Beyond the Horizon (The Sons of Templar MC Book 4) (18 page)

“Okay,” I whispered.

He nodded, kissing my nose. He moved me off him to tuck me back into his chest.

“Sleep now,” he commanded softly.

I snuggled closer to his warm body, squeezing my eyes shut. Hopefully, the presence of it would help make the nightmares go away.

I jolted awake with a pounding heart and a panicked mind. I was suffocating, choking, air trapped in my chest. My throat closed up, and I struggled to get any oxygen into my lungs, no matter how hard I sucked it in desperately. The light switched on, Asher’s worried face was illuminated, and he clutched my shoulders.

“Holy fuck, Lily, what is it?” he commanded urgently, his eyes darting over my entire body as if he was looking for a wound.

I struggled to catch my breath, to get words out. It wasn’t lost on me, I hadn’t told him about my asthma, so he wouldn’t know about the terrifying attacks that had plagued me since I was a kid. Right after I turned nine in fact. I hadn’t had one in a long while, the terror was not unfamiliar, but unexpected.

“Lily?” he shouted as I wheezed, unable to speak.

Be calm. Try to be calm, I told myself. I knew panic made it worse. Calm is hard when an invisible hand tightened around your throat, making you drown with no water in sight. I moved my shaking arm to the drawer beside my bed where my inhaler lived.

“I’m calling a fuckin’ ambulance,” he bellowed, his eyes saturated with panic he couldn’t disguise. “Breathe, flower, hold on,” he pleaded.

The door opened and Asher’s eyes cut to it, his body tightening even further. Bex didn’t even say a word, as soon as she laid her eyes on me, she knew what was going on. She rushed to the bed, pushing Asher’s hands off my shoulders. He moved, more with shock than anything else I think.

“Lilmeister, look at me,” she commanded calmly. “Go to your place,” she ordered softly.

“What the fuck’s going on?” Asher yelled his phone at his ear.

Bex didn’t glance at him. “Get off the phone and get me the inhaler and nebulizer from the drawer beside her bed,” she snapped.

Asher’s face jolted for a spilt-second in surprise, then he moved.

“Lils, at me,” Bex commanded.

I locked my frantic eyes onto her calm ones.

“Think of the horizon,” she whispered as she fiddled with the inhaler Asher thrust into her hands. “You’re on a beach, remember? The air’s clear, it’s so warm it sinks into your bones, and you can hear the waves crashing in your ears. Take a deep breath, taste the saltwater air,” she commanded softly, her voice serene, eyes on me.

“What the fuck is going on?” Asher shouted, juxtaposing Bex’s gentle tone. His eyes locked on mine with something I’d never seen behind them. Fear.

“She’s having an asthma attack,” Bex replied quickly.

She placed the nebulizer over my mouth and pressed the button on the inhaler.

“Breathe,” she instructed calmly.

I focused, remembering my mom doing the same thing when I was little. She’d be calm, not panicked as I struggled to catch a breath. She’d told me to think of a sunset, go somewhere else and close my eyes and focus on that, not the strangling feeling in my chest. She’d sat holding my inhaler, describing in her melodic voice the place where I could go to find a way to breathe, to get through. She was never frantic. Though I’m sure she felt it, she never let it show, not until after at least. Then she’d rush me to the ER.

I closed my eyes fastening my shaking hands around the nebulizer. I tried to slow my heartbeat, picture the beautiful sunset, the horizon, my mom living beyond that, in that better place.

It took a while, to get past the panic that came with getting robbed of breath, of realizing I could suck it in once more, but I got there.

I opened my eyes to Bex and Asher’s worried gazes. I slowly lowered my inhaler.

“I’m okay,” I rasped after sucking in some more oxygen.

Asher stared at me, his face was blank, blinking a couple of times. Then his whole body sagged with relief. He moved closer to me, to cup my neck, his eyes intent on mine, searching my face.

“I’m still calling an ambulance,” he declared, glancing down onto his phone.

I put my hand on his arm. “I’m okay. I don’t need an ambulance,” I protested in a husky voice.

