Boy Meets Girl - Say Hello to Courtship (23 page)

If you're a man, are you currently initiating and leading in the relationship? Do you have the faith to lead this woman and serve her in love for a lifetime? You need to make sure that she can and will follow your spiritual leadership.

4.
Are. other people supportive of your relationship?

Have you had the protection and support of your local church in your courtship? Please don't move forward with engagement before getting counsel from people who know you well. Powlison and Yenchko write:

Good counsel helps you carefully and prayerfully think through the decision. It sorts out whether your main reasons for marrying are self-centered, or if you know how to commit yourself to love someone else. Good counsel helps you identify potential problem areas and work on them now.

5.Is
sexual desire playing too big (or too small) a part in your decision?

Sexual involvement before marriage can muddle clear thinking. Someone has said, "Never let a fool kiss you or a kiss fool you." Has sexual desire fooled you into believing that your relationship is better than it really is? Or is looking forward to sex a primary motive in wanting to get married? Sex is obviously a very

important part of marriage, but remember that it can't make up for weaknesses in other parts of a relationship.

While sexual desire shouldn't play too big a part, it shouldn't be too small, either. It's important that you are sexually attracted to your spouse. As my dad likes to say, we shouldn't try to be "more spiritual than God" and many someone we aren't excited about going to bed with.

6.
Do you have a track record of solving problems biblically?

David Powlison and John Yenchko ask:

Do you act like godly adults, or like self-centered children

when facing disagreements, misunderstandings, or decisions? Failure to solve problems biblically shows up in lots of obvious ways. Do you manipulate? Do you avoid facing problems? Do you whitewash matters by pretending everything is okay? Do you store up resentments?

If you see wrong patterns in your relationship, it doesn't necessarily mean that you should end it, but you do need to be cautious and seek to change. Good marriages are not devoid of conflict. What is important is that both people are committed to resolving problems according to God's Word.

What does it mean to solve problems biblically? It starts with a basic understanding of what the Bible teaches about the major areas of life. It means knowing how to bring up and talk through difficult issues. It means being willing to ask forgiveness for your contribution to the problem, no matter what the other person has done.

Don't move ahead unless you see progress in this part of your relationship.

"When the Bible speaks of marriage," write Powlison and Yenchko, "it speaks four times of 'leaving and cleaving.' Leaving means you are no longer tied to the direction set by your parents and your single life.
Cleaving
means you choose to move in the same direction as your spouse."

Powlison and Yenchko point out that they're not making an argument for the secular notion of "compatibility" which says that a relationship can only work if a man and woman come hatched out of the same mold.

Two very different people can have a wonderful marriage. But there are
basic
kinds of agreement that a man and woman come to in order to cleave to one another. Jesus says that we must count the cost of our decisions (Luke 14:28-29). Amos says, "Can two people walk together unless they be agreed?" (Amos 3:3).

Have you talked about what "leaving and cleaving" will mean if you get married? Courtship is the time to discuss how you would relate to your parents and your single friends as a married couple. Are you ready to let go of much of the individual freedom you've had as a single? How do you envision your shared life? Are you in agreement about lifestyle issues like religious beliefs and practice, children, church involvement, and money?

8.
Have you taken into account any cultural differences you have?
Derrick and Lindsey had to work through the differences of a Korean and a Chinese upbringing. My friends Cori and Kathy got engaged only after they had seriously considered the challenges they would face in an interracial marriage-Cori is black, Kathy is white. Walking with Kathy on the street, Cori had been called a "sell-out" by other blacks; Kathy had to

"The tendency," writes Douglas Wilson, "is to look at all such differences through a romantic haze and if anyone brings them up, to dismiss them with a wave of the hand. 'Oh, we thought of that.' But thinking 'of that' and thinking through it are two different things."

Are interracial marriages unbiblical? Definitely not. Nevertheless, Wilson advises:

They should not be approached thoughtlessly The difference between men and women are great enough already; if a couple has to deal with the other cultural barriers to communication as well, it could cause considerable problems.

9.
Do either of you have complicating entanglements from past marriages or relationships?

We live in a time when many people bring the consequences of past relationships into the present. Are you committed to dealing with these issues on God's terms? David Powlison and John Yenchko write:

There are "legal" divorces which Jesus views as illegitimate (Matthew 19:1-9). There are times when the Lord commands us to continue to pursue reconciliation rather than remarry (1 Corinthians 7:10-11). There are also situations in which God views the marriage as broken, and a person is free to consider remarrying (Matthew

All the ins and outs of these questions go beyond the scope of our discussion here. But if you have prior entanglements (for example a prior marriage or children out of wedlock), you must think through the implications of what the Lord says. Seek pastoral counsel from others who will take the biblical passages seriously. Ideally the church should make a declaration that a person is or is not free to remarry.

