Bellona (Part 1.5 of The Saskia Trilogy) (2 page)

“The boy?” he questions.

“I suggest you get rid of
all
of the evidence.” I take a step back, keeping my eyes on his face.

“Do you understand?” I ask.  Marcus nods, looking back at the servants. I have to leave before I kill Ace; his cries are too much. I want to silence him, but instead I walk steadily from the dungeon and make my way back to my room.

Once I enter my room I sit on the armchair staring at my hands. Blisters have broken out from where I had held the whip, my mouth waters when I think of what I have done.  A sob chokes from my throat and I cry for what I have done, for what I am capable of doing. Falling to my knees, I join my hands in prayer. “God please forgive me.” I cry harder to the empty room, to the unforgiving God, to no-one. No-one. Never anyone. I meet my eyes in the full-length mirror. My hair has come loose from its clasp, my white dress has flecks of blood all over it, my face red, eyes swollen.

“Don’t look at me,” I snarl at my reflection, hating what I see. I crawl quickly on all fours until I am face to face with this monster.

“You killed her, you killed her!” Wide hysterical eyes shine back at me. I can’t stomach her anymore. I lash out with my fist and the glass cracks, multiplying the monster that stares back at me. I scream, my fingers dig into the glass, pulling it from its frame. Small pieces tumble into my lap. But I continue to pull, not wanting to see the monsters twisted lips, or its wide eyes. Blood runs across the glass, smearing the image. I stop pulling shards and run my bleeding hands across the glass until everything is red and then I start to scream, pulling my hair with bloody hands.

“Help me!!” I roar. “Help me.” My throat burns from the screams. I roar for a long time until the door opens. I turn to my mother, my hands outstretched. “Help me.” I sob. She shakes her head in disgust then looks at my mirror and then back at me.

“You’re getting blood everywhere.” She turns away. “Corona,” she calls a servant in. “Clean her up,” is all she says and leaves, while I sit there trembling and feeling empty, so very empty.

Chapter Two

                                          The First Meeting

I stay in my room for a week, refusing food and refusing to meet the servant’s eyes as they come and go. The fire is lit at night, cleaned out in the morning; drapes open and close, food is brought and cleaned up. All the while I lie in bed refusing to move, refusing to speak. It is on the eighth day that my mother arrives to open the drapes herself. She moves to the end of my bed her nose crinkled as she stares at me, with her hands clasped, head tilted slightly. A look of pure annoyance is on her face.

“This has gone on long enough. Get up.”

I don’t move but look away from her. I can hear her sigh.

“Bellona,” her voice is stern, but I still don’t look at her.

“I shall get your father then.” My head snaps in her direction.

“No,” my voice is raspy, my heart pounding at the thought of my father.

She gives me a knowing smile. “Good then get up.”

Something in her voice makes me curious; my mother is excited, almost happy. My face cracks into a nervous smile, wondering what has made her so happy, but at my smile her face grows stern.

“Don’t smile, you look ugly when you do.”

My smile falls as my eyes shoot around the room, my cheeks blaze from the insult. Stupid Bellona. I scowl myself. I peek at my mother, she is frowning now.

“Today you get to meet your future husband. Saskia’s future King.”

My heart slams against my chest. Today Nierra will finally see me. I can actually talk to him. I would actually see him up close. No more watching him from a distance.

My face must have shown my joy as my mother’s nostrils flare. “You need to clean up. I pity him, really I do.”

I jump out of bed, not allowing her insults to dampen my happy day. This is the best day of my life. I open my armoire with renewed strength. What am I going to wear? I need something new and spectacular. The hairs rise on my arms and neck, my mother hasn’t left, instead she stands watching me. Panic takes over. She knows, she knows I killed the girl, my mind races. Will she tell Nierra and destroy everything? My only chance at love.

“The servants will arrive shortly. They have a dress for you that I want you to wear. I have told them what way do to your hair.”

I eye her suspiciously but she turns and leaves, giving me no clue of what my dress may look like. I twist my hands as I wait for the servants to arrive. It seems like forever and my emotions won’t settle, they jump from pure happiness to terror. What if he doesn’t like me? What if he thinks I am ugly? I go to my new mirror and look at myself. My skin is snow white, not a mark or blemish on it. My brown eyes look brighter; my hand runs down my waist-length blonde hair. Color pours into my cheeks as my finger touches my bottom lip and my eyes fall to the floor. Am I pretty? I don’t know. My hands have healed over the last few days no marks are left, there is no evidence of my destruction.

