Believe Like a Child (19 page)
A
lessa couldn’t believe her ears. Ebby was actually taking her home with her! Of course, she admired Ebby very much and knew that she was fond of her too, but allowing a shelter resident into her own home was something else. She wondered why Ebby gave a damn about her. After all, she was used to spending every day of the week with homeless people, coming across drug addicts, alcoholics, prostitutes and single mothers in her line of work. It just didn’t make sense to Alessa.
She quietly reflected on the matter for a moment before speaking. “Ebby,” she said, “the first day I arrived at the shelter, I realized that no one in the world would miss me if I died. I want to be the kind of person people will miss, when I’m gone.”
Ebby smiled. “That’s certainly a worthy goal, Alessa, but no one is dying today.” She was silent for a while, before she spoke up again. “You know, Alessa,” she said, “it sounds like your sister, Rosabella, would have helped you if she could. I hope you have realized this. She just isn’t in a position to do so at this point in her life. She needs a lot of help herself. But I think it’s important for you to recognize that you have connected with a member of your family who genuinely cares for you. There is at least one of them out there who wants you to be a part of her life. You see that, don’t you?”
Alessa nodded. “My mother fucked us up so much,” she said. “She is such a manipulative bitch! She raised us as if we were nothing more than meal tickets, whether it was collecting food stamps on our behalf or selling me to Uncle Danny. I think when she gave birth to us, she was just too ignorant to understand what having children meant. You know, the commitment, time and love that need to be devoted to a child. What I can’t forgive, however, is my mother’s failure to protect me from her brother, even after I told her what was happening.”
“Well, you don’t need her right now,” Ebby reminded her. “Nor do you need to dwell on her.” Then to lighten the mood, she added, “Consider her nothing more than the host that carried you into the world. Now it’s up to you to make something of your life.”
Both lapsed into silence for the rest of the ride to Ebby’s home in Folsom, Pennsylvania. The car pulled up on the side of a small, one-story home. A rustic bay window overlooked the front of the house and the front door was flanked on either side by small patches of garden, where flowering shrubs grew in profusion. Alessa was somewhat surprised to discover how tiny Ebby’s home was, certainly no larger than an apartment. But as she entered, the place looked warm and inviting. A fireplace opened into the small living room on one side and into the kitchen on the other. Alessa just loved the fireplace. Ebby showed her the guest bedroom. Then they went into her kitchen for iced tea.
They sat there for hours and talked. As Alessa disclosed more details of the experiences she had lived through with her awful mother, Uncle Danny and Harlin, it confirmed Ebby’s belief that the girl was far more vulnerable than she let on. Alessa had cultivated an overconfident façade that was part of the hard, protective shell she used as a shield against the world. But behind it was a tender young girl who would sometimes break down and let her pain show.
At five o’clock that evening, Ebby’s husband, Ryan, came home from work. It had never struck Alessa that Ebby could be married. She wondered now if she had children as well. As Ebby introduced her guest to her husband, Alessa noticed how Ryan’s brow furrowed and his jaw clenched. She excused herself and went to her room to rest before dinner, snuggling up under the handmade quilt that covered the guest bed. Alessa’s instinct told her that she wouldn’t be able to stay at Ebby’s for more than a couple of days and should mentally prepare herself for what came next. While worrying about all the uncertainty she faced, she fell asleep.
At six-thirty p.m., Ebby came in to wake her up. Dinner with the couple was wonderful, although Ebby did all of the talking.
After dinner, the three of them sat in the living room.
“So what are your plans for the immediate future, Alessa?” Ryan asked her.
Events had overtaken her so swiftly that Alessa hadn’t really had the time to deliberate on her next move. So she talked to Ebby’s husband about what she thought would be the right thing to do under the circumstances.
“Well,” she began, “I was thinking that if everything goes well and Harlin stops looking for me, I could go back into the city and stay at a different shelter. I was reading some pamphlets at the shelter and found out that the Philadelphia Housing Authority has apartments that people can live in. I don’t know the details as yet, but I was wondering if I could live there for a while. After I get my GED and a job, I can probably afford to move out and rent an apartment on my own.”
“Well, that certainly sounds like a good use of my tax dollars!” Ryan barked. He was watching Alessa, waiting to see her reaction.
Alessa realized, to her dismay, that he was being sarcastic. After all she had been through, she couldn’t take this lying down. “Why are looking at me like I’m guilty of something?” she shot back. “What the fuck am I supposed to do? It’s the only plan I have right now, okay?”
There was both irritation in Ryan’s voice as he countered, “I wasn’t making fun of you. I was just stating my opinion. It’s not easy for someone like me to have to pay for everyone else to live their lives the way they want to, but you wouldn’t know about that, would you?”
