Black & Ugly as Ever (8 page)

“Name one.” I asked.
“Name one?” he repeated looking confused and obviously trying to buy time.
“Just one. That looks like me that I can relate too.”
I got him. There was not one single woman on TV that was considered attractive, with a complexion as dark as mine.
“But does that make you unattractive?” he finally replied not able to think of anyone.
“It seems like it.” My words were too hard to swallow. “How can I feel good when everything I see on TV is contradictory to what I see in the mirror?”
“Parade…that’s a question you’re gonna have to answer. TV doesn’t make who you are inside or out,” he said softly touching my hand. “you do.”
It was totally silent until, “Kimberly Elise!” Sweets blurted out covering her mouth quickly. She remembered Miss Wayne told her to be quiet but had forgotten.
“What?” we both said simultaneously.
She uncovered her mouth and said, “Kimberly Elise. She’s on TV and you guys have the same complexion.”
I knew who she was. She played Denzel’s wife in John Q and she played in Tyler Perry’s movie
Diary of a Mad Black Woman
. Still I didn’t know if she was pretty enough for me. Or maybe because she didn’t fit the description of what I was told pretty was.
“Yeah…I guess.” I pulled up in Merriweather’s parking lot.
“Kimberly Elise, huh?” Miss Wayne repeated shaking his head looking at Sweets as we stepped out of the car. “Yous about a stupid, bitch!”
“I was just tryin’ to help,” Sweets said easing out of the car. “The truth is, Parade, you gonna have to stop lettin’ everybody else’s problem with your complexion be your burden. You are a woman. A beautiful one at that…and you have to start exuding that to everyone you meet.”
Wow. Sweets got deep on me and for a second, she seemed different. Like she really cared. It was weird and made me somewhat uncomfortable because her words hit home.
“Girl, shut your fake ass up and come on!” Miss Wayne replied.
They were arguing and I needed to think. I allowed them to walk ahead of me to clear my mind. Cause I still wasn’t convinced that the complexion I wore, wasn’t the reason why everything went bad in my life, and it was going to take a miracle to change my mind. And God wasn’t in the business of performing miracles in my life so I knew it would never happen.

I’m watching TV and everything on reminds me of “
It
”. I can’t stop the urge and the desire I have to satisfy my ultimate craving. To get high. Not even the baby I carry in my womb makes the urge go away. At first the picture of Miss Wayne’s bashed up face in my mind helps, but soon the violence he suffered because of me no longer works. Yet the only thing that holds me is that I know if I leave, Miss Wayne will come looking for me and I can’t risk something happening to him…again.

I was able to get some dope from a white girl who lives in the next building over one day. I couldn’t believe she let me get high with her. I guess misery loves company. I knew she was a dope head the moment I laid eyes on her. But after I told her I’d come back with my share of the money, and never did, she left me alone.

I decided to turn up the sound on the part in the movie
Stomp The Yard,
where Columbus Short danced off the song, “
Walk It Out
”. That part always got me hyped and usually drew me into it. He looked like he owned the club when he moved on the stage. I remember when me, Parade, Sky and Miss Wayne use to hang out at the club. We use to own it too. I would always get high right before I went to put my mind at ease. But back then, I only fucked with Ecstasy.

I jumped up and went to Miss Wayne’s room looking for some sweat pants and a baggy T-shirt large enough to cover my tummy. I needed to hide my pregnancy before I copped. Sometimes…not often…dealers didn’t want to serve you if they had a conscious. I hated those types. My business was my business not theirs.

I didn’t need this unborn baby stopping me from getting what I wanted, and sometimes I resented it. When I rummaged through his dresser, all I saw was tight pants, and girly clothes, none of which would fit over my stomach. And then I remembered, his lover Keith lived here too and always wore extra large clothes.

I made my way over to his side of the bedroom and accidentally hit my toe on the metal bed frame. Falling onto the bed I rubbed my toe until the pain subsided. This is crazy. What am I doing? It had been one day since I smoked and I want so badly to beat this thing. I just can’t. Still, it feels good being able to walk around without it. For the first time in a long time I feel proud. I don’t need that stuff. I can beat this! If I just try.

