Broken Man (14 page)

I’ve missed you, Brit, I am so glad you are back.

This feels so good, his mind continued to play tricks on him as he brushed her hair with his hand and felt his body react to her touch. I hope the girls don’t wake up, he considered that maybe they should go to the bedroom for some privacy. No, we’ll just be quiet, he thought to himself as she straddled his body and he prepared to love her as she whispered in his ear.

“Make love to me, Jack.”

Hearing Amanda’s voice, Jack immediately snapped out of his blissful trance, suddenly aware of where he was, what he was doing, and who he was with. As he opened his eyes and re-acclimated himself with his surroundings, Jack knew he couldn’t do what they were about to do.

“I’m sorry, Amanda,” he whispered as he gently moved her off his body. “I can’t do this.”

“What do you mean, Jack,” she looked at him incredulously. “What’s wrong.”

“I just can’t, Amanda,” he answered without explanation. “I am so sorry.”

“What is wrong with you, Jack,” she cried as she got off of the couch and retrieved her negligee. “Did I do something wrong?”

“Amanda, you did nothing wrong,” he felt terrible seeing her cry and stood up to console her. “You’ve been great.”

“You can’t do this to me,” she exclaimed as she covered herself up with her nightie. “It’s not fair. Tell me what is wrong.”

“I am so sorry, Amanda, but I can’t,” he said as he reached for her hand.

“Don’t touch me, Jack,” she cried as she pushed his hand away and ran to the bedroom.

* * *

Amanda slammed the door behind her and fell onto the bed, her body still aroused, her emotions out of control.

What just happened? What did I do?

She thought everything had been going fine. He wanted this just as much as me, she remembered how he reacted to her touch. It’s not me, she tried to convince herself. What is wrong with him?

Maybe his heart is still broken, maybe he is going through that difficult divorce as she had previously speculated. That would make sense. Yes, they had gotten to know each other better over the last couple weeks, but he was still somewhat guarded in his private life, particularly his time in Florida. There had to be a reason for that.

Maybe I moved too fast. Maybe I was too forward. How did this happen?

This has never happened before, she thought to herself as she remembered her past. No man has ever turned down a chance to sleep with me, especially when I have practically thrown myself at them. But, Jack isn’t like all the other men I have known, really just interested in one thing. Oh my God, it is me, she thought to herself. He must think I am some kind of slut trying to have sex with him on just our third date, especially after what had happened on our two previous dates.

But, that doesn’t make any sense. I know he cares about me, she rationalized to herself as she remembered the way they had gotten to know each other, how he looked at her, the way he listened to her, how he touched her. I know the way he feels about me, at least I think I do.

Should I go try to talk to him, Amanda considered her options. Maybe we could figure it out and make everything better. Maybe I could apologize for moving so quickly, wanting too much too fast. Maybe we could start over and take it a little more slowly.

No, I have blown it, she cried to herself as she rolled over on the bed and muffled her tears with the pillow. Talking to him right now will only make it worse, she realized as she became sick to her stomach and one final question came to her lips.

“Oh my God, what have I done?”

* * *

Jack couldn’t believe what had just happened, and he punished himself for having treated Amanda so badly.

I should go talk to her, he thought about what she must be going through as he buttoned up his shirt. She has enough to worry about, enough to think about, enough rejection and betrayal in her past. It had been so wrong to do that to her.

What had he been thinking having her come up here for the weekend? It was just a bad idea, something he wasn’t nearly ready for, even if he had tried to convince himself he was. They should have just remained friends, no complications, no expectations, and definitely, no intimacy.

How did I let it get to this point?

Jack had let his guard down, his time away from Florida providing him with a false sense of security, the scarcity of reminders and the presence of Amanda allowing him to think that he was ready to move on, that he was over Brittany once and for all. Sure, he had stopped thinking about her every moment of every day, but she was still on his mind all of the time, even as he tried to ignore his thoughts, compartmentalize his feelings, and focus on his future.

But, there is no future for me, Jack realized as he decided it would be better not to go talk with Amanda. It would be better for both of us if I just left her alone and stopped leading her on, making her think that there could be something between us, some kind of future. That is never going to happen, he realized as he retrieved a blanket and a pillow from the closet.

Don’t make that mistake again, he scolded himself for having been so stupid, so naive, so inconsiderate. What made you think you could possibly be ready for this, that you could ever get over Brittany? You deserve what you got, it’s your fault this happened, he thought as he laid down on the couch, but it isn’t fair what you did to Amanda.

And, it definitely isn’t fair what you did to Brittany.

Chapter Fourteen

The sound of the children woke Amanda early, and as she rolled over to look at the clock, she remembered everything that had happened the night before.

What is wrong with me, Amanda asked herself. Why can’t I control myself when I am around him, she cringed as she remembered their unconsummated encounters, the way her body reacted whenever she was near him. What must he think of me, her mind drifted back to the disaster of the previous night.

As she stared at the ceiling and ran through the entire evening for the hundredth time in her mind, Amanda considered the option of staying in her room and hiding from him. She could just hide out in the room until it was time to leave, she thought, and then just ignore him during the car ride home. Yes, maybe that would be a good idea.

Realizing that she would eventually have to come out and that it would be useless to try to go back to sleep with so many thoughts running through her head, Amanda got out of bed and put on her robe. She was going to have to face him sooner or later, and it would be rude to not spend some time with his brother’s family. Taking a cursory glance in the mirror, she wondered if she was ready to face him, if she could possibly talk to him.

What is there to say?

Anticipating seeing him lying on the couch, Amanda slowly opened the door to the bedroom, not sure what she would feel. I am just going to ignore him, she decided as she entered the room, her body deflating as she saw he was no longer there. Relieved but at the same time disappointed not to see him, Amanda tried to hide her discomfort as she made her way through the house.

