Bream Gives Me Hiccups (12 page)

14
. They're SO typical. But it's cute, you know?

15
. I wouldn't say “I
really
like you” though. Because I still need to hold on to some of my mystique. Otherwise, I'm just another two-bit slut, which Ryan could find anywhere.

16
. Guys are obsessed with grabbing breasts apparently.

17
. How great is that???

18
. Nothing else needs to be said.

19
. And I would LET him this time. A promise is a promise.

20
. I know what you're thinking—this is not 1950, Harper. But, Miss Rita, I'm a traditionalist. I want a traditional life with Ryan. I don't care that it's not empowering or whatever. I want a regular, run-of-the-mill American thing with him. Yes, I want the white picket fence! Yes, I want the 2.5 kids! And yes, I want the SUV and the washer/dryer and gravy on my Thanksgiving turkey! I don't care if that makes me old-fashioned. I want our children to
know
their mother, I want Ryan to feel complete and accomplished in the workplace. Sorry, Gloria Steinman. Sorry. :(

21
. In my mind, we were already married, so I probably looked really weird to him. Like
my face
probably looked like a housewife, running out to meet her longtime husband, and
his face
probably looked like a kid coming out of an economics class being approached by a crazed stranger.

22
. And End of Life! Just like that, my life ended. Everything. My butter turned into a gun!

23
. And that I dodged a
major
bullet.

24
. I guess he bought them from a time machine store!

25
. Hahahahaha!!! He's gonna be so bald!

26
. Because his girlfriend is most likely a whore.

27
. And I don't need a
man
to complete me. Sorry, boys. But I am fine on my own. I know who I am and what I need and I'm sorry if that scares people away. My fierce independence. My strong willpower. I'm going to be a strong single female like Eleanor Roosevelt or Janis Joplin. I will live alone, not like a dyke with a buzz cut and bad breath, but like a beautiful woman who owns her body. I don't need a man to tell me what I can and can't do. Especially a fucking old-fashioned, stuck-in-a-time-warp brute like
Ryan.

28
. The good kind. Not the fat kind.

29
. Not literally. That'd be gross. ;)

30
. You can bet I will never change my name! Not even hyphenating it. I will make no phallic compromises!

October 18

Dear Miss Rita,

Sometimes, things seem fucking awful, but if you look at them a different way, they're actually not.
¹

I had a really weird night this week that made me think a lot about my life and my parents and what I want to be when I get older.
²

Okay, here's what happened:

Slutnick and I don't have class on Wednesday
³
so we were just hanging out in our room
⁴
and Slutnick was showing me the grossest video of a snake eating a whole crocodile. It was so disgusting, but I couldn't stop watching it.

And just before the end of the video, there was a knock on the door. It was kind of a silly knock, like the one where you knock a few times in a funny beat and wait for the other person to finish the beat.

And SN opened the door and two old fugly people were standing there, grinning like idiots. And Slutnick squealed, “Oh my god, what are you guys doing here?”

And the old fuglies said, “We wanted to surprise you and take you to dinner!”

And then all three fat, ugly people were holding hands and jumping up and down.

That's when I realized I was looking at Mr. and Mrs. Slutnick.

The dad looked like Chef Boyardee but if he was uglier and more Jewy and not wearing a chef's hat. And the mom looked like Slutnick if she kept getting fatter and uglier and just went through life without ever making any of the right moves.

Slutnick introduced me, saying, “This is my friend Harper.”
⁵

I shook The Slutnicks' hands and the dad smiled real wide and said, “If it isn't the famous Harper!” and the mom said, “We've heard so many things about you!”

And I just said, “Okay,” because I didn't know what she meant because she didn't say “I've heard so many
good
things” or “
bad
things.” Just “things.”

Then Slutnick asked if I could come with them to dinner and the dad said, “Of course!” And then in a silly vampire voice, “We've come for both of you! Mwahaha!”

And Slutnick squealed again and hugged the elder Slutnicks, saying, “This is so exciting!”

When we got in the SNs' car, the dad said, “Jill and I were thinking Olive Garden, does that sound good?”

And Slutnick shouted, “Yay!”
⁶
and did a little dance.

