Bream Gives Me Hiccups (9 page)

ALEXANDER GRAHAM BELL'S FIRST FIVE PHONE CALLS

March 10, 1876

ALEXANDER GRAHAM BELL:
Watson, come here! I want to see you!

March 11, 1876

ALEXANDER GRAHAM BELL:
Hey, Watson,
guess who
? Yeah, it's me, it's Aleck. How'd you know? But I was doing a funny voice! Did you get any sleep last night? Me neither! I was so pumped about the whole phone thing working. I know! I totally wanted to call you too, but I figured you probably went to sleep. Did you tell anybody yet? No, me neither. I was thinking of telling Mabel though. I bet she would think it was interesting. All right, cool. If you're up later, though, call me. I don't care what time it is. Cool.
So . . . are you gonna hang up? No, you hang up first. No,
you
! Okay, we'll do it at the same time. Ready? On three. One. Two. Three. Are you still there? Yeah, me too. Okay, I'm really hanging up this time. One. Two. Three. Hello?

March 12, 1876

ALEXANDER GRAHAM BELL:
Hey, Watson, how's it going? Nothing. Just sitting here. You? That's cool. Hey, I had a kind of weird idea. Tell me if it sounds too creepy. You know how you have a phone and I have a phone? Don't you think it would be cool if more people had one? I don't know, like Mabel for instance. I just think she would like it. What? No, I don't like her, I just think she would like the phone. I'm not
obsessed
with her. I just think it would be a cool experiment, to see if it could work at her house. So I was thinking we could make it a surprise, you know? Like you could hide the phone in her house and then I could call her and she'll hear it ringing and not know what it is and then pick up and I'll be on the other end and I'll say something really casual like, “Hey, Mabel, it's me Aleck calling from my house down the block,” and she'll be so impressed—not that I'm trying to impress her—and then we'll know it worked. So I was thinking if you could go to her house and sneak the phone in, that would be great. Like you could just casually knock on her door and pretend you're delivering flowers or something. Or doing a survey on plague in the neighborhood—just something totally casual. But don't mention me at all! Cool, thanks, Watson. You're the best! She's gonna be so impressed.
What? No, I mean with the
invention
. She's gonna be impressed with the
invention
. Cool, speak later.

March 15, 1876

ALEXANDER GRAHAM BELL:
Hey, it's me. Nothing. What? No, I just ate dinner. I'm not slurring my words. I'm not. Well, I think
you're
drunk! I'm totally fine. I may have had a sip of wine, so what? Shut up! I'm not in the mood for this, okay? Have you heard anything from Mabel? I've been calling her all day, she doesn't pick up! Yes, of course I dialed the right number—2! Don't patronize me! You probably didn't connect the reeds to the armature properly. I'm not saying you did it on purpose, but it does seem a little odd that she hasn't picked up. That's all I'm saying. I'm not accusing you of anything, but I have seen the way you look at her. Oh, I'm just inventing things, am I?! The Great Inventor! Inventing things, right?! Like when you told her you liked her frock? Did I invent that? Or when you walked
curbside
with her all the way to Strawbridges?! Maybe I should get a patent on that vision! Ah! Now I feel enraged! I feel like hanging up my phone before we finish speaking to each other. I mean it! I'm going to do it. I'm going to hang up my phone even though we're not done!

March 21, 1876

ALEXANDER GRAHAM BELL:
Hey, Watson, it's Aleck. How's it going? I'm okay. So . . . Yeah, I guess I just wanted to say sorry for my phone call last week. I should never have
called you drunk. That was stupid. And I guess I wasn't really mad at you. I guess I was just . . . mad at the
situation
, you know? And I took it out on you, which was totally juvenile. Yeah, so anyway . . . How are you? That's good, that's good. Yeah, no otherwise, I'm pretty good too. I thought I had an idea for a new invention but I think someone already did it. It was like a spoon with ridges. Whatever. It's kind of stupid anyway. No, I haven't heard from Mabel. I don't even really like her that much. She's kind of self-involved, you know? Like she turns every conversation into something about herself. I think I was just in love with the
idea
of her, you know? Anyway, I am actually a little lonely. I do sound depressed, don't I? Watson, do you think you could come over here? I want to see you.

