Beyond the Horizon (The Sons of Templar MC Book 4) (19 page)

“It might,” he agreed. “But I’ll be here to pick you back up, make sure you can fly again. Not that you need me. You’re strong enough,” he said decisively.

I shook my head, both to disagree and to shake off the tears. “I’m not,” I argued softly.

“Strength comes in lots of different forms, Lily. It doesn’t make you weak if you let life knock you down. It makes you strong that you can stay standing for this long,” he told me. “I know what it’s like to run, flower. To believe if you change who you are it might mean that it won’t recognize you, that you won’t feel the extent of the loss the old you endured,” he spoke quietly, with something underneath his raspy words. Something I recognized. Sorrow. “Trust me, I know it doesn’t end well. You can’t hide from yourself. Can’t disguise yourself from grief….” he paused, a faraway look in his eyes. He focused on me. “I lost my little brother when I was fifteen. He was two years younger, but we were close. All we had was each other. Our dad was too drunk to notice us half the time, and our mom ran out when we were young.” He sucked in a breath. “We were in a car wreck. I walked away. He didn’t,” he stated flatly.

I had my hand over my mouth, my eyes on Asher. I felt his pain. Beneath the words was the sorrow that I knew because my own grief recognized it.

“I didn’t want to believe it,” he continued hoarsely. “That it even happened. That I lost my best friend….” he paused. “Then I realized it did happen, he was never coming back. Went down a dark road. Darker than the blackest midnight. Turned into someone who I didn’t recognize, didn’t respect. Thought that was the way to get out from under it. The way to survive,” his clear eyes wouldn’t let me go. “It was the way to die, flower. I realized that. Dragged myself out from under that shit. Found new brothers. Found a new family. Met that shit I’d been running from. I faced what I thought would kill me. I lived.” He stroked my face. “I’m not gonna let that happen to you. Let you know the blackest midnight. Let you venture any further into that shit. I’m not gonna let my flower wilt. I watched you amble down that road I’m so familiar with for long enough. I’m done watching.” He nodded to the building once more. “So it starts with this, you going back to where you belong. We’ll figure the other stuff out. First, you need to stop running. I’m gonna be here, every step of the way,” he promised.

I stared at him, tears running unbidden down my cheeks. I didn’t even notice the world around us. There wasn’t a world around us right now.

“What was his name?” I whispered finally.

Pain, pure agony that my kindred soul recognized swam at the depths of his eyes.

“Benjamin,” he replied softly with a sad smile.

“Does it ever stop hurting to say his name? To remember his face?” I choked out.

Asher’s hand tightened on my neck. “No,” he said slowly. “But you get stronger, learn how to recognize that you can handle the hurt, that it won’t kill you.”

I chewed my lip. I wasn’t strong. I couldn’t even handle public speaking, crowds, meeting new people. How could I ever be strong enough to live with this pain?

Asher’s hand went under my chin to make me meet his eyes once more. “You’re strong,” he declared, reading my mind. “I know you spend your life doubting that, but I’m standing right here in awe of the strength that my little flower has without even recognizing it,” he promised. “Stop running, babe. You can handle it.”

I stared at him for a long moment, then glanced at the building in front of us. I turned my head back to him.

“Okay,” I whispered.

Asher smiled again, he bent to kiss my nose gently before releasing me, moving his hand firmly to clasp mine. And we walked in together, me trying to lift my feet with the weight of grief that had been like a dumbbell for weeks. It wasn’t any lighter, but Asher was right, my ability to carry it around had seemed to increase. I was stronger. Only a little, but it was enough to make a difference.

“You and Asher? You’re a thing?” Gwen half squealed when we made it to them. “You’re a sly little minx.” She winked at me with a smile. “Of course, we all knew he had eyes for you.” She winked again.

I felt myself go red with embarrassment. Asher pulled me into his body as if he could sense me crawling back into my shell. He kissed my hair.

Gwen watched with a huge smile. “Oh, holy shit balls, if that isn’t the cutest thing I’ve ever seen, I don’t know what is,” she exclaimed.

“Gwen, language,” Cade clipped, his eyes twinkling but his tone scolding. His eyes pointedly resting on his daughter’s head.

Gwen’s eyes darted to her husband’s. She rolled them. “Seriously? The man with the mouth of well ... a biker is chastising me for cursing in a decidedly curse-worthy situation? Belle didn’t even hear,” she told him firmly.

As if on cue, a little dark head popped up. “Shit balls,” she parroted in her cute little toddler voice, her beautiful eyes glued on her father. Cade gave Gwen a pointed look then shook his head.

We were all silent for a moment then I burst out laughing. Like, proper, actual laughing. When I stopped, I saw Gwen was wiping a fake tear from the side of her eye, Cade even had a small smile. I glanced up at Asher to see his face devoid of any kind of humor. Instead, he was staring at me with blazing eyes. I didn’t have time to inspect it because Gwen pushed off the sofa, the bundle in her hands being transferred to her husband who expertly jostled Belle so he could cradle Kingston in his huge arms. I would be lying if I said my ovaries didn’t pulse just a little at that sight.

“This occasion, as with most occasions in life, calls for a cocktail,” she declared, her twinkling eyes on me. “You can help me make them,” she decided, snatching my hand and yanking me out of Asher’s arms.

