Break My Heart (The Heart Series Book 2) (35 page)

Calm and collected, he motions me to take a seat on my reading chair across from the bed so we can face each other. I quietly comply.

He takes a deep breath, eyeing me resolutely. He sits patiently as if waiting for me to brace myself to receive a blow.

Suddenly, as I watch him, I realize something. He’s assertive, composed. This isn’t the fly-by-the-seat-of-his-pants Tommy. This is a man who knows who he is and what he wants.

He’s outgrown me. What did I expect? That he was going to stick around and wait patiently forever? I can’t even give him the words, how can I hand him my heart, my soul? My hands shake and my vision blurs. Anxiety bubbles and I swallow it down. I can’t let him see me grieve.

“Lil….” He just shakes his head.

I did this. The least I can do is let him off the hook.

“It’s okay, Tommy. I know last night was work. As far as us, we gave it a shot—”

He cuts me off firmly. “Stop. Just stop and listen.”

I can’t stay still. I bring my legs up against my body and wrap my arms around them, holding myself together, trying not to shatter into a million pieces. These last few days have been the end-all-be-all of whatever self-possession I had left.

“Lil,” he begins again, this time more determined, his beautiful eyes never leaving mine.

I brace myself for the blow.
You can bear this, Ileana.

“I’m sorry about the bar. I’m sorry about not being there for you, and I don’t mean just for Nelson.” He shakes his head, his eyes boring into me, caressing me with his gaze. “I’ve been hiding at work. I’ve been hiding from us. Not wanting to deal, and I’ve hurt you, hurt
us
.” He motions back and forth between us.

My chest is so tight and I don’t think oxygen is going into my lungs because I’m dizzy. Pressing my fist into my breastbone, I push down my anguish, trapping it deep, because I don’t know where he’s going with this.

“I’m scared to death of losing you, Lil. It fucking terrifies me to do or say something wrong. I keep hoping you’ll tell me everything when you’re ready. But it’s not happening, is it?”

I squeeze my legs against my chest and rock in place, trying to keep it together, but I fail miserably. A tear escapes the corner or my eye, and I quickly wipe it away. I don’t say a word, but Tommy continues, calmer than I’ve ever seen him. “If time is what you need, I’ll give it to you. I will move out. Stay at my own place. I’ll wait. No matter how long it takes, I’ll wait for you, Lil.”

Blinking rapidly in confusion, it takes me a minute to process his words.

Even though I kicked him out, he’s not leaving me?

I can’t hold it in anymore; huge sobs burst from my chest as I unravel, right in front of his eyes.

He flies from the bed and kneels in front of me, his chest pressing against my legs.

“Hey, don’t. Please don’t cry,” he whispers, grabbing my face and raising it to meet his agonizing expression.

He’s everything to me, and all I do is hurt him. His eyes are filled with the pain I have caused. All because I was terrified he’d break my heart. But I did that all on my own, with my insecurities, my fears, and my doubts. Instead of fighting for us, I fled, breaking his heart in the process.

It’s my undoing. I fall completely apart, unable to stop my tears and keep my grief under control.

“Look at me, baby.” His voice is so calm, his chiseled features full of anguish. “Don’t.” He shakes his head, drying my tears with his thumbs.

He cradles my face with his strong hands, leaning his forehead against mine. His breath caresses my lips, the smell of clean soap and musk wrapping around me like a warm blanket on a cold day. I close my eyes and lean into his touch, grabbing on to his arms, trying to keep from drifting away.

“You’re it for me, Lil. Forever. You hear me?” he whispers against my lips.

And then he takes my hand and brings it to his chest.

“Look at me, Lil,” he orders.

I’ve never seen Tommy so sure about anything in his life; his wish is my command.

“You’ll always hold my heart.” He presses my palm over his tattoo. “You’re all I want. If I can’t be with you….” His eyes shine with unshed tears, his voice breaks, cracking in pain.

“I’m so sorry, Tommy, I’m so sorry,” I mutter but he silences me.

“No. You’ve done nothing wrong. I love you, baby. So much.” His words make me cry even harder.

I clutch his chest, my other hand clings onto his strong bicep for dear life.

“I’m so scared, Tommy,” I whisper. “Please don’t leave me.”

“Hey. Never. Do you hear me?” he states firmly.

