Bracing the Blue Line (31 page)

Sex after a loss always makes things better.

Until Maddie is laying next to me, and I notice that she still looks thinner. Clearing my throat, I decide to say something.

“Have you lost weight?”

She shrugs like she doesn't know. “Maybe. I've been running more. Do I look like I have?” Maddie smiles as if that would be a good thing.

“Yeah. Maybe you should eat more and run less. You don't need to lose weight.”

This time, she frowns. “I'm not going back to Fatty Maddie, Winston.”

I lay on my back and stare at the ceiling. Fucking Dave. “You weren't ever fat, Maddie. Dave was a dick to call you that and you shouldn't have believed him so much. You were fine the way you were. It's not healthy for you to lose weight when you're already so little. I'm surprised you have weight to lose.”

“I was a little heavy, to say the least,” she protests.

“I don't care how much you weighed or how it might have looked because you're short. You were
healthy
, Maddie. That's what mattered. Did you ever eat lunch after we worked out the other day?” I've noticed that she'll grab something small, like a granola bar, for breakfast, but I always thought she would eat a big lunch, especially because that's what she said. I've tried to get her to eat breakfast with me, but she won't.

“No, I wasn't hungry.”

I roll onto my side to face her. “Are you still self-conscious about your weight, Maddie?” I question as gently as possible.

She rolls her eyes. “No.”

“You're lying,” I state simply. Maddie always absentmindedly pulls her lips into a subtle purse when she lies. Guess what her lips did right before she answered me? I pull her closer to me, holding her head in my hands. “I don't give a fuck that he teased you. You're gorgeous, Maddie. You were back in high school and you are now. But if you aren't eating like you should on top of exercising like a fucking maniac, that's not good. It's not healthy.”

That purse of her lips appears before she says, “I'm fine.”

“Don't lie to me, damn it!” I release her face and roll onto my back again, throwing my arm over my face. Has she been like this since the night we ended? Always struggling with a nonexistent weight problem because her brother was a fucking idiot who thought it was funny?

“What makes you think I'm lying, Winston?” It pisses me off that she's curious about this and deflecting from the issue at hand.

“You have a tell,” I snap. She wiggles on top of me and moves my hand. “You are the prettiest when you're healthy, Maddie. You don't look healthy to me right now,” I say before she can utter a word.

“Can we just drop it?” she whispers, kissing my jaw, trying to distract me.

“No.”

Maddie sighs, moves back to her side of the bed, and covers up. “Good night then.”

“Maddie,” I start.

“Good night, Winston,” she repeats more forcefully.

I sigh. “Night.”

This conversation is far from over. Once finals are over, she'll be out of reach until spring semester. I could hope that Dave notices, but I doubt he really understands what's going on with her. After tonight's conversation, I'm concerned. Maybe I should wait and see how things go once we get back. If things are the same, then I'll have to force Dave to talk to me.

IT FEELS LIKE so much has happened. Christmas is coming up. Thanksgiving, which was awesome, has already passed. I had the day off, so while everyone went home, I stayed at the house, relaxed, caught up on homework, and texted Audra. She and her parents traveled to her grandparents, so I was left here all alone. Can't say I didn't enjoy it either. It was much appreciated down time.

Audra has officially become my girlfriend, though the guys still don't know about the baby. They will soon enough if things go as planned. Things with Audra have been good. We've been going to childbirth classes. We're doing well in school, and we go out here and there. She's even going with me to dinner on Sundays sometimes.

We're supposed to go out tonight since we haven't seen each other much because I had some games during the week. Between losing last night and missing her, I'm ready to see Audra. Plus, tonight, I plan on asking her to move in with me. I'm over here early as usual.

“Neil? That you?” she calls from down the hall as I shut the door behind me.

“Yeah, babe.” Yep. I can call her that now.

“Come here please.”

I walk down to her find her in the bathroom. Her hair is down, sleek as it hangs around her shoulders. She's wearing a sweater that shows off her belly, but she hasn't put her pants on yet. Audra gives me a smile and kiss when I enter the room.

“Could you do me a huge favor?”

“What is it?”

She looks down at her legs. “Will you shave my legs for me again?”

I laugh. “You ask me that every time we go out. Do you think I'll end up saying no?” I ask, motioning for her to step in the tub so we can wet her legs like every other time I've done this for her.

“I don't know. I'm sure you get sick of it. I mean, I do and they're my legs.”

“I don't mind, Audra. You know that.”

“And that's why I lo-” She stops so suddenly that I look up at her, not even realizing what she was going to say until I do.

I keep my mouth shut, not wanting to make her uncomfortable if she's not ready to say that yet. Hell, I don't know if I am. There's still that small, irrational fear in the back of my mind that if I ever utter those words again, something terrible will follow. We are quiet as we follow through our steps to shave her legs. We're almost done when I clear my throat. With her almost admission, I'm jumping the gun on my plans, but I can't help it.

“There's something I've been meaning to talk to you about.” I cut my eyes over at her as she places a hand on her stomach.

“You have?” Her voice is too quiet, and it hits me that she may think I want to leave with her slip of the tongue.

“I want you to move in with me.”

Audra's eyes widen. “What? Why?”

