Bream Gives Me Hiccups (10 page)

25
. Not in a bad way, not like “it makes me sad to think about you!” but “it makes me
less
sad when I do.”

26
. I was actually going to write “Love” but that would be weird. It's like, “too soon!”

27
. Stupid bitch. Okay. Bye for real, Miss rita!

September 29

Dear Miss Rita,

Thank you so much for your letter! I am so relieved you wrote back, mainly because right after I wrote to you, I got so embarrassed. I thought you might not remember me or maybe you would hate me. But you
do
remember me and you obviously
don't
hate me.

And your letter was SO nice, even though it was kind of short.
¹

Anyway, I took your advice about being nicer to my roommate,
²
but it didn't exactly work out like I/you hoped.

Okay, so you told me that instead of secretly “harboring hatred” for The Slutnick, I should try to “engage” with her
³
and ask her if she wants to hang out.

So I did that. As soon as I finished reading your letter,
⁴
I asked The Slutnick if she wanted to do something outside the dorm room, like something social.

So Slutnick says, “Sure, what did you have in mind?”

And I say, “Anything you want.”

And I thought she would suggest something normal, like getting a cup of coffee or going to Chipotle.

But the SN says, “My sorority is holding a fundraiser tonight to raise money for Huntington's disease. Why don't you come with me and help out?”

And before I could say no to the Single Worst Invitation I've Ever Received, I said, “Sure, I'd love to.”

Okay, rewind for a second!

So The Slutnick is in a sorority, which is just some bullshit way for her to make friends with other fat girls, because if she wasn't in the sorority, she would just be a fat girl with no friends.
⁵

BUT. I was trying to keep an open mind like you told me to do. But not only did I have to
go
to this dumb thing, I actually had to
work
at it.

But I just kept thinking, “What would Miss Rita do?”
⁶

And I thought you would probably tell me to go to the fundraiser and put a smile on my face, even if it means I'm not smiling on the inside.

And you know how hard it is for me to meet new people. I always do that thing, remember? Where I think everyone is secretly laughing at me all the time. And I was worried that I would go to the sorority thing and everyone would think I was
a loser because I wasn't in one
⁷
and I would be so embarrassed and I'd be trying to smile but actually just wanting to die.

So: The Fundraiser:

It was held at an underage music venue called the Rotting Tree
⁸
and the sorority was charging ten dollars admission to see some crappy local girl band named 77 Cents play their crappy feminist bullshit songs.

When we got there, it was already pretty busy.
⁹
And as soon as we walked in, The Slutnick immediately became a different person.
¹⁰
She started hugging everyone and squealing like an idiot and calling the other girls her “sisters” in a really forced way.
¹¹
And she was kind of trying to include me by saying, “This is Harper, she wanted to volunteer. Isn't that SO nice?”

And the other girls were giving me hugs
¹²
and squealing at me and I was trying to smile, I really was, but I felt like I wanted to cry because the more hugs I got the more I felt really alone. Because the hugs felt empty or bony or not warm or something. It wasn't like when you hugged me in school, where I felt like you were not just hugging me but taking all the pain away with your hug. Like you were hugging the
sadness
out
of my body.
¹³
I wish I could be back in New York and get a hug from you again! Just one more hug from Miss Rita!
¹⁴

Anyway!

The sorority was also holding a raffle, which is apparently where I came in. I was supposed to work with some “sister” named Stephanie selling raffle tickets to the unfortunate losers who showed up to see 77 Cents. So The Slutnick introduces me to Stephanie and I was like, “Whoa!” because she had like a
humongously
bony nose.
¹⁵

And then The Slutnick runs off to meet the band. So I was
stuck
with this bony-nosed freak who I didn't even know and I started to feel that panicky feeling again, where my heart starts racing and my breathing becomes weird. And Bony Nose probably sees that I'm panicking so she says to me, “Don't worry, I'm a really nice boss.”
¹⁶

But instead, I just said, “Thanks, Steph.”

And then Stephanie told me what my degrading job would be. I had to walk around like an idiot selling people
raffle tickets. It was three dollars for one ticket, five for two, or twenty dollars for a string of tickets as long as the person's arm.
¹⁷

I felt so strange. I didn't know
anyone
there and now I have to walk around and be nice and try to sell them shit?

And then to make matters worse, Stephanie asked, “Do you want to meet Jocelyn?”

So I was like, “Who's Jocelyn?”

And Stephanie's like, “Taryn's older sister. She has Huntington's. She's the reason we're all here.”

And before I could say no to the
Second
Worst Invitation I've Ever Received, I said, “Sure, I'd love to.”

And then this weird woman started limping toward us.
¹⁸

And Stephanie waves her over and says, “Jocelyn, I want you to meet Harper. She's Becca's roommate and was kind enough to volunteer her time tonight.”

And then Jocelyn stuttered, “Thanks for v-v-volunteering.”
¹⁹

But I didn't say anything because I didn't know if I was supposed to respond to her or just wait for her to go away.

And then she reached out to shake my hand, but her hand was like quivering.
²⁰
It freaked me out, so I just kind of waved at her. And I could tell she felt bad that I didn't want to shake her hand, but it was like, “Stop trembling uncontrollably and
then
maybe I'll touch you.”
²¹

When Jocelyn finally walked away, Stephanie turned to me and said, “You were really rude to her. She's probably gonna die soon and you were just really rude.”

