Betrayed (15 page)

He could feel a little pressure, knew in his head what was happening, but that was it.

It was because Rae's face, Rae's face in that second she realized he and Yana were together, wouldn't get out of
his brain. She hadn't just been surprised. She'd been in pain. Anthony and Yana had hurt her.

What was he thinking, going in there with Yana without giving Rae any kind of warning? he asked himself. Parked
out in front of the restaurant, he'dbeen thinking about just how much torture it would be to see Rae with another
guy. But he hadn't thought Rae would feel that way. Because that would mean Yana gave Anthony's lip a not-too-gentle bite. "What?" he protested.

"I just wanted to make sure you were still alive," she told him. Automatically he put his hands on her waist, then
leaned in and deepened the kiss.

The image of Rae's face shrank. But it didn't disappear.

Ijust want to know how it feels to have your best friend go behind your back.
"I have one more birthday surprise
for you," Rae's father said as he unlocked the front door.

If you get in their way at all, they won't hesitate to kill you themselves… I'll talk to her for you… Drugs, electric

stimulation, radiation.

"Surprise. Great," Rae answered as she followed him into the house.

"You go sit in the living room. I'll be right back," her dad told her.

Somehow Rae managed to follow the simple instruction. Then she realized her father was still standing in the
same place, looking at her.

I just want to know how it feels to have your bestfriend go behind your back… Steve Mercer? Steve Mercer?

Can Dad tell I'm breaking apart? Is he trying to decide if he should call Ms. Abramson?

Her father gave a blink and shook his head. "I was staring, wasn't I?"

Stay away from places you don't belong… What are you most afraid of?… Cries watching
Frosty the Snowman.

"Yeah," Rae answered, struggling to keep her conversation with her father separate from the babble in her head.

"Sorry," her dad said. "It's just that I've been waiting so long to give you this. I…" It was as if his throat had gotten
too clogged for him to speak. He cleared it. "I… I guess I should just go get it. That's probably the best way."

"Okay," Rae managed to answer. Her father turned and headed out of the room, with one last over-the-shoulder
look at her.

So, I gotta go… I won't be able to protect you… Won't be able to protect your best friend… Why do you keep

talking about my mother?… Ashes to ashes.
Rae folded her hands tightly in her lap. She knew the thoughts slicing
through her brain weren't coming from fingerprints. But that's how they felt. Alien. Unwelcome.

Because your mother didn't die of a disease… I just want to know how it feels to have your best friend go behind

your back… How would you be most afraid to die?

"Stop it," Rae whispered. Stop it. This was like the day in the cafe last spring. She was losing her mind. Any
second now she'd be throwing things and screaming her guts out. And then she'd be back in her quiet room in the
hospital.

It happened to Amanda… It could happen to you… Stay away from places you don't belong… Who are the

administrators?… I'll talk to her for you… I have football. So, I gotta go.

"Please stop. Please, please stop. Just until I'm alone," Rae begged, even though there was no one to beg to. This
was all happening inside her. There was no one to help. No one who could help.

But it was murder, Rae… It happened to Amanda. It could happen to you… I'll talk to her for you… Don't have to

keep up a front with me… Ashes to mother. Mother to ashes.

Faintly, under the sound of the voices in her head-Anthony's, Yana's, Aiden's, Marcus's, Mr. Jesperson's, Ms.

Abramson's, her own-Rae heard her father approaching. Shut up, she silently screamed at the voices in her head.

For just a couple of minutes she had to seem like a normal girl, a normal birthdaygirl. She wasn't putting her father
through another round of madness. No way was she doing that.

Everything you hear puts you in more danger… I have football… Your mother didn't die of a disease behind your

back… I'll talk to her for you… Jesse, he collapsed.

Rae's father returned with a small box wrapped in pink-polka-dot paper and sat down next to her on the sofa. He
cradled the box in both hands, as if it were made of the thinnest glass imaginable. "This isn't-" He had to stop to
clear his throat again. "This isn't from me. It's from your mother."

The voices in Rae's head grew high and shrill, ripping into her.

Mother didn't die of a disease… So, gotta go… Steve Mercer? Steve Mercer?… How are you most afraid to die?…

Best friend murders football… They're after us.

"From Mom?" Rae said. She winced at how loudly her voice came out.
Only you can hear the voices
, she
reminded herself sharply.
You don't have to try and talk over them.

"She even wrapped it herself. In the hospital," her father answered. "I wanted to help because…" His voice trailed
off, and his eyes seemed to focus on something that wasn't there. A memory, Rae realized.

Her father shook his head. "But she insisted on doing it herself. For you."

Radiation… So, gotta go… Drugs… How it feels to have Jesse collapse… How it feels to keep up a front… Electric

stimulation… Ashes, ashes, we all fall down.

Saint Mom again
, Rae thought.
He always remembers her as a freakin'angel. But she murdered her best friend
.

Rae opened her mouth to try to get that fact through her father's delusional head one last time. But she couldn't do
it. She couldn't hurt him like that. Not after everything he'd gone through. With her mother. And with Rae herself. And
also… somehow Rae couldn't quite muster her usual bitterness on the topic of her mother. Not after everything
she'd been through lately.

"I-I…" Rae lowered her gaze to the carpet and focused on one little spot, trying to gain some control. "I'd rather
open it in my room. Is that okay?"

Frosty's gotta go… They'reafterus… They won't hesitate to kill you themselves… Happy birthday to you… Happy

birthday, dear Rae.

