Bream Gives Me Hiccups (16 page)

VI.

SPORTS

MARV ALBERT IS MY THERAPIST

ME:
Hi, Dr. Albert.

MARV ALBERT:
A play-off atmosphere in here tonight!

ME:
Well, it's been a tough week. My mother came to visit me.

MARV ALBERT:
From downtown!

ME:
And, of course, she immediately asked if I was still sleeping with Sarah.

MARV ALBERT:
Out of bounds!

ME:
Exactly. It's not her business.

MARV ALBERT:
Unbelievable!

ME:
And Sarah won't even return my calls.

MARV ALBERT:
Rejected!

ME:
I called her like twelve times last night.

MARV ALBERT:
A dozen! Unanswered!

ME:
I don't know why I'm surprised. We haven't been intimate in months.

MARV ALBERT:
Stuck outside the perimeter.

ME:
Yeah.

MARV ALBERT:
Unable to penetrate!

ME:
I guess.

MARV ALBERT:
Just can't find the hole!

ME:
That's a little crass, but yeah. Anyway, I actually met this other girl, Becky.

MARV ALBERT:
A clutch rebound!

ME:
She's a waitress.

MARV ALBERT:
Another easy opportunity!

ME:
She's just coming out of a messy divorce.

MARV ALBERT:
A layup!

ME:
And she said she hasn't been on a date in years.

MARV ALBERT:
Uncontested!

ME:
Everything seemed to be going pretty well. I took her back to my apartment.

MARV ALBERT:
Off to a great start—

ME:
We were on the bed—

MARV ALBERT:
Great hands!

ME:
Thanks, Dr. Albert, but she suddenly got like freaked out and made some weird excuse—

MARV ALBERT:
An explosion of emotions!

ME:
Yeah!

MARV ALBERT:
Pandemonium!

ME:
Right. For no reason.

MARV ALBERT:
No choice but to foul!

ME:
What?

MARV ALBERT:
You've got to foul!

ME:
What are you suggesting?

MARV ALBERT:
With the game on the line, you have to foul!

ME:
I would never hurt her.

MARV ALBERT:
Then that's the ball game.

ME:
Yeah, she threw on her jacket and ran out.

MARV ALBERT:
Traveling!

ME:
So I called after her!

MARV ALBERT:
Called for traveling!

ME:
But she left me there, stunned—

MARV ALBERT:
Unable to recover!

ME:
So I tried to run after her.

MARV ALBERT:
Trying to stop a breakaway!

ME:
But she slammed the door in my face.

MARV ALBERT:
Stuffed!

ME:
So I'm standing there alone in my apartment—

MARV ALBERT:
Just letting the clock expire!

ME:
And then, of course, I started feeling terrible about Sarah again.

MARV ALBERT:
Back-to-back losses at home.

ME:
Do you think I'll ever get over her?

MARV ALBERT:
And now a quick word from our sponsor.

ME:
What?

MARV ALBERT:
Visit your local Ford dealer to check out the new Ford SUV, the Ford Flex.

ME:
I can't afford a car right now.

MARV ALBERT:
It's the best in its class.

ME:
I was never the best in my class.

MARV ALBERT:
Have you driven a Ford lately?

ME:
I can't drive.

MARV ALBERT:
And we're back!

ME:
I've been sitting here the whole time.

MARV ALBERT:
Refusing to go away!

ME:
Well, I've paid for the whole hour.

MARV ALBERT:
We're going to overtime!

ME:
We are?

MARV ALBERT:
Yes!

ME:
Will I be charged?

MARV ALBERT:
Yes!

ME:
How much?

MARV ALBERT:
Double.

ME:
Double?

MARV ALBERT:
Triple.

ME:
Triple?

MARV ALBERT:
Triple-double!

ME:
Did my insurance say they would cover it?

MARV ALBERT:
Rejected!

ME:
I figured.

MARV ALBERT:
Time for one more!

ME:
Dr. Albert, I feel like I have nothing left to live for.

MARV ALBERT:
Things are not looking good!

ME:
Sometimes I feel like I should just throw myself out the window.