And then Stephanie walked away and left me there alone with my roll of raffle tickets.

That's when I started crying. At that moment, I became homesick for everything, not just my home, but everything in the past. I wished I was back at literally
any
other time in my past. Even the single worst day of my life
²²
was better than this one.

I ran backstage, looking for Slutnick because she was the only familiar thing in the whole place. But I couldn't find her anywhere. And the band was gearing up to go on stage.

I ran around the Rotting Tree looking for Slutnick, but I couldn't find her anywhere. So I ran to the bathroom, still crying, because I thought I had to puke. And I put my head over the toilet and gagged, but all that came out was a little thick white spit.

And with my forehead resting on the bowl, I heard the band start to play their shitty song, which was loud and fast and angry and the main girl just kept screaming, “I'm stuck inside, under your glass ceiling, stuck inside and I can't break out!”

And I was breathing fast and my heart was racing in time with their shitty song, as I tried to puke.

Then I ran outside for some fresh air
²³
and something took over inside me and I just decided to run home. I was still holding the big roll of raffle tickets but I just ran and ran and ran till I made it home.

And I was so miserable, I really couldn't take it anymore, so I decided to do something that I'd been thinking about doing for months.
²⁴

I should probably backtrack and tell you something else, which is that, over the summer, I was prescribed antidepressants, but I didn't start taking them because I was too scared. I didn't know what it would do to me or if I'd suddenly get totally fat or something. And it had a weird name, it was called Lexapro,
²⁵
so I never took them. But, just in case, I packed the bottle at the bottom of my suitcase and took it up to school with me.

But since I was so unbelievably upset, I decided that even getting fat wasn't worth feeling this shitty.

So I dug through my suitcase and found the bottle. And I took one of the little white pills out and stuffed it in the back of my mouth. And since I was crying so much, I still had a lot of tears and mucus in my mouth,
²⁶
so I was able to swallow the pill without water.

Then I took a deep breath, waiting to feel better, and curled up in my bed, over my covers, still in my clothes. And I tried to go to sleep, but the weirdest thing happened. I got really dizzy and I started shivering in bed. Like shaking. Uncontrollably.

And I immediately regretted taking the Lexapro and vowed to never take anything like that again because I'm really sensitive to medications and it was making me feel so weirded out.

And I thought I might actually die. Like I thought, “Oh. This is what it feels like before you die.”

And I felt so crazy, I was shaking on the bed like I was freezing even though I was sweating through my clothes. And my whole body was shivering and I started to wonder if this is what it was like to have Huntington's disease — to always feel like your body is not yours to control. And if this is how Jocelyn felt all the time. And then I kind of wished I
had
shaken her hand because I really wanted someone to touch me right now.

And I never thought I'd actually say this, but I started wishing Slutnick would come home.
²⁷

And I don't know how much time passed, but it felt like hours before I heard the door open and the distinct sound of Slutnick's thighs scraping together as she came in through the door.

The light was so harsh on my face, but I have never been more relieved. Slutnick said, “Harper?”

And I said, “Yeah?”

And she was like, “I was SO worried about you.”

And I said, “You were?” kind of surprised.

And she said, “We all were. You just ran out. Are you okay?”
²⁸

And I was shaking so hard that I did something I still can't believe. I said, “Can you come hold me?”

And Slutnick didn't say anything. She just walked to my bed, laid down, and put her arms around me.

I think she could see that I was crying so she said, “It's gonna be okay.”

And I was
this
close to calling her Slutnick, but I stopped myself just in time to say, “Thanks, Becca.”

And she said, “It's okay.”

And I asked, “Why are you being so nice to me?”

And Slutnick said, “We're sisters.”

And even though I thought it was weird to call me a “sister” because a) I'm not in the sorority with her, and b) we're
not two black women in a Harlem church choir, I started crying again. Because, for the first time since I got to this shithole of a school, I didn't feel totally homesick.

And I nuzzled my nose into Slutnick's rolls of stomach fat and thought, “There's nowhere else I'd rather be.”

And Slutnick hugged me tighter—a real, emotional hug. A hug that made me want to stay in her arms forever and totally change my life to be exactly like her. Because even though she's a fat fucking frizzy-haired bitch,
²⁹
sometimes you just need to be hugged.

I bet you thought I would end this letter with something bitchy or mean
³⁰
but I actually feel kind of okay for the moment.

I hope you do too, Miss Rita.

Love,
³¹

Harper Jablonski

1
. And I know you told me that I should see a guidance counselor on campus, but don't worry, I wouldn't do that to you. I guess you're stuck with me forever!

2
. Who you call “your roommate, Rebecca,” but who I will heretofore continue to refer to as The Slutnick. Haha.

3
. Which sounds a little dykey, but I know what you mean.

4
. Which I read four times in a row all the way through. Obsessed much?

5
. And bacne.

6
. Like how I equate you to Jesus??

7
. Because they're fucking dumb.

8
. Makes sense that the trees in St. Louis are rotting.

9
. Not surprising since this town is made up of total losers with nothing to do.

10
. Although still just as fat.

11
. Yup. Twenty white girls calling each other “sister” like they're singing backup at the Cotton Club.

12
. I probably contracted bacne.

13
. Just tell me if I get too weird. Sorry.

14
. Okay, now
I
sound dykey.

15
. So I knew she'd be mean (because she was dealt a bad hand—or bad
nose
! hehe—in life).