MARXIST-SOCIALIST JOKES

Why did the Marxist-Socialist cross the road?

To get to the Marxist-Socialist sit-in on the other side of the road.

How many Marxist-Socialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two. One to screw in the lightbulb, one to lament Milton Friedman's laissez-faire economic policies.

A Marxist-Socialist walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he's unionized.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

A Marxist-Socialist.

A Marxist-Socialist who?

A Marxist-Socialist who wants to give you a pamphlet about class struggle.

What did one Marxist-Socialist say to another?

Like you, I also advocate a proletarian revolution culminating in collective ownership.

What do you get when you cross a Marxist with a Socialist?

Two people who generally feel that the value of a commodity is equal to its socially necessary labor time.

What's the difference between a Marxist-Socialist and a Keynesian economist?

Several things, including but not limited to the following: The Marxist-Socialist believes that workers should own the means of production, whereas a Keynesian supports the private ownership of the means of production. The Marxist-Socialist believes that centralized government would ultimately wither away after a revolution, whereas the Keynesian advocates greater government action to ensure full societal employment. Finally, a Marxist-Socialist would not be invited to a party that a Keynesian was giving at work because the Keynesian knows that the Marxist-Socialist would throw a stink about the way the cubicles in the Keynesian's office were arranged.

How do you get a one-armed Marxist-Socialist out of a tree?

Ask two teamsters to drive three AFL-CIO riggers each carrying an IAFF-approved ladder to the tree and help the one-armed Marxist-Socialist down.

The Marxist-Socialist's mother is so fat that when the Marxist-Socialist's mother laments stagflation, she
actually
stagflates.

A Priest, a Rabbi, and a Marxist-Socialist are in an airplane that is going to crash and there are only two parachutes. The Priest says, “I have always followed the word of Jesus, so I should have one of the parachutes.” The Rabbi says, “I paid for the plane rental, so I should also have one of the parachutes.” The Marxist-Socialist says, “I would normally advocate allocating these out according to one's means, but I'm afraid of dying and would like one of the chutes, please.”

IV.

MY ROOMMATE STOLE MY RAMEN

LETTERS FROM A FRUSTRATED FRESHMAN

 

September 16

Dear Miss Rita,

I bet you thought you'd never hear from me again, right? Well, here I am! I know we haven't spoken since my junior year of high school
¹
but I am
so
distraught and you're the only person I could turn to. Oh, I should probably also tell you that I'm taking a creative writing class and we're learning how to use footnotes,
²
and I was writing so much to you that I thought it would be better if I used footnotes to make some of my points.

Okay, so back to what I was saying. I've been in college for two weeks now and it's been the worst time in my life. I am so unbelievably depressed! Even more than junior year, if you can believe that!

And I know writing to you is a totally random thing to do and you're probably thinking, “Who the hell is this?” but if I don't tell someone about what's going on, I think my head will explode.
³

So, I didn't tell you, but I didn't get into any of my top schools
and
most of my safeties so I'm going to a school in The Middle of Fucking Nowhere, Missouri,
⁴
because my parents thought it would be “good for me” to leave home and “experience a different part of the country.”
⁵

And I hate this fucking town with a passion. It's literally like the United States government made a regular town and then took a shit on it. It's hard to describe, but St. Louis looks like shit, like actual feces, like there is a thin layer of excrement spread over everything in this town and that its heyday was like forty years ago, during the Depression era,
⁶
and I miss New York so much right now!

And the weirdest part about this whole thing is that I seem like the only one who actually minds this place. Every other student—and I mean
every
other student—seems totally fine. Like they're doing well in their classes and going out and
smiling and making friends and I'm just like, “How does anyone not see what a miserable fucking situation we're all in?!”

But the absolute worst part of my experience so far is that I requested a single room,
⁷
but there were only a few singles and I got stuck with a bitch of a roommate named Rebecca Slotnick.
⁸

The Slutnick is
technically
a “nice” person. Like she always says the “right” things,
⁹
I guess, but it feels totally fake. It feels like she's only being nice so that, if we got into a fight, she could be like, “But I
asked
you if my music was bothering you.” And then I would have no choice but to be like, “Yeah, I guess you did.”

