Boy Meets Girl - Say Hello to Courtship (10 page)

Another part of guarding our hearts in fellowship involves making sure we're not trying to take God's place in each other's lives. If you're beginning to look to each other as your main source of comfort, encouragement, and courage, something is \vrong. Remind each other to find your soul's satisfaction in God alone.

Romance

Our discussion of romance has been left till the end intentionally. Growing in romance should take place only when friendship and fellowship are deepening.

The essence of pure romance is pursuit-a man showing through his words and appropriate actions his care, affection, and sincere love for a woman and the woman responding in kind.

While romance is not the first priority in courtship, it's still important. Romantic feelings and the pure nonphysical expression of those feelings are an essential part of this time in a relationship. If God is confirming the wisdom and lightness of the relationship, romantic feelings should be seen as a good thing and a gift from God. Our goal during courtship is not to stifle our feelings of affection and love, but to submit them to God and to grow in and guard them.

Men, it's our privilege to be the initiators of romantic expression in our courtships. Throughout the relationship, it's appropriate for us to communicate "genuine affection" (Romans 12:10, nlt). Send her an e-mail during the day to let her know

Our guideline for what we do and don't do during courtship is that we never want our romantic expression to promise more commitment than we would be ready to express in words. It should grow as our confidence about marriage increases. The goal is to tell the truth about the relationship. It doesn't serve a girl if a man's romantic expression is too far ahead or too far behind.

During the first month of his courtship with Nicole, my friend Steve was so determined to guard her heart that he forgot to show through his actions how much he really liked her-and believe me he
really
liked her! Steve was actually very confident that he wanted to marry Nicole, but Nicole interpreted his reserve as a lack of serious interest. This caused her to be very guarded, which in turn made it difficult for them to grow closer. Fortunately, Nicole's father and mother were providing oversight for the relationship. They saw the problem and intervened. One weekend while Nicole was out of town visiting her sister, her dad took Steve aside and told him that he needed to express his feelings more. "It would serve Nicole if you were a little more romantic," he said.

Steve was only too happy to oblige. He felt like a kid who had just been told he needed to eat more candy! The next day when he picked Nicole up at the airport, he was waiting at the gate with a huge grin and a bouquet of flowers. Steve has since been increasing his romantic expression through his words and actions.

Gentlemen, when we know that we want to marry a girl, we can begin to actively seek to win her heart. God-honoring wooing is neither licentious nor manipulative. It's pure, it's sincere, and it's backed up by a desire for lifelong commitment.

What does it mean to guard our hearts with regard to romance? In my relationship with Shannon, the principle that guided me was simple. Romance during our courtship needed to flow out of deepening commitment. I refused to stoke the fires of romantic zeal before I knew I wanted to marry her. Doing so might have led to short-term enjoyment, but it would have deeply hurt her eventually. Romantic passion awakened without commitment can lead to sin and regret (see Song of Songs 2:7).

A practical application of this principle is the question of when to say "I love you." If you feel love for the other person, should you verbalize it? Again, we must be guided by what's best for the other person. In some cases, saying "I love you" prematurely can be a very unloving thing to do. Unless those words are sincere and an expression of true commitment, they are meaningless and can cause great pain.

I share this not to say that it's always wrong to say "I love you" before engagement. Other men I respect have said it earlier. In their particular relationships, it served the one they loved to let her know the depth of their feelings, and engagement followed soon after. My encouragement is to use caution.

The Excitement Continues

Couples growing in friendship, fellowship, and romance still have to think about their different roles as men and women, communicate authentically, and have a game plan for sexual purity. We'll talk about these issues and more in the following chapters.

Is it idealistic to try to be more than friends, but less than lovers-to be cautious and careful in courtship? Yes, but that doesn't mean it's unrealistic. Someone has said, "Ideals are like stars; we will not succeed in touching them with our hands, but by following them, as the seafaring man on the ocean, we will reach our destiny."

I believe that, guided by the ideals to love each other sincerely and to consider marriage wisely, we can reach the destination of being lifelong friends
and
lovers in marriage.

Practical Principles for Great Communication

Only a few days after I bought my cell phone, the calls started pouring in. Unfortunately, they weren't for me. It turned out that my phone number had previously belonged to a Domino's Pizza shop. Now at all hours of the day and night people were ringing me with their orders.

