Between Hope & the Highway (45 page)

When he pulled away to catch his breath, I blushed as I read the naked desire in his eyes. Licking my lips, I knew I’d better speak before we began kissing again and the last bricks of my walls crumbled.

“You need to cut Damon out of your life. Completely. He’s no good.”

His eyes narrowed, effectively dousing the flaming hunger they’d held. But I needed to make a stand. Garret might be a weasel, but he was right about Damon.

“You haven’t taken a sip of alcohol in six years, and then ruin it all with him. Can you honestly say that would’ve happened had he not been there to egg you on?”

“It wasn’t his fault.”

The words he didn’t say cut through me like a scythe. It was mine.

“Rawson, it’s honorable of you to try to help him, but he doesn’t want to be helped. He’s only pulling you down. Can’t you see that? Besides, he killed your brother and hurt Benny. How can you stand him?”

His pained expression took me by surprise. “Have you ever wondered what it’s like for Damon? How he feels knowing he took Detrick’s life? Don’t you wonder if that knowledge tortures him every single day? Don’t you think he feels guilty every time he sees Bentley walking with his gimp leg and crooked neck, knowing it’s his fault?”

Thinking of his druggie friend made the past burn hot in my mind. I recalled how the stoned driver who killed Justin had laughed as the police led him away in handcuffs.

“I don’t believe that scumbag feels any remorse. He lost nothing in the accident. Nothing!” I hid my face as memories washed over me with the strength of a tidal wave.

“You’re wrong.” His voice cracked. “I think Damon suffers more than anyone. Not a day goes by that he doesn’t feel crushing guilt for everything that happened.”

“How can you have any idea what that monster feels?”

He hung his head. “Because I’m the monster.”

“Don’t stick up for that loser. You just—”

“I drove the night of the accident. Not Damon.” He patted his massive chest and spoke louder. “I killed Detrick and maimed Benny. Me.”

His revelation hit me like a nuclear bomb. I shook my head to rid myself of the radioactive fallout. “That’s not true. You’re not—”

“It is true!” he roared.

My eyes widened.

“It was my Explorer. Do you think I would’ve let Damon drive my car? You know how possessive I am with my vehicles and horses. Damon’s the last person I would trust at the wheel. But no one questioned that, not even my parents. I was unconscious after the accident. Damon switched places so when the police arrived, he was in the driver’s seat. When I awoke in the hospital, the story was in place. Damon took the fall and went to juvie.” A guttural groan escaped. “They blamed him for everything.”

I couldn’t speak.

“Not a day has passed since that I haven’t wished to die. I knew I killed Detrick. I’ve known all this time that I ruined Benny’s future. And my cowardice allowed my best friend’s reputation to be destroyed by a lie. I’ve suffered like you cannot even begin to imagine.”

He waited for me to say something, but what could I say? Everything he’d led me to believe was a lie. I couldn’t look at him. It would be the same as staring into the face of Justin’s murderer.

“I cleaned up my act in rehab. Became an obedient son. Busted my butt in college to succeed and be prepared to run the ranch so I could give Benny anything he wanted to make up for what I took from him. I’ve tried to help Damon as much as I could too, since no one else would give him a chance. He gave up everything for me, Lizzie.” He swiped at a renegade tear. “I owe him.”

It was quiet for several seconds.

“Say something, please.”

My lips quivered. “You were in rehab?” It was a lame question to ask after everything he’d just revealed, but I was still in denial.

“For three months. Drinking had been a problem for almost two years before the accident, but I kicked it, until last week. I’m catching a flight to Salt Lake to enter a program again.” He bit his lip. “I need help.”

I faced forward. Did he really think I could forgive him? He’d killed his brother. Maimed Benny. Sorrow the likes of which I’d never experienced squeezed my heart.

“We’d better go so you don’t miss your flight.” My voice sounded oddly calm, although my insides felt as jittery as a crowd held hostage by a gunman.

We drove the rest of the way to the airport without speaking. As he pulled into the Departures lane, I climbed out to switch places. At the driver door, he caught hold of my arm.

“Baby.”

My body betrayed me by softening under his hypnotic bass voice. I peeked up at him.

“Please say you’ll be here to pick me up when I return. I need you.”

Emotions raged under my surface calm. It wouldn’t take much for them to escape and leave me a bawling mess on the sidewalk.

“Lizzie?” He sounded desperate.

I pushed his hand off my arm. “Go.” A guttural sob revealed how close I was to an imminent breakdown. “Go!” I slapped at him. I couldn’t believe he’d lied about something so terrible for so many years.

His handsome features contorted into a collage of anguished, tortured lines, making him almost resemble the monster he was. Climbing into my seat, I slammed the door to shut him out of my life and protect my heart from utter failure.

“Lizzie!” His muffled voice came through the closed window.

I swiped at my eyes and saw the fool still standing outside my door. Mustering all the self-control I possessed, I rolled my window down enough to snap at him. “Get your luggage.”

He walked zombie-like around the car. When he opened the back door, he almost sobbed my name. “Lizzie?”

A torrent of tears blinded me as sobs made me bend over. I wiped a string of snot onto my sleeve, wishing I wasn’t such an ugly crier.

“I’m sorry, love. Let me—”

“Get your suitcase,” I sobbed, “and go.”