And, not that it's my business, but honestly, she should take up an eating disorder if she doesn't already have one because she is a fucking chubster and a half.

Okay, so this brings me to my current complaint:

I did a massive shopping at Costco on move-in day with my parents cause I'm not allowed to have a car freshman year so we bought everything I would need for a few weeks.
¹⁰

And we bought an eighteen-pack of ramen noodles,
¹¹
which I know are supposed to be bad for you, but I actually like them and they're the perfect “I have nothing else to eat!” kind of food.

And The Slutnick and I have different class schedules, so one day I was at class till like 8:30 at night and when I came back home, Slutnick's not there and I put a mug of water in the microwave to boil it for ramen. And then I take a bowl out and notice that there are only three chicken ramens left, when I distinctly remember there being four.

At first I thought there'd been a break-in or something. So I inspected the rest of the room, but nothing else seemed different. And then I realized that The Slutnick doesn't have class till late on Tuesdays so she's probably been in the room all day, just eating her dumb face off, and she probably got tempted by my chicken ramen and decided she needed to force that down her hole as well.

When I realized The Slutnick stole my ramen, I immediately lost my appetite. And something inside me kind of broke apart. Like when a woman finds out that her dentist husband has been cheating with his hygienist.

And I started to have those panic attack feelings that you described. Where my breathing is really quick but I also feel
like I'm choking. And my head feels dizzy and my toes feel empty like when I'm standing on the ledge of a tall building, looking down.

So I just sat on the bed and I actually started crying.
¹²
And I buried my head in the pillow and snot was just pouring out of my nose
¹³
and I started to really hate everything in the world and it felt like my life was actually over, like I was stuck in an impossible situation and that my life was going to end. My heart was beating so fast but I felt like I was dying.

And I guess I finally fell asleep, because the next thing I remember is Slutnick coming in the room and saying, “Hi, hope I didn't wake you up.”
¹⁴

And I kind of ignored her for a while and pretended to read. And then, at some point, I said, “Night,” really quickly, to kind of show her that I was mad, and turned my lamp off and went to sleep.

BUT . . .

The next fucking day, Miss Rita . . .

. . . The Slutnick mentions the Ramen! And she did it in her classic phony way. She said, “I hope you don't mind, I was totally starved
¹⁵
yesterday and I had one of your Ramens.”

I wanted to scream in her dumb frizzy face!

First of all, no one should ever say, “I hope you don't mind.” If you're saying “I hope you don't mind” then that usually means that the person you're saying it to DEFINITELY FUCKING MINDS.

Second of all, she didn't have “one” of my ramens. She had a
chicken
ramen.
¹⁶
That's like taking a hundred-dollar bill out of my wallet and saying, “I hope you don't mind, I took one of your bills.”

And Third Of All, EAT SOME OF YOUR OWN FUCKING FOOD, BITCH! The Slutnick could've gone to Costco with her fat fucks of a family and she has tons of food on her side of the room.
¹⁷
So what would possess her fat fucking ass to waddle over to MY side of the room and rummage her pig fucking nose through my shit!?!? Stay on your own side of the fucking PEN, PIGGY!!! Oink oink! Oink all you want on YOUR SIDE you fat slutty bitch!!!

And then I told the fucking Resident Assistant on my floor
¹⁸
that The Slutnick took one of my Ramens and do you know what she said? She said: “I know college is a big transition for you, being an only child,
¹⁹
but you're going to have to
learn how to share.” So I was like, “Fuck you, Janice,” and now we don't talk. Power-hungry twat.

Okay, I'm sorry for all of my cursing and bad language, but I remember how you used to tell me to keep a diary to get out my feelings instead of yelling at my mom. And that worked for a bit but then I got lazy so I started yelling at her again. And I guess this letter is like a diary, except that it's not private because I really needed to tell someone who would actually understand me.
²⁰

And I know that, on the surface, this seems like not a big deal or just about soup or whatever. But it's not just about soup, you know? Because if it was just soup, I'd probably be like, “Whatever, I'll get another soup.” But I'm not. I'm enraged. In a real way. And it's part of a bigger problem, which is that I feel like my life is utter shit right now and I don't see a way out of it and I feel like it's only getting worse and that thought—the thought that's it's getting worse—is even more terrifying than if I was in some kind of war zone or something where at least I would know that the war would eventually end.

