corner of the building where she would be concealed by the vans. That way, she could stay out of sight for the night.
Alessa threw her duffle bag into the corner of the brick building and sat down on the pavement. Its hard, cold surface sent a shiver through her body and she pulled her knees up to her chin and huddled for warmth. As alone and scared as she was, she knew she was in a better place. Being out in the cold in this parking lot, she felt, was certainly an improvement on how she had lived over the last nine months. Once her body had grown numb from the cold ground beneath her, she found herself retreating to her mental space. Given the life she had lived from childhood, she feared that after she died, her place would be in hell. She tried to focus on what her life would be like in six months’ time, but couldn’t seem to visualize it. All she could think of was this moment and those she had left behind.
The sound of passing cars comforted her as she huddled against the corner of the building. It was a reminder that there were other people on earth and that perhaps, she wasn’t as alone as she felt. She listened, as the city continued to move even in the dark of night. She heard students, not much older than her, hustling through the cold night air, giggling with glee on their way home from a party. Two homeless men passed by, stopping only to argue over the last swig from a bottle of liquor. The city was alive, but Alessa felt dead.
Then without warning, a thought struck her and she found herself paralyzed with hopelessness. She realized that if she were to drop dead then and there, no one would miss her. The harsh reality of her situation overwhelmed her and fear seized her in its tentacles. She did the only thing she could in the circumstances; she blocked out her thoughts and focused on the darkness so that she could sleep.
By six in the morning, an exhausted Alessa had drifted in and out of several short naps. The sun was starting to rise and with it, she told herself, would come a new life. She was going to do whatever it took to have a better life. By six-thirty, Alessa had picked up her duffle bag and climbed back over the fence onto the pavement. She spotted a small café down the block and went in to get breakfast. She figured that on a new day, with the promise of a new life stretching before her, she could at least treat herself to a real breakfast.
The aroma of bacon and freshly brewed coffee greeted her as she pushed open the café door. She ordered a lavish breakfast and silently told herself, before she took her first bite of pancake, “Today, I will start my life over. And tomorrow, I will build on today and carry on in the same way every day thereafter.”
At eight a.m. sharp, Alessa buzzed her way back inside the Eliza Shirley Shelter. A tall woman with soft, wavy black hair approached her with a big smile. “Let me guess: you’re Alessa. Right?”
Alessa smiled broadly. “Yes, I am. I guess Sam told you I was coming?”
“Of course! I’m Ebby and I am the day manager here. I am also a therapist for the young women who come to stay here. How about some breakfast?”
“No, thank you. I’ve already eaten,” Alessa said politely.
Ebby could see the girl was tired and figured she hadn’t slept well the night before. “Did you stay out on the streets last night?” she asked.
Alessa answered somewhat bashfully. “Yes, I did. It was a long night and I didn’t get much sleep. I was kind of scared something might happen, if I fell asleep.”
“Well, come on, then,” Ebby said. “I’ll let you lie down for a couple of hours. When you wake up, we can talk. I will get all the information I need from you then. Okay?”
Alessa nodded, unable to prevent the tears from welling up in her eyes. “I’m sorry,” she apologized, “I’ve never been in a shelter before. I’m not sure what will happen or how this will help me.”
Ebby put her arm around her. “First, you sleep,” she suggested gently. “And then we will talk all about the options open to you.”
Ebby led her into a sparsely furnished office. In the corner sat a cot. She pointed to it and said, “Now go and sleep. I will be back in a couple of hours. And Alessa, it’s okay to let yourself relax. It’s perfectly safe here.”