Bound by Honor Bound by Love (17 page)

Blinking back her tears, she made her
way down the path leading to the river, surprised that Julia was
there, bathing her twin sons along the shore. She could have gone
in the other direction to be alone with her thoughts as she
originally intended, but she decided it might be good to talk to
Julia. One of Julia’s sons pushed the other one, so the second son
grabbed his hair and pulled as hard as he could. This resulted in a
slap from the first one and wails from both as Julia forced them
away from each other. They weren’t crawling yet, but Onawa often
wondered how much mischief the twins would create once they
did.

Smiling, she approached Julia. “Would
you like help?”

Julia looked up from Dakota and
sighed. “I had no idea two brothers who were content to share a
womb together could make such a fuss.”

“
Woape’s daughters aren’t
perfect either. Penelope’s just old enough to run away from
Phoebe.” She placed her basket down and picked Tate up. “I’ll wash
him and you can wash Dakota.”

“
I hope you take my advice
and have one child at a time,” Julia said, though she laughed. “I
love them, really I do, but they are so competitive. A lot like
Esau and Jacob.”

“
Who?”

“
Twin brothers from the
Bible. I only hope Dakota and Tate get along better when they’re
older. Gary and I didn’t, but we weren’t twins either. I don’t know
why I assumed that because they’re twins, they would be
close.”

“
I don’t think there are
any siblings who don’t fight.”

“
I’m afraid you’re right.”
Julia dumped a wooden cup of water over Dakota’s head and picked up
a bar of soap to rub into his hair. “As long as they get along
better than Gary and I used to, then that will be good. I can’t
believe what we put my poor aunt through. The woman was a saint to
tolerate us as well as she did.”

Onawa laughed. “She loves both of you.
And it turned out well. She can’t stop talking about your
children.”

“
Or your father,” she
mused.

Onawa splashed water on Tate and took
the soap from Julia so she could clean him. “He loves her more than
he ever loved my mother. I can tell it by the way he looks at
her.”

“
She loves him more than my
uncle, too. I think it’s wonderful that they found each
other.”

“
Me too.”

Julia poured another cup of water over
Dakota to rinse the soap off of him and studied her. “You miss
Citlali.”

“
He doesn’t miss me.”
Despite her effort to sound as if she didn’t care, bitterness crept
into her tone.

“
That’s not what I said. I
said
you
miss
him,” she softly replied.

“
It doesn’t matter what I
feel. He left without me, without even telling me he was
leaving.”

“
What you feel matters a
lot.”

“
Maybe to you and a couple
of others, but not to him.” And that was the part that hurt the
most.

“
I think he does care. He
just doesn’t know how to show it.”

Onawa shook her head and finished
washing Tate. “I don’t know what to do. If I stay married to him,
he’ll continue to take me for granted. If I divorce him, I don’t
think he’ll even care. The only thing he might care about is that
I’ll have his child with me. Woape offered to let me stay with her
and Gary, and I can’t leave his child here in this tribe. I want to
raise him.”

“
Of course you do. As soon
as we learn we’re expecting our children, we love them.”

After a moment of silence, she
collected Tate’s clothing and dressed him.

“
Do you want to leave the
tribe?” Julia asked.

“
I wouldn’t even think
about it if you, Woape and my father could stay.”

“
Chogan and I decided to
build a cabin before the chief made his announcement, so I’d be
leaving anyway. But Woape and your father were planning to stay in
the tribe. So you’d stay here if they could, even if you divorced
Citlali?”

“
Yes. But I also hate the
idea of divorcing him because of the baby. Doesn’t a father have a
right to be in his child’s life? I keep thinking of how much I
would have lost if my father hadn’t been there. Divorce would mean
that Citlali won’t be a part of his life. What do white people do
when they divorce?”

“
Divorce rarely happens,”
Julia replied. “For us, marriage is dissolved when the husband or
wife dies.”

Onawa let Tate go so he could play
with the pebbles nearby. “Marriage is permanent for
you?”

“
Yes.” Julia set Dakota by
his brother and returned to her, sitting directly in front of her
so she could make eye contact with her. “The way we do things is
different from the way Mandans do them. We don’t live with all of
our relatives. The woman takes on the man’s last name, and the two
share all of their belongings. The house, the horses, the
furniture… All of it belongs to both of them. When a man and wife
are joined together in marriage, they become one. We take marriage
seriously. That’s why I didn’t enter into marriage with Chogan
lightly. I knew once I said yes, I’d spend the rest of my life with
him.”

“
And the
children?”

“
The children take the
man’s last name, just as the woman does. The man provides for the
family’s needs. He is responsible for bringing home the money so
the family has a place to live and food to eat. Women take care of
the home and raise the children. When they die, their belongings
are split equally among the children.”

A breeze blew a strand of hair over
Onawa’s forehead, so she tucked it behind her ear. “If the couple
doesn’t love each other, they still stay married?”

“
Love is more than how you
feel, Onawa. It’s a decision you make. While the excitement of
first being in love helps to connect you to someone else, it’s
meant to lead to something more stable. And honestly, while I love
Chogan and wouldn’t want to be with anyone else, there are times
when he upsets me.”

“
I’ve seen you and Chogan
together, and it’s hard to believe you ever have
problems.”

Julia grinned. “We’ve had our moments,
but no matter what, we know we’ll stay together. You see, Onawa,
it’s a choice we made. For better or worse. That’s what we vowed on
our wedding day.”

“
That’s how I want it to be
with Citlali, but I can’t make him love me.”

