Bellona (Part 1.5 of The Saskia Trilogy) (7 page)

Chapter Eleven

Confessions

“Princess Bellona.” I turn to find Miriam behind me, I don’t like the man but I smile back.

“Miriam.” His gray eyes see far too much. He is an oracle so I spend my time avoiding him. I look around my empty private gardens wondering what he is doing here. “Can I help you?” I ask, trying to keep the disdain from my voice, it seems to work as his smile grows, or maybe he knows I don’t like him.

“You can, Princess, just a few moments of your time.” He shifts his staff to his left hand before he starts walking towards me. “Join me,” he offers me his free arm and I take it. Part of me is curious as to why he has sought me out. “One day you will rule all of Saskia. Its people will rely on you for direction. They will be your people, Bellona.”

I hold my head a little higher at his words. I can’t wait to rule.

“Your father has hurt his people deeply.” I feel shocked at Miriam’s words, it is treason, but he doesn’t seem afraid “But you don’t have to.”

I stop walking. “I would never hurt my people, me and Nierra will be the finest rulers that Saskia has ever seen.” I hold my shoulders back and my head higher, daring him to contradict me. But something in his eyes has my stomach tightening. “But you have already hurt your people.”

I drop his arm, my heart rate escalating. “You don’t have proof, and who would believe an old man over the future queen?” I hope my questions make him see sense.

“I am not here to judge you. I am here to help you, Princess.” His words don’t match his expression, he is judging me.

“How exactly are you going to help me? You can’t undo what I have done. Unless you can raise the dead and that is unlikely.” My heart is racing now, I want him gone.

“I can set you free, Bellona.” Free; the word has me frozen. What it would mean to be truly free of the deaths that I have caused, they hang around my neck like a rope ready to pull. “You must confess to Nierra what you have done or it will eat away at you, fester and rot.”

The air catches in my lungs briefly at his madness and then I laugh at the stupidity of his suggestion. I thought maybe he could take my memories away, but to confess and to Nierra, I look into his serious gray eyes and  find myself growing quiet, with panic and dread. “No!” I turn away, not able to be around him or I will hurt him and that is one thing I promised myself I would never do again, I swore I would never hurt another person again.

“What of your child?” I freeze once again before swallowing the saliva that pools in my mouth. “He grows inside you, for him—tell Nierra the truth—you must.”

My hand flutters to my stomach and tears roll down my cheeks. No one knows I am with child not even Nierra, I had planned to tell him tonight. “Will he leave me?” I ask, not turning around. I can hear Miriam walk closer to me.

“This is not about him, Bellona, it is about you and the future of Saskia.”

I swing around my anger flaring. “How dare you, he is the future king, he is Saskia’s future. So tell me Oracle. Will. He. Leave. Me?”

“If you don’t tell him, you will die young from your own hand.” Miriam walks away, not answering my question but leaving me feeling cold, my hand once again moves to my stomach where my child grows inside. I would never hurt my child, never.

                                          ***

I sit in the room that has become mine and Nierra’s, feeling terrified. I can’t forget all that Miriam has said, but I know I have to choose my child or Nierra. If I tell Nierra, I live and my child will be safe with me, but I may lose Nierra in the process. If I don’t tell Nierra, I will die and my child will be motherless.

“You’re looking more beautiful every day.” I look up as Nierra enters the room. My stomach tightens, can I really tell him? I feel as if I am not present in the room, and this doesn’t seem real. As if sensing my turmoil, Nierra sits down beside me, taking my hands. “What is it?” I can see the worry and concern in his face, soon it will turn to disgust. If I tell him about the child first, maybe he won’t take it so badly.

“I have something I need to tell you,” I whisper, my heart beating rapidly until I think I might be sick. His grip tightens on my hands. “I am with child.” I decide to give him the nice news first. He seems frozen and I look up to see his eyes wide and sparkling with tears of joy.

“I am going to be a father?” he asks in disbelief and I can’t take this moment away from him, my fear flees and I let his joy fill me also.