Before I had any chance to say anything, I was being dragged across the clubroom to the bar in the corner. I looked over my shoulder at Asher, who was grinning with his arms crossed, shook his head. I surprised myself by grinning back.

“Okay, so I’m not technically allowed to drink cocktails since I’m breastfeeding,” Gwen scrunched up her nose as she pushed a prospect out of the way and bustled behind the bar. “But I’ve pumped for the night so I should be able to have one,” she informed me, and the prospect went pale. She glanced over at him. “Dude, if you’re going to patch into the Sons you’re going to have to deal with a lot more scarier things than my breast milk,” she informed him with a straight face.

He blanched even further, his panicked eyes darting between us before making his escape. Gwen grinned as soon as his back was turned. I let out another little laugh. The happiness took me by surprise. Sorrow still tainted it, and I was aware of the slight pressure in my chest at being in an uncomfortable environment. But Asher was right, I was stronger.

Gwen started to mix drinks, unearthing two cocktail glasses. It was pretty comical seeing the bar at a biker clubhouse equipped with cocktail making implements, but I didn’t think the Sons were worried about losing their bad ass reputation. It was firmly in place.

“So,” she said, turning serious. “You and Asher. That’s new?”

I sat down on the stool in front of the bar. “Um … kind of?” My voice rose up at the end, betraying me.

Gwen’s eyes narrowed, and she placed the bottle in her hand down on the bar to give me her full attention.

“Kind of?” she repeated with a raised brow.

My eyes darted back to where Asher was sitting with Cade and a couple of other men I didn’t recognize. He was playing with Belle. Cue womb squeeze.

Fingers clicked in front of my face.

“Lily. Do not go into a fugue state perving at your man. I need details,” she commanded.

I focused my eyes back on her. “Well, we may have had a ... thing three years ago,” I explained slowly.

Gwen gave me a silent look to urge me to explain.

I chewed my lip. I didn’t talk to anyone about this. I had only told Bex, I hadn’t even told Mom. Now I wished I had. Asked for her advice. Somehow that thought had it all tumbling out right here in the clubhouse where anyone could overhear. And I didn’t care.

When the last word had tumbled out of my mouth, Gwen was staring at me with her mouth open. She closed it abruptly.

“You’ve always got to watch the quiet ones,” she muttered to herself.

She handed me a cocktail glass filled with amber liquid. I thought of Asher’s words the previous night about how I was running. About how alcohol helped me do that. I took a sip. I may have been stronger, but I wasn’t ready to feel it all yet. The full extent of it. To go back to the old Lily. I needed the new Lily right now. I wouldn’t make it through the night without her, not with more men and women arriving at the clubhouse as Gwen and I spoke. The weight in my chest intensified as I entertained the prospect of having to face the blonde woman again.

“You two acted like you hadn’t even shared a latte let alone a bed,” she mused in amazement.

I didn’t know what to say, so I stayed silent, sipping on my drink.

She rounded the bar with her own glass, sitting beside me. “I know you’re shy honey, that you’re quiet. But why did you feel the need to keep this secret? There’s too much of that around here,” she added with a sad glint on her pretty face.

I considered her words a moment. “I had to forget,” I told her quietly, my eyes downcast. “If I talked, shared it, I wouldn’t be able to breathe, be able to do what I needed to do for Mom.” My blurry eyes met hers. “I needed to breathe,” I whispered.

Her eyes twinkled, and she nodded in understanding. “You’re a pretty amazing person, Lily,” she informed me.

I glanced at her in disbelief. This woman, who’d survived a kidnapping, a shooting and losing her brother without losing the ability to laugh was telling me I was amazing?

“No, I’m just normal,” I replied.

Her hand found mine and squeezed it hard. “No, honey. You’re the furthest from normal I’ve ever met.” Her eyes found her husband’s. “Not that I’ve got much experience with normal,” she added lightly. Her eyes moved back to me. “You’re special. I’m sure your mom told you that, that Asher will remind you of that. But I just want to know I think that, too.”

I blinked through the tears at the words coming from the women I admired and wanted to emulate in some way.

She seemed to sense I didn’t know what to say because she stood, plastering a grin on her face.

“Right, we’ve got a sitter for the rugrats picking them up at any moment. It’s time to show you how an Old Lady parties,” she winked at me.

“You’re drunk, Lily?” Asher’s voice tickled my ear, and his hands circled around my mid-section.

I turned my head to meet his chocolate eyes. They were blurry. “Yes,” I admitted sheepishly. I knew he didn’t approve of my coping mechanism and I expected him to be angry. To my surprise, he shook his head and smiled. Kissing my forehead.

Rosie, who I’d been chatting to, grinned wide. She elbowed Gwen. “You were right. Hottest couple I’ve ever laid eyes on. Sorry, sis, they might even knock you and Cade out of the park,” she exclaimed, looking between Asher and I and Gwen and her husband, locked in a similar embrace.

I felt my face flame. I’d done my best to fly under the radar tonight. It was hard considering Asher and I seemed to be hot news. Luckily Gwen and Rosie hadn’t left my side. It had helped, but the weight in my chest was still heavy as the night wore on and the clubhouse became more crowded. It wasn’t late, and I was glad for Asher’s arms and the solace they offered.