Breaking Elle (20 page)

I lay in bed all weekend, blinds closed, staring at the ceiling, listening to the silence as life goes on. Nothing can ever prepare you for the shock of the empty feeling when you’ve been wronged. I replay everything over and over again. I don’t know how he could do this to me a second time. What was missing with us that he needed to go back to his ex? I never asked him why he did it the first time. Maybe because I just wanted someone and wanted to move past his mistake. I don’t want to remember. I just want to numb myself from the pain and forget everything I saw.

An incoming call has my phone jumping off the dresser; I know that it’s
him
wanting to apologize for what I caught him doing again. What excuse is he going to try to use on me? He said he wanted make it up to me. I trusted him, and he destroyed me once more. I forgave him once, but I can’t do it again. All of this reminds me of my mom and her mistakes. Have I fallen into the same pattern, ignoring my own feelings, putting someone else’s needs and feelings first? I turn my back to the door and hug my pillow when a faint tapping reminds me that I’m not dreaming; instead, this is my reality.

“Elle?” I don’t reply. I only bury my face deeper into the pillow. The bed shifts from Tyler’s weight. “Hey, come on.” He says, softly squeezing my arm. I roll over to face him, tired from crying, and know that curling up into a ball isn’t going to solve anything. I catch the look in his eyes, the same one I saw when Cane cheated on me the first time. Anger and sympathy, but mainly anger. Having him here is what I need. I rise and throw my hands around his neck, burying my face in his chest.

“Say it,” I whisper, holding back a sob as he squeezes me closer.

“Say what, Elle?” He pulls me away, and I look into his eyes. I see the anger is gone and all that remains is compassion and love.

“
Told you so.” I lower my eyes, twisting my hair anxiously.

“I would never say that.” He sighs, raking his hand through his hair.

“What do I do now?”

“I can’t answer that for you, Elle,” He pauses and looks down at his hands. “You know how I felt when it happened the first time. It kills me that he hurt you this way.” He lifts his eyes. “He’s downstairs.” I look up in surprise, not ready to face him again, but missing him at the same time. “Do you know how badly I want to hurt him for hurting you again?” he says through clenched teeth.

“No, Tyler. I still love him; I don’t want him to hurt.” I whisper, clutching the comforter on my bed.

“I know you do. I don’t get it, but I know it,” He says, looking out the window. “I...” He cringes and looks back at me, clenching his fists. “I just want to see my best friend happy. If I start acting all fatherly or something, rip me a new one, tell me to just chill out. But, it’s so damn hard sometimes. I just need to protect you.”

I watch his handsome face crease as he takes my hands in both of his. As I listen to his every word, a knot grows in my throat that keeps me from speaking, unable to find the words. I hate what Cane did, but I still love him.
How I am supposed to explain that when I don’t understand it myself?

“You know it felt good to punch him the other night. I saw the look on your face after I did it. I know it hurt you, but I have my limits. You shouldn’t go through that ever.” He says, searching my face, waiting for me to say something.

“What?” I look up, wanting him to stay and hold me so I can feel him, talk to me so I can hear him.

“You’re beautiful. I want to see
you
happy. None of this shit anymore.” He says just above a whisper.

“Honey?” We both turn to my mom standing in the doorway, making me feel like a little girl all over again. I’m afraid of how things are going to turn out, not sure what to do. Tyler’s here just as he’s always been, for all my lowest points—a definite pattern.

“I have to go,” he says. He leans over and kisses my forehead. “I’ll be back. Whenever you need me, you know that.” He rises to leave. My bed feels empty, I feel empty.

“Okay.” I sigh, grabbing my pillow, and shoving it in my lap, desperately needing something to hold. “Thank you.” He shakes his head and smiles.

“You don’t need to thank me for something I want to do,” he whispers softly, pushing a strand of hair away from my face before he turns to leave. “You know that.”

I don’t want him to go, but it’s not my right to stop him.

“Hi, Tyler.” My mom smiles as he walks past her.

“Hi, Ms. Bennett.” He pauses outside the door. “Call me if you need me.” He lowers his eyes and turns to leave. I listen to his footsteps as he descends the stairs and slams the front door. The ache in my heart grows now that I know he’s gone.

“Cane has been downstairs waiting on the porch to talk to you,” My mother says, turning to me.

“Tyler told me,” I say, unable to control my thoughts. “I don’t know what to say anymore. Just a few days ago, he talked about never hurting us again. Is this what he meant? Because I’m hurting,” I say, holding back the torrent of tears I’ve been trying to keep at bay. “It hurts to let him go, but it hurts more that I can’t trust him, that he didn’t think enough of us to keep him from cheating.” I glance at her, hoping she realizes that what I’m saying is for the both of us, that we deserve more than this. Better than this.

“Honey... I–”

Looking away from her, I shout, “I don’t want to end up like you!” I say the words without thinking; they come out in a rush. The words hang in the silence, suffocating. I regret my comment immediately. I hazard a glance to apologize, but she hides her face from me. “Mom, I didn’t mean it.”

