Breathless (98 page)

It was at that time that I grew tired of the conversation. Confrontations happened all the time, but it didn’t matter. They had stopped mattering when I lost my brother. It might’ve sounded cliché, but I no longer cared. It was all stupid and senseless.

I edged towards the end of the crowd that had formed and slipped around the corner. I flattened myself against the side of the concessions building and took a few deep breaths. None of it mattered. Nothing. There was more to life. I took a few more deep breaths and tried to calm myself down, but why were my hands still shaking? Why was my breathing so labored? Maybe it did matter?

“Hey.”

I calmed instantly and stopped.

Jesse was at the far end of the building. He stepped closer, but reeked of sweat. Then he took off his cap and shook out his sweaty hair. Droplets splattered on me and he grinned. “Sorry about that.”

I ducked my head to hide my grin. I shouldn’t have been so happy to see him.

Then he leaned an arm beside me. He gave me a cocky smirk. “You left real quick this afternoon.”

I jerked a shoulder up. My cheeks were still aflame.

Then he chuckled. “A guy who was more insecure might’ve thought he wasn’t good in bed.”

I choked out a laugh, but smothered it quickly. Then I rolled my eyes at him. “Are you serious?”

“Yeah.” He edged closer.

My smile wiped away. I saw he was. I stood straighter.

His mouth curved up in a grin, but it dipped down again. The smile was faulty. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah.”

He nodded and let out a breath in relief. “Good. That’s good.”

“Are you?”

“What?” He looked back up, surprised.

“Are you okay?”

Then he choked out a laugh. “Yeah, I’m okay. Why wouldn’t I be?”

“Because you feel.”

His hand caught my shirt and I closed my eyes. His hand was so close to me. Then it curved inwards and I was pulled closer. His hand touched the base of my neck and spread upward. He cupped my chin and lifted it so I looked in his eyes. He had moved even closer. Then he whispered as his lips brushed against mine, “I only feel with you.”

“I know.” My heart was racing. It pounded in every cell of my body. I was alive in his touch.

His eyes dipped to my lips.

Desire blasted within me. I grew wet between my legs.

He moved closer. I felt him press against me. He whispered again, “Ethan wouldn’t want this.”

I curved a hand up and around the back of his head. This time I was the one that held him in place and I anchored him to look in my eyes. When they snapped to mine, I breathed out, “He’s the reason for this.”

And then his lips were on mine. I surged against him and as I opened my mouth, I didn’t want to be anywhere else. When Jesse would leave, a part of me would go with him, but until then, I let myself go. I succumbed to him and it wasn’t long before he swept an arm around me and held me against him. We both knew where we would end that night.

Five

That was my last night with Jesse. He left for Grant West a few weeks later and I got ready for my senior year in school. It wasn’t the same as last year. So much time had passed. Last summer, I was still reeling from Ethan’s death. I was trying to figure out how to move on, to survive, but this year was a bit different. While I wasn’t trying to figure out how to exist, I was trying to figure out how to live. It might not have made sense to most people, but there was a difference between living and existing. I existed before. I was trying to live now.

As I walked into school on my first day as a senior, I couldn’t stop the sadness inside of me. Ethan had been a great senior; he had led where Jesse was supposed to take over. Then both of them were going to room together at the university they both would share. While he would never fulfill their promise to attend college together, Jesse fulfilled the plan of ruling his year being a senior. He stopped being my friend and staying at my home, he excelled where Ethan had left him behind. He took over in sports. He excelled in his studies and graduated as the valedictorian. And he received seven full scholarships because of his work.

After everything we’d been through, I realized now that Jesse had turned his emotions off. He didn’t want to feel that year and I didn’t blame him. I didn’t want to feel either. I still didn’t. But he had gone from a nice guy to a badass womanizer. Jesse had left our school with the reputation of a player, but after this past summer, I wasn’t sure if he had wanted that reputation.

Though we hadn’t talked much that last night, our time together hadn’t been just for intercourse. Even as a tingle spread throughout me, I recalled the night. We had made love. It had been slow. It had been tender. And when morning came, neither of us had wanted to see that first ray of sunlight. Even when we had, we both ignored it. I had stayed in his bed through my shift at the mall. His phone had gone off, but he ignored it as well. And then during that evening, I finally pulled myself from his bed.