“Yes.” Tears of relief spring to my eyes and he laughs while pulling me into an embrace.

“We are going to have a baby.” He sounds so shocked but I laugh through my tears.

“Yes we are, a boy.”

“How do you know?” he asks, leaning back. And I curse myself.

“Miriam. I bumped into him and he told me.”

Nierra huffs but it is in good humor. “I talk to him a lot and he never told me you were pregnant. I can’t believe this. I am going to be a father.” I have never seen him so happy and a part of me feels angry that it takes a baby to make him smile like that, but I push it aside, wanting to enjoy every second.

“I can’t believe it either.” I wipe my tears.

Nierra lays his large hand on my abdominal, his eyes full of wonder and then he looks at me. “I love you, Bellona, and I thank God for allowing me to have you.” His kiss is gentle and soft but I deepen it, I never can have enough of Nierra but he stops while smiling. “You need to relax and mind our little baby.” He rubs my stomach now, the look of contentment and happiness on his face is so rewarding that I lie back and let him fuss over me. As I lie there I think of Miriam’s words again, and my stomach tightens. Fear stabs at my heart and I find my mouth opening, I want to clamp my hand over it in fear of saying it, yet all of a sudden I need to tell him.

“I have killed people,” I blurt it out and then sit frozen as Nierra seems to sit straighter. I can hear my heart racing, my blood pounds and I have an overwhelming feeling to run.

“In self-defense?” Nierra speaks quietly, but it penetrates through my haze of fear and I try to calm myself for the baby’s sake, but I don’t look at him as I speak.

“No, not in self-defense.” More silence follows and I still don’t dare look at him.

“When?” he doesn’t sound like himself, he sounds like a stranger.

“A few months ago was the last time.” He seems to choke and I look at him for the first time and wish I hadn’t. His face is red his eyes ablaze with anger, disbelief and pain.

“Last time?” he questions, while shaking his head before he stands. “How many?” I look away again as tears roll down my face, I shouldn’t have said anything. I shouldn’t have listened to Miriam. Nierra leans over the couch that I sit on. “How many?” he roars, making me close my eyes.

“Six, Nierra.” He seems too stumble away from me, his hands clenched as his mind tries to process what I have just told him. I don’t dare move but a part of me is relieved that he is still here. Then he turns to me as if something has just occurred to him.

“Are you even pregnant?” his question is filled with spite and I rise too, feeling angry.

“How dare you?”

He laughs at me, not with humor but bitterness and anger.

“How dare I? You just told me you have killed people and you’re questioning me?”

“I am telling you the truth about everything so that we have an honest relationship.” I try to stand a bit taller, hoping I will look authoritative, but inside my body shakes and Nierra can see through it.

“Sit down and stop speaking.” I do so immediately, his rage has me afraid of him for the first time and I find myself glancing around me for a weapon.

His bark of laughter makes me look at him. “What are you planning to hurt me?”

I cover my face with shame; how he can see me so clearly. “I am afraid that you will hurt me and my baby!” I shout the truth and it calms his rage.

He is still angry but he looks guilty. “I would never hurt you.” His words make me cry after everything I have told him. The couch dips down beside me, he doesn’t comfort me as I cry but he still remains seated.

“I want you to tell me everything.” He sounds unsure and I finally look at him.

“Nierra,” I plead.

“Everything, and don’t leave one detail out.” He is serious. So I do, I tell him of my mother’s cruelty, the beatings that I have received, the servant girl that I had whipped. I tell him of the guards that I have killed, the maid that my mother made me kill and finally my own mother. Then the room fills with silence that begins to suffocate me. But the noise that follows is one I know I will never forget, one I wish to never hear again. Nierra begins to cry, heart wrenching sobs. I sit and cry quietly and when he cries harder I try to comfort him, but he pushes my hands away, not with much force, it’s as if no energy is left in his body, but when he looks at me he looks tortured, a man broken and I have broken him. “I am so sorry,” I say and mean it; a part of me wishes to take all my words back while another knows deep down that this good man deserves the truth of the monster he lies with.

