Bonds of Courage (22 page)

He panted, dazed until she hit that magic button again. No way. He squirmed, needing to move yet unable to. His hips jerked where they could. Instinct triggered him to thrust and grind and plow madly to get more.

“That’s it,” she cooed. “Show me how good it feels.”

She kept rubbing it now, over and over on the same lazy pace with her hand on his dick. It drove him insane, yet wasn’t enough to push him over. She held him on the edge of his orgasm, easing back when he thought he’d go over, only to ramp him up again.

It was sensory overload for him. Time was lost to everything but the pinpoint of pleasure she kept him balanced on until the sharp tip seemed to rip him open. He babbled incoherent sounds and words that ranged from pleas for more to curses begging for mercy.

Hot. He was submerged in a vat of flames that consumed him inside and out. He gasped for air, sucked in breaths, then choked on them in the next instant.

“Stunning.” The word swirled in the fog, along with the others. “Amazing. Exquisite.” And the one he clung to: “Mine.”

“Yes,” he cried. “Yours. All yours, Vanessa.” Her name was intentional. Did she hear it? Understand what he meant?

His chest heaved with the effort to breathe. The dildo was gone and he almost fucking whined to have it back. Crazy. She was back though, and something else was being pushed into him, round objects that popped past the outer ring at intervals, getting bigger with each one. He didn’t even ask what it was. It didn’t matter.

He floated in that fucking awesome cloud of nothingness and everything and simply gave all that he was to her.

* * *

Her man was flying, and so was she.

The adrenaline flowed through her systems, pumping her up, spiking her pulse, opening her senses.

This was what she needed. Holden open and giving before her. Gone to everything but what she gave him. Bound and spread with the looped end of the anal beads dangling from his hole, a condom covering his erection, he was completely vulnerable.

Her breath shuddered out of her as she climbed on top of him. His flesh was hot and slick beneath her hands. His heart pounded into her palm. The air was luxurious on her skin, naked now except for the boots. Free.

She stood on the panels she’d pulled out of the side of the table. He could only take what she gave him. Accept everything she wanted.

She adjusted her position and lowered herself onto his hard cock. There was a moment of wishing, a thought of how good it would feel to take him bare. But that wouldn’t happen. That never happened.

Her head dropped back, mouth parted in ecstasy as she took him all. He filled her completely in a way only he did. Like no one had until him. The urgency and turmoil that had hammered the driving need to rein in her life was quiet now.

She wiped the damp hair from his brow. Traced the arcs of his brow. Marveled at the line of his jaw marred by the scar that cut across his chin. His lips were parted, red and perfect on him.

She kissed them. Drank him in and rode him.

His gasps caressed her neck. His moans fed her soul.

Sitting up, she rolled her hips and found her own pleasure. The music pounded out a beat that she matched. Slow and heavy, sultry but cutting. She pinched her nipples, found the pain and rode that too.

“Beautiful.”

The deep word tore her eyes open to hold on Holden’s. Dazed but clear, dark with lust, he watched her, the truth of his emotions engraved in his expression. It sent her higher, gave her power. Brought her closer than she wanted to be, but already was.

“Fuck, Vanessa.” He rocked his hips, the little movement all he had. “This is perfect. You’re perfect.”

She wasn’t. Far from it. But she’d take it now. Pull it in and add it to the rush.

“I wanna taste you,” he begged, his tongue snaking out to wet his lips. “Please, V. God.” He gasped, eyes scrunched closed, and she held his balls in her grip as she lowered herself, once, twice, three, four, five long, slow times onto his dick.

She released the full globes and found her clit. She was close now. So was he. Their breaths sawed through the air and she inhaled a deep gust of their mingled arousal. Sex pure and blatant.

Lost in him as she’d never let herself be with anyone. She let go, found her own space and gave herself to him as he’d done for her.

Reaching behind her, she clasped the small ring, increased her pace until her thighs protested and he shuddered beneath her. Then she dove.

“Come, Holden.”

He grunted, and she yanked the beads from him in one hard tug, dropping them to the ground as he bucked, jerked and came.