I got up on my way to return to the living room when I thought,
I could start over tomorrow
. Tomorrow I’ll beat this thing for good and protect me and my baby. Yeah…my baby.
My baby
. What am I doing? I’m pregnant?!!!

“Lord please help me do this.” I cried as I lay against the wall before sliding down into a ball on the floor. “I can’t do this alone. I’m gonna kill my baby and I’m gonna kill myself too.”

As I prayed for God to help me, I heard keys in the door. Did Miss Wayne forget something? I stood up and walked to the hallway and saw Keith walking in with two Louis Vuitton bags.

“Where’s my, honey?” he asked locking the door after placing his bags down.
“He’s at the concert.” I told him as I took my place on the couch. I didn’t want him coming in and controlling the TV like he usually did. He knew I didn’t have a room and the only space I had was in the living room on the couch. Yet some days he would bogart the TV and stretch out on the couch knowing full well I didn’t have anywhere else to go in the apartment. And then when Miss Wayne wasn’t home, he forbade me from going in his room. It’s like he really didn’t want me here or he wanted me to kiss his ass like it was his place. “Him and Parade left about forty minutes ago.”
“He cook?” he eyeballed my full breasts.
“Yeah.” I said focusing on the movie. He was making me uncomfortable. This was weird. Why is he staring at me like this? Prior to now I thought he didn’t have any feelings for me either which way. So what changed?
“Won’t you warm me up something to eat real quick?”
“Okay.” I felt defeated as I handed him the remote. I guess me and my baby wouldn’t have that plate in the microwave after all.
“I don’t need the remote, I’m good.” He sat it down beside him. “You can have the TV when you come back. Besides, I’d rather watch you instead.”
Suddenly having the TV wasn’t important to me anymore. I was lost and didn’t know how to take him. I couldn’t go into their room because I didn’t belong. I couldn’t stay out here because I would be in the way. I wish I never let my apartment go. I warmed up the plate and reluctantly placed it on the table in front of him.
“Salt?”
“Huh?” I responded wiping the water from rinsing his plate on my night pants.
“Where’s the salt?” he asked digging into his meal finally taking his eyes off of me.
“Oh…I’m sorry, I’ll bring it now.”
I walked back in the kitchen trying to figure where I could go and who I could call. I was so far away from D.C. that nobody would want to pick me up. And outside of Miss Wayne, I didn’t have any
true
friends. Everyone I’d associated myself with now was into drugs. I was trying to get away from everything but people make it hard. Keith is making it hard.
I placed the salt and pepper on the table and sat at the far end of the couch. With
Stomp The Yard
still on, I watched the part where the lead character in the movie introduced himself online after recently being accepted into the fraternity. I hoped and prayed Keith wouldn’t do anything to compromise me and the love I had for Miss Wayne.
When he was done eating he said, “So how’s the drug thing comin’ along?”
“I’m doin’ good.” I explained looking at him briefly before returning my eyes to the moving objects on TV. I was no longer able to focus on what was going on or what was being said.
“Come sit by me,” he said patting the cushion next to him.
“I’m good over here,” I smiled looked at him briefly before turning away.
Reaching in my direction he repeated, “I said come sit next to me.” He demanded grabbing my wrist.
I could tell he wasn’t applying a lot of pressure now but my wrist still hurt. Didn’t he know I was HIV positive? Or had Miss Wayne concealed it from him?
“I’m positive.”
“What?”
“I’m HIV positive.” I sat next to him like he requested. I was trembling. Next he forced me on my knees and I was directly in front of him.
“So am I.” He smiled as he unzipped his pants stroking his extra large penis. “I just want you to suck it. And suck it good.”
I knew he was lying about being positive and probably figured this was some sort of attempt to make him stop. It was, but I was also telling the truth. I’m HIV positive and if he persisted, he’d be positive too.
“Please don’t make me do this.” I begged as he placed his hand behind my head, his penis completely out. “I love Miss Wayne and this would hurt him so much. He’s my best friend.”
“Okay,” he smiled. “Just kiss it a little and I’ll leave you alone. I just want you to wet my dick everyday with those pretty pink lips and we can consider your debt here paid. Okay?”
“What debt?” I cried trying to buy time.
“You don’t think your living here isn’t coming out my pocket too do you? I’m payin’ your expenses too. It ain’t just Wayne.”
“But I can earn money. Please don’t do this to me. Miss Wayne loves you!”
He grew hard in his hand before I even had a chance to do anything. The only thing he cared about was cumming. Keith was handsome. I couldn’t understand why he was doing this to me. He could get any girl he wanted. Or any man for that matter.
“Shut the fuck up! You’re talking too much!” He screamed and lines began to form in his forehead.
“I’m not doing it!” I pushed away from him and scooted backwards on the floor.
“Oh you want to be a disrespectful bitch!” He said leaping toward me. He was more than angry. He was furious!
Once he grabbed me, he spread my legs apart. On top of me, he pressed his body against mine and instantly my fighter instinct kicked in. I had to protect my baby! Not thinking, I put my fingers in his eyes and he screamed out in pain. After that I kicked him repeatedly with the soles of my feet while moving toward the door on my hands and knees. He jumped on my back weighing my stomach to the floor. He didn’t care about me or my baby.
We rolled over and I ended on his stomach as he wrapped his arms and legs around me. Why was he doing this to me? This is crazy! Getting up off me, he tried to remove my pajama pants. After a few thwart attempts to fight him off, eventually he’s successful at pulling them down. With his dick in his hands, he moved for my pussy. I kicked him off again screaming my ass off. Somehow, by the grace of God I made it to the door. I ran as fast as I could and he couldn’t catch me. I didn’t look back. God! What now?!