“Good morning, Mary,” she tried to smile as she entered the kitchen.

“Good morning, Amanda,” Mary returned her smile as she looked up from the bacon on the stove. “How did you sleep?”

“I slept well,” she fibbed as she sat down at the counter. “Breakfast smells great. What happened to the kids, I just heard them a minute ago.”

“They went to find Jack and Mike for breakfast,” she answered as she placed the bacon under a paper towel and then poured some coffee before sitting down next to Amanda. “How about some coffee, looks like you could use some.”

“Thanks, Mary,” she appreciated her simple kindness.

“So, how did it go last night,” Mary took a sip of coffee as she prepared for some girl talk.

“It went well,” Amanda managed to convincingly hide her disappointment.

“I am so glad,” Mary was sincerely happy for her. “You guys are perfect together. I haven’t seen Jack this happy in a long time.”

“Do you really think so,” Amanda tried to find some hope.

“I know, Amanda,” Mary put her hand on hers. “I’ve known him for twenty years, and in all those years, the only time I’ve ever seen him as happy was when he was with Brittany. But, no matter how tough it is, he needs to get over her once and for all and move on with his life.”

There it is, thought Amanda. Brittany must be the source of his broken heart, the reason he couldn’t be with her. Maybe he was in love, maybe he was married, maybe he still is. There is still hope for me, Amanda was excited as she tried to make sense of the thoughts racing through her head.

“Who is Brittany?”

“Oh my God, Jack hasn’t told you,” Mary looked shocked as she paused to consider what to say. “I think that maybe I should let him tell you the story.”

“Mary, please tell me,” Amanda started to cry, no longer able to conceal her emotions. “Last night was a disaster. It was supposed to be perfect, and everything started out great, but then it fell apart. I knew there was something wrong, but he wouldn’t tell me. I have to know, Mary.”

“Don’t cry honey, I will tell you,” Mary replied as she also started to cry. “I don’t know where to start. You know, Jack has always been kind of a tough nut to crack. I’ve known him forever, but he has never been married, and as far as I know, he had never really been in love. Both him and Mike had a tough childhood and it was difficult for both of them to trust another person or to be able to love. We struggled with it ourselves for a long time, and still do occasionally.”

“I know what you are saying, Mary,” Amanda tried to figure out where she was going. “But, at the same time, I think Jack has more heart than any man I have ever known. He is so kind and so gentle, I couldn’t help but fall in love with him.”

“I understand, Amanda, but he wasn’t always that way,” Mary tried to find the right words to describe Jack. “He used to be a little cold and a little aloof. It was almost as if he had a shell around his heart that he wouldn’t let anyone break. Do you know what I mean?”

“I do. What made him change?”

“A couple of years ago, he finally fell in love with a woman named Brittany. I only met her once when Mike and I visited them in Florida, but he was so different, he had really changed,” Mary looked at Amanda to see if she understood.

“So, what happened?”

“Well, I know how much he loved her, but she was going through a divorce and had two little girls, so they took it slow. But, they were still doing great and it looked like everything was working out. You should have seen him with her and those girls. He was so good with them, so kind, so caring. For the first time, I could tell he was truly happy,” Mary again paused.

“Did she break his heart,” Amanda suddenly understood what had happened and felt badly for Jack.

“No, she didn’t. She was really a wonderful woman, and I could tell she loved Jack just as much as he loved her,” Amanda wondered what had happened as she watched the tears rolled down Mary’s face. “Last year, on New Year’s Eve, Brittany was in a car accident, and she passed away.”

Oh my God, Amanda started crying un-controllably as she immediately felt the pain that Jack must be feeling and suddenly understood everything that had happened the night before. Of course his heart was shattered, of course he couldn’t possibly be ready to be with her. Why hadn’t she tried to talk to him? Why hadn’t she tried to understand?

“Don’t cry, Amanda,” Mary took her in her arms as she tried to console her. “I am so sorry he didn’t tell you, but I am sure he had his reasons. But, I know that he loves you, I can just tell. Listen to me, you may just have to give him some time. Do you understand?”

“I understand, Mary,” Amanda tried to stop her tears. “It’s just that I feel so bad for him, he must really be hurting.”

“I know he is. But, he is getting better, he is healing. This weekend was the happiest I have seen him in a long time, and it is all because of you. Just try to be patient, and I know everything will work out.”

“Thanks for talking to me, Mary,” Amanda let go of her embrace and wiped her tears with a napkin. “Everything makes sense now. I thought that I had done something wrong.”

“You did nothing wrong, and everything is going to be okay,” Mary acted like the mother she was as they heard the voices of Matthew and Elena approaching the house. “Why don’t you go clean yourself up and then come back out for breakfast.”

“That’s probably a good idea. Thanks again for talking to me.”

“Anytime, Amanda,” Mary smiled at her as she gave her one last hug.

* * *

Jack looked over at Amanda as they approached Atlantic City, the weekend that never should have happened thankfully drawing to an end.

I am glad she is sleeping, Jack again felt badly for her as he remembered how terribly he had treated her the night before. She doesn’t deserve to be treated that way. This is an amazing woman, and I hope one day she finds a man who can truly love her, she deserves it. I also hope she can find a way to forgive me, he thought to himself, knowing that this would be the last time that he would ever see her.

It would be best if I never saw her again, Jack considered a move back to Florida. There is nothing to stop me from leaving today, I could be on the road in an hour. But, I am not ready to move back, not nearly ready to again experience the constant reminders of Brittany, everywhere I look, every day of my life.