Broken Man (6 page)

“I guess I do, Jack, but that doesn’t make it any better, and starting now, I am going to talk about Mom whenever I want and I am going to talk to you. The accident wasn’t your fault and Dad needs to stop blaming you. I also know that Mom would have wanted you to be in me and Bailey’s lives, and I am so sorry I haven’t seen you in the last year, but I was just doing what Dad wanted. I am not going to do that anymore.”

Jack could hear Delaney getting emotional again as she asserted her independence, and wasn’t sure what to say. So, he did what he thought was best and said exactly what he was thinking.

“Do you know how much you remind me of your mother?”

“Do you really think so, Jack?”

“You are exactly like her, and every time I talk to you, you remind me of her more and more,” Jack smiled.

“That is so nice,” she paused to gather her thoughts. “Sometimes, I start to forget what she was like, even what she looked like, and I never want that to happen. But then, I pull out my pictures and put in a video and I see her again, and I remember how beautiful she was and how much she loved me and Bailey.”

“She did love you and Bailey more than anything, and if either of you need to remember what your mother was like, you just need to look in the mirror. Her imprint is all over both of you, and she would be so proud to see how you and Bailey are growing up,” Jack paused as he remembered the way he felt seeing the the three of them together. “The two of you were always the first thing on her mind and I was always amazed at how connected the three of you were, it was almost as if you were a single unit.”

“Thanks, Jack. You know, she loved you too and I had never seen her as happy as she was during that last year. I am glad I was finally old enough to be able to talk to her about things, and she told me how she felt about you, how you made her feel, and what it feels like to be in love.”

“That means a lot to me,” Jack managed to hold back the tears.

“She really didn’t need to say anything. I could tell how much she loved you just by the way she looked at you and the way you looked at her.”

Jack didn’t want to cry, knowing that he was supposed to be the strong one, that he was supposed to be the adult. But, he knew that if he said anything, the tears were going to start.

“You still there, Jack?”

“I am here, Delaney,” he somehow managed to regain his composure. “I am glad you called tonight. To be honest with you, I wasn’t doing well and I am afraid that I broke our deal. But, your phone call helped, and I think we should both concentrate on doing our best to keep our deal in the new year.”

“I agree. But, I meant what I said about talking about her and about talking to you,” she replied with her mother’s stubbornness.

“That is fine, Delaney. But like I said, try to take it slowly with your father.”

“I will, Jack, I have to get going. Happy New Year.”

“Happy New Year to you also, honey. Give Bailey my love.”

“I will, talk to you soon. I love you.”

“I love you too, Delaney,” Jack replied as he watched the clock turn to midnight, the worst year of his life finally coming to end.

Chapter Five

The knocking on the door woke Amanda early on New Year’s Day, her plan to sleep in on her day off suddenly shelved. As she rolled over and saw 8:12 on her alarm clock, she couldn’t believe Mrs. Wilson had picked this morning to surprise her with her monthly coffee and donut visit.

“Just a second,” she hollered as she got out of bed and looked around for something to wear.

As she fumbled to tie her robe and opened the door to greet Mrs. Wilson, Amanda was immediately surprised to see two policemen in full uniform, but instinctively knew what they were going to say.

“Amanda Lee,” the heavier officer inquired.

“Yes,” she answered, the conversation fresh in her mind even though it was one she had never actually had.

“We regret to inform you that your mother, Donna Lee, passed away early this morning,” he said uncomfortably and waited for a reaction.

Amanda suddenly found herself absent from her body for a second, watching a movie she had seen many times in her mind. Realizing that this moment wasn’t a scene from a film, Amanda decided to follow the script anyway.

“I am sorry to hear that,” she replied calmly and without surprise. “Tell me what happened.”

“It appears to be an overdose,” the officer speculated, seemingly relieved at Amanda’s lack of reaction. “Someone dropped her off in front of the hospital, and although Doctors tried to revive her, it was too late.”

“What do you need me to do?”

“We need you to come down to Atlantic City General to identify the body. They will call you to set up an appointment, but if you have any questions, you can call this number,” the skinnier officer chimed in and handed her a card.

“I will do that. Thank you, officers, for letting me know,” she replied without emotion as she accepted the card and closed the door, her thoughts turning immediately to her mother.

* * *

Amanda’s mother, Donna, was born in Cape May, New Jersey, the only child of an upper middle class couple. Her father, Glen, served as the Superintendent of Schools for Cape May County, and met Donna’s mother, Marilyn, when, just out of college, she took a job as an Art Teacher at Ocean Elementary.

Their relationship created somewhat of a scandal in the small town, the Superintendent of Schools dating a beautiful Teacher, nearly twenty years his junior. But soon, the talk died down when Glen and Marilyn married and Marilyn left her job at the school behind. After a year of marriage, she became pregnant, and nine months later, gave birth to a precious daughter, Donna.

Donna had an ideal childhood, the only child of a loving couple, well nurtured and educated, pretty and popular. She cruised through the school years, always looking forward to summers at the beach, and her parents overlooked her lack of discipline and tendency to get in trouble as a child, providing unconditional love and support while unwittingly enabling the behavior to continue.

High school brought more of the same. Lots of attention from boys, little attention to school work, plenty of keg parties on the beach, and an unplanned pregnancy that somehow Donna handled on her own, never mentioning it to her naive parents.

She managed to graduate in the middle of the pack, her good looks and charm earning her homecoming queen honors and passing grades. After High School, she attended Cape May Community College with her best friend, Charlene, a half-hearted attempt to appease her parents, to whom education was very important. But, college was never really in her plans, and she and Charlene took waitressing jobs to save money for their grand plan, a move to the bright lights of Atlantic City.