I’m finally able to compose myself enough to risk a look at his face. I find nothing but pure love and devotion.
For me
.

“I love you.”

Taking all he means to me, I bundle it around those three words, setting them free into the world, no longer restrained. I watch as the words hang in the air, unregistered, until Tommy drinks them in, one syllable at a time.

Whatever composure was holding Tommy together is eradicated.

He crashes his mouth onto mine with raw desperation, as if it’s the last time he’ll ever see me. I open my body and bring him closer to me. I can’t live without him and I don’t want to try.

He pulls away breathless, pressing his forehead to mine, chuckling. “You thought I was gonna let you dump me, didn’t you?”

A sigh of relief escapes me and I give him a small nod.

“You’re not getting rid of me that easy,” he murmurs over my lips.

He gets up, taking me with him, his strong arms embracing me under my t-shirt. I straddle him, wrapping myself against his hard body. He uses one hand to pull the blankets back and lowers me to the bed.

Quickly doing away with his clothes, he climbs in after me. He pulls me tightly against him, and I bury my face in the crook of his neck, taking in his essence, his strong body.

“I can’t believe you said it.” His voice is a soothing balm to my beaten spirit; the cure for all that ails me.

“I can’t believe it took me this long.” And I mean it from the bottom of my soul.

I’m no longer a prisoner of my past. I’m not falling, but soaring, unbidden and unrestricted, thanks to his love. I’m no longer afraid of the dark. I’m no longer scared that I’ll face the future alone. Because with Tommy by my side, I can conquer any challenge, beat any opponent, and triumph over adversity.

He pulls my shirt off and yanks playfully at my panties, the happiest shit-eating grin I’ve ever seen beaming down on me.

“Now, while I get these off, tell me again how much you love me.”

CHAPTER 33

Tommy

We collapsed in exhaustion, and I still can’t get enough of her.

Those walls are down and staying down. I’m making sure her heart stays wide open because I’m setting up camp in there forever.

Watching Nelson need a machine to breathe destroyed me. Chris is a shell of the happy-go-lucky brunette I know and love. Charlie is inconsolable. As I suspected, he blames himself but that comes with the territory. How many times did I blame myself when shit went sour back in the sandbox? When Lil went missing? But, most sobering of all, was Charlie’s account of events.

Harper
was heading out first but stopped to yell at Adams, so B went ahead
.

Lil was heading out first. I couldn’t breathe. Quick thoughts of Lil lying in a pool of blood, shot in the gut, flashed through my mind. Had it been her instead of Nelson, no one would have been able to get a hold of me. She could have died yesterday, and I wouldn’t be the wiser.

All because of my job.

Chris’s words almost five months ago came back screaming and mocking me. I am
still
the biggest dumbass in the universe.

I lost her once, and by some miracle I got her back and then some. I’m the luckiest son of a bitch that ever lived, and I’ve been throwing it all away for what? For a case? All this time I’ve been playing this role thinking I can get the Intel I need without sleeping with Victoria. What if I can’t?

Last night I broke my girl’s heart. That’s the kind of Grade-A fuck up I am.

That was the last straw.

After dropping Vic off, I rushed to the hospital. This morning I called my ASAC and laid it all out. I’m not going there with Vic. I don’t care if it’s going to set the case back. Either we move on with what we got, or he can get someone else to find the mole. Regardless, I’ve reached the end of the line. I got Marcus to fill in for me and handle some deliveries for Vic’s father.

Fully sated, we’re both lying naked among the tangled sheets. A light sheen of sweat covers us from our lovemaking. She cuddles up to me and our scents mix, my cologne, her sweet, intoxicating aroma and together—they make one hell of an aphrodisiac.

I want to spread it all over the sheets. I want to mark this whole fucking room with it.

Grabbing her hips, I rub myself against her in the dim light coming from the bathroom. I softly nibble her neck, and a shuddered tremor and moan vibrate against my tongue.

“I wish we could lie here forever.” She read my thoughts.

A fully satisfied expression adorns her beautiful face. My gaze takes a leisure stroll over every freckle, her perfectly shaped eyebrows, her small kissable nose, her thick brown lashes crowning those hypnotic, almond-shaped whiskey eyes, and finally arrives home.

Home to those soft lips I love to kiss, lick, bite.

Just seeing them wrapped around me, sucking…fucking Christ, I’m hard again.