“That’s it,” she encouraged, her voice gritty as she held back, too enthralled by his release. Face contorted, muscled clenched, tendons bulging—he was pure pleasure.

His roar set her free. She cried out, her higher pitch blending with his roughened note in perfect harmony. Together they found the quiet. They found their peace.

Chapter Twenty-Five

The solid thump of Holden’s heart beat against her ear, his breathing even and deep. They’d managed to clean up and crawl into the bed long ago, exhausted and sated. Yet it didn’t matter to her body. Her mind was racing in an attempt to log and file everything that had changed so fast. But no amount of analyzing, justifying or dismissing made it all okay.

She lifted up to squint at the clock, a sigh escaping. Her gaze went to Holden and she shifted to study his face. His arm slipped from her shoulders, a grumble matching the slight frown that drew his brows down before he relaxed again.

Everything about him was softer in sleep. All of his excess energy was resting or maybe regenerating. She smiled. That was more likely. His lips were parted, jaw lax. Although he was freshly shaven when he’d arrived, she knew her fingertips would be able to detect the stubble in the morning.

In the morning.

Her chest pinched, stomach flipping.
What am I doing?

She inched away, careful not to wake him. A shiver raked her, a punishment for leaving his warmth. She drew his shirt on. The soft fabric that held the scent of him was more inviting than the robe that hung in the bathroom.

She found her way in the dark, the glow of the moon lighting her way. The stairs creaked on her way up and the hardwood was cold on her feet. She tucked her hands under her arms to ward off the chill as she stared into the open refrigerator. She should be hungry. The salad she’d had at lunch should’ve worn off hours ago. Yet nothing interested her.

Giving up, she grabbed a bottle of water and a chocolate bar, then shut the door. She blinked away the light halos that lingered as she ran a hand through her hair. She looked up and froze. The shot of fear shifted to not quite relief but more like acceptance. Of course he’d wake up and follow her upstairs.

“I thought you were sleeping,” she said, handing him the water she was holding before she opened the fridge and grabbed another.

“I thought you were, too.” He leaned his hip against the counter. The glow of the appliance clocks, along with the moonlight, let her see his smile, a sleepy, sexy thing that shouldn’t twist up her insides like it did. Bare-chested with his cargo shorts hanging low on his hips, snap undone, he was the epitome of what she’d never wanted.

She shrugged before twisting the cap off the bottle and taking a drink. If he saw her hand shaking, he didn’t say anything. Somehow he always seemed to understand what she needed. It was irritating. But if that were true, why did her pulse increase and her chest tighten whenever he was near? Anxiety? Definitely, but she refused to analyze the reason for it.

He stepped up and lifted her to sit on the counter. She should protest. Jump down and send him away before he hurt her, yet it wasn’t in her. Not tonight. Maybe not ever. And that was the crux of the problem.

He moved between her legs, arms encircling her shoulders as he braced his forehead against hers. “I’m here,” he said. A soft confirmation of everything that hadn’t been spoken in the playroom. Everything she’d asked for, he’d freely given.

Her smile hurt. “I know.”

“Can I help?”

Her head wobbled against his as she wavered between acceptance and rejection. Of course he didn’t push her to tell him what was wrong. She could’ve justified his nosiness to kick him out. But no, he was simply “here.” For her.

“It’s already too late,” she admitted in answer to his question. She only understood that after the words were out. It really was too late. Against every warning and truth that she knew about men, especially men like him, she’d gone and fallen for him anyway.

“For what?”

Everything.
She wet her lips before leaning in to give him a soft kiss. Even that hurt. He was too close, yet she had no idea how to push him away. Just like she had no idea how to keep her life from avoiding the train wreck that was certainly coming.

She sat back, the water providing a perfect excuse for some space. He took the bottle from her when she was done, swallowed some down, then set it next to his.

“There was a minor security leak at The Den,” she told him in a rush.

“What?” He frowned. “Is everything okay?”

The erratic beat of her heart hitched over the sense that it was somehow her fault. It wasn’t rational, but keeping him safe was her responsibility. She didn’t have to tell him what had happened. He’d probably never find out otherwise. Yet withholding the information wouldn’t help him either.