10. Do you want to marry this person?

"The Bible tells us that the decision to marry is a choice we make," write Powlison and Yenchko. "The final questions you should ask yourself are, 'Do I
want
to marry this person?' and 'Does this person
want
to marry me?'"

Why do two skilled counselors ask what seems like such a basic question? Because they've seen too many couples over-spiritualize the decision of whom they marry. Instead of realizing that God leads us by providing wisdom and allowing us to make our own choices, these couples wait for a "mystical experience" that will tell them what to do. Countering this mindset Powlison and Yenchko write:

Getting married is
your
choice. You are the one who will affirm vows and say "I do." No one-and no "leading"- can constrain or compel you to make these vows.

First Corinthians 7:25-40 is the lengthiest passage in the Bible that explicitly speaks of how people decide to get married. It is filled with phrases such as: "He should do as he wants, he is not sinning"; "The man who has settled the matter in his own mind, who is under no

who has made up his mind"; "She is free to marry any|

one she wishes, but he must belong to the Lord."

Could it be any clearer? God expects you to make the deci3

sion. And God promises to bless you and work out His will in your life through your decisions.

Finally, David Powlison and John Yenchko remind couples that their yes is to a person, not to a "fantasy woman" or to "the man I hope he will become." They write:

I

Ask yourself, Am I willing to accept this person as he or she is? Do I want to marry this person?' Make sure that you are not coming to marriage with a hidden agenda, expecting to change the other person once you are married. Are you saying yes to a real person, with weaknesses as well as strengths, sins as well as gifts?

Wanting the Best

When two people are in love, questions like the ones we've just looked at can seem tiresome. Reading them is about as much fun as being pulled over by a stem "courtship cop." But. while they might seem to rain on the parade of romantic ardor, they really are important. What I hope you realize is that carefully thinking through these and other issues is an expression of Christlike love for each other. There's nothing loving about walking into marriage with your eyes closed. Examination will strengthen a healthy relationship.

Do you really want what's best for each other? Then you'll welcome the chance to honestly evaluate it, even if it means you discover some potential problems.

After reading this chapter, maybe you've realized that you don't want to marry the person you're in a courtship with. Miguel and Elena had courted three months when they decided to call off their relationship. "We appreciated each other as friends," Miguel explains. "But when we spent more time together one-on-one, we discovered that we were very different and just didn't complement each other. Our courtship helped us see that we weren't meant to go further than friendship."

I know this can be very difficult, but if you're having doubts about your relationship, please don't be afraid to admit it. Remember, you're under no obligation to get married. A successful courtship is one in which two people treat each other with holiness and sincerity and make a wise choice about marriage -whether the choice is yes or no.

What should you do if you think you're supposed to end a relationship? Besides continuing to pray, I encourage you to discuss your reservations with a trusted Christian friend who can help you process your feelings. Don't ask him or her to try to convince you one way or the other. You just need someone who can listen to your concerns and help you identify why you're lacking faith for marriage.

Next, if you
realize
you don't want to get married (even if engagement hasn't been brought up), the courtship should end. Every day that a courtship continues is an unspoken statement that both people are growing in their confidence for marriage. If either person loses this confidence, he or she owes it to the other person to halt the courtship.

When you end the courtship, communicate your thoughts and feelings with the motive of serving the other person. Ask for God's help to choose the right words. Consider writing out

It's also important that you be clear about the status of the relationship. If the courtship is over, make sure the other person understands that you're not just putting it on pause. My friend John was vague when he ended his courtship. For more than a year the girl held out hope that the relationship would pick backup. John realized that he selfishly liked the idea of having her as a "back up" should he change his mind. He apologized and made it clear that they would only be friends in the future.

Life-Rocking, but Not Life-Ending

But what if you're the person being broken up with? What if you would like the relationship to continue, but the other person wants to end it? How do you handle that? "It can be a real life-rocker," thirty-four-year-old Pam admits. "People need to
realize
that their hearts will recover. They can get over it. God is sovereign. It is not the end of life."

When Gary ended their relationship, my friend Evelyn struggled with self-pity and disappointment. But she realized that the fact that she felt devastated showed that she'd been hoping for too much from the relationship. God helped her to find comfort in His unchanging character and love.

And though it was difficult at first, she and Gary have been able to relate again as friends. "My biggest prayer after we broke up was, 'Lord, I don't want to grow bitter towards him,'" Evelyn told me afterwards. "It's hard. But today we're good friends. That's possible because of the way Gary led during our courtship. Our hearts weren't engaged prematurely."