Breaking Love (Full Hearts Book 2) (25 page)

She finally lifted Elliott out of the tub and pulled the stopper as she bundled him into a fluffy towel on her lap and rocked him back and forth slowly. He must be starving, she thought. Elliott’s little hand touched her cheek and he smiled now. “Mom, mom, mom,” he cooed.

“Come on, little man, let’s get your jammies on and give you a nice bottle. Would you like a bedtime snack?” She whisked him back into his room, where she slathered his bottom with diaper cream in an attempt to combat the violent rash it bore.

Taking him to her bedroom, she quickly slipped her dress off, tossing it onto the floor and pulling on a bathrobe so she wouldn’t transfer everything back to her son now that he was clean. She carried him down to the kitchen, looking for her husband. She saw no sign of him. Where could he be? Hurrying down the stairs to the basement, she finally found Ian passed out in a prone position on the couch in the basement rec room. At first her pulse raced, thinking he might be dead. As she reached him, she could see a line of drool hanging from his mouth, about to land on the floor. One arm hung off the couch, his fingers still touching a half-finished bottle of beer. Five other empties were scattered around the coffee table.

Her relief in finding him alive was fleeting, quickly being replaced by fury as she saw that the baby monitor was turned on and facing the couch. The volume was turned up, meaning he would have heard even the tiniest sound Elliott had made that evening. None of it had registered with him. Drawing a deep breath, she turned with Elliott in her arms, taking him back to the kitchen to feed him. She would deal with Ian later. An hour later, she gently placed her little boy, now with a full belly, into his crib, having changed the sheets when she had brought him back upstairs. His little hand clutched her robe tightly and he whined in protest, burying his face in her chest when he saw that they were back in his room.

“It’s okay, baby. Mommy’s not going anywhere. I’ll stay right here with you.”

She lulled him to sleep in the rocking recliner in his nursery, singing softly and tracing small circles on his temples with her fingertip. As she pressed her lips to his forehead, she could smell that wonderful, clean aroma of lavender baby shampoo. His grip finally loosened when he dropped into a deep sleep, allowing her to put him in his crib and cover him with a light blanket.

Megan sighed as she gingerly picked up the soiled sheets and tippy-toed out of his room, leaving the door open partway. Her heart pounded now with anger as she crossed the house, carrying the disgusting sheets. She tossed them into the washing machine, then washed her hands before going back to downstairs to face her husband.

He had been taking too many painkillers lately for his shoulder injury, enough that she had started to worry about it. Up to that evening, however, she had trusted him completely, believing he would never do anything to put their son in harm’s way. Her pace quickened as she made her way down the stairs. Staring at her husband, her blood boiled with a rage she had never felt before. He had gotten drunk, mixing his pain meds with booze, leaving their baby crying, confused, traumatized and effectively abandoned.

Bending over him she poked him hard on the arm, yelling, “Are you awake? Wake up!”

His response was a low grunt. He slurred “Later” at her and continued to sleep.

In her first and last act of violence, Megan raised her right arm above her head so forcefully that her feet were lifted into the air, then drove her fist into Ian’s back with a viciousness that shocked her. Her fist landed with a loud thump against his flesh, causing the slightest movement from his hand, waving her away.

“You fucking asshole!” she screamed in his ear as loudly as she could before she made her way up the stairs, sobbing furiously.

She spent the night in the Elliott’s room, with a kitchen chair tilted under the doorknob to keep Ian out if he happened to wake up. She had put it there not out of fear, but out of concern for what she might do to him if he tried to talk to her now. She sat reclined in the armchair, watching her son sleep, getting up to pat his back gently when he stirred.

There was no sleep for Megan that night. Not even the briefest moment of rest came to her. She hadn’t realized the extent of the problem Ian had been hiding from her. He should have been off the painkillers three months ago but had still been getting them from his doctor. Megan knew she couldn’t risk Elliott’s safety by staying with Ian. When he woke the next day, she would tell him what he had done. She would tell him that unless he got help immediately, she would take Elliott and leave. The fear of losing them would be enough for him to turn things around. She knew it would.