His eyes cut back to me. “You stopped fuckin’ breathing,” he said slowly, his voice ragged.

“It’s not the first time it’s happened,” I replied softly.

“It may be scary as shit, biker boy, but Lily’s right,” Bex put in from the other side of me, squeezing my hand. “She’s gone through this before. Not much the hospital can do now anyway. Trust me, I dragged her ass there the first time it happened,” she informed him with a shaky smile. I knew she was trying to mask her own fright. It wasn’t exactly cake when you watched someone suffocate on their own lungs. It wasn’t cake experiencing it either.

I smiled a sad smile at this. She had. She’d also called my mom in hysterics and then put her on the phone to me after locating my inhaler and thrusting it at me. Mom’s gentle voice had helped me focus on getting my breath back. That would never happen again. I’d never get that voice coaxing me out of the vortex of terror that came with my attacks. I blinked away the tears that came with this realization.

I unfastened the nebulizer and took a puff of the smaller part of the inhaler.

Asher’s eyes narrowed. “I didn’t even know she had asthma,” he muttered quietly. His voice was defeated as if he was angry at himself.

Bex gave him a sad smile. “Well, our Lily’s not about sharing much with the general public, in case you hadn’t noticed.” She winked at me. “She keeps this particular nugget close to her chest, excuse the expression.” She squeezed my hand again, her eyes turning serious. “You okay now, Lils babe?”

I nodded, my throat feeling too dry to speak. Plus, I was too busy trying to catch my breath, it was hard to both breathe and speak after an attack. Bex knew this, and reached over to the glass of water beside my bed, handing it to me. I gulped the water greedily, trying to swallow in between breaths. I gave her a smile in thanks.

She watched me drink with her eagle eye, as did Asher, but his gaze was intent, alert, as if he was expecting me to drop dead at any moment.

“Okay, my work here is done,” Bex exclaimed, pushing off the bed. “As much as I hate seeing you like that, at least I got a glimpse of your man shirtless. That’ll turn anyone breathless,” she winked at me then left the room.

I giggled slightly, the sound wheezy. Only Bex could make me laugh moments after an asthma attack.

Asher was not smiling. He was staring at me, his hand reached out to touch my throat lightly, then moved to my chest, laying it there for a moment. We were silent, his eyes didn’t leave mine, his hand moving on my chest with my breaths.

“Been in a lot of scary situations, babe,” he began quietly. “Been shot at, had to shoot at other people. Thought death might be around the corner on many of those occasions,” he continued, his eyes never leaving mine.

My heart started pounding under his hand, the image of Asher getting shot at causing more panic than the breath that had been stolen from me moments before.

“I’ve never been more afraid than just then, waking up to see you not being able to fuckin’ breathe. Not knowing what was going on, or how to help you. Thinking you were going to fucking die, right in front of me. Not being able to do a fuckin’ thing. I’d take bullets over that any day,” he declared hotly. His hand moved to my jaw. “Me watching it was scary as shit. You experiencing it, fuck, flower.” He actually grimaced, shaking his head. He was silent for a moment, looking down at my hand which was loosely grasping my inhaler. His own moved to cover it before he met my eyes once more. I almost flinched at the tortured look in his usually strong gaze. “Why didn’t you tell me?” he asked softly.

I shrugged. “Well, we haven’t exactly had much time to get to know the details of each other’s lives, if you haven’t noticed,” I pointed out, taking another puff of my inhaler.

Asher’s jaw went hard. “We’ve had two weeks of getting to know details,” he clipped, staring at my inhaler. “That’s a pretty important detail, Lily. Especially when you’re dancing on goddamned tables, and drinking yourself into the ground….” he paused, grimacing. “Jesus, letting me fuck you like that….” he trailed off sounding disgusted in himself.