“I’m so sorry,” I say again knowing it will make no difference, but I need to say it regardless. I have brought this king to his knees and I don’t feel powerful for it. I feel so ashamed. I turn away from him. “I understand if you need to leave, I deserve nothing more and I am sorry,” I say, but when he doesn’t move I turn to him his eyes now focused on my face, tears still spill down his cheeks.

“I will never leave you.”

“What?” I feel so confused, but hope surges up inside me.

“You must give me your oath that you will never harm another.”

I pause; an oath is binding, no matter what, I can’t break it. “Nierra, what if someone attacks me?”

“Give me your oath or I will never look at you again!”

Tears run down my face but I nod. “I swear Nierra… that I, Bellona, will never hurt another human being… I swear this on our child’s life.” I cry then, knowing what I have committed too.

“Good. Good.” Nierra stands, wiping his face. “I have to go,” he says moving towards the door on unsteady legs.

“No, you said…” I protest, but he cuts me off sharply.

“I am not leaving you, but right now I can’t look at you.” He walks away from me, slamming the door and I sit there. I don’t cry, for some reason I find myself smiling with relief and knowing it will be okay.

Chapter Twelve

The Loss

Nierra avoids me for days, but I accept it. I love him deeply and know no matter what, I have done the right thing. For me I feel lighter, like all of my sins have been lifted, the blood has been wiped from my hands and because of the oath I have made I know I can never harm another person ever again as long as my child lives, and I hope he lives a very long time. I feel protected right now, protected from the other side of me. But I have stationed two guards outside my door at all times, and one to be with me at all times. I can’t protect myself, if someone attacks me I can’t even slap them across the face, my hand wouldn’t be able to move, it would be invisibly tied, once my intent to hurt was there. That is how strong an oath is.

I spend those days in the gardens tending to my own flowers that I have started to grow with the help of a gardener who directs me. She speaks only to answer my questions, no matter how much I try to befriend her. I never had a friend but she seems to find polite answers that won’t offend, but clearly tell me she doesn’t want me as a friend. So I finally give up. The old me would have forced or killed her, but the new me has no choice but to let it be. Taurus, the man I have selected as my personal guard, stands not far from us, he is the one that had saved me the night of my birthday and I feel the safest with him. “My lady.” He is beside me and startles the other woman. “You need to come now.” His hand grips my arm, making me stand and I pull away from him, he has no right to touch me.

“What for?” I ask.

He takes a step back. “The castle is under attack.” He nods before grabbing my arm again and I don’t stop him as he takes me quickly and quietly through the gardens. We move through the kitchens and the servant’s quarters until loud voices have us stopping. It sounds as if a battle is happening in the hall. I fear for Nierra and move around Taurus but he blocks my path. “My lady …”

I cut him off. “I need to make sure Nierra is safe.” He doesn’t respond, but pulls me in the other direction. “How dare you?” But my protests fall on deaf ears. I can’t stop him or do one thing about it. He pushes me against a wall, clamping a hand over my mouth. We stand in the shadows as men move close by, all dressed in common clothes, their blades covered in blood. Fear pulses within me, fear for Nierra and for my own life. We stay still for a few moments before thirty of our own guards fill the halls, the men run and ours follow. The cries of dying men can be heard.

A door down the hall opens roughly. “Of course they are rebelling, you are killing their families who have done nothing wrong.” It is Nierra and I fear I know who he speaks to so angrily.

“You are a boy who knows nothing of what it takes to be a king,” my father’s words aren’t slurred, but he is angry. I move, wanting to protect Nierra, but Taurus keeps me in place shaking his head.

“I will be King soon, and under my rule this will not happen.”

I close my eyes in horror of what he is saying to my father.

