Broken Man (9 page)

His day would start early with a morning workout at sunrise, the run along the beach a great way to clear his mind, the cold mist of the ocean an effective stimulant to start his day. He would then head back to the hotel for a shower followed by a healthy breakfast and a cup of hot coffee, all serving to warm his body and awaken his senses.

He spent the mornings following the stock market and reviewing the hands from the night before, studying the cost benefit analysis of these zero sum games, looking for any leaks in his approach. After confirming his strategies and approach for the day, Jack would settle on a restaurant for a light lunch, primarily a diversion to kill some time.

He then returned from lunch in the afternoon for a short nap before waking in time to watch the stock market close and to prepare his mind for the nightly battle at the poker table. He spent an hour meditating and clearing his mind, a poker zen warrior, poised and mindful, planning for how he would react to varying scenarios and different players, visualizing a clear mind and calm spirit.

He also spent the last hour before making the trip down to casino looking forward to his social life, his nightly conversation with Amanda at the break table forefront in his mind. They had slowly become friends, their schedules intertwining, their thoughts on similar pages. She was honest, independent, and intelligent, traits that Jack admired, and their conversations had range, but not beyond what He was comfortable discussing.

Jack sensed a kindred spirit in Amanda, an old soul who somehow shared his sense of loss and hopelessness while at the same time displaying the fight and tenacity that he had lost. He admired and liked her, but his feelings for her went no further than that, her youth and his damaged soul solid barriers to further engagement.

And, so it went, and before long, Jack had spent two months in Atlantic City, a fixture in the poker room, a man without a home. He didn’t really think about where he was going to go, who he was going to meet, what he was going to do. He just lived day by day, sticking with his schedule, no one knowing where he was or what he was doing.

Slowly, he returned to the place where he felt comfortable before he met Brittany. Scheduled, uncluttered, antiseptic, and dispassionate, his mind distracted by routine, his heart safe from harm.

* * *

Amanda was not going to let him get away with it tonight. His dodging, deflecting, maneuvering, changing the subject, anything he could do to not let her in.

She and Jack had become friends over the last couple of months, getting to know each other better by the day, his daily arrival promptly at 6:00 a welcome routine in her life. He was kind, thoughtful, funny, considerate, and a wonderful listener, everything she had hoped he would be. It had gotten to the point that she hoped the break table wouldn’t fill at all, the lost income a welcome trade for a full half hour of conversation with him.

They talked about so many things. Her school work, poker, the stock market, people, their shared love of baseball, pretty much anything that came up in daily conversation.

But, nothing personal. She knew he was hiding something, something he didn’t want her to know, something he didn’t want to share. Could he be married, maybe going through a difficult divorce?

She had resigned herself to this possibility. Several of her friends had approached him, some not even with the slightest hint of subtlety, only to be politely rebuffed by him. He was impervious to flirtation, unwilling to even entertain the thought if a dalliance. Could he be nursing a broken heart, the victim of a failed marriage. What else could he be doing in Atlantic City?

It was impossible for her to know. He was a master at moving the conversation to where he wanted, and not wanting to pry and having to maintain a semblance of professionalism, Amanda had let him steer the ship. But tonight, as she watched him navigate the approach to the table, she prepared herself to change course.

“Good evening, Amanda. How are you tonight?”

“I am fine, Jack,” she returned his smile. “How was your day?”

“It was good. Got in a good workout, and had a great lunch at Flames over on the boardwalk. Have you tried it?”

“I don’t get over to the boardwalk much,” she teased him. “Isn’t the boardwalk for tourists?”

“Well, this time of year, I don’t think it is really for anyone,” he dodged her jab. “I was the only one in the restaurant, but it was really good. They serve pretty authentic Greek food, and I love their gyros.”

“You’ll have to take me sometime,” she hinted.

“Sounds good,” he politely ignored her comment. “How was your day?”

“It was busy,” she thought of ways to spice it up. “I went to school this morning, and I actually dragged myself to the gym this afternoon for a workout. It felt pretty good.”

“What did you do,” he asked with interest.

“Well, I took a spinning class, which nearly killed me, and then I lifted some weights.”

“I can tell,” he smiled. “You look much buffer.”

“Stop it, Jack,” she pretended to be offended by his teasing. “I don’t even think buffer is a word, I think it would be more buff.”

“Well, whatever it is, you look it,” he smiled as he paid her a subtle compliment.

“Well, thank you,” she smiled at the thought that he may have noticed. “Looked like you did pretty well last night.”

“It was a good night. Seat six was practically giving it away, and it was nice to have position on him. I just kept isolating him, and no one at the table ever stopped me by re-raising my isolation raises. Made for an easy night.”

“You are ruthless, Jack, I hope it goes as well tonight,” she appreciated his play while still seeking an opening to change the subject. “So, what else have you been doing besides playing poker, working out, and going to the boardwalk for lunch?”

“What else is there,” he smiled and gave her the opening she had been seeking.

“Well, I was wondering if you were ever going to ask me out,” she finally popped the question.

For once, he was speechless. No witty retort, no counter jab, not a peep. As she watched his face for any tell, she kicked herself for having been so forward.

“I guess that would be okay,” he finally managed to stammer out an answer, although not exactly the one she had been hoping to hear.

“Don’t let me twist your arm, Jack,” she managed to smile although she was somewhat embarrassed. “You don’t have to go out with me, although I promise you I won’t bite.”

“I’m sorry, Amanda, I know you won’t bite,” he smiled slightly as he apologized for having offended her. “At least, I don’t think you will. I think it would be great to take you out. It’s just that I never thought about it. I am a lot older than you.”