My stomach dropped. “That….” I whispered hoarsely, “that right there, is why I didn’t tell you. It’s not ... sexy. This….” I waved the inhaler, “I don’t want you treating me like glass. I like that you treat me like I won’t break, I never want you to look at me like you are now. Like I’m weak,” I whispered. I’d already had enough things that crippled me, my shyness, my inability to be bad ass in scary situations like Gwen and Amy, my utter normalcy. “I don’t want you to see me like I’m some weak flower, some damsel needing to be rescued. Someone you need to take care of. I’m not that. I don’t want to be your burden,” I continued, voicing my worst fear.

Asher’s whole body stilled, and his jaw turned tight. He didn’t say a word. Not for a long while.

“You’re angry,” I observed after I couldn’t stand the silence any longer.

“Not angry, just thinking,” he replied tightly.

“Thinking about being angry,” I clarified.

His face softened. “No, Lily. Just thinking. About how I can educate you on how amazing and how far from weak you are. How I can make you see you’re special. How I can make you understand that there’s nothing that can make me think otherwise,” he murmured. “How you’re not a delicate flower, but the most beautiful, most resilient woman I’ve had the pleasure of knowing. A flower that gets trampled on by life, but somehow manages to emerge, unbruised, and more beautiful than ever after it.” He cupped my face. “You don’t need anyone to take care of you. I want to. It’s a privilege to be given a beautiful flower to nurture, to protect.”

The breath left me, but this time in a good way.

“I’m coming to the conclusion there’s not much I can say. Not right now anyway,” he continued. “I don’t think it’s about me saying anything. I think it’s about showing you. Every single day. Starting tomorrow,” he stated.

He moved so his back was against the wall, and I was buried in his chest once more. “That’s tomorrow. Which you need rest for. Now you sleep,” he ordered firmly.

Usually, I didn’t sleep, not after an attack. I’d lie awake terrified for hours, trying to remind myself breath was coming easy, my mind taunting me with how easy that could change. I prepared for that. To my utter surprise, I let sleep claim me, encircled in Asher’s arms.

Because I fell into oblivion so quickly, I didn’t notice Asher watching me. Didn’t realize he spent the rest of the night with his hand on my chest, only surrendering to sleep when the daylight kissed the corner of the room, chasing away the demons of the night.

“I know I said you needed your rest for today, but I didn’t plan to let you do anything that would require energy ... not until later at least,” Asher murmured, his arms going around my stomach and mouth at my neck. “I’m also not fond of waking up without you, I’ve had enough mornings of that,” he added on a grumble.

“You look so cute when you’re sleeping, I didn’t want to ruin it,” I replied, my eyes on the pan I was cooking breakfast in. “Plus, you said you wanted to get to know each other right? Getting to know me means tasting my world famous French toast,” I told him seriously.

Asher squeezed my waist. “I’m sure it tastes good, flower, but not as good as the breakfast I planned on having this morning.” His hand moved down to the waistband of my shorts.

I swallowed, doing my best to focus on the task at hand.

“And I’m not cute,” he continued, his hand tickling the top of my panties. “I’m manly and rugged, handsome if you must, but never cute,” he said firmly.

I couldn’t help it, I burst out laughing. I’d never really seen the playful side of Asher, I liked it. The juxtaposition of his muscled and hard exterior with such silliness was refreshing. It was also the first genuine laugh I’d had in a long time, in recorded memory it seemed.

Asher moved the pan off the stove and twisted me in his arms, hands going to my neck.

“I’ll forego my planned breakfast to hear that any day,” he told me quietly, his eyes serious. He stroked the corner of my eye. “See those light up.” His eyes moved to my mouth, which was still miraculously turned up. “You’ve got the sweetest smile I’ve ever seen,” he whispered. “I’ll move Heaven and earth to give you more reasons to show it to me.”

I blinked. “You have to let me finish our breakfast,” I muttered, not needing those feelings, the ones that came with those words. Not first thing in the morning. Not when they chased away the demons I’d been waking up with. I had to learn how to chase them away myself. Relying on Asher to do so would result in disaster.

He gave me a long look then leaned in and kissed me firmly. I expected him to move back and let me do my thing. He stayed, searching my face.