As we drove to the restaurant, the three SNs all talked at the same time, so excited, like they hadn't seen each other in years. And I wanted to hate them so much but, more than anything, it just made me miss being with my family and it made me pissed that my parents would never think to surprise me.
⁷
They asked Slutnick about school and knew all of her professors' names and knew exactly how she was doing in her classes. It was so bizarre. My parents didn't even ask me what classes I was
taking.

At the Olive Garden, we had to wait for a table and they gave us a little vibrating stick
⁸
to let us know when our table was ready.

And while we were waiting, the SNs made a big deal about how happy they were to be eating there, saying things like, “I can't wait to dive into their Bolognese,” and “I think we should get a flatbread. You know,
for the table
.”
⁹

And Slutnick said, “You guys know what my favorite part of dinner is, don't you?”

And the parents said, at the same time, “Unlimited breadsticks!”

And SN squealed with piggish delight.
¹⁰

Then they asked me what I wanted and I didn't know what to say because I didn't know the whole menu like they did, so I just said, “Oh, I think I don't like Italian food.” I don't know why I said that, Miss Rita, I really do like Italian food. I just got nervous, so I blurted that out.

Then the parents looked kind of disappointed in me and asked, “Do you want to go somewhere else, Harper?” And I
should've
said, “No, this is great. I actually love Italian food,” but instead I said, “Okay.”

Luckily, the vibrating thing buzzed and our table was ready, so the dad said, “Well, let's do Olive Garden for now and we'll let you choose the restaurant next time.” And I thought this was actually really nice because it meant that they wanted me to go with them
next
time even if I screwed up tonight.
¹¹

Miss Rita, I have to say, eating with The Slutnicks was actually kind of great. They're really funny people and they tried
to include me in the conversation the whole time. The dad talked about his bicycling trip to the Amish country, where he stayed in a real Amish person's house overnight, and the mom talked about her book club, and it was funny how she described it as kind of juvenile, saying it reminded her of being in a high school English class with overly emotional teenagers arguing with each other.

My parents barely speak to each other and never do anything fun. My dad comes home really late every night, and if my mom or I ask him about his day, he says, “Can we please not talk about that right now?” And my mother has no friends that she actually likes and would never join a book club because that would require reading, which she refuses to do.

But The Slutnicks seemed like they were
actually
happy people and it was really weird to see that. My parents always
pretend
to be happy when they're with strangers but it's so clear that they're pretending. But The Slutnicks seemed happy with their lives and with each other. And I guess I never realized that was possible.
¹²

And they asked me about myself, if I liked school, which I said no to, and then told me that “the first year is always the hardest and don't worry too much about enjoying it.” It was
strange advice to give, but it made me feel more relaxed about school.
¹³

Miss Rita, it was such a nice dinner, I felt like I was a real Slutnick. We got dessert
¹⁴
and coffee and The Slutnicks paid for dinner and then thanked
us
for coming with
them
: “It was so great of you girls to come out with us tonight. What a treat.”

On the way home, Miss Rita, I'm not kidding, I talked the whole way! I couldn't believe it. I usually never talk around other people because I'm so freaked out that I'll say something stupid or something I don't know about and then they'll ask me about it and I won't know what to say. But I just couldn't help myself, I told the SNs everything about me, even stuff I never thought about before, like what I want to do for a profession.
¹⁵
I even told them about you, Miss Rita.
¹⁶

And then they dropped us off at the dorm and gave us both a hug and then the dad said to me, “I'm glad you're taking care of my daughter.” I couldn't believe it.
I
was taking care of
her.
I don't even know if they were being serious, but it made me feel so good. I've never taken care of anyone and suddenly
I was taking care of Slutnick! It made me feel like an adult. Like I was important. And
needed
.

Slutnick and I went back up to our room and I was still smiling so so wide. I wanted to take a shower to wash the Olive Garden smell out of my hair
¹⁷
but I thought it would be nice to ask Slutnick if she wanted to shower first. So I did. And she said, “Sure, thanks for asking, Harp!”
¹⁸

Slutnick took her towel and soap and toothbrush and left the room to shower and I walked around the dorm room, alone.

I looked at all of our shared possessions. Our coffeemaker. Our microwave. Our minifridge with the permanent coffee stain running down the middle. Our toaster. Our crusty garbage can. Our dollar store plates and aluminum forks. Our whiteboard with the scrawled neon green note, “Coffeemaker's busted.”