Atlantic City, New Jersey. Once the oceanside playground of the rich and famous, then a seaside ghost town revitalized by the legalization of gambling in the late seventies. By the early eighties, the city was in full swing, boosted by a recovering economy and the novelty of the over the top casinos, again a weekend getaway for the beautiful people.

Donna and Charlene finally made their move to the City when they turned twenty-one and became eligible to work at the casinos. They signed a lease on an apartment, got jobs cocktail waitressing at a casino, and started to party with all the right people and sleep with all the right men. They thought their time had finally arrived and that they would take over the town, but in reality, they were just chum in the water for the hungry, predatory sharks. Soon, they were all used up and the predators moved on to fresher bait, leaving the carcasses of Donna and Charlene for smaller fish to feed on.

Charlene soon realized her mistake, and after a year, returned to Cape May to move on with her life. But, Donna was both stubborn and beautiful, and had caught the eye of one more man, an Eye Surgeon from New York named Richard. Determined to make him the one, she moved into an apartment he provided, a pampered woman at the age of twenty two, no longer required to work. Hoping to make the relationship permanent, Donna soon became pregnant with Amanda, and just before she started to show, coldly attempted to barter this unwanted blessing for marriage and security.

But, there was only one problem. Richard was already married, a piece of information he conveniently shared when Donna finally began to lose her figure after six months of pregnancy. Too late for another termination, Richard traded a small house on the outskirts of town and five hundred dollars a month for a return to his family and Donna’s silence on the matter.

Amanda was brought into the world on a beautiful autumn day in October, the daughter of a self-indulgent mother incapable of love and a father she would never meet. Fortunately for Amanda, fate soon intervened, and the unfortunate passing of her grandfather during the holidays just after her birth would provide her with the love and nurturing she otherwise wouldn’t have had.

Amanda’s grandmother moved to the house in Atlantic City immediately following her husband’s sudden death, ostensibly needing the care of her daughter, but realistically knowing that her granddaughter needed her love and guidance. Marilyn had learned from her mistakes raising Donna, and while still the loving, nurturing Artist of the love generation, gone was the permissiveness that had shaped the selfish, narcissistic woman her daughter had become.

Amanda enjoyed a pleasant childhood close to the beach, surrounded by the paintings and the love of her grandmother, shielded from the hardness of her mother and the leers of the increasingly undesirable men she would occasionally bring to the house. Her grandmother laughed and played with her while at the same time stressing to her the importance of education and self responsibility, lessons her own daughter had never learned.

The cancer was sudden, yet gradual, and Amanda was able to absorb the final lessons from her grandmother while watching her body gradually deteriorate. It was heart breaking to watch the colorful bandanas that protected her naked head from the cold soon give way to winter hats and then finally, to hospital caps, her body no longer strong enough to stay at home.

She made it it until just after Amanda turned twelve, their last time together spent on her birthday, a conversation that Amanda would never forget.

“Happy Birthday, Amanda,” her grandmother smiled through the pain, a picture of hopeful sadness connected to tubes and machines. “Come over here and sit with me.”

“Hi, Grandma,” she replied shyly as she sat on the edge of the bed, not sure how to handle her sickness. “How are you feeling.”

“I’m doing okay, honey. The Doctors have given me plenty of medicine to make me feel comfortable. But, enough about me. How are you? How is school going?”

“It’s going okay, Grandma. But, I miss you,” Amanda started to cry. “When are you coming home?”

“Honey, listen to me. I have to be honest with you,” her grandmother paused as she took Amanda’s hand and looked into her eyes. “I am not going to make it home this time. But, don’t be sad. I have accomplished everything I set out to do in life, and raising you has erased any regrets I may have had with regard to your mother. You are twelve years old now, a wonderful young woman, and I am so proud of you. I know you are going to be okay, and I know you will be successful no matter what you do. Just remember what I taught you, and know that wherever you are, I will be there with you.”

“Grandma, you can’t leave,” Amanda cried and laid her head on her chest. “I need you.”

“Amanda,” her grandmother’s voice broke as she stroked her hair. “I would give anything to stay with you, but my body just will not allow it anymore. I need you to be brave for me, and promise me you will always remember what I have taught you. I love you, honey.”

“I love you too, Grandma,” Amanda finally accepted her fate. “I am so thankful for everything you have taught me, and I promise that I will never forget you.”

“I know you won’t, honey,” her grandmother pulled her in close and whispered one final request into Amanda’s ear.

* * *

After her grandmother’s death, Amanda’s mother gradually fell apart.

It started slowly, her mother staying out drinking more often after work, trying desperately to find a man to care for her as she reached her mid-thirties, her looks starting to fade. No longer subject to the disapproving presence of Marilyn, Donna gave up any pretense of being a good mother, coming and going as she wanted and with whomever she pleased, the parade of men never ending.

She left Amanda on her own, and she managed to make it through Middle School thanks to the life lessons of her grandmother. She got herself up in the morning, made breakfast, walked herself to school, and then returned home to study and do chores, her mother an occasional roommate in the house.

The situation deteriorated during the summer before Amanda started high school. Donna sold the house along with their car to provide liquidity for an increasingly problematic cocaine habit, and they moved into an apartment in downtown Atlantic City. Donna claimed the move was necessary so she could be closer to work, but Amanda knew she had lost her driver’s license after seeing the court summonses for two separate DUI’s.

After the move to Atlantic City, Amanda started to see her mother less and less as Donna burned through the money from both the sale of the house and her small inheritance. When she did see her, both her appearance and behavior were compromised, and Amanda worried about her mother, old enough to be aware of her drug use. She even attempted an intervention with the help of some friends, but the effort was fruitless, and her mother continued down the path of self-destruction, unwilling to admit the extent of her problem.