“It’s taken care of,” she assured him. “But it involved a rumor of you being at the club.”

His eyes went wide and he stepped back. The small retreat stabbed at her heart. For the first time, the reality of him leaving hit her. For all the pushing she’d done to see if he would walk away, she no longer wanted him to.

He scrubbed a hand over his mouth before dropping it to his side. “Is it out then? Do I need to meet with Segar?” His resolute tone held that strength she admired.

“It was just a rumor with no substance.” She ran a hand up his arm, relief easing her tense muscles when he didn’t pull away. “Your career isn’t at risk. I promise. But I thought you should know.”

He studied her for a long moment that threatened to tumble her confidence. No matter what he did, she wouldn’t regret telling him. It was his risk, and he couldn’t defend himself if he didn’t know all of the dangers.

“You’re sure it’s nothing?” He stepped forward, his hands coming to rest on her thighs.

“Promise.”

“Then I trust you.” His eyes showed the depth of his words. Even in this, outside of the playroom, with something that could affect his career, he trusted her. It was powerful and scary and more than she could deal with right then.

“So you’re gone next week?” she asked, proud that her voice was even.

His mouth thinned. “Yeah. Intensive camp. I leave in the morning.”

She should’ve expected that. Hell, she’d scheduled numerous interviews for players attending intensive camps. “Local?” There was a really good one not far from Minneapolis.

“Yeah.”

Her nod was slow as she processed why that annoyed her. It shouldn’t. They didn’t have a relationship. Not really, she tried to tell herself, and failed. “I rounded up some more people to help Liv with the carnival stuff.” Her subject change didn’t help her colliding emotions. It only reminded her of what had triggered all the unwanted feelings and uncharacteristic neediness that plagued her now.

“Great,” he said, smile wide. “Who?”

Her chuckle sounded pained even to her. She had to tell him this too. He would put the pieces together on his own anyway. “Some of the other partners at The Den said they’d help build some games and donate prizes. The resident computer genius volunteered to make a new website for the center, too.”

“Wow. Thanks.” He tilted her chin up so he could kiss her before his smile took over his face again. “This is going to be big. We’re getting enough autographed items and donations that we’re also hoping to do a silent auction.”

“That’s great.” It was—for Liv. Just the thought of the event had her chest shrinking back to the tight little capacity that barely let her breathe. But she wouldn’t let her own fears dampen Holden’s enthusiasm. “You’ve really gone all out for this.”

He shrugged, dismissing the work he’d done. “Heidi and Liv took over most of it. Now you’ve found the carnival crew.” He chuckled. “They do know this is a kid’s carnival, right?”

Visions of men lined up in leather with whips and handcuffs next to kids with cotton candy and sticky fingers forced a weak chuckle from her. “Yes. I made that clear.”

His arms encircled her, his skin warm against her cheek when he held her close. Somehow, her legs and arms were wrapped around him, ankles hooked together, hands clasped, locking him in. The quiet settled in the room, a comfortable peace she wanted to hide in, even if he was the catalyst to the pending crash in her life.

He stroked her back, her hair. Easy circles that repeated all the things his actions had said downstairs. A part of her didn’t want to hear them. Yet the part that had asked, the part that never asked anyone for anything personal, reveled in his answers.

This wasn’t her. She didn’t need support. Didn’t need someone to hold her up. So why was she leaning on Holden right now? She always stood on her own, carried others. Since she’d been four years old and her mother had told her life didn’t cater to excuses. If someone did something to her, she must’ve done something to cause it.

So what did she do to cause this?

“Come on,” Holden said, easily picking her up and carrying her out of the kitchen. “Things will look different in the morning.”

She didn’t argue or object. Instead, she just held on as he took them back downstairs. For once, she trusted someone to take care of her. Tomorrow would be soon enough to worry about surviving the future.

Chapter Twenty-Six

“Fuck, Hauke. What in the hell got into you this summer?”

Holden lifted his head to study his approaching teammate. Sweat dripped onto the ice and his thighs screamed for mercy, along with the shoulder that’d taken the brunt of a recent check to the boards, but he’d never felt better.

