Bound by Honor Bound by Love (18 page)

“
What made you so
angry?”

“
Chogan said a lot of
things, but it was his comment that I was going to end up pushing
you away from me that made me lose all control. I know I shouldn’t
let Chogan get to me. I shouldn’t worry about what he thinks. He
intentionally says things to make me angry. It’s like he’s trying
to make it so that I have to show my emotions.”

She pulled away from him so she could
make eye contact with him. “What’s wrong with showing your
emotions?”

“
Everything’s wrong with
it. A chief is supposed to be a pillar of strength in the tribe. He
must not show any weakness because if he does, then who will
respect him?”

“
Lots of
people.”

He shook his head.

“
Why is that so hard to
believe?”

“
Because the people respect
the chief, and he doesn’t let his emotions get in the way of good
judgment.”

“
Of course he
does.”

His jaw dropped. “Onawa!”

“
It’s the truth, Citlali.
The chief lets his emotions dictate what happens in the tribe all
the time. Just because he doesn’t show them on the surface, it
doesn’t mean they’re not influencing his decisions. What do you
think is behind his urgency to remove the white people from the
tribe? He’s afraid and angry. The white people are too numerous for
us to do anything about, and as much as he’d like to believe we can
live isolated from the rest of the world, we can’t.”

“
I realize
that.”

“
But he
doesn’t.”

He sighed and took her hands in his.
“I tried talking to him, but he won’t listen to me. What am I
supposed to do about that?”

“
You need to do what is
best for the tribe. When he dies, you’re going to be our leader. He
won’t be around for you to consult anymore.”

With a nod, he squeezed her hands, and
though he kept his gaze lowered, she caught the unshed tears in his
eyes. “I know. The way we’ve done things can’t continue. It’s not
logical.”

“
He’s afraid of change,”
she softly began, “but that’s all life is. The seasons teach us
that. People are born and they die. Nothing stays the same forever.
What good is resisting this? Do you really want to push everyone
you love away because you can’t adapt to the changes going on
around you?”

He winced. “Is Chogan right? Am I
pushing you away from me?”

She took a deep breath and tried to
determine the best way to answer his question.

Citlali’s hands fell to his side. “I
am. Then why are you here?”

“
I love you. I’ve loved you
ever since I can remember. I don’t want to divorce you. I’m here
because I want you to give me a reason to stay.”

He wrapped her in his arms and held
her tightly to him. “You love me?”

Noting the surprise in his voice, she
asked, “Didn’t you know?”

“
No.”

“
I thought you did.
Everyone else said it was obvious.”

“
You never told me. I told
you and waited for you to tell me, but you never did, and after
that, I felt foolish in having said it.”

“
So you meant it?” she
whispered, tears of relief coming to her eyes.

“
I wouldn’t have said it if
I didn’t, and given what had just happened between us when I said
it, I couldn’t stop myself from admitting how I felt.”

She laughed and kissed him. All the
sorrow and uncertainty of the last couple of months departed, and
it felt as if a weight had been lifted off her shoulders. He loved
her! And in that moment she knew that whatever else happened, they
would get through it together because he loved her. He wasn’t
fulfilling his obligation to the chief, and he didn’t marry her
just because she would bring the sacred bundle to his
clan.

“
I love you, Citlali,” she
whispered.

“
And I love you,” he
replied.

She traced his jaw with her fingers,
finally feeling free to touch him, to explore him the way she’d
wanted to do for so long but feeling too shy to. With his
confession, she was granted the permission she desired.

“
You’ll always stay with
me, won’t you?” he asked.

“
Yes.” Her eyebrows
furrowed, she added, “It worries you that I might leave you in the
future?”

“
It is the way of our
people. You could leave my lodge at any time, and there’s nothing I
can do about it.”

She realized he wasn’t going to like
what she said next but knew he’d find out from his family when he
returned to the tribe. “I did leave your lodge, Citlali, but I was
so hurt that you left without telling me. I felt as if I didn’t
matter to you, but I’m here and I can see that I do. I won’t leave
you again.”

He took her hand in his and placed it
over his heart where she felt his steady heartbeat. “There are
things that the white man does that I envy and their ways of
marriage are one of them. I know that if you wanted to leave, I am
to be gracious and let you go, even if it means seeing you marry
another man, but I don’t think I can ever be gracious about
something like that. I don’t like the uncertainty of our marriage
customs. You’re a part of me. You complete me.”

“
You complete me,
too.”

He studied their hands and hesitated
for a moment. “I’ve had a lot of time to think while I’ve been out
here.”

Curious, she studied the serious
expression on his face. “What have you been thinking
about?”

“
The chief, the tribe, the
white man, you… Mostly you. But I don’t think I believe the same
things the chief does anymore, the things I was brought up to
believe.”

“
I don’t
understand.”

“
The Lone Man, the value of
the sacred bundles, the meaning behind our ceremonies… They don’t
mean the same thing to me that they mean to the chief. I think I’m
beginning to embrace the white man’s ways, his values, his beliefs,
his religion. I don’t know what to do about that.”

“
What else can you do but
accept the fact that you’re changing right along with everything
else?”

“
And can you accept this
about me?”

She kissed his cheek. “You’re not the
only person who’s been thinking these thoughts. I have as
well.”

“
Have you?”

“
I talked to Woape and
Julia. They tell me what the white man’s ways are.”

“
So we might be more alike
than we thought.”

With a smile, she said,
“Probably.”

“
Thank you for coming,” he
whispered, returning her smile. “I wanted to return to the tribe
and talk to you, but I was afraid you’d have nothing to do with me
and now you’re here.”