I was the one that had left, but he hadn’t argued with me.

We’d stared at each other as the door closed, and then it had been done.

I took a deep breath as I had gone to my car. All of my body had been numb that evening. The feeling hadn’t left. It was still with me.

The sounds of lockers slamming penetrated it and I lifted my head.

Angie was there with Justin. They both lifted their hands in a wave, but went back to their cuddling. Marissa was at the end of the hallway, dressed in her cheerleading uniform for the football game that night. Eric wasn’t far away as he stood with his friends, most of who were on the football team. He wasn’t dressed in his jersey and it took me a moment to remember that he played basketball. He would’ve been on Jesse’s team.

As I went to my locker, both of my friends separated from their groups and headed towards me. A part of me felt bad. They shouldn’t have to stop their fun to make sure I was okay. And that was something I felt they’d been doing for over a year now.

“Hey!” Angie gave me a bright smile. She had her books in her hand and hugged them to her chest. “What class do you have first?”

“I don’t. It’s my free period.”

“Oh.” Her smile faltered. “I have college biology. I thought you were going to take that with me?”

I shook my head. “I took it last year.”

“You did?”

I nodded. “Yeah. I—uh—school was all I kinda focused on last year, you know.”

“Oh right. I forgot.” She blinked a few times and then nudged Marissa.

“So, hey!” She jumped forward. Her cheerleading skirt swished around her. “So I know it’s stupid that our first day of school is on a Friday, but there’s a party at Eric Nathan’s house tonight. Are you going?”

“Yeah.” Angie giggled. “No seniors from last year are around. They’re all long gone.”

“Yeah!” Marissa whooped. “We rule this school now. Hells yeah.” She bobbed her head. Her ponytail swished up and down and she did a little cheering motion as she did. All in all, I caught the looks from every male in our vicinity.

“Hey, uh,” I spoke up.

Both of their grins slid away and all attention was back on me.

I sighed. Was this how I wanted it? To take away their fun all the time? But I managed a smile and cleared my throat. “So I was wondering about Casey and her friends this year. I know they aren’t too happy with us.”

Marissa snorted. “Oh please. Let me handle her. It will be my pleasure, Alex. You just worry about being you, all perfect and beautiful. We mortals can only hope to be as perfect as you.”

My eyes went wide. Was she kidding? “Are you serious?”

Then she frowned and shrugged as she turned away.

I glanced at Angie. “You feel that way, too?”

Her eyes darted from me to Marissa before she let out a surrendering sigh. Her hands dropped to her sides and she gave me a helpless grin. “What do you want me to say? You’re not doing this to be mean, but you are kinda perfect. I get angry and I lash out. Marissa screws around with guys and does your dirty work.”

My mouth fell open. “I can’t believe I’m hearing this.”

Marissa rolled her eyes and looked back with a frustrated growl. Her black hair swung back and her cheerleading skirt swished around from her pent-up emotion. “Oh come on, Alex. You don’t say anything wrong. You don’t do anything wrong. You always look gorgeous. I mean, look at you. You’re tall, thin; you’ve got a nice ass and boobs. Ethan was drop dead gorgeous and you’re the female version of him, all dark eyes and full lips. I feel like you wake up and your skin naturally sparkles.”

Angie barked out a laugh. “And here I thought she woke up in the morning and little birds helped do her hair up.”

They shared another look of amusement. “And mice run in her dress while the birds drop it over her. And everything fits perfectly as her horse puts his head through the door’s window and has her hairbrush in his mouth.”

They dissolved into laughter, but I could only stand there in shock. Really? That was how they thought of me? A disgruntled rumble started in my stomach and I felt it rise up at an alarming rate. I was nauseous a second later and felt vomit in my throat. Did they not realize what they had lectured me on a month ago? But maybe they didn’t remember it. Maybe they had forgotten how Jesse only had to snap his finger and I was at his beck and call.

A shiver raced up my spine. He was gone. I wouldn’t see him, I didn’t know when or if I would see him again.

When the bell rang, Marissa and Angie stopped sharing Snow White jokes at my expense and sighed. Angie groaned. “God, here we go. First period, girls.”

