Bream Gives Me Hiccups (6 page)

SEPARATION ANXIETY SLEEPAWAY CAMP

8 A.M
. Campers begin the day with an early call to Mom. Those campers who have wet the bed will have an opportunity to change clothes or, if they prefer, to remain in their soiled pajamas as the warm stench of their own urine may be more comforting and remind them of home.

9 A.M
. Breakfast is served in the main dining hall, though most campers will choose not to eat breakfast, as it is hard to eat first thing in the morning because the day hasn't started and this thought is mortifying. Those campers who boldly choose to eat will be given pancakes in the shape of their names, which will remind them of home and likely cause indigestion.

10:30 A.M
. Swim time. Campers will swim for seven minutes in a shallow wading pool, with two lifeguards per camper. Campers will wear pre-inflated floaties on their arms and legs and around their necks. After swim, campers will have an opportunity to call their mom to let her know that they have not drowned.

If the camper has drowned, Mothers will be notified by the Counselors in Training, or CITs. The Counselors in Training will then have an opportunity call their own Mothers.

NOON.
Lunchtime. Campers dig into one of Mom's prepack-aged lunches. Campers are encouraged not to read enclosed notes until after food is digested, which will be difficult as the thought of the unread note will be unsettling.

Following lunch, campers are given a free reading period, in which they may read their notes from Mom. If a camper has not received a note from Mom, one of the Counselors in Training, or “CITs,” will forge a note and pretend it was lost in the refrigerator that housed the campers' lunches. Attempts to match Mom's handwriting will be sincerely made, although complete accuracy cannot be guaranteed.

2–3 P.M
. Campers will be given a “free period” where they will have one hour to explore the campgrounds, kayak on nearby Lake Winooski, build a campfire, or write a postcard to their Mom. Calls to Mom are also possible during this time.

4 P.M
. We follow free period with an afternoon call to Mom. At this point, campers may also ask to speak to their father, but
this is strictly optional. Most likely, Dad will not have time for the camper or, if he does have time, will likely talk about himself and how stressful work is or how well the camper's sister is doing in her sports camp. If Dad is spoken to during this period, campers will be allotted twenty additional minutes to debrief with Mom. Tissues provided.

5:30 P.M.
Campers may choose from a variety of electives including Show-and-Tell, where campers can present a relic from their home to their fellow campers, who will likely not be able to focus on something from someone else's life as this requires a level of interest in others that campers do not possess during periods of great agitation.

Campers may also choose Arts and Crafts, where campers can draw family portraits wherein the Mother figure is unconsciously drawn much larger than the Father figure, who will likely have an X drawn, again unconsciously, through his face.

We will also be featuring a new elective this year, called “Lamentation Period,” where campers are given time to reflect on their relationship with their mother and lament the futility of life away from home and the terror that accompanies leaving the house. Fears of college can also be prematurely contemplated during this time.

7 P.M
. Dinner is served in the main dining hall. Campers are encouraged to eat freely as the day is almost over and they are one day closer to being home. Though it is optional, campers may even enjoy themselves briefly and, if desired, experience
the slightest amount of relief that they are a few hours closer to going home than they were at breakfast.

AT 9 P.M.
, it is lights out. Unless a camper would like to stay up all night and call their mom. If this is the case, a call to Mom is possible at this, or any, time. If the camper chooses to sleep but then has a nightmare, a call to Mom is allowed and encouraged. If the camper chooses to sleep but wakes up before his bunkmates, the camper may call his mother. If the camper chooses to sleep and makes it through the whole night without a call to Mom, he will be escorted home by one of the Counselors in Training, or “CITs,” to apologize to his mom for being aloof.

Counselors in Training will be made up of campers' moms.

MY MOTHER EXPLAINS THE BALLET TO ME

Where have you been? It's starting in five minutes! I hate having to leave your ticket at the box office. Why can't you just show up on time like a normal person? You think you'd be able to be here early since you're not coming from a job, a girlfriend, any kind of rich social life or commitment to public service. Anyway, I'm glad you're here. Give me a kiss.

What did you think of that usher? She seems pretty, a little chunky maybe, but nice, right? A nice face. You need to find someone like that. Did you like her? Did you say anything to her or did you just nod and shut down like you do around any girl that's not Sarah? Anyway, she is a bit chunky. Not for you.

O.K., it's starting. Do you know anything about this ballet? It was $125, you should know what you're seeing. It was
written by Wagner, which is pronounced “
Vag-ner
” and who was a Nazi but before Hitler. O.K., turn your phone off. It's starting.