But then doubt crept over her as she watched Elliott sleep. What if Ian didn’t get clean? She had to be prepared to leave. She had to mean it when she said it the next day, and she would have to follow through no matter how much it tore her or Ian apart. She couldn’t let Elliott live with a drug addict.

As she sat watching her little boy sleep, she vowed to him that she would never again allow him to be hurt by his father, or any other man, for that matter. She would remain vigilant and keep him safe, no matter what it took.

Megan straightened up in her seat, starting her car again and pressing the gas pedal. Propelling herself forward, she knew she had to do whatever was necessary to protect herself and Elliott. She would find the strength to send Luc away. Elliott and her mom needed her now. She wouldn’t let them down for her own selfish desires. She wouldn’t allow herself to become further lost in Luc. She had proven that she couldn’t control herself around him and that she was incapable of having a casual relationship with him, which was all he could offer her. If she let him stay, she would only be allowing another man to abandon her son.

Megan took a deep breath before opening the door that led from the garage to the house, preparing herself for what she was about to do. When she entered the kitchen, Luc, who was sitting at the table, looked up from his computer with a wary expression. They stared at each other for a moment, both reluctant to say anything just yet, knowing this was the end. If they didn’t start talking, they might be able to fool themselves for another moment that things were going to be okay.

Luc watched as Megan slowly took her boots off and hung up her coat. She stepped silently over to the counter and poured herself another coffee.

“So, I guess we should talk about what’s happening here,” Luc said quietly.

Megan leaned against the counter, not wanting to come any closer to Luc. It would make it too hard to push him away. “I guess we have to. This fantasy seems to have crossed over into my real life now in a way that neither of us wanted it to.”

“Yes. I would say we’re at a fork in the road now. One direction takes us into the unknown and the other takes us both back to our old lives.” Luc stood and crossed the room to her. He leaned against the island so he was facing her with no barrier between them. “Why don’t we start by trying to imagine what would happen if we go into the unknown together?”

“We’ll get hurt. All three of us will get badly hurt,” Megan replied with a tight-lipped expression.

Luc folded his arms across his chest. “Maybe. Maybe not. What if there was a way to make this work?”

“I don’t think there is a way, Luc. It’s gone too far. Elliott has clearly decided that he wants you as a permanent fixture in his life, which just isn’t going to happen. You’re not going to give up everything that makes you who you are to come and live here. You wouldn’t be happy. We’re not going to move to France either. I can’t take Elliott away from his entire life like that, away from my mom. My business is just starting to take off. I can’t start over after all the time I’ve put in.”

Megan stared at Luc, wanting him to disagree, wanting him to wrap her up in his strong arms and tell her everything would be okay and that he would love her forever. If he reached for her now, she would give in and she knew it. She would risk it all to feel the love they had shared in the past days. But she knew he wouldn’t. He wasn’t built that way.

“I suppose you’re right,” Luc agreed reluctantly. “There isn’t a logical or easy solution here.”

“And the risks are just too high, Luc.” Megan put her coffee cup down and ran her fingers through her hair with both hands, getting it out of her face.

“If this were a business proposal, I would agree that the risks are too high and the chance of a favourable outcome is too low. I have never wanted a family. I don’t think I’m meant for that, no matter how much I might want it at this moment. I’m so sorry I can’t offer you both more,” Luc replied.

Megan nodded, staring at her socks. She had been right. He didn’t want this. “You’ve been honest all along, Luc. There is no one to blame here. If my mom hadn’t gotten sick and we could have kept things the way they were, we could have stretched out this whole arrangement for a little while longer, but the reality is that it was always going to end this way.”