“
No, you can’t, but
sometimes if one person is willing to make a marriage work, the
other will do the same. All you can do is your part. If you do
everything you can and it turns out he doesn’t want to stay with
you, then you won’t have any regrets. I sense you’ll regret it if
you divorce him.”

Onawa sighed. “You’re probably right.
Even now I want to be with him.”

Julia reached out and touched her
hand. “He might want to be with you, too. When Chogan brought
Citlali his things so he could be comfortable while he’s gone, he
said he never saw Citlali look so miserable before. Chogan also
said that Citlali’s never been one to show his emotions. He didn’t
raise his voice in all the time he’d known him, but he was yelling
at Chogan out there. Chogan thinks this is good for Citlali, that
it’ll make him face the person he needs to be. All this time, the
chief has been telling Citlali who he is. Now that he’s finally
expressing his emotions, he’ll be forced to face himself as he is.”
After a long moment of silence, she added, “It might be the time
when he needs you the most.”

“
Citlali doesn’t need
me.”

“
You said he told you he
loved you on your wedding night.”

“
I don’t think he meant
it.”

“
What were you doing when
he said it?” When Onawa looked away from her, Julia continued,
“Were you two intimate at the time?”

Despite her embarrassment, she
nodded.

Julia leaned forward and lowered her
voice. “I think making love to someone requires us to open
ourselves to them. Maybe it’s during intimacy that Citlali can let
down his inhibitions and be who he really is.”

Though her cheeks burned, she said,
“He hasn’t said it since.” She picked up a handful of sand and
shifted it to her other hand so she had something to focus on other
than Julia.

“
He only said it the one
time?”

She nodded.

“
Maybe it scared him to say
it,” Julia replied. “Since Citlali hasn’t expressed his emotions,
the vulnerability required in making love might have forced his
emotions to the surface. I think he meant what he said but didn’t
intend to say it. Has your time with him been different since that
night?”

Onawa nodded again. “He started
seeming more hesitant afterwards, as if he was being
careful.”

“
Maybe he was being careful
to keep himself from his emotions. All of his life, he’s been so
guarded. It wouldn’t be easy to let go of that kind of
control.”

Maybe she was right. Maybe he did mean
it but was afraid to say it again. But even if he wasn’t, Onawa
felt she owed it to their child to see if she and Citlali could
work something out.

Chapter Fourteen

Onawa wasn’t sure what to expect when
she saw Citlali’s teepee. She recognized it as soon as she saw it.
From the distance, it stood alone on the prairie. She didn’t see
Citlali as she approached on her horse. When she came up to the
teepee, she saw the flap had been closed in the front. She got off
her horse and tied the reins to the nearest tree. She debated
whether or not to call out to Citlali but decided the element of
surprise might be to her advantage. At the very least, she would
get to judge his reaction to seeing her. If he was happy to see
her, then she’d be assured that he cared for her. And if not… She
sighed and grabbed the bag with her belongings and swung it over
her shoulder. She’d rather not think what it might mean if he was
disappointed to see her. The thought was much too
depressing.

When she walked up to the teepee, she
opened the flap and saw that Citlali wasn’t there. A careful scan
of the area showed her that he’d gone hunting since his bow and
arrows were missing. She slipped into the teepee and set her bag
down. She wasn’t sure if she would stay here with him or talk to
him and head back to the tribe, so she decided not to unpack her
things.

She didn’t realize her hands were
shaking until she let go of the bag. She clasped them together in
hopes of calming her nerves. As much as she tried not to think of
it, she couldn’t deny how much she feared he wouldn’t be happy to
see her. Until he returned, however, she needed to do something to
occupy her time.

Deciding he’d need a fire when he
returned with his game, she left the teepee and started one. The
calm of the prairie helped to relax her to a point, but she kept
scanning the land for signs of Citlali. She didn’t see him for the
longest time, and as the sun began to descend in the west, she
began to wonder if something happened to him. But then he finally
appeared around a group of trees that was a good ways off. He was
carrying a fox in one hand and his quiver of bow and arrows in
another. Relieved, she stood up and started heading toward him but
hesitated.

She noted the sagging of his shoulders
and slow pace of his step. Her heart went out to him. She’d never
seen him look so defeated before. Taking a deep breath to settle
her nerves, she headed in his direction. She didn’t know how fast
she should go to him, so she decided to walk. Even though her
heartbeat raced in anxiety, she resisted the urge to turn around
and hop on her horse to leave. She came here to talk to him, and
that’s what she’d do.

He lifted his head and even though a
great distance spanned between them, he paused. She couldn’t tell
what his expression was, but he dropped the items he was holding
and ran toward her. Encouraged by his response, she quickened her
pace. If he was running to her, then he had to be glad to see her,
right? Unless he thought she was someone else. For a moment, her
steps slowed, but he called out her name and she knew he was happy
to see her. Picking up her pace once more, she didn’t slow down
until they were a few feet apart.

He closed the gap between them and
took her into his arms. Before she could speak, he kissed her,
reminding her of the day they got married. When they were together
that first night, she felt completely desired by him. He cupped her
face in his hands and deepened the kiss. Even though a part of her
was still hurt over the fact that he left without saying a word to
her, she was relieved he wanted to be with her.

When he ended the kiss, he pressed his
forehead to hers and closed his eyes. “I’m glad you
came.”

“
You didn’t tell me you
were leaving.” As much as she tried to keep the hurt out of her
voice, she couldn’t.

“
How could I? By my
actions, I disgraced myself. I was trying so hard to restrain my
baser instincts, but Chogan has a way of bringing out the worst in
me. One minute he was arguing with me, and the next thing I knew, I
struck him. How could I go to you after that?”