You see, what's happening now is that she's in love with those three men. That's why they're all holding roses. And she's courting them at the same time. Like when you drove all the way to Providence for Sarah's graduation and she decided she didn't have any time for you. But I'm sure she was able to squeeze in some time for what's-his-name. Patrick? Are they still together? They deserve each other. She was never right for you. She brought almond cake to the house after your grandmother's funeral. As if one death in the family wasn't enough, she wants me to go into anaphylactic shock at my own mother-in-law's funeral? I'm not telling you who you should date, it's not my business and I respect your “process,” but that girl was an ungrateful hussy who never appreciated you.

Why can't you stand like that guy on stage? Look at his posture. Forget that he's black for a second and just look at his body. His shoulders are back. He has confidence. You look like you're apologizing even before you open your mouth. You walk in a room, no one notices. He walks on stage, we're all looking. Look at him, he's like a walking picture. I never dated a black man. Your father was so attractive in college. It stifled me, in a way. I used to be very progressive.

Stop nodding off. What did you do all day that you're so tired? Are you sweating? You smell like you're sweating.

Look who she's dancing with now.
Quelle surprise!
You see? When you stand up straight, she takes your rose. It's just
about the confidence you project. If you had confidence, people would notice you. There was a kid in a wheelchair back in Elmhurst but he was so funny, he knew how to laugh at himself and, in a way, we all liked him.

What she's doing now is called a
pas de chat.
It's French and we all know how you did in that class, so I'll just solve the mystery and tell you that it means “step of the cat.”

Ah, look at that! She just fell! Ha! Clumsy. I could do that. “Step of the cat.” I used to dance, did I tell you that? I could've been successful if I hadn't had your sister. She tore my body apart. She's still destroying me, in a way. I could've done that. It looks harder than it is.

Oh, he's back! Look at him! He's an Adonis. Do you think he puts something in his pants to fill it out? No one has such a big thing, right? Your father is the only man I've ever been with. Can you believe that? It's noble, in a way, but I'm not going to Heaven for not having any fun.

Can you please pay attention for a second? Your fidgeting is distracting me. I understand you're impatient. I've been impatient too. Like when I was impatient for thirty-six hours while you took your sweet time ambling down my birth canal. That wasn't exactly fun for me either. It felt like I was trying to shit out a watermelon. Had I known about the size of your head, I would've gotten a Caesarean. Hindsight, right?

Okay, what's happening now is we're being kicked out because I'm talking too much. The usher, who I initially thought was pretty—Hi, dear!—is escorting us out. And understandably so, I haven't stopped audibly insulting you since this started and it's distracting to the other patrons. She is actually
cute up close. A little flabby in the neck, but cute. Try to get her number.

Listen, I can't drive you home, you'll have to take the train. Traffic is a nightmare at the tunnel right now.

I'll see you next week. Try to be on time. I think it was a great idea that we got these season tickets. Give me a kiss. Love you, sweetheart.

AN EMAIL EXCHANGE WITH MY FIRST GIRLFRIEND, WHICH AT A CERTAIN POINT IS TAKEN OVER BY MY OLDER SISTER, A COLLEGE STUDENT STUDYING THE BOSNIAN GENOCIDE

ME:
hey amy . . . just got home from food shopping with my mother. She takes FOREVER in every aisle . . . Thought I was going to die . . . This is why I hate summer.

AMY:
lol. I never go shopping with my mom anymore for that exact reason. Guess you are learning . . .

ME:
How was day “numero uno” of ballet camp?

AMY:
day numero uno was “bien,” thank you for asking. I missed you tho. I keep thinking how nice it would be if you were up here and dancing with me the whole time!

ME:
I wish I was there too . . . Cant wait till you get back to NJ . . . But I bet you look hot in your little outfit thing, what's it called again?

AMY:
You mean a TUTU?? I do look hot!

ME:
That's so cool. but you always look hot . . .

AMY:
;-)

ME:
literally just mowed the whole lawn . . . And not just the back, but the front, you know where we have all those stupid trees my mom likes? I had to do like figure eights around them because my mom likes the pattern it makes with the lawn mower. SO friggin' boring! I'm so tired . . .

AMY:
hey you. ballet was awesome today. their making me the lead in the “end of the summer” recital! which just means I have to learn a lot of complicated solo parts, actually not totally fun but a kind of nice thing, I guess, right??

ME:
thats so cool!!! your gonna look so pretty in the show. I can't wait to see it . . . But obviously I will wait, because it's not until the END of the summer. Which is I guess why they call it an END OF THE SUMMER show, right??

AMY:
LOL! You are so funny.

ME:
You are so pretty . . .

AMY:
Well than I guess we make a Pretty Funny couple.

ME:
LOL.

AMY:
I really like you.

ME:
I really like too . . .

ME:
I mean I really like YOU too!