"Of course it's okay." Her father placed the little box in Rae's wax-covered fingers, gently, tenderly, almost
reluctantly. "Maybe I should have waited and given it to you tomorrow. I didn't want to upset youon your birthday.

It's just that it meant so much to your mother-"

Mother didn't die of a football… ShhhKILLhhh… It happened to Jesse… It happened to Frosty… It happened to

Amanda… It happened to your mother.

Rae staggered to her feet. "You didn't ruin anything," she said, trying to act like the voices were just a really
annoying song on the radio, something that had nothing to do with her. Trying to act like her father's insistence on
seeing her mother as some kind of princess of light didn't make her want to scream.

ShhhKILLhhh. ShhhKILLhhh. ShhhKILLhhh. ShhhKILLhhh.

"It was a great birthday," she said, enunciating each word slowly and carefully. She kissed him on the bald spot he
was growing on the top of his head. "See you in the morning."

"I love you," her dad called after her as she started out of the living room, placing her feet slowly and carefully.

"Me you too," Rae answered. God, she was starting to talk like the voices. They were infecting her.

I just want to know how it feels… I just want to know how it feels… To have your best friend put you in danger…

So, I gotta go
.

One foot, the other foot, one foot, the other foot.Deliberately, focusing as much as she was able, Rae made her way
into her bedroom and closed the door behind her. Then she walked straight to her bed. She didn't bother trying to
take off her clothes. Too many movements. Too much to try and do with the voices, the voices that were now
howling for her attention.

Go behind your back… So, I gotta go… Happy birthday, dead Steve Mercer… The administrators collapsed…

ShhhKILLhhh… This isn't from me. It's from your mother.

Cautiously, cautiously, as if she were an ancient woman with brittle bones that could snap at any second, Rae lay
down on her bed. She pulled the edge of her comforter around her and rolled over once, twice, until she was
wrapped in a tight cocoon.
I'm just going to be still until it's over
, she decided. She could hardly hear the thought
over the cacophony in her head.

Drugs. Radiation… How are you most afraid to die? Who? Who? Who?

Rae closed her eyes. She took in the most shallow breaths she could. "Stay still," she whispered, scarcely moving
her lips. "That's all you can do."

God, I actually fell asleep
, Rae realized, cautiously cracking open her eyes. She held her body still, so still, her
muscles ached. But she had to besure. Rae let out a long, shaky sigh. The voices… they were gone. For now. At
least for now.

Rae tried to sit up, then realized she was still rolled tightly in her comforter, arms pinned against her sides. She
turned over twice, moving back toward the edge of the bed, and the comforter fell away. The first thing her eyes
landed on was the pink-polka-dot box. Rae glanced at her clock radio. Not even ten-thirty. Still her birthday. This
was the time to open the gift. She wasn't sure if she wanted to or not, but she felt like she should. Fate or whatever.

She sat up and crossed her legs underneath her, then rubbed her fingertips together until all the wax flaked away.

If she was going to do this, she was going to do it all out. Rae picked up the box before she could change her mind
and turned it over in her hands.
will Rae appreciate
wish I could be there/think of me sometimes/should I wait/know
how much I love/wish she could give/never know/

Rae felt this warm blossom of love grow inside her, growing bigger and bigger until it was outside and inside at the
same time. Complete you're-my-baby-and-I'll-love-you-forever parent kind of love. From her dad. And from her mom.

Tons of it from her mom. There were little tendrils of fear andapprehension, too, but the love overpowered all the
other feelings.

Remember all that mom love comes from a mom who killed her best friend
, Rae told herself. But God, who knew
how much Steve Mercer and his experiments had changed her mother? A tiny bit of the anger that always came
when she thought about what her mother had done faded.

Rae peeled off the tape and slid the box free from the paper. She opened the lid, getting another burst of thoughts
and emotions, this time all from her mother. Mostly love again. But still with those bits of fear. She saw a folded piece
of pink paper and removed it with the tips of her fingers, needing a break from the intensity of the feelings trapped
in her mother's fingerprints, then opened it, still managing to avoid a fresh blast.

A letter. It was a letter from her mom. Rae squeezed her eyes shut, not daring to look at it. What would it say? How
much would it hurt to read it?

You can't ignore it
, Rae told herself. She forced her eyes back open. And began to read.

Dearest Rachel,

In this box you will find a locket that was given to me on my sixteenth birthday. It was given to my mother on her
sixteenth birthday,too. And back and back. Your great-great-great-great grandmother was the first one to receive it, if
you can believe that. I know I had trouble imagining that many greats when my mother gave it to me.

I can't even tell you how much I wish I was there with you on your sixteenth birthday. Not just to give you the locket,
although it would have been so wonderful to continue the tradition, but because you're at an age where there are
things you might need me for. Your father is a wonderful man, and I know he's been a wonderful dad to you. It would
be impossible for him not to be. But you're changing so fast now, I bet, and some of the changes are things you
might want to talk to a woman about. A mother. Your mother. It breaks my heart to know that I won't be there for you.

But there's not much time left for me. In a few days I probably won't be strong enough to write at all.

Enough. That isn't what I wanted to say. I would tear this up and start again if I thought I could do better. There are
things you've inherited from me, Rachel. My chin, I think. My hands. But there could be other things, things neither
of us would haverecognized when you were a little girl. Some of these things may be difficult for you to deal with on
your own. Things that could be frightening.

If I can, Rachel, if there is any way, I'll watch you from wherever it is I end up, maybe on a cloud with a harp, maybe
as particles of energy that somehow are drawn to you. I want to be with you if you need me. I want to protect you.