"I'm sorry" I'd say, "but this isn't Domino's Pizza. Yes, you dialed the right number. It's just that now it's the number of my cell phone. No, I'm afraid I don't have Domino's new number. Yes, I'm sure they'll honor your two-for-one coupon. Bye."

Most people understood. What I found hilarious were the callers who refused take no for an answer.

"I'd like to order a large cheese pizza," a lady told me.

"I'm sorry, ma'am, this isn't Domino's," I said. "You've reached my personal cell phone."

"How much will it cost?" she asked.

"I have no idea, this is not...."

More than Just Talking

Communication. It's not such a simple thing, is it? Besides the complications created by our sinful tendencies and the differences between men and women, we have to deal with wrong phone numbers!

Even the best relationships have their "cheese
pizza"
moments. These are the times when instead of talking to each other, we talk
past each
other; times when we're so easily offended that we spend our time arguing over the offense instead of the real issue; moments when we're so focused on ourselves that we forget that hearing isn't the same as listening.

A lot of people assume that since they know how to talk, they must know how to communicate. If only it were that easy. My experience with the calls for Domino's Pizza proves that clear communication involves more than just talking. I was talking to the lady who wanted a cheese pizza, but we definitely weren't communicating.

Why weren't we? Because communication is more than just speaking; it's listening. And it's more than just listening; it's understanding and properly responding to what we've heard. Clear communication occurs when two people know not only what to say, but when and how to say it.

Many couples assume that since they talk a lot and have romantic feelings for each other, they're communicating well. That isn't necessarily true. It's possible to exchange thousands of words with people and never learn what they believe or value or

If you're in a relationship and considering the possibility of marriage, I hope that you'll read this chapter very carefully. Maybe the title made you think that it's going to discuss the proper timing and technique for locking lips with your sweetheart. Sorry-you won't find that here. The most important thing your lips can do right now isn't kissing; it's
communicating.

We All Have Room for Improvement

Authentic communication is a skill that takes time, effort, and determination to learn. It also takes humility. The first step in getting good at communication is admitting that we're
not
good at it. We all need to humbly face the fact that most of us are novices.

Men especially often have a lot to learn in this area. But let's not dismiss our weakness as a "guy" thing. Instead, let's push ourselves to grow so we can bless the women in our lives and experience the joy of rich relationships.

And women shouldn't assume that they can't learn something too. My mom realized early in her marriage that even though she communicated well with my dad when they talked about ideas, principles, or concepts, she struggled when they tried to talk about her emotions.

Mom had been raised in what she describes as a "quiet Japanese family," in which her parents and siblings rarely, if ever, expressed their feelings. Her primary outlet for communication had been at school, where she would debate issues in the classroom with her teachers and classmates. The result was that her communication skills were lopsided. Like a weight lifter who had only exercised one group of muscles, her ability to communicate

My mom knew that if she wanted her relationship with my dad to be healthy, she had to be honest about her weakness. Improvement took time. "There were nights when we'd stay up for hours working through an issue," she told me. "If we'd had a conflict or disagreement, your dad would patiently draw me out about what I was feeling. At first I couldn't even articulate it. But over time I learned to recognize and be able to talk about what was happening in my heart."

Let me encourage you to ask God to reveal the places where your communication can improve. And if you start to see some areas of weakness, don't try to explain them away, just ask God to give you the grace to change it. God opposes the proud but promises to give "grace to the humble" (James 4:6). As you humble yourself, God's mighty grace will begin to transform you.

Five Principles for Authentic Communication

Do you remember the two central priorities of a God-glorifying courtship that we talked about in chapter 5? They were to
treat each other with holiness and sincerity
and to
make an informed and wise decision about marriage.
As we discuss communication during courtship, these two priorities should be our guiding lights. We want to be able to say with a clear conscience that our words were sincere. We want to see each others character clearly and better understand each other's attitudes, values, opinions, and convictions about life.

Courtship is the time both to look for weak spots in your communication and to work to strengthen them. Our standard shouldn't be
perfection,
but consistent
growth.
The following five principles can help you improve communication in your courtship.