Feeling my growing dick against her stomach, she chuckles. “Again?” A big grin emerges, making her cute, upturned nose twitch ever so slightly.

“Yup. What can I say, you’re my own, personal amusement park ride. Can I go again?”

She smiles. It’s a bittersweet smile, but I’ll take it.

My hands crave her skin. The pads of my fingers slowly trace her lips, down to her neck, to her collarbone. There, in the center of her chest, is my necklace. A symbol of everything she means to me. She’s my best friend, my one and only.

Filled with desire and ecstasy, my lips follow every spot my fingers visited. She closes her eyes and her brow furrows as if she’s in pain. Suddenly, she looks so damn sad.

“Are you thinking about Nelson?” I stop my ministrations and focus on her. Sometimes she thinks too much. Some shit you can’t control. I get that. But Lil doesn’t.

“Yeah, but that’s not it.” She sits up. “Can we talk for a minute?”

That doesn’t sound good. Dread hits my libido like a bucket of ice water.

“What is it?” Cradling her beautiful face, I want to see her eyes when she tells me whatever it is she needs to say.

She grabs my wrists and pulls away, putting some space between us. Both of us still naked, she retreats to the shadow, shying from the light.

“This is really hard for me to say.”

Now every muscle in my body clenches with tension. It takes everything I have not interrupt her. For Lil to open up is a feat, so I need to let her get it out.

She takes a deep, cleansing breath. “When Nelson got shot, it made me think that it could have been me.”

Leaning forward, I softly reassure her. “Oh, baby, don’t—”

She cuts me off. “Please, let me finish. I don’t want to lose my nerve.”

My breath hitches and my heart picks up speed. I don’t know if I want to hear this.

She comes back and kneels in front of me on the bed, planting her cold palms on my chest, her right hand covering my heart—her tattoo—taking a resigned breath. She gulps loudly, bracing herself.

Fuck. I have no clue what she’s going to say.

“I wondered who would get my flag.” She sighs.

What flag?

She takes in my confused expression. “If I die in the line of duty, you wouldn’t get my flag. No one deserves that flag more than you, Tommy.”

She says it like that’s some kind of prize I deserve. What. The. Fuck. “What are you talking about, Lil? The last thing I want is to lose you—”

She silences me with her index finger. “Please, listen. I know. What I’m saying, or trying to say really horribly is, that if I die, I want you to get my flag.”

I’m still staring at her. I have no fucking clue what she’s talking about. The service flag is for the next of kin.

“Sophia is your next of kin,” I say, my brain still trying to process exactly what she means. “So, what are you saying, Lil? You want me to get the flag…?”

“Yes, Tommy, I want you to get my flag,” she says matter-of-factly, her eyes locked on mine.

“Okay.” It’s all I can say. I still don’t understand. “So, you’re going to an attorney? Drafting up papers?”

Her demeanor deflates in frustration. “See? I told you I suck at this.” She lowers her gaze to my tattoo, her fingertips tracing the pattern. My skin prickles at the delicious sensation, sending a big
wake your ass up
to my dick.

She takes a deep breath, her gaze never leaving my tattoo. “I want us to make it legal, you know, for us to be next of kin.”

She wants us to be each other’s next of kin…? “What are you saying, Lil? I’m thoroughly confused here.”

“Shit. You’re going to make me ask, aren’t you? Come on, Tommy, this is hard for me,” she huffs in annoyance.

Now, I’m annoyed. I honestly don’t know what the fuck she’s asking. Breaking contact, I reach for the table lamp on the nightstand, flicking it on.

She instantly protests, going for the lamp. “What are you doing? Please, don’t!”

That’s it. Flying off the bed, I hit the light switch, instantly covering the entire room in brightness. She doesn’t get to hide from this. I want to see everything.

“Don’t what, Lil? I swear, I don’t get what you’re saying.”

Instantly, she’s embarrassed, flustered, and upset. She’s hiding from me and I’m sick of it.

“Stop hiding, Lil. I know this is hard for you, but it’s time to get real.”

Getting back in the bed, I hold her by her shoulders and force her to face me. She’s breathtaking; turning on the lights was a mistake. Now, I’m focused on the long curls falling over her shoulders and grazing her collarbone, the hollow of her throat and her beautiful breasts. Perfect, round, her supple nipples—