Broken (38 page)

There was a general muttering through the class as the majority agreed with her and jealously watched Max get up and fetch his bag. Mattie went back over to the door and waited till Max joined her.

‘Thanks,' she said to Mrs Hope as she backed out. As soon as the door was closed, she smiled down at Max. ‘Well?'

‘Are you getting us early coz of Dad?'

‘Absolutely. And I'm so sorry about yesterday. I know I promised you that I'd be here and, Max, I was. But you'd already left.'

‘He said you had other things to do. That you asked him to get us. But I didn't believe it.'

‘Quite right,' replied Mattie shortly. Then she glanced nervously up the corridor. ‘Come on, let's get Courtney and go home.'

They walked down to the end of the corridor where the prep classroom was situated next to the outside doors. Mattie knocked on the door and, after a long minute, it was opened by Miss Thomson.

‘Ah, Mrs Hampton. Can I help you?'

Mattie handed her the early slip. ‘I'm picking up Courtney early.'

‘Oh, what a shame. She's just having a lovely time cutting out magazines.'

‘Sorry,' said Mattie ineffectually.

‘Courtney!' Miss Thomson called from the door, without moving. ‘Mummy's here to collect you.'

‘Don't wanna go!' Courtney could be heard clearly from within the classroom.

‘I'm afraid you have to. You have a doctor's appointment. Now get your bag. Georgia can put away your material as well when she tidies.' Miss Thomson gave Mattie a tight smile. ‘She'll be out in a minute.'

Mattie watched the door close in her face. ‘I hate that woman.'

‘Me too.' Max smiled up at her.

‘God! I forgot you were there,' Mattie grimaced. ‘Forget I said anything.'

The door opened and Courtney came out with a huge frown on her face. ‘I don't
wanna
go! I was having fun! Why do I need to go to the doctor's anyway?'

‘Sorry' Mattie bent and kissed the top of her head. ‘Now come on, let's get home. I'll explain later.'

She quickly led the two children through the outside doors near Courtney's classroom and across the school grounds, with Courtney running to catch up. Once at the car, Mattie made herself slow down, aware that she was infecting Max with her nervousness. But she didn't start to relax until they had driven away from the school, and she refused to let herself embrace her victory until she had ushered both children through the front door and locked it behind them. She'd done it. She had them.

‘So why'd we have to come home?' Courtney was still frowning.

‘Can we have hot chocolate?' asked Max.

‘Certainly.' Mattie grinned at him, feeling almost weightless with relief. ‘And I'll explain while I'm making it. Put your bags away and then come in the kitchen.'

Mattie put the kettle on. While she was waiting, she looked outside and remembered, with a shake of her head, how simple everything had seemed only a few days ago, when she'd looked at the rain-drenched yard and fancied she could just rinse everything clean and start again. How deluded she'd been.

Max and Courtney came into the kitchen just as the kettle boiled so Mattie put together their hot chocolates while they sat at the table expectantly. She passed them across and then leant with her back against the bench, chewing her lip pensively. How much should she tell them? How should she start?

‘Why were you so busy you couldn't have us this week?' asked Courtney, hot chocolate beaded along her upper lip. ‘That was a bit mean, you know.'

‘I wasn't,' said Mattie, glad that Courtney had started the ball rolling. ‘And that's what I wanted to talk to you about.'

‘Daddy said you was.'

‘Well, I wasn't. Now, look, your Dad and I are going through some things right now that aren't very pleasant. And I'm really sorry but it looks like you two are going to be dragged in the middle for a while. All I can say is that it
will
get better.'

‘How d'you know?' asked Max.

‘Um, well, things like this always start off rocky and then calm down.'

‘Dad says things'll always be crappy till you come to your senses,' commented Courtney, staring into her hot chocolate. ‘How come we don't have ice-cream?'

‘Ice-cream?' repeated Mattie, still stuck on the comment about her senses. ‘Hang on, I'll get you some. Did he say anything else?'