“You okay today, flower?” he asked with obvious concern, his large hand moving to my chest, letting it rise and fall with my breath.

I glanced down at how large and powerful it looked against my chest and gave him a shaky smile. “I’m fine.”

He gave me a look, his jaw hard and eyes plagued with worry, the playfulness of before long gone.

“It takes me a few days to get over the shock of it all, but physically, I’m fine,” I reassured him, placing my hand on top of his.

He searched my eyes, obviously looking for a lie. He nodded then kissed my head.

“I don’t want you hiding shit like that from me anymore. You’re feeling anything out of the ordinary, you tell me right away,” he commanded.

I nodded. It was the only way to get him off my case, I knew.

“Lily, I mean it. Anything, we’re going to the hospital,” he continued.

I wanted to roll my eyes. I also wanted to embrace the warm feeling that seemed to settle in my broken soul and start to jostle the broken pieces back together. The feeling of him taking care of me. Worrying about me. Caring about me.

I was lost in thought I didn’t notice he was staring at me expectantly, obviously waiting for a verbal response.

“Yes, Asher, I promise,” I said quietly.

“Good,” he replied simply, stroking my neck. “I don’t like that shit,” he muttered. “A girl like you shouldn’t struggle with something as simple as breathing, the world’s already taken enough from you. Trying to steal your ability to exist? To breathe easy? That shit’s not okay.” He played with a tendril of my hair. “I don’t want you breathless when you deserve to have every breath on this earth easy,” he muttered.

I stared at him. “If you don’t want me breathless then you might need to remove yourself from my immediate vicinity,” I half whispered. “Or make that my life. You steal my breath when you say things like that, but in a good way. In the best way,” I told him, surprising myself with my honesty. My shield was lying in tatters at my feet, and I stared at him with nothing protecting me. I trusted him not to hurt me.

His entire frame jolted and his face went blank. I waited for a couple of seconds for him to answer, but he stayed silent, his eyes moving over every inch of my face like he was committing them to memory. The intensity in his gaze told me my words had just changed things, shifted them. A large part of me did a happy dance at this, but a smaller, more powerful part urged me to run, rebuild that shield as quickly as possible.

“Can I cook our breakfast now?” I asked with fake impatience, trying to chase away both parts for now. Just live in the moment.

“I’ll allow it,” he said dryly. “Only if you tell me what I can do to help,” he added, completely surprising me.

My eyes bulged slightly. “You, Asher, manly biker type, want to help cook breakfast?” I clarified.

He pretended to look offended. “Don’t look so surprised, Lily, I’m not a man to sit on my ass and let my woman run after me. Especially after shit last night.” He sounded serious on the end. Though, he stepped forward to squeeze my ass. “And, being on this side of the counter means I’m within grabbing distance if I feel like it.” He winked.

Winked! I was enjoying playful Asher. “You’re like this, and you haven’t even had coffee,” I pointed out in amazement.

Asher gave me a hungry look, yanking my body to his. “Who needs coffee when I’ve got you to get me out of bed?” he said seriously.

Before I could melt in a puddle at his feet, Bex came in to save the day.

“Seriously. If I put a hidden webcam in here I could make thousands off the two of you,” she grumbled as she padded into the kitchen, aiming for the coffee pot.

“Good morning to you, too, sunshine,” I called from Asher’s arms, grinning.

Bex turned to me, sipping from her coffee mug. When her eyes caught mine, something in them turned sad, though she smiled. It was quickly masked.

“If I have to endure PDA from two beautiful people, you’ve got to tell me you’re cooking me breakfast, too,” she said as she sat herself on a barstool.

I gently pulled out of Asher’s arms and put the pan back on the stove.

For the first time in weeks, no months, I was actually looking forward to the day ahead of me.

“Holy Hell in a handbasket,” Gwen yelled from across the room when Asher and I walked into the clubhouse.

I felt self-conscious about my attire as I hadn’t been prepared for a club party when leaving the house today. I was wearing high-waisted, form-fitting, light denim jeans, a white boyfriend shirt and strappy maroon heels. My hair was piled atop my head and I wore little makeup.