MARV ALBERT:
A jumper from the top of the key!

ME:
I feel like it's the only solution.

MARV ALBERT:
A quick fadeaway!

ME:
Exactly!

MARV ALBERT:
A dagger!

ME:
A dagger?

MARV ALBERT:
Straight down the middle!

ME:
Seems a little bloody—

MARV ALBERT:
A bullet!

ME:
A bullet?

MARV ALBERT:
A high-percentage shot!

ME:
That is tempting.

MARV ALBERT:
One shot could end this whole thing!

ME:
It would be so simple.

MARV ALBERT:
A solid execution!

ME:
Okay, I'll do it.

MARV ALBERT:
Not in my house!

ME:
No one would even miss me.

MARV ALBERT:
An easy loss to get over!

ME:
The world would be better off without me, right, Dr. Albert?

MARV ALBERT:
Yes! And it counts!

CARMELO ANTHONY AND I DEBRIEF OUR FRIENDS AFTER A PICKUP GAME AT THE YMCA

ME:
Hey, guys! Sorry I'm late.

CARMELO ANTHONY:
Hey, guys. Sorry I'm late.

ME:
The most amazing thing just happened!

CARMELO ANTHONY:
The most annoying thing just happened.

ME:
I was at the YMCA, just shooting around . . .

CARMELO ANTHONY:
I got stuck at the Y again.

ME:
. . . and guess who's shooting
right
next to me?

CARMELO ANTHONY:
Some skinny white dude was lobbing air balls right next to me.

ME:
Carmelo Anthony! Melo Yellow himself! I couldn't believe it. I've always been a die-hard fan.

CARMELO ANTHONY:
Probably one of these guys who comes to two games a year and calls himself a die-hard fan.

ME:
I even went to those two games this year. So I just played it cool, kept to myself, did my thing.

CARMELO ANTHONY:
He kept shooting these ridiculous half-court shots to get my attention.

ME:
And I glanced over at him.

CARMELO ANTHONY:
He was staring at me the whole time.

ME:
And it seemed like he wanted some company.

CARMELO ANTHONY:
I just wanted to be left alone.

ME:
So I walked up to him and was like, “Hey, Melo, how 'bout a little one-on-one.”

CARMELO ANTHONY:
He was like (
affecting a loser's voice
), “Uh . . . Mr. Anthony, I'm such a huge fan.”

ME:
And Melo was like, “You think you can take me?”

CARMELO ANTHONY:
And I was like, “I guess we can shoot around for a minute.”

ME:
So I said, “It's on.” Can you believe I said that? “It's on.”

CARMELO ANTHONY:
He said (
affecting a girlish falsetto
), “Thank you so much, Mr. Anthony! It's such an honor! My friends are never gonna believe me.”

ME:
So I suggested we play shirts and skins.

CARMELO ANTHONY:
I guess he thought we were actually playing a real game.

ME:
You know, just in case more guys jumped in.

CARMELO ANTHONY:
And before I could tell him that there's no way I was playing skins.

ME:
I took my shirt off.

CARMELO ANTHONY:
I almost threw up.

ME:
And I've really filled out the last few months. I've been doing tons of crunches.

CARMELO ANTHONY:
He looked like one of those kids in a Sally Struthers commercial.

ME:
I'm kind of ripped. I actually think he was a little shocked.

CARMELO ANTHONY:
It was actually kind of shocking the way you could see every single one of his ribs.

ME:
So I took the ball out.

CARMELO ANTHONY:
I let him start with the ball.

ME:
And I tried to drive by him.

CARMELO ANTHONY:
I think he was trying to dribble past me.

ME:
But he was quick.

CARMELO ANTHONY:
I literally did not move my feet.

ME:
And he blocked me!

CARMELO ANTHONY:
I barely raised my hand and he kind of just ran into it.

ME:
And Melo was like, “Not in my house!”

CARMELO ANTHONY:
And I think I apologized to him. Like just instinctively. Like when you step on a cat's tail and you're like, “Oh! Sorry, cat!”

ME:
But we were both totally in the zone.

