By My Side (18 page)

             
“Did my dad call back?” I asked him, not sure I wanted to hear the answer.

             
“Yeah, he called dad and he wasn't much more sympathetic than I was.” He smiled at that, and I chuckled a little before I stopped, horrified. I was laughing the day of my mother's death. I was a monster. “Lily, you’ve got the right to laugh or smile. Nobody will judge you.”

             
I looked at his hands now on his knees. I focused on his silver ring, the same one I remembered him wearing since he was fourteen. I took his hand in mine. His palm was a little sweaty, proof that he wasn't relaxed at all.

             
“What did he say?”

             
“Well, it was a little tense, but he said he'd come back to your house after the funeral.” So, I'll live with him. He must hate me, or mom. Maybe I'll meet his mistress. Fabulous!

             
“I suppose I should be glad and grateful.”

             
“It'll be just for a year.” He entwined his long fingers with mine.
Just a year
. I thought that about living with my mother.

             
“Or less if I start working, and take an apartment when I am eighteen,” I stated.

             
“Some advice? Concentrate on college. It's more important,” he advised. It's so far away now. Even the death of my mom seemed to be days ago. It's like time was playing with my head.

              “We'll see. Well, I'll see what will happen.”

              “Close your eyes. You need to rest.” I placed my head on his shoulder and fell asleep feeling his hand brushing my long messy hair.

             
For four days, I stayed at the Green's house. I slept in the little office downstairs, and Gabe stayed with me every time. He stayed until I was sound asleep. Andy knew about it, but said nothing. Maybe he was hurt, but he never said anything.

             
Andy succeeded to make me laugh a couple of times, and Gabe was a little jealous, but for once they spoke to each other without the edge there usually was. I didn't go back to my house, so I wore jeans of Mrs. Green, which were a little too big in spite of my generous hips. Andy gave me some of his T-shirts—they were a little smaller than Gabe's—and it felt strange. I was in another world. More today than the four previous days.

             
I was wearing a new black dress that Mrs. Green brought for me to go to the funeral. It was simple and made in a soft fabric, but I looked like someone else. Much more pale, my eyes more dark than blue and all bloodshot. Even my lips were tight instead of full.

             
At the end of the day, after the reception at the Green's house, I'll go home with my father. There'll always be my life before and after her death. It'll be my own scale base. So, I'll be home after the fifth day of her death.

             
“Are you ready?” Andy asked with a strained voice. I opened the bathroom door and found my best friend in a black tux. He hated to be dressed in formal clothes, but he didn't complain one single time.

             
“Let's go.”

             
Granny was talking to Gabe, who was stunning in his tux. He didn't wear his tie, and he hasn’t shaved since yesterday. His mom asked him to do something with his hair, but it was like usual. His eyes found mine, and we smiled weakly at each other. Even formally dressed he was the same Gabe I knew and found this summer. Thinking about it, I discovered more than one person. I also found out about Andy's feelings about me, about the selfishness of my father, about the weakness of my mother and about myself.

             
“Honey, we'll go in two cars. With whom do you want to go to the cemetery?” Mrs. Green asked me softly, like I might break into a million pieces. She was still in shock from when I arrived sobbing like crazy.

             
“With Gabe and Andy if it's okay.” The guys took each one of my hands, and we headed toward the cemetery in my old Comet, followed by the adults in the other car.

             
It was a sunny day, and the cemetery was full of people I didn't even know. Probably, many were from her work at the literary agency based in the city, one hour from here. I felt so insignificant and naked under their compassionate looks. My father was sitting in the front row, alone. He was looking at the closed coffin, made in a dark wood, which was shining under the sunlight.

             
“You two, stay with me,” I said to Gabe and Andy.

             
I was hand in hand with both of them, and I was glad when I saw people from high school. I won't break down. Andy sat next to my father, me next to him, and Gabe closed the row. Not very conventional, but I didn't care one bit. After all, Mom's death was already in every mouth in town. People will have something more to talk about.

             
My feet hurt in my new shoes. It was a good distraction from the service and from the view of the coffin in front of me. At first, I wanted to write something and read it for the funeral, but after the second attempt, I understood it wasn't a good idea. I could only say things in my drawings, so I drew something last night. Gabe saw it. It was my mother smiling with happiness. I wanted to recall her like that. I hope I will someday.

             
The ceremony was blurry. I was only conscious of my hurting feet, of Gabe and Andy holding my hands, and of the coffin shining under the sunlight. My mother wasn't very tall, but this was imposing. I knew she was inside, but for some twisted reasons, I couldn't understand it.

             
At some point, Andy ushered me to stand up to go put a pink rose and my drawing on the coffin. I felt alone all of a sudden, standing in front of this huge box. My knees shook. My breath caught in my throat.
Mom.

             
Gabe came to my rescue. His arm around my shoulders gave me the strength to say goodbye with my drawing, and the flower Mrs. Green gave me earlier.

             
“Just breathe, Lily.”

             
His voice was shallow. He was suffering too, but not about the same person. I took a deep breath and returned to my seat, Gabe's arm never leaving me and Andy's hand greeting mine again. The coffin disappeared into the ground.

             
I was back at Andy and Gabe's house, not listening to the people who came to tell me sweet things about my mom. I didn't care what they thought about her, and no matter what, they couldn't possibly tell me she was a snob at work. I hated to stay in the middle of the living room packed with people, food, and drinks.

             
Mrs. Green had taken Gabe and Andy away to help her with the reception, so I was there all by myself. I was ridiculous. Five days ago, I wouldn't have stayed more than five minutes before saying something sarcastic and walking away. Right now, I just felt like I wanted to walk away.

             
“Excuse me, I need to go to the bathroom,” I said to a woman I barely remembered from Mom's work. She gave me a sympathetic look. I didn't give a crap about her compassion. The poor little girl I had become to them could take care of herself. I was suddenly angry. Damn it! I hated my changing mood.

              Instead of heading upstairs, I went outside to the backyard. The tree I fell off was still there. At this time, Gabe wasn’t my problem. It's strange to think that when we're young, we always wanted to grow up, but when it's the case, we were nostalgic of the past.

             
“Are you okay?” Gabe was standing next to me, his eyes focused on the tree, his hands in his tux pockets.

             
“I'm not sure. The sarcasm is gone.”

             
“Now I'm really worried,” he teased, his arm bumping into my shoulder when he sat down.

             
“Yeah, you should.”

             
“I am, you know.” His voice was so low, so serious.

             
“Everything will be fine, right? It's what everybody is telling me.” I was bitter, sad, and angry. I was many things and everything at the same time.

             
“I'm here as a friend or as anything you want me to be.” He was shy and blushing. It's too much for now.

             
“Gabe, I really need a friend for now. I ...”

             
“It's okay ... Just don't forget I'm here.”

             
He placed a hand on my cheek. His thumb brushed my skin lightly. I knew he wanted something more. Now I knew our quarrel was nothing at all, but our stubbornness made things far worse. But I wasn't ready for more complex feelings, and Gabe as a boyfriend was an explosion of emotions and feelings.

             
“I'll tell Andy to come see you.”

             
He left to find his brother. I heard Gabe talking with Granny yesterday morning. He told her he was afraid to break down when I needed him, but he shouldn't think like that because he was the bravest person I had ever met.

             
A few minutes later, Andy came and hugged me. He was shaking. It was his first funeral; the first real one was when he was a baby so he didn't have any recollection.