‘No. Can I have a big scoop?'

Mattie plopped a large scoop of ice-cream into Courtney's mug and then did the same with Max's. She put the ice-cream away in the freezer
and turned back to the children. ‘Do you know what he meant by coming to my senses?'

‘He means when you come back home,' said Max softly, staring at his mother.

‘Oh, I see.'

‘Are you gonna go back home?' asked Courtney curiously.

Mattie looked from her to Max. ‘No. Definitely not.'

‘Good,' said Courtney. ‘I hate it when you fight.'

‘Me too.' Mattie smiled at her gently. ‘Which is why that's all finished. And what's more, you know how I've been staying with Dad on Thursday nights and he was staying here on Sundays? Well, that won't be happening either. We're breaking up for good.'

Both children greeted this announcement with silence. They stared at her as if waiting for more. After a few moments of this, Mattie started to feel uncomfortable. ‘It'll be okay, you know.'

‘Will you get another husband?' asked Max suddenly, staring down into his drink.

‘No.' Mattie was rather stunned at the question. She tried to imagine herself with someone else and failed. ‘I want to be by myself. And I promise that even if I did
meet
someone, which I don't think I will, that I'll make sure you both like him before I go out with him. Okay?'

‘I won't like him,' announced Courtney decisively.

‘No problem.' Mattie smiled. ‘I'll keep that in mind.'

‘So will we be going home early again tomorrow?' Max looked up at her.

‘To be honest, I haven't even thought past today.' Mattie scratched her head tiredly. ‘But it'll sort itself out in time, because what I did today was go down to the family court – that's where a judge works out what's best for families who break up – and I applied for the judge to put down on paper what days you're with me and what days you're with Dad. And then it'll all be legal, and can't be changed.'

‘So Dad won't be able to pick us up on your days?' asked Max hopefully.

‘That's right. Unless I've agreed, like we've made a swap or something.'

‘Good.'

‘Yeah.' Courtney frowned. ‘I'm sick of getting picked up early. I hate it.'

Max grinned. ‘I like
that
bit.'

‘Now, one last thing,' Mattie said, looking at them sternly, ‘until this all sorts itself out, I don't want either of you to answer the door. If someone knocks, just call me. Okay?'

‘Why? Do you think Dad'll come?' Max's eyes widened and he glanced towards the kitchen doorway.

‘Of course not . . . well, maybe. I'm just playing it safe.'

The two children fell silent, concentrating on their hot chocolates. They reached the bottom of the mugs and started slurping so Mattie passed them a spoon each, which they used to scoop up the remaining ice-cream.

When she finished, Courtney sighed happily. ‘Can I go watch TV?'

‘Sure.' Mattie nodded as she put the empty mug in the sink. Max stood up too, glancing across at his mother. Concern darkened his eyes and Mattie's heart tightened. She put her arms around him and gave him a hug. ‘It'll be fine. I promise.'

‘Okay.' Max pulled back just as Courtney flung herself into the hug. Mattie squeezed her fiercely, lifting her up high and then putting her back down again.

‘So you two go watch some TV and I'll see if I can find something for tea later.'

Mattie watched them leave. Two such different children, but both equally vulnerable in their own way. Why couldn't Jake see that? Why couldn't he recognise the damage he was doing to the two people that he probably loved most in the whole world? And what was she to do now? She'd only thought up to the point where she got them home, with her, and not about what might happen afterwards. What would happen tomorrow? Would she need to collect them early again? Then Thursday became Jake's day, again, but seeing as she'd only had them twice for her turn, fairness dictated she should have them the next two nights as well. But she already knew that, although he might let today go without responding, there was no way he would sit back and let her
keep them. The whole point had been to flex his muscles, so any sudden show of strength by her would be met with stiff, aggressive opposition.

A car could be heard turning into the driveway and Mattie's eyes widened. She ran over to the kitchen doorway and peered around the corner, through the open curtains. But the car was a red Subaru 4WD and it continued on past her unit towards the rear. Mattie let her breath out, and then glanced down at the children, who were lying on the carpet by the television. Max met her eyes, and she knew he had been thinking the same thing. With the same fear.

