Bonds of Courage (26 page)

She’d spent almost twenty years isolating herself and controlling every aspect of her life so she’d never be hurt again. Now she had no idea if it had solved anything. She was still alone and the rest of the world went on, oblivious to her pain.

She sucked in a breath and shook off the pity party.

Not everyone was oblivious. She knew that. Somehow, despite her efforts not to, she’d managed to surround herself with people who did care. Friends who’d been there for her when she’d needed them today.

But it was Holden who’d held her together when she’d lost it. It was his presence all afternoon that had kept her from falling apart again. He’d honored her need for distance without making a scene or pressing her when she’d been unable to give more.

She wiped at the tears, even though they blended with the water. She’d had to do it. Had to keep him away because if he’d put his arms around her again, she would’ve crumbled like she was now, and she couldn’t let that happen until the situation had been handled and Holden was protected.

Now she had no idea if she’d pushed him away for good. Had she ruined her future trying to erase her past? Would Holden ever look at her again? God, she wouldn’t blame if he didn’t. She was terrified at what he would see. Even scarier, what would she see when she looked into his eyes now that he knew exactly how screwed up she was?

Chapter Thirty-One

Holden awoke to the banging on his door. The pounding was insistent, hammering with enough force to wake the dead, which apparently he was. He rolled over, groaned and forced his eyes to focus on the clock. Shit. One in the afternoon. How’d that happen?

He stumbled out of bed and down the hall. His eyes had a truckload of grit stuck in them that he tried to rub away on his trek to yell at the goddamn person trying to break down his door.

“I’m coming,” he barked before a yawn forced his jaw wide. Jesus. It’d been nearly morning before he’d finally fallen asleep. The afternoon and evening from hell replayed in his mind no matter how much he’d tried to shut it down.

“Open the door, Hauke.”

Grenick’s deep grumble reached through the barrier before Holden peered out the side window to see who the asshole was. Oh great, a double team. Walters was with him. He scrubbed his face, scratched his whiskers and mentally tried to prepare himself for the grilling.

He jerked the door open. “You’d better fucking have coffee.”

Walters held up a paper cup, a sunny smile on his face. “At your service, dickwad.”

“At least he’s not flashing the neighbors.” Grenick shoved his way inside. “You look like shit.”

Holden took a fake bow. “It’s all for you.”

“Here.” Walters shoved the coffee into Holden’s hand and followed Grenick to the kitchen.

“Yes, please. Come on in,” Holden called after them as he shut the door. He glanced down and cursed. Grenick was right. His boxer briefs covered his junk, but he sure as hell didn’t need that picture on the cover of some rag magazine. “Make yourself at home,” he mumbled when he entered the kitchen to find Grenick digging food out of his fridge. The coffee went down sweet and smooth. It appeased a small part of his morning pissiness, but not much.

Walters leaned back against the counter, feet and arms crossed as he studied Holden. Both men were dressed in shorts and T-shirts, their hair damp and smelling of shampoo.

“Fuck.” Holden sighed and hung his head. “I missed practice, didn’t I?” It wasn’t an official team practice, but with only two weeks until training camp started, every day on the ice counted.

“First time all summer,” Walters confirmed. He rubbed the back of his neck. “So...”

Grenick tossed some lunch meat on the island and swung around, brows drawn. “Who was that guy you were trying to beat the shit out of? And what in the fuck is going on with you and the Ice Queen?”

Shit
. Probably nothing now. Holden had to chuckle though, which helped to loosen the sick knot in his stomach. Grenick always got to the point. “Anything else you want to know?” he kidded. Hell, what was he supposed to tell these guys?

“You want something to drink, Walters?” Grenick had his head stuffed back in the fridge. “Looks like he has beer, coke, water—”

“Water’s good.”

Grenick threw one to Walters then set two more on the island, along with some sandwich fixings. He shuffled through the cupboards, found a plate and set it on the counter too. At six foot five, the man never worried if he was offending anyone. He simply did as he wanted and dealt with any consequences.

“Bread’s in the pantry.” Holden pointed to a door to keep the man from plundering through the entire kitchen.

“Cool.”

Walters laughed. “I wouldn’t stop for food on the way over.”

“I’m hungry after I skate, so fucking sue me,” Grenick grumbled. He set everything out and assembled a sandwich. “So talk.” He glanced at Holden. “What happened?”

Holden sipped his coffee, still debating what to tell them. “Did Segar say anything?”

“He thanked us for having your back and stopping you from killing that guy,” Walters said.

“Right.” Holden winced. “Thanks for that.”

“You were crazy mad.” Grenick flexed an arm. “It’s a good thing I found you first or Walters might’ve gotten his ass kicked by you.”

“Har, har.” Walters rolled his eyes.

