Broken Man (17 page)

“No, that’s okay, Jack,” Delaney sounded pleased. “Dad said he would drop us off, and then maybe we can have breakfast and you can take us home. Would 10:00 be okay?”

“That sounds fine, Delaney,” he suddenly understood what he had to do. “I will see you then.”

“Sounds good, Jack. I love you.”

“I love you, too, Delaney,” he responded as he hung up the phone and looked for the nearest exit to turn around.

* * *

Amanda looked out at the mass of people in the outdoor amphitheater celebrating the success of their loved ones, their day of accomplishment finally here.

She watched at students flooded off of the stage and hugged their parents, their brother and sisters, their grandparents, even their friends.

It was nice, Amanda thought to herself as she looked down at her degree that now meant so little, nice to have people to hug, people who love you.

“We finally did it,” Sue grabbed her arm and pulled her in for a hug. “I never thought we would get there.”

“I didn’t either,” Amanda offered a smile, happy to have a friend. “I am so proud of you, Sue. We got through this together.”

“We did, honey,” she smiled as Amanda remembered the day they had met as undergrads. “Who else goes to the same school for their Undergrad, Masters, and Doctorate.”

“Only fools like us who can’t afford anything else and don’t know any better,” she managed to laugh. “Seriously, Sue, I appreciate you being there for me. You’ve been a great friend and I couldn’t have done it without you.”

“Same for me, Amanda,” she hugged her again. “Why don’t you reconsider and come on over to the house. I’ll even introduce you to a couple of my cousins.”

“That sounds too good to be true,” she returned Sue’s tease but realized she wasn’t in the proper mood for a raucous afternoon with Sue’s extended Italian family. “Maybe I’ll take you up on it next time.”

“Amanda, are you sure. Why don’t you just stay over tonight, you can leave tomorrow.”

“Thanks, Sue,” she appreciated the generosity of her friend. “But, I am honestly just ready to leave. Do you understand?”

“I do, honey,” she looked at her with kindness. “Promise me you will be careful and that you will call when you get settled.”

“I promise,” Amanda smiled as she gave Sue one last hug. “Tell your family I said hi and sorry I couldn’t make it. I love you.”

“I love you too,” she replied awkwardly as she spotted her family celebrating just off stage. “I better get down there before they get out of control.”

“Go ahead, Sue, I’ll be fine. Have a good time.”

“I will,” she smiled back at her as she left the stage. “Don’t forget to call me.”

“I won’t,” Amanda replied as she realized that once again, she was alone.

* * *

I’m too late, Jack thought to himself as he arrived at the amphitheater and watched as a happy mob celebrated a milestone. I am never going to find her in this crowd.

He scanned the throng of people and still couldn’t find her, his eyes drawn to the massive party going on below the stage. Where is she, he thought to himself as he worried she had already left, no one to talk to, no one to celebrate with.

And then, he saw her, his eyes unable to miss the solitary figure on stage, elegant in her white gown. I am glad I came back, Jack thought to himself as he watched her sit down on a folding chair. She shouldn’t be alone today.

As he worked his way through the crowd, Jack kept his eyes on Amanda, making sure he didn’t lose her. What am I going to say after last night, he asked himself, his last second decision to attend not allowing time to prepare. Just be honest, he decided, just try to talk like normal people, like the way they used to talk before all this happened.

As he was halfway to the stage, he saw her stand up and turn to leave the back of the stage.
Don’t leave now, I am almost there.

“Amanda, Amanda,” he screamed in panic as she walked away.

But, she couldn’t hear him above the crowd, and as Jack aggressively pushed his way to the stage, his head told him what his heart was already feeling.

Don’t leave, Amanda. It can’t end this way.

* * *

Amanda stood up to leave the stage, having stayed for a couple minutes longer than she intended, holding on to one final hope that he might show up.

But, he hadn’t, and it was time for her to accept her fate and move on with her life. She was never going to find love, and it was time to find happiness in other things, her work, her friends, her accomplishments. As she walked off the back of the stage, she tried to focus on the positives, but felt the tears roll down her face as she realized this day of celebration had turned into one of the worst days of her life.

Why had he even come by the night before? What was he trying to prove? That he didn’t love her, that he had broken her heart for good, that she would remember him for the rest of her life.

She had still retained hope until she heard those final words emanating from his mouth. Why had she allowed herself to think that this time would be different? Why had she allowed herself to become so attached to him? Was she ever going to learn?

I am so in love with him, she again remembered why this time was different. The way that I feel about him, even now, is indescribable. I can’t believe we are not going to be together, that I am never going to see him again, Amanda felt the pain surge through her body. Why can’t he just talk to me, I know we can work everything out, she again heard herself crying.

I need to get out of here, Amanda picked up the pace as she walked towards her car. I am going to remember him for the rest of my life, she realized as she recalled running out of the poker room the night before, her manager not having the heart to discipline her after seeing her tears, instead sending her home early on her last night. I will never forget the way he made me feel, the way that he loved me, the way that he hurt me

Amanda finally got to her car, and immediately wished she had packed the last of her things before she left that morning. She didn’t want to go back to that apartment, to the memories of being so close, to the memories of feeling so alone. Just get me out of here, she thought as she opened her door.

* * *

“Amanda,” Jack called to her as he watched her open the door to her car.

“Jack,” she turned to him in shock as he finally caught up to her.

“I’m sorry I missed your graduation,” he tried to lighten the mood by smiling at her. “Last second change of plans.”