Mattie gave him a reassuring smile and returned to the kitchen where she sat down at the table, staring blankly towards the window. A possible twenty-eight days until the interim order was heard. Almost a month. And one thing was for sure, they couldn't go on like this. But, then again, she couldn't see any choice.

 

M
attie often thought it odd that even severe physical trauma, like the time she broke two ribs and bruised her kidneys, paled as it aged within her memory, while the emotional stuff seemed to stay fresh forever. All the name-calling, the derision, the humiliation and degradation were like whips across her soul, leaving open wounds that festered continually and never seemed to heal
.

So while the bruises faded, the hair regrew and the ribs mended, the psychological damage permanently scarred her, making her question her decisions, her abilities, her reactions, and her choices. Everything. And knowing that most of the accusations levelled at her – like whore, or bad mother, or lousy lay – were untrue made little difference. Because, over time, they still undermined her confidence and her self-esteem, so that when she was at a function and another man approached her, or when she was called upon to settle something with the kids, or when she and Jake were making love, her insecurities made her awkward. And she would end up looking guilty, or inefficient, or inept, and the next time they had an argument, Jake would have substantiation for his venom
.

At other times he'd tell her, in a voice almost solicitous, that she was not quite sane: ‘Don't you feel that you're just a little unstable? Other people sense it, you know. I think you need help. Professional help.' And it was like Chinese water torture, where if it was said often enough, or sympathetically enough, it would start to shadow her confidence and make her second-guess the most simple decisions. And then he would hold her and sigh regretfully as he said, ‘See what I mean, Mattie? But never mind, I'm here for you. I'll
always
be here for you
.'

M
attie woke early the following morning, after a bad night's sleep in which she'd spent a great deal of time staring at the darkened ceiling and trying, desperately, to switch her mind off. The strange thing, to Mattie, was that for the two nights the children were at Jake's when they should have been here, she'd slept reasonably well. Yet the night she had them back and knew they were safely tucked up in the next room, she couldn't sleep. Like everything else that was happening, it made little sense.

So when she woke at six o'clock and glanced at the bedside clock, Mattie was frustrated to see that she'd only slept for a few hours overall, and she would have to drag herself through the day feeling tired on top of everything else. But she also knew that there was no chance of her going back to sleep. She was instantly wide awake, with her mind already churning.

By seven o'clock, Mattie decided the game they were playing was more like trying to solve Max's horrid Rubik's cube – you had to twist everything in order to make one side come out right, only to turn it over and find every other facet was still a confused jumble. And the side you'd worked on for so long would have to be destroyed in order to concentrate on the other ones. Everything affected everything else, and nothing came easily She was quite pleased with that analogy, and thought perhaps it would help her see things clearly Instead of an impossible task, it would simply take practice to master. Mattie rolled
over, wrapping her arms around her spare pillow, and then Courtney screamed.

‘Mummy!
Mummy
!'

Mattie leapt from the bed and flew out of the room in her oversized t-shirt and bare feet, racing down the passage into the lounge-room. Even in her panic she adjusted her feet to take the three steps and, for some reason, that angered her. She burst into the kitchen, expecting to see – something. But Courtney seemed fine. She was standing by the bench wide-eyed and pointing at a dark mound on the table.

‘Mummy!
Look
!'

Mattie, her heart already regulating itself with relief, followed Courtney's finger and looked towards the object. She took a step closer, frowning.

‘It's a yucky dead bird!'

It
was
a dead bird. A magpie by the looks of it, with one black and white wing tucked underneath itself and the other spread out, as if pointing towards the phone. There was no blood but the head was bent back at an angle that suggested its neck had been broken. One dull black eye gazing sightlessly up towards the ceiling. Mattie gaped at it, absolutely dumbfounded.

Max came in and walked up to the table, staring. ‘Is it dead?'