“What were you doing there anyway?” Holden looked to Grenick as he stuffed a bite of his huge sandwich into his mouth.

“I was looking for Grenick to haul his ass to the dunk tank,” Walters filled in while Grenick chewed. “I stepped into the building, heard the fight and saw him sprinting down the hall.”

“And I was coming out of the bathroom when I heard you yell at the guy.” He grinned. “I thought your pansy-ass might need saving. And I was right.”

“Oh, fuck you. I didn’t need saving.”

“Not from that asswipe. But it’s a damn good thing I pulled you off him when I did.”

Holden conceded that to Grenick. Shit. He would’ve hurt the guy worse if his teammates hadn’t broken up the fight.

“Segar and Heidi kept the reporters occupied with interviews. But...” Walters shrugged. “I heard you gave statements to the police. It’s going to get out.”

“Yeah,” Holden agreed. “It’s just a matter of how it’s spun.”

“So come on, man.” Grenick waved an impatient hand. “Give us the scoop.”

How much did he trust these guys? They were his teammates, but did that make them friends he could confide in? He shook his head and leaned over the counter to grab one of the waters. “I can trust you guys, right?”

“Fuck yes,” Grenick scoffed.

“Completely,” Walters answered, his tone more sincere. “It stays in this room.”

“You want us to spit shake on it or something?” Grenick held his hand to his mouth, poised and waiting.

“God, no. Ass.” Holden laughed, grateful now that they’d barged into his home. “Where do you want me to start?”

Walters pulled out a bar stool and settled in. “Wherever you want.”

“As long as you cover the part where you started fucking the Ice Queen.”

Holden was around the counter and in Grenick’s face a second later. “Shut the fuck up. Her name’s Vanessa. Use it.”

“Wow, dude.” Grenick stepped back. “Message received.” He pushed a carton of roast beef at Holden. “Maybe you should eat something. You’re a little sensitive.”

“Fuck off, Grenick.”

“Jerk off, sure.” The man motioned like he was yanking his dick.

“Grenick, shut up or we’ll never hear the story,” Walters said over their banter. “And Hauke, forgive the moron. His dick’s bigger than his brain.”

Grenick flipped Walters off but kept his mouth shut.

“Fine,” Holden huffed. God, now he sounded like a sixteen-year-old girl. He grabbed the package of meat and took it with him back to where he’d been standing. “Sorry.”

The other men both stayed silent as he opened the package and stuffed some food into his mouth. Chewing gave him time to think.

“I was looking for Vanessa,” he started, glancing at the guys to find their expressions blank. “Liv was looking too, so I checked the building. I found her in the kitchen with that asshole holding her arm, refusing to let go, a blazing red mark on her cheek.” He took a breath to quell the rise of anger. “I shoved him away, but the guy kept at her, then Vanessa responded to a comment about not hurting her, something about betrayal that I now know has to do with their past. He called her a bitch and said defending her wasn’t worth it. I lost it after that.”

“Fuck.” Grenick shook his head. “You broke his nose. I wish I’d waited a few more seconds before I hauled you off him.”

Holden snorted a laugh. “It’s a good thing you did stop me.” He flexed his hand, his knuckles protesting the movement. Luckily none were broken. He’d suffered worse from a game fight.

“So...” Walters darted a glance at Grenick before he continued. “You seemed pretty close with Vanessa.”

Pretty close, that was one way to put it.

“We, ah...” Holden stalled out, second-guessing what he should reveal. Shit. They both suspected something. He was about to break Vanessa’s number one rule, but if there was anything left between them, he hoped she’d understand why he was doing it. Their assumptions and speculations would only get worse if he refused to answer. “We’ve been...seeing each other this summer.”

“Like dating? No fucking way.”

“What?” He glared at Grenick.

“I had the wrong sister.” Walters slapped the counter, laughing. “Damn. I was close.”

“You know what?” Holden scowled at them. “You can both fuck off. I don’t need this shit.”

“Oh, calm down.” Grenick waved off Holden’s anger. “You’d better get thicker skin if you’re going to date her during the season. There’ve been bets down for years on who’d finally nail her. Damn.” He frowned. “I fucking lost, too.”

Holden’s brows shot up. “That’s just...” There were always bets going among the players. He remembered the one about Vanessa, now that he thought about it. “Shit.”

Walters nodded, his grin hitting Holden. “Better get used to some ribbing for a bit.”

“Hell, Vanessa will probably put their nuts in a corkscrew if she hears anyone making cracks.”

Holden almost shot his mouthful of water across the island. He hadn’t experienced a corkscrew yet, but she could do some fuck-awesome stuff with rope. He choked, coughed and pounded on his chest to get a breath. “Why’d you say that?” he rasped, eyes watering.

“Seriously?” Grenick looked at him like he was the stupidest man on earth. “Don’t tell me she doesn’t spank your ass on a regular basis. That chick is one badass Mistress who never takes shit from anyone.”