He thought of the rather large plug that’d been wedged into his ass last weekend, compliments of Vanessa, and shot the goalie a devious grin. “Trust me, you don’t wanna know.”

“That good, huh?” Martini wiggled his brows.

Holden laughed, reached over the boards for one of the many bottles lining the small ledge in front of the bench and squirted the water into his mouth. His silence was better than any comeback he could make up.

“Fuck, man.” Rylie came to a stop next to them, ice shavings flying. “I need some of that shit. You’ve been on fire since July.”

“Right.” Holden put the bottle back and shoved his glove on. “Like you need more shit.”

If he’d known what a little dominance in his life would do for his game, he would’ve been all over it years ago. Vanessa didn’t control his life, but she did own his orgasms now. The days of beating off on a whim were long gone. The resulting focus he put on other things quieted his mind and helped his game.

“Pussy, maybe.” Rylie flashed the grin that had charmed more women than Holden could count.

“Pussy is what gets you in trouble,” Martini said before he slapped his mask back on and skated away. The man had twelve years of experience and bitterness built from two failed marriages over the younger man.

Rylie shrugged it off, starting a slow skate backward. “There’s never a problem if you don’t let them hang around.” He spun around and took off toward the net.

That was exactly the opposite of what Holden had discovered. Getting the right one to stay had made all the difference for him.

He glanced around the rink at the twelve guys currently on the ice. Three weeks into August, and most of the players were back in town. Official practice didn’t start until mid-September, but everyone was ramping up for the season now. The hard truth that positions were never guaranteed no matter what kind of contract you had kept every man fighting for his spot.

Given the many comments he’d received from other players, his place was more secure than it’d ever been. He had Vanessa to thank for that.

The last month had been more of the forward and back when it came to their personal relationship. The only place they still seemed on solid ground was in her playroom.

Some man, or men, had skewed her trust in males in general, that much he understood. What and who was still buried, and maybe he’d never know. All that really mattered was if the damage went too deep or if she’d ever trust him enough to give him everything—inside and outside the playroom.

He was working on that, being patient until she was ready to commit. She’d been traveling a lot, and he got the feeling she was using it as an avoidance tactic to some extent. Her nightly calls were the one thing that gave him hope in what he thought she felt but didn’t want to admit.

“You playing, Hauke?” Walters taunted as he skated by. “Or are you gonna stand there picking your ass all day?”

Getting his ass beat, maybe. And that was saved for his Mistress.

He loved this. The camaraderie and unit he’d never found off the ice. He charged down the rink after Walters, a grin on his face. He’d hear nothing but shit if any of these guys ever found out about his little kink. Oddly enough, that didn’t bother him anymore. He was proud of Vanessa. Proud of what they were together.

Now he just needed her to be proud of them too.

* * *

“Come on, V,” Liv urged. “You have got to see what your guys made.” Like usual, her excitement was impossible to resist, as was the bounce in her step as she dragged Vanessa down the hallway of the youth center. “They went way overboard.” She grinned over her shoulder, her cheeks flushed. “Not that I’m complaining.”

She swung a door open and barged into the gym. Vanessa’s heels clicked on the hardwood floor, the sound echoing off the high ceiling. She’d come straight from the office after Liv called, bubbling over the games Jake and Deklan had delivered that afternoon, along with Seth, Tyler and Rock. It’d taken five trucks to get everything there.

“Can you believe these?” Liv waved a hand at the line of booths and games scattered around the room.

Vanessa stopped to stare at the collection of over-the-top carnival games. There were over a dozen full booths made out of wood, painted in bright colors with names written in detailed letters across the top. Ring Toss, Duck Pond, To the Races—and the list went on.

“Is that a dunk tank?” she asked, her mouth gaping.

“Yes!” Liv nodded, her grin so big her cheeks must’ve ached. “I’m hoping we can get some of the players to volunteer to sit in it. The tickets would go like crazy for that.”

Vanessa took another look at all the games and had to laugh. The guys had really outdone themselves.

“Oh.” Liv grabbed Vanessa’s wrist and hauled her out of the gym before Vanessa could object. “You’ve got to see this, too.”

“Now what?” She had little choice but to follow her sister as she was pulled into Liv’s office. She was smiling though. It was impossible not to enjoy Liv’s excitement.