He hefted his bag out, but stuck his head inside. “You can’t drive like this. Pull up to the end. We’ll talk.”

“Shut the door,” I whimpered.

The door shut. I saw him reaching for the passenger door, but I couldn’t endure another second. As I peeled out, I heard him scream my name. I viewed the world through salt water, but managed not to hit anyone on my way out of the terminal. At the first gas station, I pulled over and laid down on the seat and succumbed to wracking sobs.

After what felt like forever, but was probably only five minutes, I’d emptied the first round of grief. My stomach cramped. My throat burned. I felt listless. Pressing Dad’s face on my phone, I waited for him to answer and save me from my nightmare.

“Hey, baby doll. What’s up?”

Tears rushed out again as the magnitude of my loss pounded me squarely in my broken heart. “Daddy,” I cried, “can you come get me?”

Without me having to say another word, he made arrangements to be in Montana by the next morning. “Get some sleep, sweet girl. I’ll be there soon.”

That’s all I needed.

Chapter 78

Rawson

As Mom’s phone went to voice mail, I sank onto a concrete bench and stifled the urge to scream. Lizzie was in no state to drive. I shouldn’t have let her go. As I wrung my hands, my phone vibrated.

“Mom!” I answered out of breath.

“Son, what’s the matter? Did you make it to the airport?”

“I’m here, but Lizzie just left and she’s…” I paused and closed my eyes against the throbbing pain in my head. “I broke her heart,” I whispered.

“What?”

“You have to send someone to find her. She was crying so hard I don’t know how she’ll manage to drive. I keep calling, but she won’t answer. I’m scared to death she’ll have an accident.”

“Son, what happened?”

“Just call Lizzie. Maybe she’ll answer you. I’m really worried.”

“Rawson.” The disappointment in her tone made tears sting my eyes.

“Just send someone. Please. And let me know when you talk to her.”

“Son, you need to get on your flight.”

I paced the length of the bench. “I can’t. I have to talk to her. She’s really—”

“Get on the plane.” Her firm, no-nonsense command stopped my ranting. “Your father will be livid if you don’t make your flight. I’ll call Liz and send someone after her, but you get to your gate. You can’t help anyone else if you don’t help yourself. Now go.” She hung up.

I gazed in the direction the Tahoe had disappeared. The temptation to jump in a taxi and take off after Liz made me falter, but Mom was right. I teetered on a breaking point. I’d be no help to anyone.

Kicking the concrete bench, I headed into the terminal and tried to cast Lizzie’s gut-wrenching sobs from my mind. Mom would make things right. She always did.

After securing my ticket, I made my way through security and barely made it to my gate on time. I found my seat and turned to the window to avoid conversing with my seatmate. Grabbing my phone, I checked for texts. My chest ached. I never realized grief was so heavy, but it about crushed me right then. Lizzie’s reaction had shocked me, but it shouldn’t have. She’d told me about her fiancé who’d been killed by an impaired driver. Why had I thought she’d accept my horrible secret? I should’ve broken the news more gently, but when she berated Damon, I lost it.

Closing my eyes, I asked God to watch over her. If anything bad happened, I’d never forgive myself. Shifting in my seat, I checked my phone again.

“Sir, you need to switch your phone to flight mode.”

I glanced up at an attendant and absently nodded.

Mom still hadn’t texted. Was Lizzie okay? My hands began to shake. Could I order just one beer during the flight…to ease my worry? The skin on my chest prickled. I threw my head against the seat and clenched my eyes. As if battling the urge to drink wasn’t bad enough, now my skin had to itch. My nonstop flight would only take one hour and twenty-one minutes. I could make it. Maybe. No one here knew of my illness. If I ordered a beer, the stewardess wouldn’t blink an eye. I’d already blown it and was heading to rehab. What would it matter if I messed up again? No one would know. I had a problem, but my problem actually helped me cope with life.

But no. I thought of Liz as I stared out at the runway. She deserved a strong man. A good man. I wasn’t either, but I wanted to be.

Bowing my head, I begged any power higher than myself to help me resist temptation until I made it to Salt Lake City where a rehab counselor would meet me. I just needed to endure my itchy, stressed-out, desperate state for another hour. Then I’d get help and become the man Lizzie deserved. I would become strong. I’d be good. Anything to return the sparkle to her eyes I had made look so sad.

PART FOUR

Empowering Hope

Forgiveness is about empowering yourself, rather than empowering your past.

T. D. Jakes

Chapter 79

Liz

Rhythmic rapping on the door made me bolt up in bed.

“Are you decent?” Dad called.

Madly swiping my eyes and finger-combing snarled curls, I paused my movie and opened my mouth to answer in the negative. But he cracked the door and peeked in before I could wield my lie.

I forced a smile. “Hey, Daddy.”

His expression oozed fatherly concern, making me feel guilty for creating so much drama. As if it wasn’t bad enough that I’d called in the middle of the week to beg him to drive up to Montana and get me a month ago, now I couldn’t stop moping around feeling sorry for myself. Though I was almost twenty-one years old, I’d never felt more like a child. I stared at my pukey pink rug, hoping he wouldn’t notice my swollen eyes.

“You up for a blizzard from Dairy Queen, baby doll?”

No. My heart was shattered in a million pieces. No amount of distance, ice cream, or fatherly love would fix it.

“Can I take a rain check? I’m in the middle of a movie.”