Okay, I don't want to be like a total downer
²¹
in this whole letter. So I want to finish by telling you that you had a really good impact on my life, Miss Rita. I don't know if you remember
but you once said something to me that meant a lot and you probably don't remember because you probably did things like that all the time for lots of girls, but for me it was the only nice thing in a year full of misery.

It was this:

One day, in the Junior Year From Hell, I was at your office and basically just crying to you.
²²
And you put your hand on the top of my head in a kind of weird way
²³
and you said, “You deserve to be happy.”

And my mind kind of like exploded a bit. Because I realized that you were right! And that I
did
deserve to be happy, but not like in a selfish way (like I should have
more
happiness than someone else), but just in a way that's like “I'm a human being and it's okay for me to be a happy one.”

And then the weirdest thing happened. About two weeks later, I got really depressed again and I decided that the only thing that would make me feel better is if someone told me “You deserve to be happy” again. But the weird rule that I made up for myself was that I couldn't
ask
anyone to tell me. It just had to
happen
.

So I would try to
lead
people into saying “You deserve to be happy” by asking weird questions to teachers and to my parents like, “What do you think we all
deserve
, like as a species?” But no one ever said the words “you deserve to be happy” and most people looked at me like I was a crazy person, which maybe I was.

But I always pictured you saying that to me again, Miss Rita, and wished I could take a time machine back to when you first said it so I can feel your gentle hand on top of my head and hear you say it again:

“You Deserve To Be Happy.”

Anyway!
I should probably go, The Slutnick just walked in and I have to protect my food.
²⁴

Okay, I know this letter is weird and totally out of the blue but, Miss Rita, I always think about you when I'm sad.
²⁵

And I think you might be my only friend.

Sincerely,
²⁶

Harper Jablonski

P.S. The Slutnick just said, “Mind if I ask what you're writing?” And I was like, “Just a paper for class.”
²⁷

1
. So technically you're not my guidance counselor anymore.

2
. Which are these!

3
. Literally. I'm actually having stress migraines.

4
. Or, as Missouri calls it, St. Louis.

5
. The shitty part, I guess.

6
. There is literally a bowling alley here. I'm not kidding.

7
. Which means no roommate. Which I wanted because I've never shared a room with anybody (not even like sleepovers, which you may remember I
don't
do).

8
. Who I will heretofore refer to as The Slutnick and I'm sorry that it's rude to do that and maybe that word is offensive to you, but it makes me feel better to call her that so, sorry, Miss Rita. ;)

9
. “I noticed you were reading, is my music bothering you?”

10
. Including like four huge bottles of Pantene Pro-V shampoo and conditioner, tons of Ziploc bags, meds like DayQuil/NyQuil (capsules), a mini-microwave, ultra-thin hangers, lemon-lime Gatorades, school supplies (notepads, binders, etc.). I'm sure I'm leaving like a million things out, but you get the idea.
Basic
stuff.

11
. The kind in the styro bowls that comes with 6 bowls of shrimp, 6 bowls of beef, and 6 bowls of chicken.

12
. I know that's maybe weird to do, but I couldn't help it.

13
. I would normally be disgusted by getting snot on the pillow, especially because it's a pain to do laundry here, but I couldn't stop crying.

14
. I was thinking, “YOU DID WAKE ME UP!”

15
. Irony alert, fatty!

16
. Everyone knows that the chicken is the only one that tastes good. The beef tastes like construction paper and the shrimp tastes like an unwiped asshole—excuse me, but it does.

17
. She literally has like 20 boxes of Teddy Grahams. Fucking baby. Fucking fat baby.

18
. A bitch named Janice.

19
. I know they say only children are spoiled because they never had to share, but I don't think that's necessarily true. I think you could say the same thing about kids who had a
lot
of siblings, because maybe they
had
to be selfish just to get anything since they were always competing. So maybe
they
don't know how to share.

20
. Sorry that had to be you. ;)

21
. Too late for that, right?

22
. As usual.

23
. But in a way that I loved.

24
. Just kidding. Kind of.