Marissa wiped at her eye and sniffed. “Yeah, we can do it. It’s the beginning of our last year.”

I looked at them as if they’d both lost their heads.

They rolled their eyes at my expression. Angie headed out first with a grin, “I’m off to college biology. See you two later.”

Two other cheerleaders whisked Marissa away before either of us could reply, but as I watched them, I was happy for them. Justin held his arm out for Angie as she came to his side, and the two of them walked together down the hallway. On the other end of the hallway was Marissa. Half of her friends seemed to bounce in excitement down the hallway while the other half, like her, seemed to sexily stalk down the hallway. Guys turned and watched their group. From the hidden smirks and winks, Marissa’s friends were fully aware of the power they had over the male population.

“Hi!”

I jumped out of my skin as I whirled around. Then I patted my chest and tried to regain my breath as I saw Eric there. He had a small grin that matched the whites in his blue eyes, which were warm as he looked down at me.

“Hi.”

“What class do you have?”

“I have a free period now.”

“So…”

“So, probably the library. Why?”

“Oh.” He bobbed his head in approval. “A bunch of us are headed to the cafeteria. Its way easier to work and stuff there, plus there’s the vending machines too. We can’t snack in the library. Or talk. You wanna come? It’d be fun to talk.”

“Talk?”

“Yeah. Talk. You know, see how your summer went and everything. I was looking for you at a bunch of the parties this last month, but I didn’t see you. Were you sick?”

“Oh no.” Jesse had been at those parties. “Nothing like that.” I hadn’t wanted to prolong the goodbye or worse.

“Oh. Okay.” He scratched his head. When one of the football players shouted his name, he flashed them a grin. “So do you want to come? It’d be fun. Chester was in Mississippi all summer and I guess he’s got some doozies for stories.”

“Uh.” I was lost. Did I want to talk? Did that stand for more? And then I shook my head at myself. I needed to relax. “Yeah. I’ll come to talk.”

His smile froze for a moment, but then he doubled its brightness. “Good. That’s awesome. I’ll buy you a soda even.”

I laughed at myself. Oh dear. Look at me, so tense at getting a soda from someone. I was an idiot. “Thanks. I’ll get the next time.”

Eric laughed beside me as we turned for the cafeteria. “Sounds great. Think of it as a date.” And he winked at me before he opened the door over my head and I passed under his arm.

As I went through, something flooded me. It felt good, relaxing. It felt right; my chest loosened a little bit. I could breathe easier. And then I watched in horror where Eric sat. He tossed his bag to one empty stool and hopped on the other one. As he rested his forearms on the table, his smile seemed contagious to the people across from him. One of them, as my heart skipped a beat, was Jesse’s ex-girlfriend, Sarah Shastaine.

She gave Eric a shy smile and then tucked a strand of her soft blonde hair back. When he turned and motioned for me to join them, she turned as well. The same horror was in her eyes. I saw it for a split second before she turned away, but it was enough. Hurt, fear, longing, and another emotion all flashed over her face. My chest was so tight again.

Sarah Shastaine was perfect. Angie and Marissa might’ve given me grief about being perfect, but she was the real deal. She was petite with a heart shaped face. She was nice. She was popular. So many guys lined up to date her and I heard one of them groan to his buddies. They wanted to scoop her up and shield her from the world. There was something fallen in her demeanor.

Had Jesse done that? Had he hurt her that much?

Had he broken her? Tears came to my eyes, but I held them at bay. Was he going to do the same to me? But that was preposterous. I hadn’t seen him in a month. I didn’t know the next time I would see him.

“Come on, Alex!” Eric gestured to me again. His smile seemed so genuine.

I was the worst person in the world.

As I sat, Sarah peeked up and gave me a cautious wave. “Hi, Alexandra.”

“Sarah.” My tone was equally as cautious. What was she going to say?

Then she cleared her throat. It was so soft and dainty sounding. All the bigger guys in the room positioned themselves towards our table. I knew they wanted to protect her still.

Her eyes were downcast as she played with her notebook. “How’s Jesse doing?”

From the slight hitch in her tone, I wanted to recoil backwards. She was still in love with him. I knew it. I was horrible. My voice came out raspy, “He’s…okay.”