Beyond Broken (The Bay Boys #3) (46 page)

“Can you feel it?” she asked.

“No,” he started to say, but then the baby gave one more big thump.
 
“I felt
that
.”

His voice was soft, a little awed, and he kept his hands on her stomach until Maddie couldn’t perceive any more movement.
 
Caleb went silent and Maddie thought he might’ve fallen asleep.
 
But then he said, “I still can’t believe we’re having a girl.”

Maddie felt her throat tighten at the emotion in his voice.
 
She expected to start crying yet again, which was exactly what she’d done at the ultrasound appointment.

Dr. Cochrane had reassured her that it happened all the time when she’d tried to apologize.
 
Caleb had seemed struck speechless as he peered hard at the monitor where the blurry outline of their baby was displayed.

“I know,” she whispered, stomach fluttering, and it had nothing to do with the baby.
 
“I can’t believe she’s due in less than four months.
 
I don’t feel ready.”

She worried that she’d make an awful mother.
 
She didn’t know anything about taking care of babies.
 
Her mother had assured her that it was natural to feel that way, that she hadn’t known what the hell she was doing when Thomas was born.
 
Eventually, everything would fall into place.

“We’ll figure it out,” he said, the quiet confidence in his voice wrapping around her, comforting her.

Maddie was beyond relieved that she had someone there to support her in all this.
 
How single mothers did it, she had no clue, but they must be some strong, strong women.

“And we should probably get started on a nursery,” he added.

She was positive he felt her mouth turn into a smile against his shoulder.
 
“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

They both went quiet again.
 
Maddie wondered where Caleb wanted to put the nursery.
 
The fourth bedroom was a spare room, but Caleb used it as his office on occasion, and Peter had some art supplies in there.
 
That left the guest bedroom that Caleb had been sleeping in before he started sleeping with her.

Sometimes, when Maddie had time to just stop for a moment and think, she marveled at the direction her life had turned.
 
Obviously, nothing had gone according to plan, and she wondered whether she would change anything if given the chance.
 
If she did, she wouldn’t be growing life inside her, a life that she was growing to love more and more each day.
 
She wouldn’t have been given a second chance with Caleb.
 
And there was no one else that she could even picture sharing a life with.
 
These past few months had been some of the happiest of her life.
 
He
made her happy.

Of course, nothing was ever perfect.
 
Their future was still tumultuous.
 
But Maddie had been trying to stay in the present, to enjoy what was happening in the moment, to embrace her pregnancy and make the best out of an unplanned and unconventional situation.

So far, it had been working out well.
 
Very, very well.

Some things, however, weighed heavy on Maddie’s mind, like where she and Caleb stood.
 
Ever since she started showing, her classmates, and even some professors, had tried to slyly pry into her love life.
 
Some commented that they hadn’t even known she was seeing someone, to which she blushed and stuttered something incoherent.
 
Or they would ask whether ‘the father’ wanted a girl or a boy.

She wasn’t even sure if Caleb could be considered her
boyfriend
.
 
They’d never talked about a serious, monogamous relationship.
 
They’d never even gone out a date, unless she counted that one time after she told him she was pregnant and he practically force fed her every entree off a restaurant menu because he thought she’d lost too much weight.

And she was too cowardly to bring it up.
 
Didn’t that tell her something?
 
She was afraid of what his reaction might be and wondered whether he’d pull away from her because of it.
 
She liked what they’d come to build with each other.
 
She liked waking up to him and going to sleep with him every night.
 
She liked that he teased her in the kitchen every morning after he came back from his morning run and that he dropped Peter off at school on his way to work.
 
She liked that he checked up on her throughout the day and that she could call him whenever she wanted.
 
She liked their quiet, peaceful evenings together and the passion that followed once Peter went to bed.

She didn’t want to mess up
anything
.
 
But how long could she continue to hold her tongue?
 
How long could she continue to deny her instincts and not just blurt out that she loved him?
 
How long could she keep fooling herself and thinking that everything would just work itself out eventually?

That was the worst part because Maddie just knew that Caleb loved her too.
 
He might not have realized it; or he might’ve realized it, but he just didn’t want to acknowledge it.
 
It was in everything that he did…in the way that he kissed her, and watched her as she told him about what she’d studied that day, and the way his voice softened when he called her ‘princess.’
 
It was in his smile and laugh, both of which he now offered more freely, or when he couldn’t seem to keep his hands off her, or the way his eyebrows drew together in concern whenever her hormones got the best of her.

All the signs were there.
 
And that was what kept her going; it was what gave her hope.
 
She just needed him to realize those feelings, to give him time to process them.
 
He’d had enough pain and betrayal in his life.
 
She didn’t want to push him when it came to romantic attachments because she knew how complicated it could be for him.

Which was another thing that lingered on her mind.
 
Caleb wouldn’t tell her about his aunt’s sexual abuse.
 
He kept that part of him so closed off, completely shut tight, that Maddie wondered if it was even healthy.

And every now and again, it would slip out, seeping through the cracks, leaving him shaken.

A couple times since he’d started sleeping with her in the master bedroom, he’d woken up with a start, sweating, his eyes darting around the dark room.
 
It was like a jolt; it was like a light switch being turned on.
 
A light sleeper, Maddie woke up whenever it happened, feeling the bed tremble and shake and Caleb’s gasping breaths.
 
He’d have to flip on the bedside lamp and illuminate the room before he could calm himself down.
 