“I wish you’d let me go home and change before we came here,” I hissed in his ear on our approach.

Gwen was glam as usual. Even from across the room I could spy her strappy electric blue
Manolos
. The woman had a kid for chrissakes, two of them!

“You’re beautiful,” he replied firmly. “And if I’d let you go home you wouldn’t have come,” he added.

I was silent. He had me there. Gwen’s eyes weren’t focused on my outfit, they were glued to our intertwined hands as we approached the sofa where she was cradling her little boy, Knox. Cade was at her side, a sleeping Belle draped over his chest. He regarded us with his normal blank badass stare. His badassness was not hampered by the tender hand he had placed around his daughter’s small body, nor the other one around his wife. That was not an easy feat.

I swallowed, trying to calm the fear that had choked me when we’d pulled up to the compound. That had turned me mute when Asher had walked us through the outside where people had been milling and shouting greetings to each other. I had seen many of the men before, but not in such large numbers, and definitely not on their biker turf. It was safe to say my shyness was back with a vengeance. It had all but disappeared after a day with Asher. He’d taken me on a ride, somehow knowing after the strangling claustrophobic feeling of last night I needed openness, fresh air, to feel alive. I was already feeling touched by death, my attack had me feeling caressed by it. Asher, his mere presence, his body against mine, it chased away the reaper. I’d fallen even deeper in love with him. That was until his ride finished at a familiar brick building. One that once held excitement and the promise of future. Now, it only held the ghost of the life before.

“What are we doing here?” I asked flatly after the roar of the Harley had silenced, and Asher had gotten off his bike.

He stared at me, I hadn’t moved from my seat, only yanked my helmet off so I could speak and not look like a dork.

“You’re going in, to sign up for your classes again,” he stated, crossing his arms.

I stared at him. He didn’t offer further explanation, so I stared some more my serenity quickly replaced by cold anger, one that masked the mild panic and despair that was simmering beneath my façade.

“Do we need to take you to the hospital?” I asked seriously.

Asher’s brows furrowed together. “Not sure I get that statement, flower.”

I sat a little straighter, wanting to get up to even up our stances, but not wanting to look like I was conceding one bit.

“I’m assuming you’re suffering from some disease that messes with your brain function, primarily thinking you have the right to take me here and try and dictate any part of my life,” I hissed with a venom I didn’t know I was capable of.

Asher didn’t flinch nor change his expression in the face of my anger, if anything, his eyes softened slightly and he stepped forward, arm extended. I gave him a look that warned for the fate of said arm if he used it to touch me. Obviously, I wasn’t good at the threat of dismemberment because his rough hand caressed my cheek.

“You need to do this, Lily,” he told me quietly, eyes not leaving mine.

I jutted my chin out. “And you know what I need better than I do?” I retorted.

He paused. “I’d like to think I know you better than you know yourself,” he began. “But, that’s not true. I look forward to knowing every inch of you. You know yourself, what you need, you’re just scared of it. I’m in a better position to show it to you, to give you the opportunity to give yourself what you need.” He nodded to the building. “You need to go back to college, babe, back to your future, your life. You need to start living it. Not running from it,” he said sagely.

I refused to look away from him. “I’m not running from anything,” I lied.

His face turned sad and the hand at my cheek tightened slightly. “Yeah, babe, you are. You’re sprinting. You’re breathless, running for your life. You need to realize it’s gonna catch you, and it’s not gonna be the end.”

I blinked at him. He saw so much more than I thought anyone did. Than even I did. My anger fell away quickly, the energy of holding it up was something I couldn’t keep up, when I was too busy trying to hold myself together.

“You don’t know that,” I whispered. “What it’ll feel like when it catches me. I’m not strong enough to take it. It’ll bowl me over, I won’t be strong enough to get back up,” I choked out.

Asher stepped forward and lifted me completely off the bike, encircling me in his arms, holding me in the air for a moment before settling me on the ground. He didn’t let me go, nor did he release me from his intense gaze.