Then I looked at Slutnick's possessions. Her hair straightener. Her eyelash curler. Her half-eaten jar of Nutella. Her ticket stubs from every concert she's ever been to. Her cork-board with pictures of fugly friends from home.

And then I looked at my possessions. My anthro books for school. My laptop with a sticker of a bloody apple covering the regular apple logo. My faded security blanket from home. My XXL shirt from Floor Wars. My bulk foods from Costco.

And I thought that maybe I would like it if Slutnick used my stuff more. Like maybe I would be happier sharing stuff with her than just keeping it to myself. Like maybe it would make me happier to know she was eating my ramen than if I were actually eating it myself.
¹⁹

And then I started thinking about my own parents. And I really tried to think about them in a
neutral
way. You know? Like I tried to think about them as though I wasn't their daughter for a minute. Just think about them as though I was a person looking at the situation. And I got really mad at them.

They knew how lonely I was up here and they never did anything to make me feel better or
needed
. When I asked them if they were going to visit me during the semester, my mother said that they thought I needed to “cultivate my own experiences for the first few months.”
²⁰
And after one night with The Slutnicks, I already felt more loved and part of a family than I did in eighteen years with my own parents.

Slutnick came back in with a towel wrapped around her head like a Muslim man.
²¹
And her whole body was red and blotchy from the hot water. And I immediately felt a little embarrassed because she looked kind of fat and I thought it was embarrassing that I had a fat roommate and I was worried
people would think
I
was fat, just by association. And then I tried to remember that thinking that way was mean and also probably not exactly right.

Then Slutnick said, “Should we finish watching the snake video?”

And I snapped out of my thinking about her being fat and got so excited. I had totally forgotten about the video.

Slutnick opened her computer, which was paused two-thirds into the video, and pressed play:

It was so gross, Miss Rita. The snake ate the entire crocodile and then slithered around with it inside of him.
²²
And I wanted to hate the snake for eating the crocodile, but then I thought, “Maybe it's none of my business.”

And I looked at Slutnick and she was grossed out too. And I laughed to myself because I pictured us from the snake's point of view: two girls, making the same grossed-out face, staring at me as I slithered around with a crocodile inside of my body.

And I realized that, to the snake, Slutnick and I were probably not that different.

And then I thought that the snake probably thought we were related to each other. And maybe he's right, maybe Slutnick and I
are
related.

And maybe that's what life is about—finding families in different places. Like maybe, this year, Slutnick and I are a
family. And maybe next year, I'll have a different roommate and
she'll
be my family.

And in a way, this thought made me feel really alone and also really
not
alone at the same time.

Because it meant that
everyone
could be my family but
no one
was permanent.

Well, except for you, Miss Rita.

Thanks!

Love,

Harp
²³

1
. You know?

2
. Which is actually coming pretty soon, if you think about it. You probably didn't think you would be old when you were my age, right?

3
. Actually, Slutnick never has class (get it? Cause she's a slut).

4
. I should also mention here that SN's been pretty tolerable recently. We're actually getting along and she's not being such a massive douchebag.

5
. Okay, I know this seems like not a big deal, but she said
friend
not
roommate
, which actually made me feel SO good, Miss Rita, because a “friend” is someone you
choose
to know and a “roommate” is someone you're
forced
to know.

6
. As though they asked her if she would like a winning lottery ticket. Although, I guess, to The Slutnick, food is like winning the lottery.

7
. Okay, so my parents live much farther away from school, but they would never think to surprise me even if school was right around the
corner
. My parents never did anything fun or spontaneous or interesting without making a big show of how great they were for doing it, you know?

8
. The closest thing Slutnick would ever get to a date.

9
. Sure, blame the table for eating all the food.

10
. And I was thinking that the combination of The Slutnicks and unlimited breadsticks would put the Olive Garden out of business.

11
. In the lobby of the Olive Garden, there was a sign that said,
WHEN YOU
'
RE HERE
,
YOU
'
RE FAMILY
. And I thought, since I'm here, I'm part of their family. And that made me feel good even though I didn't want to be part of their family because it would mean I would probably have to get fatter and uglier.