The outdoor concert was crowded. People wore smiles as they sang along with the melodies of the artist. The sun shine on me warmly and I tried to place myself in the mood for life, love and happiness with my friend Miss Wayne.

I’m so happy we found a spot with enough room to spread out the quilt Miss Wayne brought, without everyone breathing on us. Suddenly I felt stupid for giving him such a hard time today for making sure we were prepared. This is what he always did. Cared for others. It was his gift. Because of him we could enjoy the concert as if we were looking at it from the comfort of our home.

“Uh…excuse me. But uh…can I share the quilt too? You knocking me over.” Sweets asked as one ass cheek lay on the quilt and the other lay on the ground.

“Sure.” Miss Wayne smiled. “You can sit on the one you brought with you.” He pushed her further on the damp grass with his hips. “Now move!”

She pouted and sat on the grass crossing her legs. I shook my head because I never seen Miss Wayne throw as much shade as he did to her, with anybody else. He truly couldn’t stand her and I wished he would tell me the real deal. Miss Wayne’s not a hater and tends to bite his tongue to allow others to make their own mistakes. So what was different now?

“You’ve got this look I can’t describe. You make me feel like I’m alive. When everything else is okay, without a doubt you’re on my side. Heaven has been away too long, Can’t find the words to write this song of your love. Ohhhhhh your love…..” Miss Wayne sang along with Corrine’s melodic voice.

I put my head back and thought about my life and how things would be being married and filthy rich. A smile came across my face because my life is nothing like it use to be. Yet something was missing. And I was scared to find out what.

I felt on top of the world until I looked up and saw Jay.
Jay Hernandez
. My Jay! He was sitting in the row of seats right before me. His hairy arm was wrapped around the back of the girl’s chair and she was kissing him softly on the lips. Her long black hair draped behind her seat like a beautiful curtain. Without looking at her face, I knew she was beautiful.

I felt a wave of sickness come over me. Suddenly any thoughts of happiness went out the window. How could he? He was mine! I don’t care if I haven’t been answering his phone calls or taking his visits. I cared about him. I needed him. I just didn’t know it until now.