Luc kept his eyes on her, looking for any sign, however small, that she might be open to allowing this to work. If she would give him even the tiniest hint she wanted him to stay, he would happily drop everything to see this through. He had never felt such a strong pull toward anything in his life, and a part of him felt as though this was exactly where he was meant to be. Here, in this little house in Boulder with Megan and Elliott, starting a life together. But he knew that his desire for this life would soon fade, just as his enthusiasm for everything else had always faded. And when it did, he would become bored and restless and start looking for ways to get out. His rejection of Megan and Elliott would just add to the lifetime of heartbreak they had already suffered, and that would make Luc no better than his own father.

“I should go back to the hotel to get my things. We both have to get on with our lives, and the longer I stay, the harder this will be.” Luc’s voice was thick with emotion as he spoke. He wanted nothing more than to wrap his arms around Megan and carry her up to her bed. Instead he turned and walked to the table to pack up his computer.

“Do you mind taking a cab? I don’t want to drag this out.”

“Of course.”

Megan quietly walked up to her bedroom and shut the door. She needed a minute to get herself together before the cab came to take him away. Tears streamed down her cheeks as she leaned against the door for support. She let them fall for a few minutes before hurrying to the bathroom to splash cold water on her face. She couldn’t let him see her cry, and with the years of practice she’d had hiding her tears from her son, she knew she could do a pretty convincing impression of someone who was going to be fine. Drying her face with a hand towel, she took a few deep breaths before walking out of her room and back down the stairs.

She found Luc standing at the front door, coat and shoes on, watching out the window for the cab. He turned when he heard her descending the staircase and took in the sight of her one last time. Megan managed a tight-lipped smile and a confident head nod in his direction, as if to assure him she would be fine. It nearly broke Luc’s heart to see her so tough after how vulnerable she had been the night before. It was an act and he knew it.

She crossed the room and stood near him. “You’ve got everything?”

Luc watched her for a moment, sensing her closing off from him. “Yes, thank you,” he replied with an awkward formality.

“Good.”

“Megan, are you—” Luc started.

“Don’t,” she interrupted, shaking her head. “Don’t ask me that. We’re making the smartest decision. It’s the only one that makes sense. We’re going to have to leave it at that.”

Outside, the cab pulled up and honked once, causing both of them to look outside for a moment.

Luc reached out his hand and held hers, then pulled her to him. He wrapped his arms around her tightly and gave her a kiss on her temple. Megan let herself melt into him one last time, breathing in the scent of him and feeling the warmth of his strong body against hers. She kept her face down, buried in his chest. Luc pulled back a little and lifted her chin with one hand, kissing her tenderly on the lips. He lingered there, allowing them both to have one final taste.

“Goodbye,
mon ange
,” he whispered.

“Goodbye, Luc,” she replied, her voice breaking ever so slightly.

With that, he was gone.

Megan stood in the window, watching the cab take him down the street and out of her life forever. She felt broken in a way she hadn’t felt before. Sobs escaped her, shaking her entire body, as she collapsed onto the couch. She was completely, madly in love with Luc, and now he was gone. She would have to pick up the pieces and move on, like she had done before.

After a few minutes, she made her way into the kitchen to find some chocolate. A note on the table caught her eye. It was for Elliott. There was a surprisingly good cartoon drawing of a boy who looked like Elliott next to a snowman in a beret. It read:

Elliott,

Remember that you will always have a friend in an old guy with a funny accent. Thank you for the soldier. Always know you are important and are meant for great things.

Luc

Megan wept at the note. Luc was capable of so much more than he would allow himself to be, and it killed her. If the circumstances had been even a little bit different, they would have found true happiness with each other. Regret and pain settled over her like a horrible storm cloud.

Megan’s thoughts were interrupted by the phone. It was her brother, Mark. She wiped her tears and cleared her throat before she answered.

“Just calling to see how Mom’s doing.”

“She’s a lot better. I just dropped her off at her house for a couple of hours. She wanted to do some paperwork.”

“You sure you don’t want me to come get her? Lenna’s home and we’d both be there to look after her until she’s feeling better.”

Megan took this as a subtle dig from her older, more put-together brother. “What is that supposed to mean? Just because I don’t have a man, it doesn’t make me incapable of taking care of our mom.”