Her sister plopped down in her chair and grabbed her computer mouse, clicking around. “Look.” Liv waved her over and pointed at the screen. “Isn’t this great?”

Vanessa stared at the new youth center website, her chest tightening once again. Rock had done a fantastic job. It was simple yet professional.

“And Rock said he’d come over and show me how to maintain it on my own or he’d keep it updated if I wanted.” Liv clicked through the tabs, showing the pages of information that included pictures of beaming kids in various activities. “There’s even a ‘Donate Now’ spot for online cash donations.”

Liv spun around and launched herself into Vanessa’s arms. She barely held her footing as her sister squeezed her tight.

“Thank you, thank you, thank you, V.” Liv stepped back, still holding on. “I know you won’t take any credit, but none of this would’ve been possible if you hadn’t sent all these guys my way.”

“Wait a minute,” Vanessa objected, laughing. “I did
not
send guys to my little sister.”

Liv made a face and sat back down. “You know what I mean, and I haven’t been little in a very long time.”

“You’ll always be my little sister.”

“Love you too, V.”

“So are all the plans done? Everything ready to go for next Saturday?” Vanessa moved some papers aside and sat down on Liv’s desk. Her tired feet and pinched toes thanked her almost instantly.

“Yeah,” Liv said, nodding. “I don’t know how it all got done, but I think we’re ready. Oh.” She snapped her fingers. “I forgot to tell you about the food that’s being donated, too.”

“Really? Great. From where?”

“From a restaurant that...what’s his name...Jake and Deklan’s friend.” She snapped her fingers some more, frowning.

That sinking feeling twisted over in Vanessa’s stomach. “Seth,” she volunteered.

“Seth. That’s it.” Liv flashed a smile. “He and Tyler are donating everything for hot dogs, burgers, drinks, popcorn and even a cotton candy machine. You’ve got some amazing contacts, sis.”

Contacts, right. Vanessa forced herself to agree.

“Those guys said they’d be here with their girlfriends to help with the games and serve the food. I guess the girlfriends are the ones who painted the booths. They did a great job.” Liv plowed on, oblivious to the turmoil brewing within Vanessa. “And Mom’s rounded up the family to run the games, too.”

“Great.” The strained edge in Vanessa’s voice went unnoticed.

“And that other guy you sent my way, Noah.”

“Oh? What’d he do?”

Liv cocked her head. “Well, besides the fact that he’s the best eye candy I’ve seen in a long time.”

“Better than Holden?” Vanessa couldn’t stop herself from asking that.

“Well, he’s mighty fine, too. But Noah has that deep, brooding thing down. And those suits he wears look amazing on him.” Liv sighed, her face going all dreamy like a teenager with her first crush.

That was not good. Not even close to good. Vanessa shook her head, reverting back to the original questions. “So what did Noah do for you?” She had no idea he’d done anything, which bugged the shit out of her.

The claustrophobic sensation set in again. After weeks of analyzing the tightening sensation in her chest, along with the hot chills that left her sweaty and shivering, she’d finally pinned the strange set of reactions down to that.

She was trapped. Her worlds were closing in, and their proximity was suffocating.

“He’s been volunteering with the older kids.”

“He’s been what?” She yanked her thoughts back to the conversation. She couldn’t imagine the stoic lawyer hanging out with kids, let alone the rigid Dom doing that.

Liv’s brows drew together, her words drawn out in hesitation. “He’s been tutoring the older kids. Helping them with math and reading.”

“Noah?”

“Tall guy, dark hair always in place, deep eyes and rarely smiles? The guy with thousand-dollar suits and three-hundred-dollar shoes? That Noah?” She waited until Vanessa nodded. “Then, yeah. He’s been here three times a week for the last month.”

“Really?” Vanessa couldn’t reconcile that in her head no matter how she shifted it.

Worry took over Liv’s face. “Why? You did send him, didn’t you? He said he worked with you and provides legal services to Jake and Deklan. He was telling the truth, right?”

“Yes. Of course,” Vanessa rushed to reassure her. “I’m just surprised. He didn’t say anything to me.” But then, she hadn’t been around the club much either.