“Miss Wayne, I’ll be right back.” I stood up and dusted myself off.
“Okay but you’re gonna miss the best part.” He looked up at me and his beautiful eyes were worried.
“Yeah! This is your favorite song.” Sweets reminded me.
“Girl, shut up!” Miss Wayne told her tapping her leg. “You’re like a worrisome ass dog humpin’ on my cankles (calf and ankles combined).” When he was done with her he looked up at me and said, “Hurry back.”
I was already moving. Every step I took was difficult. It was like Jay was sitting on top of my head, physically. I was so shook I almost stepped on a few people sitting on the lawn enjoying the concert. Why can’t I shake him? He is not good for me. Since the moment I laid eyes on him he belonged to someone else, my best friend at that. Still…I feel as if we were meant to be, almost as if we are soul mates. I want that man. I need that man to hold me. To touch me. To kiss me.
“Can I have a bottled water please?” I told the cashier at the concession stand. I don’t even know how I ended up here. I handed her a hundred dollar bill.
“You ain’t got nothin’ smaller?” She made me feel slightly embarrassed that I had a larger bill than she could break.
“No, because unfortunately…my man gives
everything
to me big.” I said sarcastically waiting on her weak ass reply.
“Whatever!” She rummaged through the drawer.
“You know what,” I said wanting to prove a point that money ain’t nothin’ but a thang to me. “Keep the change and by yourself some manners, bitch!”
I walked off and everybody looked at me in disbelief. It felt good because back in the day, my broke ass could ride off a C note for at
least
three weeks. My mind was on the cashier but my heart returned to Jay. I looked toward the chairs this time and didn’t see him! All that appeared was her long flowing hair. Maybe he was under the seat eating her pussy, something he never did to me.
I was so busy thinking about him that I didn’t see the group of girls in front of me.
“Excuse me.” I was able to stop right before we collided.
“Black bitch!” I heard one of them say.
I stopped in my tracks, turned around and said, “What did you just say to me?!” as loud as I could to be heard over the music.
The three girls turned around. I felt like this was Dejavu. Except last time this happened, Sky, Miss Wayne and Daffany were by my side. Now I was alone.
“Come again.” The brown skin tall girl said as she raised her brow and balled her fist.
“I said what did you just say to me?” I walked toward her. I needed someone to take my frustrations out on and she would be perfect. She was a fighter just like me and easily provoked. I saw it in her eyes and I lusted after a good match!
“I don’t know what you’re talking about, sweetheart,” she looked at me from my eyes to my toes. “but you should keep it moving.”
“I’m not moving a motha fuckin’ place!” I was now close enough to lay hands on this slut! “Why did you call me a black bitch?”
“Oh!” she laughed as her friends begin to giggle.
“What’s funny, whore?” I felt as if I were being made a fool of.
“Whore?” She wiped the smile off her face. “First off your mother’s not here and second off I’m laughing because we weren’t even talking about you. I was talking about this girl over there I know.”
I smiled and said, “For starters my mother
is
a whore,” I told her needing to fight somebody. All of their mouths dropped due to hearing me talk about my mother and I wished I could take my comment back. “And I know you
were
talkin’ about me and now I’ma make you eat your words.”
I was just about to swing on her when I felt a chest behind my head and an arm around my waist. My hands dropped by my sides and my body felt weak. The smell of his cologne soothed me. It reminded me of a scene in the movie
Ghost
, where the dead took over bodies.
“You ladies have a nice day.” The voice said as I fell back into his chest as if he sucked the negative energy from me.
They looked up at him and down at me. The main girl said, “You actin’ like a fool when you pulled a nigga like that?” she laughed. “You betta calm down before somebody snatch pop his fine ass.”
When they left I turned around and faced him. It was the first time I’d seen him up close since IHOP.
“What do you want?” I asked walking away. “You.” He grabbed my hand.
I stopped. I really didn’t want to go. Nor did I want him to leave.
“How you want me when you came here wit’ a bitch?!” I pointed in the direction she was sitting in waiting for him to say something I wanted to hear. Do you know how much I love this man? “So take your high yella ass on over there with your little whore.”
“I saw you when you came in.” He was unmoved by my attitude.
“You ain’t see shit.” I said folding my arms.
“First off you’re with Wayne’s ass whose about 6’2, light skin and wearing high heels. Ray Charles could spot yalls asses.”