“No, of course that’s not what I was thinking. What crawled up your butt? I’m just trying to help here. You’ve been handling everything so far, and I thought you could use a break, that’s all,” Mark retorted.

“Sorry, I just . . . had a rough night. I shouldn’t take it out on you. Listen, we’ll be fine, I’m sure.”

“Okay. Well, at least send me the hospital bill. I can probably cover most of it for her and then see if I can set up a payment plan or something.”

“Um, it’s been taken care of, actually.”

“What?”

“Long story. I have a friend with lots of cash and not enough ways to spend it.”

“What? Who? We can pay our own bills.”

“It’s complicated and it’s really nothing to worry about, okay?

“You sure? That doesn’t feel right to me.”

“I’m sure. We’ll just have to leave it the way it is.”

“I just wish I lived closer so I could do more.”

“I know you do. And listen, I’m sorry about before. I know you were just trying to help.”

“That’s okay. Megs, you sure you’re alright?”

“I’m fine. Really. I better go get Mom. I don’t want to leave her alone too long.” Megan dug her fingernails into her palm to keep her voice steady. She couldn’t talk about this with her brother, or anyone else, for that matter. Harper had been right all along. She knew Megan wouldn’t be able to handle having a no-strings-attached relationship, but Megan had fooled herself into thinking she could. Now on top of her heartache, she felt like a complete idiot.

* * *

Luc slouched in a chair in the airport lounge, waiting for his connecting flight to New York. A large plastic bag sat on the chair next to him, holding his now-crumpled tuxedo and the purchases he had made with Elliott. In the past week he had lived a different life, had fallen in love and had it yanked away from him before he could even get used to it.

He needed to put as much distance between himself and Megan as he could. A horrible empty feeling had settled over him and his stomach churned. He realized he hadn’t felt this type of grief since his mom had died. He was not built for this type of emotion. He was a man in control of himself and his world, only not this time. Somehow Megan had stripped him of his self-control and made him question everything he thought he knew with just her smile, the touch of her hand, her laugh, her kiss. He had never known such fierce and complete love before, and he knew without a doubt that this was the real thing. She made him happy and filled him up in ways he hadn’t known were possible. She had stilled his restlessness where no one and nothing else ever had before. He needed her, and Luc Chevalier hadn’t
needed
anything in his entire adult life.

He took the little green soldier out of his pocket and stared at it for a moment, thinking of Elliott. Elliott needed him to stay away. Luc would prove only another bitter disappointment. He shoved the toy back into his jacket pocket as the first boarding announcement was made. No matter how much he ached for Megan, he would never be what she and Elliot needed.

* * *

That night, Luc boarded the red-eye to Paris, feeling utterly drained of energy. Despite having had a couple of glasses of Scotch at the airport, he ordered one more on the plane. He nodded off, hoping that when he woke he would be home and that being home would make him feel more like himself again. He knew he was making the best choice for Megan and Elliott, no matter how much it hurt at the moment. He would get over it. He was a man who had never expected a forever anyway.

He dreamed of Megan. In his dream they were on the couch, making love. He could feel his hand under her bra, the lacy fabric pressing against the back of his hand as he caressed her breast. He could feel himself pushing further inside her as she arched her back. He woke with a start, sitting straight up. “Oh shit!” he exclaimed under his breath. The well-dressed elderly woman beside him glared in his direction. He adjusted himself, grateful he had a magazine on his lap at the moment.

“Sorry. It was a bad dream. I apologize if I have offended you.”

Luc waited a minute before getting up to make his way to the bathroom to splash some cold water on his face. Had he really had unprotected sex with Megan last night? Or was it just a very vivid dream? He couldn’t be sure unless he asked her, but how could he do that after leaving so suddenly? He had been so exhausted the night before, it was almost like being intoxicated. Maybe it
was
just a dream. It had to be. Megan would have woken up and stopped him. Wouldn’t she?

“Oh fuck,” he said to his reflection. “What have I done?”