ME:
Whoops . . .

AMY:
what you doin' today?

ME:
nothing . . . I kind of slept in which was weird because I normally can't do that . . . So I woke up at like 2:30 and
was like “whoa” because I thought it was probably still morning . . . You?

AMY:
we had our first rehearsal with costumes. mine looks SO nice, it's got these red sequins all over the back but it still moves really well. I'm supposed to be like a kind of bird, but a bird who does ballet (who knew?) and we met the costume guy who's this Brazilian guy I think. He's like the most beautiful man on the planet. He used to be a dancer. Don't get jealous. probably gay, everyone thinks so. And I have to wear this really short skirt and I told paolo (costume guy) that you can totally see my butt and he looked at me all serious and said with his awesome accent “you must be proud of your beautiful posterior.” Wish he wasn't gay! Just kidding! Miss ya! Going out with Paolo and some of the gang to TGI Fridays for Sundays. (On Saturday. Weird. Almost covering all the days in one trip!)

ME:
That dress sounds insane! Make sure you show off your “beautiful posterior” when I'm at the show! I had a really exciting day (he said sarcastically . . .) I helped my father at his office for like ten minutes and then was like going totally crazy, so I snuck out while he was with a patient. Anyway, back home now. Will probably watch a dumb movie or something . . . Can't wait for school to start! (and can't believe I actually just said that)

AMY:
Just got home from dinner. On a sugar high. Will probably not sleep all night!

ME:
how's it going? another boring day here . . . I wish I could
hibernate like a bear does and just sleep through the whole summer and just wake up for when I get to SEE YOU AGAIN! I am GOING CRAZY at home . . . My parents are insane . . . They don't even fight like normal parents, its so annoying, they just get along and it's so boring. BUT . . .

Good news is (drum roll please): my sister Kendra gets back from college tomorrow!! She is so cool, I can't wait for you guys to meet. Maybe we could all hang out? She's super super smart, used to do all my history homework for me (dont tell Miss Matthews) and shes getting her degree in something totally random like the Bosnian genocide or something. Creepy! But whatever, can't wait to see her . . .

AMY:
that sounds cool. I have some good news as well (second drum roll please): Paolo is NOT gay! LOL. Glad I didn't bet any money on that. Anyway, rehearsals are going really well. I'm working SO HARD, my body is getting like a crazy work out every single minute. But I think I'm doing really good and actually think I may be able to do this for a living. Like I used to think dancing was just a kid's dream kind of thing, but I actually think I might be good enough to do it for real. Weird!

ME:
Yeah, that is weird . . . It's like if I was in the nba or something . . . Lol . . . But cool . . .

AMY:
It's not like if you were in the nba. I mean I'm actually dancing and im the lead in the show. it would be like the nba if you were at a basketball camp and you were the best player and were also like really tall.

ME:
im just saying, you should probably not like QUIT SCHOOL if that's what you were thinking . . . And I'm actually a really great long-range shooter. I was on JV last year and actually started some games, and you don't have to be tall if you have an outside shot, so . . .

AMY:
I'm not quitting school! I'm just exploring who I am right now and I think I'm a really good dancer. Sorry if that pisses you off?

ME:
I'm not pissed off? What? I'm just saying it might be a little EARLY to consider a career in a weird field . . . Sorry for being, like, practical . . . And Im glad paolo is not gay. Now you guys can be lovers . . . Honestly, though, be carful around those creepy old Brazilian guys!

AMY:
Paolo is our age.

ME:
What?

AMY:
Yeah . . .

ME:
And they let him design all the costumes?

AMY:
He's a prodigy.

ME:
Weird . . .

AMY:
Why weird?

ME:
Don't know . . . Just seems weird.

AMY:
I feel like your being unsupportive.

ME:
Well its a little hard to be supportive when your like changing your whole entire life around overnight with out telling me . . .

AMY:
i didn't realize i had to tell you every time i move a muscle. I didn't realize we were like joined at the hip because we went on two dates before the summer
started. Sorry I didn't realize that! Anyway I have rehearsal. What exciting thing are you going to do? Wash your socks?

ME:
I'm actually hanging out with my sister. she's awesome and we're probably gonna do something cool like go on a trip to the beach or go to a party or something . . .

AMY:
well have a good time. I'm actually going to a party also. Paolo is having one at his room.

ME:
have a good time . . .

AMY:
Maybe I will!

ME:
your being a bitch.

AMY:
I think we should stop talking to each other.

ME:
Good! How is that any different from our current situation?

AMY:
Good point for once!

ME:
I've told my sister about what you're doing. She's going to email you.

AMY:
Fine! I didn't do anything wrong, so I don't care!