She kissed him again, and he brought
her back into his arms and held her close. When the kiss ended, she
sighed in contentment.

“
Are you hungry?” he
asked.

“
Yes. I see you caught a
fox.”

“
It took me all day. I’m
not a hunter. Chogan would laugh if he saw it.”

She slipped her arm around his as they
headed for the fox and the quiver he had dropped on his way to meet
her. “Don’t worry about what Chogan thinks. Chogan’s desire is to
hunt. Yours is to lead. I doubt Chogan would do as well in leading
as you do.”

“
Maybe not, but he’d never
admit it.”

She chuckled, and she noted a slight
grin on his lips. “You should smile more often.” When he didn’t
respond, she added, “It’s alright to show emotions, especially the
good ones. I want to see you smile more.”

“
I’ll work on it,” he
promised. “And we will talk more in the future about things that
are bothering us?”

“
Yes, we will.” She leaned
against him as they continued walking, and she knew everything was
going to be alright.

***

The chief’s verdict spread through the
tribe, and Chogan had just returned from hunting a turkey and
coyote when he heard it. Julia came up to him as soon as he handed
his mother and aunt the game in his lodge.

Noting the way Woape held a crying
Penelope a couple feet from the firepit, Chogan turned to Julia.
“What’s wrong?”

Julia released a shaky
breath and lifted Dakota into her arms. “The chief has
ordered
Anoki to shoot Cole with an arrow
in two days because Cole killed
Quanah.”

“
But he didn’t mean to kill
him,” Chogan softly stated, careful to keep his voice low so
Penelope wouldn’t have to go through any more heartache than she
was enduring. Because of the chief’s heartless decree, she lost her
children and now she was about to lose her husband if someone
didn’t do something to stop it. “Anoki will refuse to do it, won’t
he?”

“
I don’t think so,” she
whispered.

Chogan glanced at Dakota and turned
his gaze to Tate who was playing with a string of beads while
sitting in his great-aunt’s lap. Then he looked at Julia and
thought of how he’d respond if a white man told him he couldn’t
take his children with him if he wanted to go back to the tribe.
He’d do everything he could to keep his family together.

“
I’m going to talk to Anoki
and the chief,” he finally said.

He didn’t wait for Julia to respond.
She knew him well enough to know he’d speak up on Cole’s behalf,
which is why she came to him as soon as he entered the lodge.
Thinking he might have more success with Anoki than the chief, he
headed for his lodge but found Anoki talking to two men by one of
the drying platforms where corn and deer meat hung to
dry.

“
Anoki,” Chogan called out
before the men noticed him.

The men turned in his direction, and
Anoki eyed him warily. “What do you want, Chogan?”

“
I heard the chief told you
to kill Cole.”

With a heavy sigh, Anoki crossed his
arms. “Why is it that any time the chief makes a mandate, you’re
the first one there to tell everyone else not to do what he
says?”

“
You’re always creating a
disruption,” Bodaway said. “Don’t listen to him, Anoki. He’s not
the first or second chief, and he’ll be out of the tribe soon
enough.”

As the men turned to dismiss him,
Chogan reached out and touched Anoki’s shoulder. When he looked
back at him, Chogan asked, “What’s wrong with you? A man’s life is
at stake, and you act like nothing is wrong.”

“
Something is wrong,
Chogan!” Anoki shrugged his hand off his shoulder. “Who are you to
go around the tribe as if you’re the chief? You have no right to
tell me what to do. That white man killed one of our
own.”

“
To protect his children,”
Chogan argued. “If someone tried to take your children away because
the chief told them to, what would you do?”

“
This is a fruitless
argument,” Bodaway interrupted. “It won’t bring Quanah
back.”

“
And neither will killing
Cole,” Chogan replied.

“
You might feel differently
if Quanah was your brother,” Anoki said, his jaw set in a firm
line.

“
Well, one thing we can’t
say about the chief is that he’s a fool,” Chogan replied. “He chose
you because you are Quanah’s brother. He wants to use your anger so
you’ll carry out his wishes. This isn’t about Quanah. It’s about
making sure Etu and Yepa stay in the tribe so they can marry other
full-blooded Mandans and preserve our line.”

“
The chief feels the loss
of every Mandan. Quanah isn’t a pawn,” Bodaway said, his lips
formed in a tight line.

“
Quanah is a pawn,” Chogan
insisted. “As tragic as his death is, killing Cole will only make
it worse.”

“
No, it’s not,” Bodaway
snapped.

“
Yes, it is. Cole has a
wife and two children. When you kill him, you’re hurting
them.”

“
He should have thought of
that before he took out his gun and started shooting
it.”

Chogan gritted his teeth. “He didn’t
mean to kill anyone. He only wanted to leave with his family, and
none of you would let him.”

“
Those children aren’t
his.”

“
You think because he’s
white and the children aren’t, that he doesn’t love
them?”

Anoki held his hand up to stop Bodaway
from replying. “You’re right. There’s no sense in talking to
Chogan. He has a white wife and a white brother-in-law. He’s one of
them.”

Chogan bit back his reply as they
shook their heads at him then walked away from him. What was the
point? He didn’t belong in the white man’s world, and he didn’t
belong here. The only place he belonged was with Julia and their
children. He imagined Cole felt the same way. Since his children
weren’t white, he probably faced similar discrimination around
other people whose minds were too small that they couldn’t
understand love didn’t know the boundaries of a person’s skin
color.

Though he knew it wouldn’t yield
better results, he headed for the chief’s lodge. He had to make the
effort. If it was him, he’d hope someone would stand up on his
behalf.