The door opens and the servants arrive. They move around the room with stoic faces, stealing glances at me. It is another reminder of what I have done. Then my dress is laid out across my bed, and my mind stalls as my heart flutters. 

“Gray !!!” I squeal; it is the worst color on me. The servants stop what they are doing, their eyes now downcast. How could she? Tears well up in my eyes as I examine the hideous dress. It has three layers making it puffy and the large bow that is stitched over the chest and on the back just makes it a hideous creation. I will look like a fool. I push the tears away, what choice do I have?

“Well come on, get me ready you fools,” I roar. The servants move and start by carrying in a large tub of water. From there I am scrubbed, pulled at, dressed, prodded with clips in my head. The end result is horrible as I stand in front of the mirror three hours later. The dress is worse on. The gray drains the color from my face, leaving me looking ill. My eyes look too dull. My hair is clipped to my head severely, painfully. My face looks stretched and the white powder that covers it makes me look like a freshly made-up corpse. Ready to be laid out for all to see. I look ghastly.

“They’re waiting for you.” I look away from my refection to the nervous servant who holds my door open. I take a deep breath and follow him through the castle in silence, until we stop at the dining room doors. The servant opens them for me and I enter.

My parents and Nierra sit at the table that could hold up to forty people. They rise as I enter. My eyes flicker to my father. He’s drunk and laughter spills from his mouth. He slaps the table, shaking the contents in everyone’s goblets. I can see Nierra tense and my mother smirks. I stop walking, my body frozen in humiliation.

“You look like the dead,” my father roars and his laughter continues. My shame burns my flesh.  Nierra clears his throat very loudly and my father’s laughter dies. What I see in Nierra’s eyes makes me want to cry. He is angry, not at me for looking ugly but at my father for laughing. He looks at me then and smiles, while pulling out the chair beside him for me. I return the smile, my stomach fluttering as I take slow steps towards him.

“Thank you,” I whisper shyly and sit down, meeting my mother’s cold stare. My father reaches across the table, slapping Nierra hard on the back. He doesn’t flinch at the gesture but I notice his jaw tightens.

“Nierra, how is your training? I do hope it is benefiting you greatly.” My mother smiles at Nierra as she holds her goblet of wine by the stem, twirling it between her thumb and index finger. Her eyes assess his frame greedily and my heart slams against my chest. She looks stunning, her long blond hair flows down her back and covers her bare shoulders. The red dress she wears plunges at the front showing plenty of cleavage. My eyes shoot to my father to see if he notices his wife’s antics, but he is too busy stuffing his face with food. Juice from the chicken runs down his chin. I look away, embarrassed.

“The training is great. Thank you both for the facilities that are in place for us.”

My mother tips her head, smiling, while she sips slowly from her goblet. Silence falls on the table as my mother watches me with a hidden smile that makes me squirm. My head is aching from the severity of my hair style and my hands itch to massage my scalp but I keep them joined together, resting on my lap.

The silence is broken as my mother takes a deep breath and her hand flutters in Nierra’s direction. “The future King of Saskia.” She beams, then her head swings to me, her eyes scanning me. “And the future Queen.” Disgust is what I see in her eyes. I look at my lap, mortified that Nierra is witnessing my humiliation. A strong hand squeezes mine and I find myself staring into the most beautiful, kind green eyes I have ever seen.

“I think Bellona will make a fine Queen.” A slow smile grows on my face and my mother’s words come back to me about looking ugly when I smile. My hand shoots to my mouth to hide it, but I continue to smile behind my hand. Nierra breaks eye contact, his face held tight. My hand and smile fall and I return to looking at my lap.

“It’s such a beautiful day outside. I would like your permission to take your daughter for a walk in the gardens.” I look up holding my breath, while waiting for my father’s answer.

“Good riddance,” he says through large bites of food. “More wine,” he roars, which is completely unnecessary as a servant stands only three feet behind him.

“Bellona is tired,” my mother says and panic takes over me.

“No. No, I would love to see the gardens.”

Mother’s nose flares. “But you need your rest.”

I want to cry, this is so unfair and her look of steel suggests I should shut up, so I do.