KENDRA:
Dear Amy, this is Kendra. Nice to email meet you. :-) My brother shared with me your recent email communications and, while I don't want to be invasive, I do feel like I might be able to clarify my brother's position visà-vis your new relationship and shed some light on the situation.

AMY:
Hi Kendra. Nice to email meet you too. ;-) I've been feeling so frustrated about the whole thing. Thanks for trying to help.

KENDRA:
My pleasure. I'd like to share something with you
that I wish someone shared with me when I was your age. I think it might help illuminate some of the more complicated aspects of your relationship. The situation reminds me of a little historical blip called the Karađorđevo agreement. I imagine this may be a new reference for you so let me give you a little backstory.

In 1991, Bosnia, Serbia, and Croatia were preparing for war. Bosnia, led by the toothless Alija Izetbegović, was the weakest country and doomed to be overrun. Nonetheless, on March 25, 1991, the leaders of Croatia and Serbia met privately to discuss how they would carve up Bosnia. That's right. Behind the broken backs of the Bosnians, the Croatian and Serbian heads of state decided how Bosnia would be divided. Shocked? It gets worse.

Serbia, as you probably know, was represented by the vile Slobodan Milošević. Croatia was represented by the comparatively less ferocious President Franjo Tuđman. At Karađorđevo, these conspirators secretly agreed how they would overrun the helpless Izetbegović and his Bosnian Muslims and thus began a campaign of ethnic cleansing. I think, judging from your exchanges with my brother these past weeks, the Karađorđevo agreement is a fitting analogy to our situation. Let me explain the parallels, in case they don't seem immediately evident:

Clearly, my brother is Bosnian leader Alija Izetbegović, stuck in the dark while his fate is decided in private backroom deals by others: namely you and Paolo. Their crime? Not being present: Izetbegović, isolated in
the boiling Sarajevan valley. My brother, mowing lawns in the suburbs of New Jersey.

While I am not equating you with Milošević (and I will get to him later), I do think your actions are reminiscent of Croatia's (weak) strongman Franjo Tuđman. He was, for all intents and purposes, a patsy. Was he evil? History will be the best judge, but I would say Not Necessarily. Still, he was certainly not innocent. Likely bullied by the stronger Milošević, Tuđman conspired as well, hatching the evil plot to carve up Bosnia. Whether you consider him an appeaser or a butcher, he certainly did nothing to help the poor Bosnians and nothing to stop the ruthless Milošević.

How do I think you are similar to Tuđman? Your increasingly intimate trysts with this Paolo character read like a crime of passivity. From ice cream sundaes at TGI Fridays to last night's party at “Paolo's room,” you are carving Bosnia up one “innocent” interaction at a time. Just like Tuđman, you are complying with a plot that is far more complicated and evil than you are likely aware. Again,
you
are not evil. But lest we forget the famous words of Elie Wiesel: “To remain silent and indifferent is the greatest sin of all.”

Now. On to Paolo, our MiloÅ¡ević. You call Paolo a “prodigy.” And that may be true. MiloÅ¡ević was also a “prodigy.” As were Mussolini and Hitler. And though you claim that Paolo's genius lies in the world of fashion, I think it is far closer to MiloÅ¡ević. That is, I think they are both experts not in fashion, but in butchery and thievery.

Questions of his sexuality aside, Paolo's intentions are clear. His comment about your “beautiful posterior” is tantamount to a declaration of war. Similarly, MiloÅ¡ević made no secret of his similarly dark intentions for the Bosnian Muslims, saying of the Karađorđevo accord: “It is a solution which is offering to the Muslims much more than they can ever dream to take by force.”
¹

In summation, I am not blaming you and I am certainly not calling you evil, but I do feel like my brother is getting steamrolled and you are sitting silently in the passenger seat.

AMY:
Dear Kendra, I understand your trying to help and that you think I'm not evil or whatever, but I completely disagree with you. And as long as we're “explaining” ourselves, let me explain MYSELF, okay? First of all, I read a little bit about the “Tudman” guy and I don't think I'm being like him at ALL. And, if anything, YOU GUYS are being like Milosevic, like conspiring against me in your dark ivory tower back in New Jersey. I'm literally just up here trying to focus on my dancing and I'm enjoying myself for the first time and feeling like I might be good at something and that's not a crime. If I WAS like a former Yugoslavian republic, then I'd be Slovenia, which I just looked up, because they were trying to get some independence without screwing anything up. And that's
what I'm trying to do here at ballet camp, just have some fun and get some freedom without screwing up the relationship with your brother. And then YOURE BEING like Milosevic and the Yugoslav People's Army, storming Ljubljana with YPA troops as though what I'm doing is so bad.