“So? You don’t act like you knew I was here. Kissing on her and shit.”
“I didn’t know you were coming but I did know you were here. But what you want me to do? You won’t take my calls.” His voice was serious. “Then you change your number and every time I tell Wayne or Daffany to give me your new one, they ignore me. I figured you didn’t want me around, Parade. Shit! How do you want me to act?”
“Don’t get all sensitive on me now.” I pretended as if I didn’t want to hear one word he had to say. I had to break him down because everything he said just now made me emotional. If he told me he wanted me as much as I wanted him anymore I’d lose it. “Plus if you really cared you would’ve treated me right a long time ago.”
“Parade,” he said holding my hand before pulling me closer to him. “When you gonna stop playin’ these games with me shawty? You feelin’ me. I know it.”
“Oh so you ain’t feelin’ me?”
“Yes. Why you think I’m over here when that girl could pull up on me at any moment? I’m a different dude, Parade I swear. Give me a chance before you judge me. Would the same dude you use to know be outside at a gay ass concert begging you?”
“Don’t throw that girl up in my face cause you ain’t nothin’ but a cheatin’ ass, nigga and that’s what cheatin’ ass niggas do. Leave their bitches alone.”
“So what that make you?” He released me and I missed his touch already. “You cheated with me on Sky too. So stop throwin’ that weak shit in my face. That ain’t for us no more.”
Silence.
“Now are you gonna continue to poke holes in my character or are you gonna give me a chance and stop runnin’?”
“I don’t know, Jay! The timing is all fucked up.” I turned around and focused on the big crowd behind us.
“Give me a chance, Parade. Come by my place tomorrow night and let’s talk about it then. Aight?”
I nodded but wasn’t sure if I
meant
yes or no. He kissed my lips softly and I could taste a hint of the mint gum he had in his mouth. Suddenly I wanted us to leave together. I can’t believe I’m in love, with someone other than my fiancé. I heard that absence makes the heart grow fonder. I guess it’s true.
It was a long ride back to Bowie and I wasn’t anywhere near being able to rest. First I had to drop Miss Wayne off and then I had to take the hike all the way back home to Virginia. The only thing that kept me up was having Jay on my mind. Was I really going to meet with him tomorrow? And if so, what would that mean for us?
When we finally reached Miss Wayne’s place I rested a little easier because I knew I was one step closer to getting in my bed.
“You want me to help you with these bags?” I asked a tired and sleepy Miss Wayne when we stopped.
“What you think?” He stepped onto his parking lot…shoeless. He’d taken his sandals off the moment we stepped foot onto the concert grounds and hadn’t put them back on since.
I put the car in park, got out and grabbed one of the bags. Sweets was sleep with her mouth wide open and she was sleep. Her ass was also laying on the other two bags.
“Sweets, get up.” I told her as she leaned toward the other side of the car freeing the straps.
We walked all the way up his steps and he fumbled with getting his key out of his purse to open the door. He yawned and I yawned next. Instead of opening the door himself, it swung open and we saw Keith walking back to the couch with not so much as a hello. The living room was dark and all the lights were out with the exception of the one in the kitchen.
Damn they rude then a mothafucka in this apartment.
I thought.
“What’s up, baby?” Miss Wayne said walking in looking around the apartment. I could tell he was looking for his precious little Daffany. He placed the picnic bag down first, his shoes next. “What you doin’ home? I thought you weren’t coming back until tomorrow.” He continued looking in the back.
“What…you don’t want me home?” he asked ruder than I ever heard him speak to Miss Wayne before.
“I’m sorry, honey.” Miss Wayne acted as if it were all his fault. He kissed him gently on the cheek. “We had a long day and I’m tired that’s all. Want me to make you something to eat?”
“I already ate.”
“Aight Miss Wayne,” I said placing the bags down. Keith was acting like a cunt and I hated hearing him talk to my friend that way. So I had to roll. “Give me a hug so I can get outta here.” I mugged Keith slightly so he could see my displeasure but not too much for Miss Wayne to detect.
Miss Wayne hugged me back and released me.
I was twisting the doorknob and had one foot outside of the apartment when I heard Miss Wayne ask, “Where’s Daffany?”
“I put her out.” He said it like Miss Wayne asked him, what time is it?
I stepped back inside, closed the open door and turned around. I wasn’t sure if I heard him correctly. What did he mean he put her out? As far as I knew it wasn’t his place to do so.