I give her my best 'are you serious' look. “Babe, I stay here more than I do at my own place and your bed sleeps like shit. We're practically living together as it is. I just...” I pause, noting that she looks a little freaked out, something I was not expecting. At all. “Think about it, okay? My place is bigger, my parents won't make us pay rent because I'm not now, and I'll talk to the guys. It might be easier and better once the baby comes if we were living together, that's all I'm saying.”

She doesn't say anything as I finish working on her legs. We're about to raise a baby together and she's freaked out over living with me? Why? The longer she's silent the more instances over the past month pop up. Any time I try to take charge in any way, she stiffens a little and usually snaps at me like she did at the doctor's office that day.

“Hey, you know what,” she starts, trying to sound cheerful. “You haven't hung out with the guys in a while and I haven't with Mimi or the girls. Why don't we do that instead?”

Audra's canceling on me? After we've had this planned all week? After I shaved her legs? My heart sinks, which kind of surprises me if I'm honest. I was looking forward to going out, but if she doesn't want to, then we won't.

“Yeah, okay. I guess I'll go then.” I give her a soft, short kiss and add, “Text me later.”

She says she will, but for some reason, I doubt her. As I drive home, it hits me that my mistake was asking her to move in with me. I couldn't leave things alone and now, things aren't right between us. If she doesn't want to, then that's fine. As long as she and the baby are healthy, that's all that matters to me in the end.

When I get to the house, the guys are in the kitchen, talking. They all stop when I walk in.

“I thought you had plans tonight,” Bo says.

“Plans get canceled. What are y'all doing?”

“Just decided we're going to the bar tonight,” Winston states.

“Want to come?” Grant asks.

“Yeah, I think I will.”

It's a bit early, but we leave anyway. We're all hungry and some of the other guys on the team will be meeting us there. By now, the guys know I'm dating someone, but that's it. They don't know anything more than that. So it doesn't faze anyone when Bo starts asking questions after the waitress, Liana, has taken our orders. Pretty name. I haven't seen her here before, so she must be new.

“Well, what happened?”

I take a swig of my beer. “I get there and she's not quite ready, which isn't new. I may have asked her something important, and then she suggested she go hang with the girls and I hang with y'all. So, I left.”

Bo nods, like that makes complete sense. It doesn't, dumbass. That's what I want to say, but I don't. I don't want to talk about her, so I look at Grant and Winston.

“Where's Lucy and Maddie?” They would usually be with them, but I guess not tonight.

Winston laughs. “They ditched us earlier for each other.”

“Yeah, apparently Maddie,” Grant glares at Winston, “needed to go do something and Lucy had to go too.”

“Don't look at me,” Winston tells him. “Lucy's the one who decided it was better than going out with you tonight.”

Grant rolls his eyes as two guys walk up to our table. “Hey, Patrick, Jonathan. Guys, these jackasses are two of Lucy's brothers.” He laughs, and I'm surprised the guys chuckle. From what I've heard, they aren't all that nice when it comes to their sister.

I zone out of the conversation as they begin to talk, and I eat. What they say doesn't matter to me. Maybe it would if I wasn't so concerned about Audra. I want us to work, damn it. I haven't wanted anything as much as this in a long time, but that doesn't mean shit if Audra doesn't want it too.

“Let's play a game,” Bo interrupts my thoughts as he nods at the pool table.

I should have known it was a bad idea because as soon as he breaks, he starts talking. “You asked her about moving in?” I nod curtly. “She said no?”

“She didn't say anything,” I correct, feeling like it should matter more than it probably does. “Next thing out of her mouth was to cancel our plans, which I guess suffices for a no.”

“Have you started freaking out yet?”

I want to take my pool cue and jab him in the gut. “No,” I semi-lie and Bo leaves it at that. Like I said, all that really matters is that they are healthy. If Audra doesn't want more than what we have now, then that's fine. Even if I want more. I can survive either way. I just wish Audra would be up front with me about what she wants. She can tell me what she's thinking about everything, but this.

We don't talk for four more games with me drinking beer after beer after beer. Thoughts of Candace and my current situation with Audra swirl in my mind, fueling the drinking. And it doesn't miss my attention that Lucy and Maddie show up, heading straight for Grant and Winston with big smiles. My eyes scan the room as Bo takes a shot, landing on a girl I've slept with a time or two before. When was the last time I had sex anyway? It feels like a lifetime ago.

“Don't even think about it, Neil,” Bo's voice cuts through my thoughts, making me turn to him. He glances at the girl to show me that he saw me looking. “Don't do anything stupid.”

“Fuck off, Bo.” I shove my pool cue at him much harder than I meant, and he stumbles backwards into a passing waitress. I stalk over to the table, ignoring all the eyes on me as I throw some cash down to cover my food and drinks and start walking out of the bar.

Like I would have actually gone after the girl! It pisses me off that he thinks I would do that to Audra, whether she ever found out about it or not. She's carrying my baby girl! I love her! And he thinks I would throw away the simple possibility of being with her like I want because she shut down on me today? Just for a piece of ass?

Fucking bastard.

I don't have to listen to his shit because I can get the hell out of here.

My phone rings and I answer it angrily, “What?”

“Neil?” Audra's voice sounds on the other end.

“Neil!” Bo calls from behind me.

I ignore him. “Hey, babe. Sorry about that,” I say much nicer.

“Everything okay?”

“Neil!” Bo yells again as I unlock the doors to my car. “Don't you get in that fucking car!”