“You are not the king, Nierra, and you have just proven to me that you are not ready yet.” A door slams loudly, and silence follows, it is then that Taurus lets me go and I race into the hall to see Morrick whispering to Nierra they haven’t seen me yet but I catch some of Morricks fears. “He will kill you if you don’t kill him first,” Morrick says and Nierra’s face twists in disgust. “I am not a murderer.”

I gasp with the horror of what he must see me as, his eyes snap to me and I can see it in his eyes. “Bellona,” he whispers my name, but I can’t stand there and have him look at me like that so I turn and flee to my chambers.

It is a while later when a soft knock comes to the door before it opens and Nierra steps in. he looks around my room and I sit up in the bed. “Bellona,” my name is all he seems to be able to say, but he comes and sits down beside me. “I’m sorry.” His apology shocks me.

“For what?” He is right after all, I am a murder.

“For what you must think of the way I look at you.” I don’t answer. “I don’t see you as a murder. I see you as a tortured soul who didn’t know what else to do. Yet you admitted everything so for that you should be forgiven.” His eyes meet mine, and I don’t blink in fear, I will start to cry.

I squeeze two words out. “Thank you.” Without crying.

His hand reaches up and strokes my face before disappearing into my hair. “I miss touching you, smelling you. I miss your voice and laughter.” It is all too much I can’t fight the tears and I cry. Nierra pulls me into his embrace, soothing me. “I love you,” he whispers several times while kissing my hair. When my tears stop flowing he lays me down and lies down beside me while holding my hand. “I want to kill him for what he has done to you, for what he is doing to his people,” Nierra confesses.

“It will bring you no joy,” I answer honestly and Nierra kisses my hand.

“I know,” Nierra says before falling asleep with me in arms. I fall asleep too, shortly after.

I wake up to find Nierra gone but in his place is a letter. I sit up and read it and a smile grows on my face. He wants me to meet him at noon in the gardens for a picnic. I clutch the letter to my chest, thanking God for sending Nierra to me. I get dressed, picking a pale blue dress that flows behind me; I decide to leave my hair down. I spend the morning in the garden. Taurus stands close by but not too close. Noon comes and goes and I find myself getting more nervous when Nierra doesn’t show. Did he change his mind? Maybe he couldn’t do this since my confession, maybe the baby isn’t enough? My hand rubs my stomach but a commotion gets my attention. Morrick is fighting with Taurus to let him pass. “Move now, guard, that is an order,” Morricks voice and face hold something that causes dread to pool in my stomach.

“Taurus let him pass,” my voice sounds steady but my heart gallops. The closer Morrick gets, the further away from him I want to be. His eyes tell me too much. “Where is Nierra?” I ask, but tears already spill down my cheeks. The look Morrick wears is filled with loss. I cover my mouth with my hand, while shaking my head. I am trying to deny what he hasn’t even said. I push down on a sob that rises up my throat.

“I am so sorry, Princess,” that’s all he says and my world falls apart, the ground moves from under me.

Taurus is beside me, I blink, not sure how I got on the ground. Morrick stands rigid looking down at me. “No,” I whisper. “No, I don’t believe you,” I say and tears spill silently down Morricks cheeks.

“I wish right now I was a liar, Princess.”

I clutch my stomach and scream as pain ignites in my body. The air disappears and I can’t breathe. I choke for oxygen.

“Breathe.” Taurus sits in front of me, his face calm, expressionless as he commands me to breathe, and I do, I suck in air and sob.

“What happened?” I find myself asking, it is then I can see anger in Morricks eyes.

“He... he was trying to do right by you. What you told him about your father, he just couldn’t settle so he confronted him.”

My eyes cloud with tears “Stop,” I whisper, but Morrick doesn’t.

“He confronted him but your father …. He killed him as if he was nothing.”

More tears pour down my face, my body is trembling. “Do you know what he did then?” Morrick asks, and I can’t hear anymore.

“Stop please!” I cry.

“He laughed, your father laughed. He was my best friend!” his roar causes sobs to shake my body.