Alessa exploded. “Actually,” she retorted, spitting out the words, “I
do
know what it’s like. I had to fuck my uncle so my family could pay the bills!”
At that, Ryan rolled his eyes. “On that note, I’m off to bed,” he announced. He shot Ebby a look of annoyance on his way to the bedroom, but she seemed totally unaffected by his antics.
“Well,” she said to Alessa when her husband was out of earshot, “Ryan has managed to rub you the wrong way. I’m sorry he was so rude to you.”
Alessa looked remorseful. “I’m sorry too, Ebby,” she replied softly. “I was really rude to him wasn’t I? But I couldn’t help losing my temper. He made me feel like a piece of trash. I’m so tired of taking shit from people!”
“Ryan just doesn’t understand, Alessa.” Ebby said in his defense. “He can’t figure out what motivates me to work at the shelter. And he certainly will never understand what it’s like to live the kind of life you have so far. He just can’t relate to it, which annoys and frustrates him. I wish I could tell you that he’ll come around eventually, but that’s not a promise I can make on his behalf. I’m still holding out hope that someday, he will have more empathy for other people.”
“I don’t understand what you mean,” Alessa said, bewildered. “Why would he need to come around? What does he think of people like me?”
Ebby was forthright. “Ryan believes that people willingly get themselves into bad situations, not that he doesn’t have sympathy for a helpless victim of sexual abuse. In fact, he condemns your uncle’s behavior. But he isn’t entirely convinced you were forced into prostitution at the go-go bar. On the contrary, he thinks that by working at the go-go bar in the first place, you allowed yourself to be exploited. I would do anything not to hurt your feelings or to cause you more pain, but I feel you should know that as you go ahead with your life, you will come across both supportive people and those who think you deserved what you got.”
Alessa hurried to justify all she had done, but Ebby stopped her.
“There is no need to justify yourself to anyone, Alessa,” she told her firmly. “I’m just trying to prepare you for what you might have to face in the future. Certain people will regard you in a negative light. If you allow their views to influence your own opinion of who you are, you will always live on the defensive and never allow yourself to realize your full potential. Better to have learned the truth here and now, where it’s safe, rather than in an alien and hostile environment. Do you understand what I’m trying to say?”
“Yeah, I get it,” Alessa replied. “I guess some people are just pricks. They can’t see past their own noses to have any concern for how other people have to live. Whatever! I think you’re great, Ebby, but your husband is a jerk-off.”
Ebby laughed until her belly hurt.
T
he next morning, the phone rang at Ebby’s house. She rushed to answer it. It was the shelter. Alessa listened to Ebby’s side of the conversation and realized that something serious had happened. She heard her ask if Sam, the day manager, was doing okay and what hospital she was in. She asked about the other residents before hanging up the phone.
“Well, that was Jon,” she told Alessa. “Apparently, Harlin showed up at the shelter yesterday afternoon, while the two police officers that were guarding the shelter went to grab a bite to eat just down the block. Harlin was pretty wild. When he confronted Sam and she kept denying you were there, he stabbed her in the right shoulder. Fortunately, Harlin was still there, when the two police officers got back. One of the officers had to fire on him when he pulled out a gun. Harlin was shot in the left thigh. Both he and Sam are in the hospital.”
Alessa stared at Ebby in disbelief. “How is Sam doing?” she asked, concerned. “Oh my God, Ebby, can I go and see her? This is all my fault! If I hadn’t gone to the shelter, she wouldn’t have gotten stabbed.”
Ebby assured her that Sam was fine. Jon had said she was in stable condition. While the knife wound was deep and had torn through nerves and muscle, she was not in any imminent danger.
“You won’t be able to visit her, though,” Ebby told her, “because Harlin is in the same hospital, until they move him out to a prison to await trial for assault with a deadly weapon. We don’t know if any of his gang will be around looking for you and we can’t take the risk. If they find out you had been at the shelter, they may head there for revenge. Sam never let on that she knew you or that you were ever at the shelter. It would be safer for everyone concerned, if you didn’t visit her. I’m getting dressed to go to the hospital now. I will let Sam know you were asking about her.”
Consumed by guilt, Alessa hung her head and headed back into her bedroom. She felt dreadful about the whole incident. Then her thoughts went to Tasha and she began wondering what might have happened to her. She must have told Harlin of her whereabouts. Otherwise, he wouldn’t have known where to look for her. Alessa didn’t bear Tasha any grudges for betraying her location to her brother. She had lived with Harlin long enough to be convinced that he would destroy anyone who failed to comply with his demands, even Tasha.