“That’s okay,” she looked reluctant to give him a chance and he could tell she was trying not to cry. “I’m glad you made it.”

“Look, don’t get mad at me, but I am sorry about last night. That was unfair of me to do, especially at work. Do you think we can go somewhere and just sit down and talk.”

He watched as she considered his proposal, apparently unwilling to be hurt again. Please give me another chance, he thought as she decided his fate, I need to make this right.

“I think that will be okay,” she finally provided him some relief. “Why don’t you follow me back to my apartment so I can drop off my car. I will meet you outside.”

“Thanks, Amanda,” he smiled as he held her hand as she got into her car. “I’ll pick you up in twenty minutes.”

* * *

Amanda made sure to beat Jack back to the apartment, thankful to avoid the awkwardness of him coming up and the memories that would surely make her emotional.

She quickly checked her hair and makeup in the mirror as she considered changing her summer dress. What was the rule about white again, she asked herself, not before Memorial Day and not after Labor Day. I don’t care, she decided as she grabbed her purse and headed out the door.

This is your last chance, she refused to give up although all signs indicated she should. She knew he was just trying to make amends one more time, the gentleman in him not able to leave after the night before. He had not given any indications that this meeting meant anything else.

Don’t get emotional, she reminded herself as she walked outside. You have said your peace, he knows where you stand. It is his turn to talk, his turn to try to salvage something out if this relationship. It is your turn to listen. This is going to be hard, she realized as she watched him pull up in front of the building.

This is going to be the most important conversation of my life.

Chapter Eighteen

Jack was grateful for the first warm day of the spring as they sat at a outdoor boardwalk cafe, the late afternoon breeze gently billowing through her hair, the setting sun glowing on her skin.

He watched as she sipped her Chardonnay and smiled at him, a stunning contrast from the night before, the wine making her a little bit tipsy. Maybe this second bottle of wine will help, Jack thought to himself as he admired the glitter of her eyes as she waited for his next topic of conversation. She is so beautiful, yet so far silent, and she is definitely leaving it up to me to set the course for the evening, for their relationship, for their future.

Where are you going to start, Jack, the small talk is over. You’ve had dinner, you’ve talked about poker, the weather, baseball, graduation, her plans for the future, you can’t dodge the subject any longer. She is leaving whether you like it or not, and you have this one final chance to leave on good terms.

“Amanda,” he tried to find an entry point. “I know I screwed things up, and I know you don’t understand, but I really hope we can remain friends in the future,” he started so pathetically he wished he could rewind. “What I am trying to say is that while I am not ready for a relationship, I truly value our friendship and don’t want to lose that.”

The deafening silence of her response told him he needed to do better.

Jack fidgeted in his chair as he took another sip of wine and looked down at his empty plate. “Let’s just say I do have feelings for you,” he tried a little little harder as he again looked at her for a reaction. “And, let’s assume you also have feelings for me. Don’t you think we need to give it some more time to see if it is real, to see if it will last. Couldn’t we be feeling this way because we were both going through a difficult time in our lives and were both looking for something to give us comfort, to make us feel better.”

More silence.

Jack smiled as tried to regroup, tried to find some kind of logic. This isn’t easy, he thought to himself as he prepared his next argument.

“Look, Amanda,” he finally had to be honest. “I admit to having feelings for you, and I am so sorry for what I said. Do you think we can just give it a little time, and maybe in a couple months when you establish yourself and I get back in my routine, maybe then we can give it another chance.”

“That might work, Jack,” she finally responded as he made a breakthrough.

“Thank you, Amanda,” he smiled as he again tried to lighten the mood. “I didn’t think you could speak anymore.”

“I didn’t think you could say anything intelligent anymore,” she retorted. “You know what I like about you, Jack. You are the only person I know who is more screwed up than me.”

“Well, thanks, I guess,” he smiled at her insult. “So, we are all set then.”

“We are not nearly set, Jack,” she smiled but didn’t let him off the hook that easily. “We have much more to talk about before I leave, and if you think getting me drunk is going to get you out of it, you are kidding yourself.”

“Guilty as charged,” he smiled at her sense of humor, pleased to be friends again. “So, what do you want to do.”

“Well, I think I have had enough wine, but my coffee pot isn’t packed yet. Let’s go back to my apartment to have some coffee and finish this conversation. Then, if you are lucky, I will let you help me finish packing the car, and we can exchange numbers and be on our way,” she teased him again.

“Sounds like a plan,” he enjoyed her teasing as he paid the bill.

* * *

So far, so good, Amanda thought to herself as she opened the door to her apartment.

At least he is trying, she smiled at the awkwardness of their conversation on the boardwalk. At least he had finally acknowledged having feelings for her. I need to stick with this strategy and let him lead the conversation. Don’t let your emotions throw it off course, she reminded herself as she closed the door behind them and they were suddenly alone in her apartment.

“Amanda, what happened, all of your stuff is gone,” his voice echoed in the emptiness of her apartment.

“I told you I was leaving today, Jack. Didn’t you believe me.”

“Of course I believed you,” he smiled as he sat down on the edge of her bed. “I just didn’t think you would have everything done so quickly.”

“Early bird gets the worm,” she replied as she filled up the coffee pot in the sink. “After I finished presenting my thesis on Tuesday, school was more or less done. So, I pretty much put everything into storage and got ready to go.”

“Doesn’t it make you sad at all,” he looked at her for a reaction. “Leaving so quickly after having lived here your entire life.”

“Haven’t really thought about it too much,” she replied as she turned the coffee pot on. “My mind has been on other things.”