Taurus is beside Morrick. “The lady has heard enough… My Lord.” Taurus’ words cause me to cry harder,
my lord,
Morrick will now be King and I his queen.
Never, never
, I vow. A hand touches my elbow to help me stand and I look at Morrick, hating everything he stands for.

“Remove your hand.” He does straight away. I stand on shaky legs, fighting the tears. “I want to see him,” I request.

Morrick nods and leads me to Nierra, to my Nierra. Taurus stays at my side the entire walk. It feels like forever, my body is numb, my legs move of their own accord. We have stopped and I look at Morrick, I wasn’t sure how long I had been standing here. “We will wait outside,” he says before pushing open the door. I nod not daring to speak, and step into the room. I look straight ahead. I do not look at the body that is laid out. I do not see Nierra’s sleeping form. I do not notice how his hands are folded at his stomach. No, I don’t look, because if I do, I know I might never recover, I need to see his emerald eyes. I don’t need him to die. “Nierra,” I whisper before sitting down on the chair that sits at his bedside. I reach out taking his not so warm hand in mine. “Why?” I whisper before the tears came. “Why?” I ask again, why take him from me. Was this my punishment? My eyes travel to his face, he looks like he is asleep. My fingers tremble as I reach up and touch his cheek, a sob burst from my mouth. I want to see his eyes just one more time, or his smile, the feel of his lips on mine. My tears come faster. Or just to hear his voice, just one more time. It is too painful. I pull my hand back, closing my eyes and I cry. Every moment spent with him replays on a loop in my head. His laughter, the way he looked at me, our picnic together, kissing in the rain. His kindness, his words, his voice, his love. I stand up, the chair hitting the floor. It’s too much. My eyes roam his face, I need to memorize him, I can’t ever forget. I stop crying, I need to focus. I move closer, my face only inches from his as I take in every line, every freckle before kissing his lips. I will never love another and I make an oath to him.

“I swear that I will never love another but you Nierra, I swear this on my life.” My tears fall onto his handsome face, I feel the magic of my words and a sense of peace settles over me for a brief moment, but panic and fear overtakes me. I continue to memorize his face, forcing myself not to cry I need to see every detail and looking at him becomes too much. “I want to see your beautiful eyes,” I whisper just for him to hear, as my tears splash his face. “Please,” I beg, but Nierra doesn’t open his eyes. “Just one last time. Let me see your eyes,” I beg again. “I can’t let you go.” My vision blurs as the tears come fast and hard. “I can’t do this Nierra.” I lay my forehead against his. “Please wake up, don’t leave me,” I plead.

“Princess,” Morrick says gently, but I am not ready to go. I swallow the hysteria that is building in me.

“I need more time,” I say while looking at him and nodding. “Just a bit more time, Morrick, that’s all I need,” I sob, and his eyes glaze as he looks at me with understanding.

“He is gone, Bellona.”

I shake my head, looking away from him and back to Nierra. “Why? Why did you leave me?” I cover my face with my hands, the pain is too much, it is almost unbearable.  My Nierra is dead, I will never see him again. Never. Ever. I repeat this in my head, until one emotion rises, one I need to hold onto to survive. Anger.

“I want to see the King,” I say, trying to pull myself together. I turn away from Morrick. “Taurus, I want to see the King.” He bows his head. “Of course, my lady.” But Morrick moves, standing in my way. “Bellona, don’t. This will not bring him back, he will kill you too.”

“Get out of my way,” I say but he doesn’t move.

“No. You are the future queen of Saskia. I won’t let you put yourself in danger, you are my responsibility now.”

Anger boils inside me. “I will never be anything to you. I loved Nierra and I always will. You are not worthy of his throne. You are nothing to me.”

Morrick doesn’t respond but stands aside. “You may hate me now, Bellona, but one day you will be mine and I will be yours.” He doesn’t sound happy about what he is saying, he is just stating what is true and I hate him for it. I don’t answer, but leave with Taurus at my side as I go to find the King, my father.