Holden gaped at the man, too dumbfounded for a rebuttal.

“Now I get it,” Walters said, head bobbing, smirk growing. “Totally wrong sister, but it all makes sense now.”

“What?” Holden cleared his throat when his voice cracked. The heat swelled up his torso to flood his face with warmth.

Grenick dropped his jaw, his eyes bugging out. “She totally does, doesn’t she? Fuck.” He eyed Holden, a half grin forming. “Do you have a collar, too?”

Oh, fucking hell. Holden looked away, swallowed. Walters’s bark of laughter made him wince. He’d just given them his answer without saying a word. He doubted Vanessa would take that well, and it was something he’d have to tell her even if they were done. A quick wave of remorse yanked at his chest for how he’d failed her.

“No,” he said with a sigh. “I don’t have a goddamn collar.” He wouldn’t object to wearing hers, but it was unlikely to happen now.

“But she does spank your ass, right?” Grenick’s eager expression reminded Holden of a kid waiting for confirmation that Santa did exist.

He studied his two friends. There was really no way he could lie his way out of it now. “Yeah, she does.” He kept his tone flat and his face blank. He folded his arms over his chest, but stared them both down, daring them to comment.

Grenick was the first to react. He snorted behind his hand and worked to keep his smile from showing. It didn’t last long.

“Don’t tell me that’s why you’ve been kicking ass on the ice.” Walters’s eyes were wide. “Hell.” He slumped back in the chair, hiding behind his hand. “That is why, isn’t it?”

The hard bark of laughter filled the room as Grenick gave up on his effort to hold it in. “Holy shit.” He gasped for breath as he bent over the counter. “I can just see all the guys lining up on the blue line, asses bared, waiting to be paddled by the Ice Queen so they can all play like Hauke.”

“Jesus Christ.” Holden sighed, scrubbing his face. “Really?”

Walters leaned toward Grenick, joining in the laughter. “Segar would probably
make
everyone if he knew that’s what got Hauke on track.”

“Thank you, ma’am,” Grenick choked out around his laughter. “May I have another?”

“Imagine the line of hairy asses displayed and waiting.”

“Shit.” Grenick wiped at his tears. “The site of Chewy bent over, hairy balls dangling below his gorilla ass, would scar Vanessa for life.”

“Vanessa? What about us?” Walters dropped his head to the counter, muffling his laugh. “I fucking avoid the shower when he’s in there. He clogs the drain every time.”

“Good fucking God.” Holden rolled his eyes but couldn’t hold back his own laughter. Chuck Henderson was one hairy fucker. Hence his nickname. This was definitely better than the scorn and ridicule he’d expected. However... “You assholes had better not tell anyone.” He pointed at each of them. He wasn’t ashamed of what he did with Vanessa, but it all went back to image and perception. “This can’t get out to anyone. It’d kill both of our careers.” He glared at them until they both nodded around their laughter.

“Sooo...” Walters drew out the word as he caught his breath. “She’s really your Mistress?”

“You’re going to make me say it, aren’t you?”

“Hell, yes,” Grenick chimed it. “She’s got you by the balls, doesn’t she?”

“I never should’ve said anything,” Holden mumbled, rubbing his nape.

“You didn’t say anything,” Grenick assured him. “I guessed. You were just too stupid to deny it fast enough.”

The man had him there. “It’s been a long night,” he said by way of an excuse.

“Is Vanessa okay?” Walters’s concern appeared honest.

“I think so.” Holden clenched his teeth around the flash of anger that hit again. “Her cheek might bruise where that guy hit her, but she refused to have it looked at.”

“She’s tough, I’ll give her that,” Grenick said. “It’s why I picked her as my PR rep. She scares the shit out of just about everyone.”

“She’s actually pretty nice,” Holden defended. “Once you get past her defenses.”

“I image she has to be tough in order to survive in her field.”

Grenick squinted at Walters before he nodded. “Kind of like us.” He turned his focus on Holden. “Which brings us to your pansy ass getting spanked by a girl.”

Holden rolled his eyes. “Seriously? I’d like to see you handle even half the stuff Vanessa’s done to me.” He knew his smile was just a bit cocky. Hell, it was a lot cocky. Grenick, for all his macho gruff bark, would probably safeword out after the first paddle strike, and that was the easy shit.

“Like what?” Walters leaned in, waiting.

“I’m not telling you fuckers. It’s none of your business.”

Walters sat back, frowning. “That’s no fun.”

“Please tell me you get some hot sex out of it,” Grenick pleaded. “Because that is the
only
thing that will make this acceptable.”

“What the fuck?” Holden scowled at the man. “You get hauled around by your balls all the goddamn time by the women you date. So don’t give me that acceptable shit.”