“Elle, it’s okay. I haven’t been successful at my own relationships.” She slowly turns to me. Her voice waivers for a moment, as if it’s finally hit her too.

“I thought Cane was
the one
even after the first time. I thought we were strong.” I whisper, twisting my hair. I’ve put everything into my relationship with him. I feel all of it has been wasted.” I haven’t talked to my mom lately about my relationship since I thought everything was going so well, even with the feelings that I experienced for Reed and the way he affected me. With her wrapped up in her own drama, I don’t want to burden her with mine.

“I know that feeling.” She sits on the edge of the bed. “There are going to be moments like this. This may be your first but not your last. This may be an opportunity for you to break away and find out what it all means. To find out what’ll make you happy. Talk to Cane. It’s going to painful for you both, but maybe something good will come from this, something better. We all deserve that,” she whispers. Her eyes have a distant look as if she’s not just speaking for just of my relationship with Cane, but her own as well.

“Mom, I’m scared. I love Cane.”

“I know, honey.” She rests her hand on my shoulder. “Don’t rush into anything you’re unsure of, but don’t run away when you feel something. Don’t be afraid to try if something feels right or makes you happy.”

She speaks from experience because she has endured the same pain. “Tell him I’ll be down in a minute,” I say in a voice barely above whisper. I’m so drained from crying and still unsure of what I’m going to say to him, but I need to move past this.

She rises, glancing over her shoulder as she heads to the door. “Elle, don’t let this break you; let it make you stronger.” She disappears leaving me in the shadows with the last of daylight streaming through my closed blinds. I’m going to break out of this emotional prison tonight, but it won’t be easy.

My heart aches as I look at him wringing his hands in his lap, looking vulnerable and regretful.
Why did he do it?
He notices the look in my eye when I step outside. I want to run up to him, wrap my arms around his neck, and kiss him, but I know that isn’t what needs to happen. Hugs and kisses won’t make what he did go away. He walks to me, but I retreat, wrapping my arms across my chest as I watch the pain shoot across his gorgeous face. My mouth is tight, trying to hold back the tears that want to fight their way out.

“Babe, I’m sorry,” he whispers studying his hands.

“Why did you do it? Why?” I ask softly. “I love you. I thought you loved me.”

“I do.” He pleads with hesitation because he knows his actions speak otherwise. “I always will.”

“Then how could you do it
again
with her? What is it about her? Two years together yet you seem to always find your way back to her.” I look into the eyes of a broken person, one who I shared so many memories with, who I wanted to share more with.

He can’t answer me; he drops his head to his chest and rakes his hand through his hair. Then he reaches for my hand. I don’t pull away from his touch because I need it right
now even after what he did. I know I can never hate him, but I know that we can’t stay together. I’m not sure which pain is worse, losing him, or staying with him while knowing that I’ll never be able to rebuild the trust that took so long to repair the first time he betrayed me.

“I don’t have an answer. I hate that I hurt you again. I don’t want her. I want you.” He looks down at our entwined hands. “I’m losing you this time, aren’t I?” he asks softly lifting his eyes to mine.

“I’m not sure if I’m giving you what you want since you always seem to end up with her.” I whisper, my heart tightening as I think about what I’m losing, what I’m giving up. I hate being in this position a second time.

“You did; you’ve always given me everything. I’m just an idiot that screwed up,” he says. He swallows hard, rubbing the back of his neck.

“Maybe you don’t know what you want. Maybe it’s not me and maybe it’s not her.” I pause. “You know I can’t do this again with you. I can’t Cane.” My voice cracks. This time I can’t hold back the tears that burn behind my eyes. My body shakes as I let them go. I feel his arms around me, his familiar touch, his breath in my hair. I feel his chest heave against my body as he sobs softly. I pull him closer, tighter because I don’t know if I’ll ever feel him like this again.

“I’m so sorry, Elle,” he whispers as he pulls me from him to wipe the tears from my face with his thumbs. He cups my cheeks in his hands and leans down to me; his breath kisses my cheek as his lips linger over mine. The pain of knowing that the person who I love is the one causing this heartache replaces all of my anger from the other night. I can’t go back. I turn my head and press my cheek against his chest, feeling the warmth of his embrace probably for the last time. That thought alone makes me cry even more.

The balmy evening air on my skin, the rhythmic pounding of my feet on the pavement is what I need to separate me from the past few days. It was so tough to break it off with Cane. I don’t want to experience this pain ever again. I don’t want to cry, but I do. The tears appear, sliding down my face, blurring the world around me as I sprint past people with no faces.
Am I being tested?
I always thought I knew what I wanted, what I needed, only to find out that it was a mistake.
Will I ever trust again?

I watch the sun torch the horizon sending purple and pink waves of color across the sky. I realize that I’ve run past the track and have ended up at Linden Park. I open the gate feeling as if I’m trespassing on Reed’s hallowed ground, and remembering how peaceful it was when I first visited here with him. I feel it sweep over me again, unable to escape the memory of him.