While Ebby was out at the hospital visiting Sam, Alessa called Information and got Tasha’s home phone number. She dialed it and nervously waited for someone to answer. Finally, after four rings, Tasha’s mother picked up the phone. Alessa asked for Tasha.
When she heard her friend’s voice on the phone, Alessa choked up for a moment. Then she managed to say, “Tasha, it’s Alessa. How are you? Is everything okay?”
“Yeah girl, I’m doing fine,” she assured her. “Harlin ain’t doing so good, though. He got shot in the leg and now he’s gonna have to stand trial for assault with a deadly weapon on some woman who works at the shelter. My mom and dad are a mess about what happened to him. Were you there when it happened?”
“No, I wasn’t,” Alessa replied, “after you called, the staff got me out of there pretty quick. They were worried Harlin would go looking for me. Right now, until I figure out what to do next, I’m staying for a couple of days at the house of one of the therapists.”
“Listen,” Tasha said, “don’t call me for a while, okay? Just ’cause Harlin is going to be locked up don’t mean his boys will be. They will be trying to hunt you down. They’re all crazy right now, with Harlin gone and him getting shot and all. It’s better if you just hang low and do what you need to do. It ain’t that I don’t love you and I really miss you too, but this is just a fucked-up time for me and my family. Even though Harlin is alive, we’re all mourning his loss. He just ain’t the same person no more. Maybe jail will help clean him up, but my mom and dad are worried it’ll just make him worse. He’s been treating my parents real bad too. Like I said, it’s all fucked up. I have to go. You take care of yourself, okay?”
Disappointed that Tasha wouldn’t be able to talk with her anymore, Alessa sighed. “Okay, Tasha,” she said morosely. “Thanks for warning me yesterday. I hope everything works out for you and your family. ’Bye.”
Ebby came home with heartening news: Sam was doing well and in good spirits. “They have her pretty hyped-up on painkillers. So she doesn’t really care about anything right now.”
“Can I go back to the shelter now?” Alessa asked forgetting everything Tasha had just warned about Harlin’s gang looking for her, “I mean, if Harlin is in prison, I think it should be safe, right?”
Ebby shook her head. “No, Alessa,” she said, “it would be too dangerous, both for you and for everyone else at the shelter. We’re going to have to figure out something else. Maybe there’s another relative or friend you can stay with in the long run? Otherwise, we may have to get you to a shelter outside the city. Let’s look into it and see what options you have, okay?”
The next day, Alessa devoted all her time to finding a place to live in. She felt like a displaced person and on edge. Ebby was at the shelter, working during the day. By the time she got home for dinner that night, Alessa was happy to talk with her. Ryan was proving to be the arrogant son of a bitch the girl had suspected him to be from the time she met him. He constantly corrected the way she spoke and criticized her clothes as too revealing, suggesting she should dress more modestly. At night, Alessa could hear him arguing furiously with Ebby about allowing her to stay there.
“I don’t understand, Ebby,” she would overhear Ryan say. “Why do you have to bring this trash into our home? When the hell is she going to leave? She just about had Sam killed by her pimp, for God’s sake! It’s insane for you to let her stay here with us.”
Ebby’s reply was calm, but assertive. “Ryan, you know this is the work I do. I’m sorry that she had to come here, but only because you have such a problem with it. I do not have a problem with it. I can only hope that someday, you will realize just how fortunate you were to have lived such a normal life. Not everyone is that lucky, Ryan. Where is your compassion?”
“My compassion is for my family, for you and your well-being, not for some hooker you took in off the street. How do we even know she won’t rob us? What if she has some foul disease?”
Ebby’s voice began to falter as she said, “Listen, Ryan, I need a couple more days. Once we get a place for her to stay, she’ll move on and you won’t have to deal with it anymore. You know that won’t change a thing about how I feel toward that poor girl. Ryan, she is different from the others I’ve worked with over the years. There is something special and very tragic about her and the awful hand life has dealt her. Don’t you have any empathy for her at all?”
“Actually, I don’t,” Ryan said brusquely. “I feel sorry about what happened to her when she was a child. It must have been a truly horrible time for her. But now she’s a grown woman and she hasn’t made any significant effort to turn her life around. Why do you always get drawn to the underdogs? Just once, I’d like to see you engage with someone of your own caliber and class, Ebby.”
After that, there was silence. Alessa heard the bathroom door slam shut and figured that Ebby had stormed away, needing time alone to cool off. Sitting in a chair by the bedroom window, she regretted causing trouble between Ebby and her husband. She knew she would have to move on the next day. Alessa decided she would get in touch with some shelters in Norristown, back out near Plymouth Meeting, and get the hell out of Ebby’s home before she ruined her life too.