“What?! Why?!” Miss Wayne looked as if he were about to go into convulsions or something.
“She came on to me and I put her out.” He replied calmly. “I wasn’t feelin’ comfortable with her staying here after that.”
“See!” I said to Miss Wayne shaking my head. I circled around the small space in front of the door. I knew she would do somethin’ like this being addicted to drugs! “I told you that bitch was not to be fucked with, Miss Wayne! You should’ve just listened to me!”
“Parade is right.” Keith said agreeing with me. “Cause she sure did tell me she’d been wantin’ me for a long time.”
Miss Wayne sat on the couch with his face in his hands but I resonated on Keith’s last statement.
Cause she sure did tell me she been wantin’ me for a long time
. Daffany was many things, a whore and a drug addict included, but she didn’t
lust
after anybody that didn’t belong to her. She only did what she had to for money but would’ve never made such a comment.
Wantin’ him for a long time?
Yeah right! Something wasn’t right about this shit.
“So let me get this straight,” I said slowly. “She said she’s been wantin’ you for a long time? Did she ask for any money?” I raised my brow in confusion and I wanted some answers.
“Nope. She only wanted sex.”
By this time Miss Wayne was in tears until I said, “Yous a lyin’, mothafucka!” There was no way she’d fuck any of these niggas for free. Not after what happened to her at a party we were all at when Sky was alive. This dude she was feelin’ came on to her. But when he found out she slept around for money, he played her like a whore. And she was really hurt by it. After that she was one heartbreak away from being lesbian. And the only thing she cared about now was getting high. Nothing else mattered to Daffany but dope, especially gay ass Keith!
“What?” Keith repeated as if he didn’t hear me correctly. Guilt was written all over his face.
“I said yous a lyin’, mothafucka! Daffany would never lust after yo ass when she knows how much this man loves you! If she did come on to you, it woulda been for money but not straight off some I want some dick type shit!”
Miss Wayne looked at me and then at him. I could tell in his face he got where I was going with it too.
“Exactly what happened?” Miss Wayne said his mood going from hurt to anger. He fixed his eyes on Keith and waited for his response.
Keith looked at me and fiddled around with the remote. When I looked at the TV I noticed it wasn’t even on. Yeah! He’s as guilty as sin! He was shook and couldn’t conceal his nervousness. He was a rookie at this shit.
“I came home early lookin’ for you,” he started slowly looking at the floor and back at Miss Wayne. “And I noticed she was home. The first thing she said to me was
do you want something to eat
? In a seductive tone.” I could tell he was thinking of his story as he went along. “I was like naw I’m good. And then she said something about eating something else instead.”
Eating something else instead? Is he serious? Daffany don’t even like her pussy ate! And what was she going to eat from him? His ass? This was some bullshit and I knew it! Me and Miss Wayne use to clown her on how bad she hated oral sex back in the day. And with her having HIV, she’da never put Miss Wayne into harms way like that. Drug cravings and all, I knew she’d reach down deep somewhere to prevent from putting him in that kind of jeopardy.
“You lyin’!” I felt like breaking his jaw. “Daffany don’t even get down like that! And yous a, bitch ass nigga for sayin’ that shit too!”
“I’m tellin’ the truth!” he pleaded with me. “I told her I wasn’t feeling what she was givin’ and she got upset.”
“Yo I’m ‘bout to go upside this bamma head, Miss Wayne! This dude is trippin’! That don’t even sound like Daffany!”
It was pissing me off because he was a cop and here he was straight lying on Daffany. He wasn’t even that cute. Keith was skinny, extra red and had a goofy laugh. Daffany went for the smooth
Usher
types. Don’t get me wrong, she’s not herself right now, but she’s not the person he’s describing either.
“I want you out of here!” Miss Wayne yelled pointing his finger in Keith’s frightened face. I could tell by the look in his eyes that he was aware of what Miss Wayne was capable of when provoked. Dude turned from police officer to scared little bitch in fifteen seconds flat.
“Baby…please…this is not my fault!” His hands were out in front of him trying to avoid any future slaps. “She’s the one to blame not me.”
“How long has she been gone?!” I yelled in the midst of him begging for forgiveness. This was making me sick and I was trying to find Daffany. I ain’t have time for his lyin’ bullshit!
“About thirty minutes ago. I can help you look for her if you want.” He advised hoping that would win him some points. “It ain’t even been that long since she left.”