“Go. Go on.” It is my father who allows it. He has never done anything kind but right now I want to hug him, but of course I don’t. I jump up and my mother gives me a tight smile. I will pay for this later, but right now I get to spend time with Nierra.

My heart is frantic, my steps careful. I twist my hands nervously, as we walk. I steal glances at Nierra from under my eyelashes. He catches me a few times and smiles. My cheeks blaze with colour. I know I look white; no color will penetrate the heavy white powder that coats my face.

“I haven’t seen you at the training ground recently?” His words freeze me.

“I would never… go there... never.”

He laughs, actually laughs, while throwing his head back; the sound has my stomach erupting with butterflies. He looks at me now while still smiling. “It is okay. I actually like that you come to see me train. To be honest I missed you.”

“Missed me?” I was stuttering now, but he continues to smile, his green eyes lighting up. A smile grows on my own face with happiness; my hand shoots up to cover it. Nierra looks at me with confusion, his hand gently touching mine and removing it from my face. 

“Don’t cover your smile Bellona, it’s so beautiful.” I can’t look at him now. This is a joke that my mother must have put him up to. I pull my hand angrily out of his and watch as a look of disbelief crosses his face.

“You don’t believe me when I say you’re beautiful.” His words are so sincere I want so badly to believe him, but I am afraid.

I shake my head, unable to trust my voice, and his disbelief deepens.

“Are you telling me that no one has ever told you, that you are beautiful?”

“No,” I whisper.

Sadness fills his eyes and then he smiles softly. “I think you are. Beautiful Bellona.” My heart soars as he takes my hand and this time I don’t stop him as we continue walking. He talks about himself, his training, his best friend Morrick. Books he likes to read and his favourite horse. I know all of this already, I have watched him for years. But it feels different having him tell me. I feel like I am floating, feeling happy, oh so very happy. I smile and even laugh, the sound so foreign to my ears.

“You should laugh more, it suits you.” We have stopped walking and the look Nierra is giving me has my heart pounding. I have never been kissed and wonder if he is going to kiss me.  A roar of thunder shakes the ground and the skies open. I scream and Nierra grabs my hand pulling me with him, we are in the middle of the garden. I start laughing. I am drenched and so is he. It doesn’t matter and the rain is warm, so we stop running and start to laugh. Nierra’s face grows serious and then he is an inch from me, my own laughter dies and I lick my lips, closing my eyes. His hands gently touch my hair and slowly remove the clips, taking his time with each one. Its torture standing still as his eyes bore into mine. My wet hair tumbles down my back when all of it is free, and his hands cup my face. I have to blink to keep the rain out of my eyes.

“You are so beautiful, Bellona.” I take in a sharp breath at the intensity of his eyes and then his lips touch mine and my world explodes. It is too much, too perfect, too kind. Tears mix with rain, filling in the gaps between our kisses.

“Why do you cry?” He still holds my face, his forehead against mine.

“I am crying in case this isn’t real.” My hand rests against his heart, feeling the heavy thumps. “In case you’re not real.” My eyes burn into his.

“Can you feel how fast my heart is beating?”

I nod. I can, it is beating so fast under my open palm. I did that? I caused this reaction in him. His hand covers mine that rests over his heart. “That is real, Bellona, that is real.” And then he kisses me again, not gently but with passion and a hunger that overwhelms my senses.

                                          ***

We return to the castle laughing and drenched, but my mother stands waiting, her icy eyes cut off my laughter and I take my hand from Nierra’s. He bows towards my mother but I can see he doesn’t like her, his posture lacks respect.

“This is how you bring my daughter back to me.”

“Mother please,” I beg, wishing she would just stop.

“My queen,” Nierra speaks, but my mother cuts him off.

“She is not a hand maiden that is available for a quick tumble.”

My face blazes with humiliation, she will scare him off.

“You’re right, she isn’t a hand maiden. She is a princess and I hold her in the highest regard and would never do anything to dishonour Bellona.”

My mother harrumphs then turns to me. “We must get you dried.”

I look at Nierra and give him a small smile. “I had a lovely time.”

“Me too,” he replies while smiling back.

“Bellona, now,” my mother warns.

I say a soft goodbye and follow my mother, but I sneak a glance back at Nierra who stands watching me as water drips onto the floor. He looks conflicted, almost sad. When we turn the corner I can no longer see him. My heart deflates and tears burn my eyes. Now I will pay for my moment of happiness.