“How old are you, Jack,” she finally asked the question of which she had been curious.

“I am forty-two, old enough to be your father,” he replied with a smile.

“Not quite, Jack, unless you were getting lucky at fifteen, which I doubt you were,” she went back to teasing him. “Forty-two. That might be a deal breaker.”

“Very funny. How old did you think I was.”

“I figured you were around forty,” Amanda answered honestly. “Age doesn’t really matter to me.”

“Try saying that when I am fifty and you are a hot thirty-four year old in the prime of your life.”

“Don’t worry, Jack, I will take care of you when you are an old man.”

“Yeah, right,” he smiled. “So, what do you want to do on our date.”

“Oh, I don’t know,” she replied, although a couple things immediately came to mind. “Can you go out tomorrow night, I actually have the night off.”

“You know me, my schedule is pretty clear,” he replied as a player arrived at the table. “Bobby Flay’s at 8:00,” he asked discreetly.

“I’ll see you then,” she smiled as she started her nightly routine and looked forward to her night with Jack.

* * *

What the hell just happened, Jack thought to himself as he watched Amanda move to the next table and waited for the fill to be complete.

She had taken him by complete surprise with her request. They had never talked about their personal lives very much and certainly never came close to discussing who they were dating or whether they were engaged or married, or anything remotely like that. It was pretty much off limits in their conversation, and Jack was comfortable with the boundaries he had set.

Not that he hadn’t thought about it. Never in a way of wondering whether he should ask her out or if she was available, no, that ship had sailed for Jack. He thought about it more in a way you would think about a friend, concerned for her well being, hopeful she would find happiness.

Why did she seem so sad?

That was a question Jack had asked himself many times. Here was this beautiful woman, accomplishing everything she wanted to in life. Vivacious, funny, intelligent, and independent. Despite all of this, Jack always sensed an underlying sadness whenever he spoke with Amanda, a feeling he could certainly understand, maybe even the reason he was drawn to her.

He had speculated that maybe she was involved in an unhappy relationship, one that she couldn’t find a way out of, maybe a marriage gone bad. That certainly seemed like a distinct possibility. What else could possibly affect a woman like Amanda?

A woman like her would have her choice of men, whether at work or at school, and if she wasn’t happy with the current one, there would be a line of men waiting for her. It had to be a broken relationship, Jack had decided, a lost love that she had yet to get over. What else could it be?

He was about to find out, Jack realized as he watched the dealer complete the fill and retrieve the cards from the auto shuffler. Am I ready for this, he asked himself as the dealer dealt the cards and Jack looked down at queen three off-suit.

I am definitely not ready, Jack thought to himself. Everything is going fine right now, I don’t need to be messing up my routine, he considered the possibility of canceling the date. I can’t do that, Jack quickly realized, aware of the awkwardness it would create and the ramifications it would have on their friendship.

“Fold,” Jack muttered as he tossed his cards into the muck and mentally chastised himself for getting into this situation.

Chapter Nine

“What do you think of this one,” Amanda held up another dress for Sue’s inspection and watched for a reaction. “Do you think it is too dressy?”

“That’s a pretty dress,” Sue replied as she felt the material. “But, like I told you before, you can’t go wrong with that little black cocktail dress. Trust me, he won’t be able to resist you in that.”

“Are you sure it’s not too slutty for a first date,” she smiled as her casualness with Sue.

“Isn’t that what you are going for,” Sue laughed. “I would be more worried about what I am wearing underneath the dress if I were you.”

“Very funny, Sue, but that’s not going to happen,” Amanda smiled at the thought. “At least not tonight.”

“Go with the black dress, honey,” Sue reassured her. “It’s perfect for dinner and for the casino. He will love it.”

“Okay,” Amanda agreed as she hung up a couple of dresses and cleared a spot on the bed to sit. “I don’t know why I am so nervous. It’s just Jack, it’s not like I don’t know him.”

“That’s exactly why you are so nervous,” Sue looked at her to see if she understood. “You have actually come to know this man before you dated or started sleeping together. He means something to you, and I can tell that you really want it to go well. It’s only natural that you are nervous.”

“You think so, Sue. Maybe I am just on the rebound from Jim, or maybe I just want to stop thinking about my mother.”

“I think it is more than that, Amanda. You haven’t been able to stop thinking about him or talking about him since you met. I’ve never seen you quite like this, especially since he isn’t like most of the men you date.”

“Thank God for that,” Amanda smiled and tried to figure out what Sue was really trying to say. “Do you think he is too old for me?”

“I wouldn’t say that necessarily,” Sue paused as she considered what to say. “It’s just that with your background, you may be seeking something in your life with an older man, and I would be careful.”

“Would you stop being a psychologist for just a second, Sue,” Amanda rolled her eyes at the implication. “I do not have Daddy issues. I have never met my father, don’t want to meet him, and I definitely don’t miss anything about him. He is a philanderer, an adulterer, and a user, why would I even care about him or about replacing him in my life. I definitely don’t have Daddy issues, if anything, I have man issues.”

“Maybe they are one in the same,” Sue replied honestly as she put her hand on Amanda’s. “You have never had a man in your life who you could respect or consider a role model, a man who would serve as an example of what you should seek. You have never known what it is like to be truly loved by a man, what that really means. You have been left on your own to figure it out, and we both know, you have made some mistakes.”

Amanda took a second to think about what Sue had said. Yes, she had made some mistakes, usually as a result of falling in love too quickly and expecting too much. She had mastered the art of impulsively diving head first into a relationship before really getting to know what she was getting into. Was it because she was so needy to be loved?