And Maddie felt helpless, watching him sit with his back to her on the edge of the bed, running his palms through his damp hair, listening to his deep inhalations.

The first time it happened, she’d asked him, hesitantly, “Do you want to talk about it?”

“No,” he rasped, his voice harsh.
 
“Just go back to bed.”

He’d risen from the bed and locked himself in the bathroom for five, ten, fifteen minutes and when he’d finally return, he’d clasped Maddie to him tightly, very tightly, and fell back into a restless sleep.

The second time it happened, it had been her fault.
 
She’d had a hard time falling asleep that night, worrying about her student loan debt and that she’d have to cut back on her work hours soon, and almost unconsciously, she’d been tracing the dark lines of Caleb’s tattoos.

He’d been in a dead sleep, but had come awake with a start, snatching her wrist and squeezing it hard, as though in warning.
 
She’d cried out more in surprise than in pain and when Caleb realized what he was doing, he’d dropped her wrist like he’d been burned.

“Shit, Maddie,” he’d cursed, hurriedly flipping on the light so he could inspect her wrist.
 
“I—I’m sorry, I didn’t…dammit…”

“No, I’m sorry,” she’d said.
 
“I shouldn’t have done that.”

She’d tried to assure him that she was fine, but it
had
left her a bit shaken.
 
Caleb sensed it.
 
He’d pushed himself out of bed and told her that he was going on a run, even though she’d tried to dissuade him.
 
After he left, Maddie had lain in bed, wide-eyed, knowing that he couldn’t
not
talk to someone about it.
 
Every time she’d tried to breach the subject with him, he’d shot her down.

And he never brought the incidents up again.
 
It was odd because Caleb was usually so confrontational when it came to work or his friends.
 
If something was bothering him, he didn’t hesitate to act on it, to try and make it better.
 
He knew what he wanted and he usually got it, by sheer determination or stubbornness alone.
 
When it came to this, however, he’d rather it all just disappear.

Maddie looked at him now.
 
She could make out his sharp profile in the darkness, the cracks around the window blinds illuminating just enough of the room.
 
He’d fallen asleep, his breaths slow and deep.
 
And even though her cheek was nestled against his shoulder, she made sure not to touch him.

But sometimes it felt like she was running a race she couldn’t win.
 
And as she fell into a troubled sleep, such a divergence from how content she’d felt only moments before, she wondered how much longer she could keep up this facade before she cracked into a million pieces.

FORTY-ONE

It finally happened during such a normal part of her day.
 
So suddenly and so unexpectedly and so carelessly that she almost didn’t realize what had happened before it was too late.

Caleb had called, like he did in the afternoons when she went to campus.
 
They talked about their days so far; Maddie told him about yet another encounter with a stranger on BART who touched her stomach—
why
did strangers like to touch other strangers stomachs anyway?—and Caleb told her that they were one day away from finishing the big restoration they’d been tirelessly working on, only to find out that their client had
another
car coming their way.

The money was good, Caleb had told her, so of course they would take it.
 
But it meant some more late nights and another few weeks of stress.

They were ending their call and Maddie was distracted walking back to campus after lunch because a cyclist was trying to weave his way around her and she kept stepping accidentally into his path.

So when she said goodbye, she almost didn’t register that she said, “I love you,” right after it.
 
It felt so natural, so
easy
, that the words had slipped right out.

It was only when her thumb was hovering over the ‘End Call’ button that she froze in the middle of the pathway.
 
The cyclist cursed and flipped her off as he rode away but she didn’t even care.
 
The call was still running, which meant that Caleb hadn’t ended it on his side yet.
 
More importantly, she wondered if he heard what she’d just said.

Of course he heard, you idiot!
her mind screamed.

She lifted the phone back up to her ear but was met with silence.

“Caleb?” she asked quietly, her heart drumming in her ears.
 
She felt like she’d just swallowed a mouthful of sand.
 
And even though her morning sickness had subsided for the past month, she was suddenly very, very queasy.

She heard a quick inhale over the line and then he said, “I gotta go.”

And then he hung up.

He hung up.

The rest of the day she had a pit in her stomach full of dread.
 
Every minute, she checked her phone, wondering if he’d tried to call her again or text her.
 
Nothing.
 
She debated calling
him
to explain, but what would she say?
 
That she hadn’t meant it?
 
That she didn’t love him?

She wasn’t a liar.
 
Those lies would taste like salt if they came off her tongue.

She couldn’t focus, couldn’t study for the rest of the afternoon, but she knew that if she took the day off and headed home, she’d be even more anxious there.
 
Filled to the brim with it.

Maddie wondered if she should just play it off, pretend like it never happened and act like it was just one of those slips of the tongue.

Then she realized that she couldn’t do that either, that she didn’t even want to.
 
If she did that, she would be even more of a coward than she already was for not saying those words long ago.
 
No, this was her opportunity.
 
She would face this head on, no matter how nervous it made her.

Truthfully, a part of her was relieved.
 
Maybe now, those words would spark confrontation.
 
Maybe Caleb would finally acknowledge what Maddie wanted him to acknowledge and they could move forward in their lives knowing exactly where the other stood.

The other part of her, however, wondered if she’d just ruined everything.

*
   
*
   
*

Caleb never gave her the chance to confront him.
 
That night, he sent her a text saying that he had to work late, to not wait up for him.
 
When he didn’t come home at all—Maddie had tossed and turned all night in an empty bed, listening for his SUV to pull up in the driveway—she knew that she’d have to fight for him, even if it was
against
him.