Liv sat back, relaxing again. “Good. Even if you hadn’t, his background check was clean and he’s been amazing with the older kids.” She grimaced. “They’re so often the ones who need the most help but get the least. Everyone sees them as old enough to handle themselves and by that age, they’ve usually given up on asking for help, even when they need it.” She scrubbed her face, exhaling. “Even I’m guilty of getting so caught up with the younger ones that I run out of time for them.”

“Hey. Stop that.” Vanessa leaned in, rubbing her sister’s arm. “You do so much. You can’t beat yourself up over what you can’t control.”

Liv tossed her head back, her laugh bursting into the room. “Right,” she choked out between breaths. “Did you hear what you said? You, the control-freak queen.”

Shit. Hello, pot... She rubbed her brow, unable to deny what was well-known between them. “Do as I say, not as I do. Isn’t that how it goes?”

“Yeah, something like that.” Liv patted Vanessa’s leg. “But it’s not all bad, V. Just think where I might be if you hadn’t stepped up when we were kids. Mom and Dad certainly didn’t raise me. And look at all you’ve accomplished. The world needs people like you.”

Vanessa smile wavered with the doubt that’d been building for weeks. “Maybe.”

“Definitely.” Liv stood to enfold Vanessa in a hug. “I need you just like you are. Well...” She leaned back, her smile quirking. “You could drop some of that bitchy shield and I wouldn’t complain. But as a whole,” she rushed on when Vanessa frowned, “you’re the best.”

“Right. What do you want now?”

“
Moi?
” she said, pressing her hand to her chest. “Nothing.”

Vanessa shook her head and pushed off the desk, her toes screaming as they were pinched once again. She straightened her jacket and brushed out the wrinkles in her skirt. “You never could lie, Vivian.”

“Oh, come on.” Her sister rolled her eyes. “I was being honest. You’ve always been there for me. Someday I’m going to pay it all back. I promise.”

“Don’t you get it?” Vanessa asked, waiting for her sister to look at her before she continued. “You do every day. You’re everything I wish I could be. Open, giving, friendly, loving...
forgiving
.” She glanced away, clearing her throat. “Seeing you happy is my reward.”

“And queue the tacky music.”

They both broke into laughter, the sappy moment buried before the bad memories invaded.

“I have to go.” She grabbed her purse off the chair where she’d tossed it when she’d arrived. “Do you need a ride?”

“I’m good,” Liv said, waving her off. “Bessie’s still hanging in there.”

Vanessa’s sigh had her sister rolling her eyes again. “When are you going to give up on that old clunker and get something reliable?”

“She still works.” Her sister defended the car like it was a living object with feelings. “Besides, this job doesn’t have me rolling in extra money.”

“You know I’d buy you a decent car.”

“But I don’t want you to.” Liv shook her head in a way that was too reminiscent of their mother. It was the “how many times do I have to tell you” look that had Vanessa’s stomach twisting again. “We’ve been through this a thousand times.”

“It doesn’t mean I’ll stop trying to convince you I’m right.” If that junker ever broke down in this part of town and Liv got hurt, she’d never forgive herself.

“You wouldn’t be my sister if you didn’t.”

Right. She pursed her lips, took in her sister’s stance with her hands propped in a defensive position on her hips and decided to let it go.

She left the office, and Liv walked her to the front doors, the halls echoing in the odd emptiness. The lights in the parking area had come on while she’d been inside, but the safety they offered didn’t reach the shadowed areas along the edge of the lot.

She turned back to Liv and gave her a hug. “Be careful when you leave.”

“Yes, V.”

The indulgent, slightly exasperated tone was the same one that came with “Yes, I brushed my teeth” and “Yes, I took out the trash.” It only reinforced their roles more. They might be sisters, but they’d never really been equal.

She waited until she heard the lock click then waved at Liv through the glass door before she headed to her car. The night was muggy but cooler as summer wound down. She kept her eyes on the shadows and locked herself in as soon as she shut the car door. Liv was still at the door, highlighted by the interior lights. It was like an advertisement saying “I’m a female alone in this big building—come and get me.”