CARMELO ANTHONY:
While he was prancing around, I finally finished reading that
Economist
article you emailed me.

ME:
It was like we were the only two people on the planet.

CARMELO ANTHONY:
It's really terrible how they're exploiting those Nicaraguan coffee farmers.

ME:
I don't think he's really been tested in a while.

CARMELO ANTHONY:
So I decided to give him the ball. Just to get it over with.

ME:
But I robbed him in the paint and did one of my moves.

CARMELO ANTHONY:
He kept trying to dribble the ball between his legs.

ME:
I did my Harden Eurostep, my Rondo No-Look, my J-Craw Step Back.

CARMELO ANTHONY:
But it just bounced off his knee, out of bounds. It was so embarrassing.

ME:
It was so
empowering
! I hadn't played like that since high school.

CARMELO ANTHONY:
He's clearly never played against another actual human person. And the worst part was . . .

ME:
Oh! I forgot about the best part!

CARMELO ANTHONY:
. . . there was this woman teaching a yoga class nearby and the ball kept flying over to her.

ME:
There was this yoga chick near us and she was like
eyeing
me the whole time.

CARMELO ANTHONY:
I could tell she wanted to kill this guy every time she brought the ball back to us.

ME:
She was totally into me, like bringing the ball back for me . . .

CARMELO ANTHONY:
And then he actually started trash-talking. Have you ever heard a skinny white dude try to talk trash?

ME:
We were both getting a little dirty in the mouth.

CARMELO ANTHONY:
It was like watching a Chihuahua bark at a hydrant.

ME:
I was like, “I'm gonna beat you like a redheaded stepchild!”

CARMELO ANTHONY:
He said something horrifying about child abuse.

ME:
And he was clearly intimidated.

CARMELO ANTHONY:
I was actually kind of scared. He seemed crazed.

ME:
So then I said, “Hope you brought toast, Melo, 'cause I'm about to spread my
jam
all over you!”

CARMELO ANTHONY:
Then he said something kind of gross, so I just kept my mouth shut.

ME:
He was speechless!

CARMELO ANTHONY:
And people were starting to notice us so I said, “Next point wins.”

ME:
I think I must have wore him down 'cause he was like, “Sorry, brother, I only got one more left.”

CARMELO ANTHONY:
So I gave him the ball.

ME:
So I grabbed the rock.

CARMELO ANTHONY:
And he started dribbling it the wrong way.

ME:
I went to my sweet spot.

CARMELO ANTHONY:
Then he turned around and heaved it from half-court.

ME:
And I launched a bullet from the fifty!

CARMELO ANTHONY:
But the ball was heading nowhere near the basket.

ME:
It was heading right toward that sweet nylon hole.

CARMELO ANTHONY:
And I could tell that it was gonna slam off the backboard and right into yoga girl again.

ME:
And I could tell that yoga girl was watching.

CARMELO ANTHONY:
So I did the only thing any sane person would do.

ME:
And then Melo did the stupidest thing.

CARMELO ANTHONY:
I jumped up and grabbed the ball.

ME:
He goal-tended my shot!

CARMELO ANTHONY:
And I softly tipped the ball in, winning the game and, frankly, saving that girl's life.

ME:
And then he acted like
he
won the game!

CARMELO ANTHONY:
But the guy was acting like
he
won the game!

ME:
But I didn't want to call him out. I mean, it was just a friendly game.

CARMELO ANTHONY:
You know, it was always kind of annoying to work out at the Y, but this was more than I could take.

ME:
I think this might be the beginning of a pretty heated rivalry.

CARMELO ANTHONY:
I just hope I never see him again.

ME:
It'll probably become a regular thing for us.

CARMELO ANTHONY:
I canceled my membership on the way out.

ME:
This is why New York City is the greatest city in the world.

CARMELO ANTHONY:
This is why I gotta leave New York.

ME:
You run into the coolest people.

CARMELO ANTHONY:
You're accosted by the weirdest people.

ME:
But what I realized is . . .

CARMELO ANTHONY:
Anybody can be delusional and dangerous.

ME:
. . . everyone is just as normal as I am.